The Ranch (2016) s04e10 Episode Script

Perfect Storm

1 All right.
Now we got that Camino out of the shed, we oughta clear out that spot with the stacks of hay over it.
Or Or we could put in a mechanical bull.
A what? You know, you shouldna said that.
If you can ride a bull while holding a piña colada, it's not a bull.
Yeah, other trigger words include white jeans, vegan chili any reference to the grand feature film City Slickers.
Well, I don't think he's gonna enjoy my story about spilling my vegan chili on my white jeans 'cause I was laughing so hard at City Slickers.
Billy Crystal would be dead in three days on a real ranch.
Hey uh you know, Abby's gonna be here soon, so I should probably tell you guys We're gettin' a divorce.
What? Shit.
I'm sorry, man.
It's just one of them things, right? On the plus side, if she decides to take me for everything I'm worth, she'll actually owe me money.
I'm sorry to hear that, Son.
I had great hopes for you two.
I've been through a divorce, and it's terrible.
I could tell you what my best friend told me when I was goin' through a divorce.
He said, "I'm sorry this is happenin' to you, and I'm really sorry I fucked your wife.
" Between you and Abby, and me and Lisa Neumann, this is not a good time to be a Bennett.
Last couple years are starting to feel like The Gilmore Boys.
All right.
You know what? Fuck this! We're not gonna sit on this porch feeling sorry for ourselves.
Let's go out.
The three of us.
I saw a billboard for an Indian casino in New Mexico.
Where did I lose you? Indian casino or New Mexico? On, "Let's go out.
The three of us.
" Hey, hold on.
No, I saw that place.
They got a bowling alley, Dad.
Can't tell me you don't like that, you got your own ball.
I know 'cause I ain't never been allowed to touch it.
Even now, as a 35-year-old man.
I do like to go bowlin'.
Haven't been in a while.
Can't go with Dale anymore.
Every time you bowl a turkey, he flaps his arms and gobbles like a fuckin' turkey.
Nope, here comes Abby.
She might need a shoulder to cry on.
Maybe a shoulder that can bench 245.
I've seen you lift, man.
You can't put a 45 pound plate on each side and call it 245.
Hey, Abby.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too, Mr.
All right, Abby, Beau and I are gonna run over to the Peterson Ranch, so leave you to it.
How's she doin'? Yeah, she's good.
She's sleeping like a baby.
Oh, shit! That's where it comes from.
"Sleeping like a baby" should mean waking up four times, crying till you get a boob, then going to the bathroom all over yourself.
If that's sleepin' like a baby, I definitely done that.
All right, well I'll get going.
Let you start your day.
Hey, Ab? Yeah? Do you hate me? What? I just know everything that's going on is all my fault.
I've been an idiot lately.
I'm sorry.
I just I hate everything that's happened.
I don't hate you, Colt.
I wish I did.
It would make this a lot easier.
Seems like there's gotta be a better way to do this.
I mean some people make it work.
I saw in People magazine that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, they go on, like, family vacations together.
Of course, they don't bring along that hot nanny anymore.
I don't know.
I mean, other than being divorced, I don't think we have a lot in common with Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck.
I dunno.
She does them Capital One commercials, and we owe Capital One a shit ton of money.
You drink more than Ben.
Thank you.
We'll make it work.
Now, we just gotta figure it out.
From now on, we just gotta make sure Peyton always sees us for what we are.
You know, two people that care about each other.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
When Gisele dumps Tom Brady and we start datin', I'll make sure Peyton knows I still care about you.
Well, don't worry.
Tom and I will make sure she knows.
Hey, that smells good.
What is it? It's a Spanish soup called gazpacho.
I thought you might like it because it sounds like something John Wayne would name his horse.
"Giddy up, Gazpacho.
" His horse's name was Dollor.
Which is more than I would pay for a bowl of Spanish soup.
Go on and try it, you said it smelled good.
Yeah, so does Colt's mango green tea shampoo, but you don't see me dipping my saltine crackers in it.
I'll try it.
It's cold.
That's how they serve it in Spain.
How lazy are they? If that's where we're gonna go on our trip, I thought maybe we should try it first, you know.
Get a head start on your complaints.
I'm out on Spain.
They don't cook their soup.
They call soccer "football," and they salsa dance.
No, that's Mexico.
Take Mexico off the list, too.
I only suggested Spain because I recently did that thing, where you swab your cheek and send it to ancestry.
It turns out I'm 10% Spanish.
I'm also 2% Swedish, but I don't wanna spend my vacation in a big fuckin' Ikea.
Hold on.
You willingly sent your DNA to someone you don't know? Why don't we just invite Putin over for dinner? Okay, if you don't wanna go to Spain, there's plenty of other places we could go.
Um We could go to Switzerland.
You like their Swiss Army knives.
You gave me one for my birthday.
I don't trust any country that hasn't gone to war in the last 200 years.
Beau, it was your idea to go on a trip.
We don't have to go anywhere.
I'm perfectly happy not havin' a honeymoon.
No, I want to.
Really? Where do you want to go? Well I mean I just read in Field & Stream that in Billings, Montana, you're more likely to run into a moose than another person.
So, whoever you see there, you can hunt.
So you wanna go on a trip.
You just wanna go somewhere you wanna go.
Look, I tell you what.
You name a place right now, and I'm in.
Okay, France.
What the fuck? That's not fair.
All right.
Not bad.
Aw! Yeah.
And that's why we test it.
- Hey! - Hey.
- What are you doin - What's up? Hey, you know that clip-on high chair that you wanna buy, - I told you I'd make one? - Yeah.
Do you still have the link to where we could buy it? Yeah, I'll send it to you.
Once you take your foot off our baby's neck.
Listen, we also need to move up to a size three diaper, 'cause the size two is starting to look like a baby thong.
I saw her the other day, her little bottom, and she looked like a tiny little sumo wrestler.
I'll get some tomorrow.
That's okay.
I can pick 'em up 'cause I gotta get a prescription for my mom anyway.
And I gotta ask the pharmacist for my mom's "vitamins.
" He gives me a wink, and then hands me a bottle of women's One A Day filled with Xanax.
I mean, as if she only takes one a day.
Could you also pick up some of that diaper cream? Turns out it works real well to touch up the grout in the shower.
So, listen, the reason why I stopped by is my whole family's getting together at my parents' cabin for Thanksgiving, including my vegan Aunt June who calls the day "the turkey Holocaust.
" I remember Aunt June.
She's the one that last Christmas, she gave you that candle made entirely of stuff that come from her body.
Anyway Um Everyone really wants to meet Peyton and I know it's a big ask, but I was hoping I could take her up there.
So I'm not gonna see Peyton for Thanksgiving? I mean, you know how mad my dad gets during the holidays.
If Peyton's not here, I'll be the only one crying.
I'm sure you can join us if you want.
Err Yes, pass.
Your dad used to love to introduce me as his future ex-son-in-law.
Now that joke's just not funny.
Is there any way that your family would ever consider doing Thanksgiving on Friday? Yeah, sure.
Just call the NFL and see if they can schedule three great games on Friday.
Well, actually, two great games and the Lions.
Thanksgiving is more than just football.
You're kidding, right? I would take Friday, okay, but half my family is leavin'.
So, I'm not gonna see Peyton on her first big holiday? What's gonna happen on Christmas? I'll read her the classic book The Night Before The Night Before Christmas? I don't know.
These are the things that we gotta figure out.
It doesn't always have to be a fight.
Yeah, I thought we were gonna split our custody equally, but now you're like one of them seagulls in Finding Nemo.
- "Mine! Mine! Mine!" - Colt! Really? Stop! Stop.
- Come on.
- I thought we could split the day.
You have an early dinner, I'll have a late one.
We'll trade her off during the Lions game, none of us miss any football.
Trust me, okay? I don't want to go.
Nine people in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom cabin with no TV and no Internet? But they're my stupid fuckin' family and I love them.
All right.
You win.
It's done.
But I better not miss the biggest holiday of them all.
Don't worry.
We'll figure out Christmas.
Christmas? I'm talking about Super Bowl Sunday.
This is good livin'.
Three guys drivin' through the night in an El Camino, listenin' to country and western music on our way to go bowlin'.
If this was a TV show, it'd be called 'Merica: Fuck, Yeah! Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
If this is a TV show, I'd be played by Channing Tatum.
You? You'd be played by Mama don't let Don't matter.
I'd be played by Channing Tatum.
grow up to be cowboys - Oh, hell, yeah.
Turn this one up.
- Yeah.
Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Hell, yeah, Daddy! Woo! Now, we're doing Okay, on the next verse, you two go low, and then I'll harmonize with a falsetto.
Okay, I'm ready Luke, see that big tree up there? You mind drivin' into it? What d'you think of the El Camino, Uncle Beau? It's everything I love.
A Chevy with a Spanish name.
This thing's awesome.
Look what I found in the glove box.
Look, no Surgeon General warning.
Must be from before they put bad stuff in 'em.
- Goddamn.
Marlboro Reds.
- Yep.
I smoked these things for 20 years.
- No shit.
- Yep.
Maggie made me stop when we had kids.
That's another thing you've taken from me.
Fuck it! I'm 73.
Gonna make sure I'm not one of the poor bastards that lives to be a hundred.
- What the fuck? - What's that? Yeah, that's 40 minutes.
That's twice the lifespan of an average Chevy.
Uh Gas gauge says half full, but it's outta gas.
Shit, I didn't tell you.
The gas gauge don't work on this.
Yeah, you didn't tell me that.
You know what woulda been a great time to tell me that? When you made me stop and get buffalo cheese Combos at the gas station.
- Hey! You're the one who fixed the car.
- Uh-huh.
I tried to help and you were like, "I'm the mechanic.
I don't need your help.
Don't touch my tools! Those wires are hot.
Stop pretending to have sex with the tailpipe.
" Well, this is great.
Broke down in the middle of nowhere, and all I got in my stomach is fuckin' gazpacho.
Come on, man! The prescription is legit, okay? I'm I'm My name's Bethany Kwan.
I hurt my back doing gymnastics.
Mary, we went to high school together.
Well then fucking help me out, Frank.
Jesus! You sold me drugs in high school.
What's the problem now? Vroooom! Here comes Peyton Bennett out of turn number four.
The number 28 Huggies car.
You're gonna be just like Danica Patrick, except you're actually gonna win.
Don't tell your dad, but if you date Aaron Rodgers, I'm not mad at it.
Hey, Mary! - Abby, hey! - Hi.
Oh, this is perfect.
Hey, can you can you get this filled for me? He won't say no to a woman with a baby.
Mary, are you okay? F-fine.
Why? I heard you're going through a rough time, and now you're trying to get me and my baby to buy drugs for you.
Come on! I don't need this shit, Abby.
Why I'm just trying to help.
Mary, what the fuck is takin' so long? I'm workin' on it.
All right? Nick? Oh you're Abby, right? Yeah.
Tell Colt I'm real sorry about Rooster.
Come on.
We'll hit another CVS on the way out.
Mary, maybe we could get some coffee? We could catch up.
- You know, maybe I - The fuck did I just say? I sure am glad you had a case of beer in the truck.
Well, you get pulled over in an El Camino, it's suspicious if you don't have a case of beer hidden in the bed.
Yeah, I love beer.
Ole beer never says you can't spend Thanksgiving with your daughter.
Just says, "Happy Thanksgivin'! Watch some football and drink me! Look, I brought along 23 of my friends.
You can drink them, too!" Yep, beer's never stolen my truck and sold it for drugs, or asked me to crash on my couch, but even if it did, I'd probably let it 'cause it's beer.
Beer doesn't wanna go to Spain.
You and Joanne figure out where you're going on your honeymoon? She's got her heart set on going to Europe.
I'm thinking about just tilting the water tower and telling her we're in Italy.
Dad, Joanne is the best thing that ever happened to you.
She wants to go to Europe, take her to Europe.
She wants to go to Disneyland, you take her to Disneyland.
Take me, too.
Oh, my God! We could go to Eurodisney! Eurodisney? That place oughta be called "Hell-Hell.
" Yeah.
It all gets annoying, but you know, sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do what your wife wants.
"Oh, another royal wedding! Yes, I would love to wake up at 3 a.
and watch with you.
See if we can't spot Bono.
" Fuck it.
If Spain is where Joanne wants to go, Spain is where we'll go.
Where are those cigarettes? Me and Abby never went on a honeymoon.
Shit, we didn't even make it to our first Thanksgiving.
Which means no Turkey Bowl, which sucks, 'cause I was told you could win the MVP trophy I made.
I dunno where our marriage went wrong.
I do.
So do I.
It's an expression, you assholes! Fuckin' definitely not sharing my Combos with you now.
When Maggie and I ended things, I didn't think I'd ever be happy again.
Then I met Joanne.
Life has a way of surprisin' you.
Talkin' about "happy again.
" When have you ever been happy? If I gave you a hug when the Broncos won the Super Bowl, you said, "Great.
Now you ruined it.
" Sittin' here under the stars, enjoyin' a beer, life's pretty good right now.
Yeah, I mean, since moving here, I've lost all my savings, and my truck, my wife, but it was worth it because of this.
Oh, you guys.
I mean, I know you're not my brother or my father, but sure as hell feels that way.
Luke? I know you're not my sister, but it sure as hell feels that way.
- To family.
- Hey.
And to Colt.
There we go.
That's ten.
He left his Combos.
Gimme those.
Oh, I wouldn't eat those.
He somehow managed to backwash food into there.
I'm glad the car broke down.
Me too.
And if you really feel that way, just keep drivin' a Chevy.
We're all set.
Dad, it's your ball, so you go first.
I like to pretend like it's ten little Indiana Joneses, and the ball's that giant boulder coming after 'em.
I think I'll pretend it's ten little Colt Bennetts.
Come on, Uncle Beau! Knock the hell out of them Colt Bennetts.
- God damn! - Goal! That's a turkey! Oh that ball's movin'.
Are we on a hill? I love that ball, Colt.
Start runnin'.
Yes, very funny.
Yes, sir.
Think he'll catch it? Who cares? It's his ball.
That's crazy the AAA driver happened to be your high school center.
Old Dan's a good guy.
I gotta tell you, this was the first time I was happy that he had gas.
It wasn't the night I thought we were gonna have, but it was still awesome.
Dad, I'm sorry I didn't find your ball.
Well, I appreciate you crawling through that sewer pipe.
I'm sure whatever bit you doesn't have rabies.
- What's that? - My bowling ball.
If that's your ball, then whose b Ah, fuck! Maybe next time, you'll share your fuckin' Combos.
- Hey! - Hey.
Hey, Ab.
Everything okay? Peyton all right? Yeah, she's upstairs sleepin'.
That's not why I'm here.
Nick is back in town.
He's what? Where d'you see him? Pharmacy.
Yeah, Mary was there trying to get some pills, then Nick showed up.
Practically dragged her outta there.
Jesus Christ! Uh Hold up.
Who's Nick? Mary's ex, and he's bad fuckin' news.
Oh, shit! Mary came by the cabin and told me she didn't feel safe, wanted to stay there.
I just thought it was another scam.
- Fuck! - Don't beat yourself up.
How would you know? Did she say where they were stayin'? No.
But I got behind them on the road.
I saw them turn off into that trailer park on 55.
I'm gonna see if I can get a hold of Mary.
It's good.
We know where they're at.
Just call the cops and get them over there.
where are you goin'? Gonna go upstairs to check on Peyton.
Colt's right.
If Mary's in danger, we'll call the cops.
Fuck that.
I told that asshole to never come back here.
What are you gonna do? What I shoulda done last time.
Beau! Beau, stop! We'll call the police.
We tried that with Rooster.
They didn't do shit.
Don't worry about Beau, okay? He'll be all right.
He's not the one I'm worried about.
Mary's not answering.
Look, how bad of a guy is this Nick? He's a fucking creep.
Colt basically blames him for Rooster's death.
Fuck it.
I'm goin' over there.
Beau's on his way over there already.
The more people involved, the worse this'll turn out.
I'm not gonna sit here and do nothing.
Shit! I shouldn't have told them.
And if you hadn't and somethin' happened to Mary? - Shall we call the cops? - We have to see how this plays out, hope they have good judgment.
Fuckin' Colt! Where are you goin'? Abby, we're not together anymore.
Just Don't be stupid! Just stop! Think about it for one This is why I didn't say anything before.
- I don't wanna have this conversation.
- You're a dad.
Act like Peyton's the most important thing in your life.
After what that guy did to Rooster? - You want me to do nothing? - No! I want you to be smart.
You lied to me, you blew up the dam, you just got out of jail! If you go there right now, you can forget about us.
Forget about us? Saying we'd get back together? That's not what I'm saying.
I dunno what I'm saying.
I don't know! - That's what I thought.
- Just Colt! Colt! The fuck you doing here?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode