The Ranch (2016) s04e15 Episode Script

Born to Love You

1 Hey.
Sorry I slept so late.
I never do that.
It's all right.
I was gonna wake you up, but - you were looking so cute and happy.
When I tapped your shoulder and then you hit me with a pillow, and told me to eat shit and die, so [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I was having an awful nightmare.
Some asshole was trying to wake me up before it was fucking time to wake up! Oh! Boy, what an asshole.
Last night was really nice.
- It was.
- Yeah.
After all this time, just laying there, holding each other feeling that connection that only a husband and wife can have Colt, it's okay.
We had sex, and it was awesome! Yeah, it was.
Look, I I know last time we spent the night together, you felt it was a mistake, so I don't want to put any pressure on this or anything.
It wasn't a mistake.
Great! Let's just make another "not mistake" right now.
Oh my God, wait, whoa! Where was that last night, when you couldn't get my bra off? How's the house coming? It's good.
I got finished putting in that tile on the master bath.
Also, you were right about that clawfoot tub.
It's gonna be way too expensive to get exact replicas of Peyton Manning's feet.
Hopefully it was also too expensive to make the dining room and kitchen a small but functional Buffalo Wild Wings.
It's better than your idea.
"Let's put in a shelf for books.
" You think the house'll be ready by Christmas? I don't know, depends.
Do you need a place to store all your precious books? - Nerd.
No, I was I don't know, I'm thinking maybe we could all move in by then.
Have our first Christmas in the new house.
One big happy literate family.
Are you serious? But [LAUGHS.]
You really want to move back in together again? I do.
Fuck yeah! [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Okay, and you're sure you're ready? Yeah.
No, yes.
I almost lost you in that field.
Okay? I do not want to waste another moment without you.
I feel the same way.
I never want to lose you.
I promise I will not do anything to screw this up.
Hey, I don't want you feeling like you gotta walk around on eggshells.
Don't worry that if we get into another fight that I'm gonna leave again, okay? 'Cause I am back in.
I am not going anywhere.
We're in this together, okay? I trust you.
You know why? 'Cause I'm super trustworthy.
Last night, you basically boned Abe Lincoln.
Nice, so that makes me Mary Todd.
Who? The first lady.
Uh The first lady was Eve.
You really oughta crack open some of them books you got.
Okay, you know what, last night was a mistake.
Fuck! I'm so excited.
This is, like, the greatest Christmas gift you could ever give me.
Although I'm still expecting gifts.
Specifically, the new Call of Duty.
- I got you.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Hey, man, I want to apologize again.
When I went in your bedroom this morning, naked, with a banana between my butt cheeks, and let it drop, and said, "Breakfast is served," I did not know Abby was in there.
FaceTiming her mom.
- So, you guys back together now? - [MUTTERS.]
She said she wants to move into the new house by Christmas but, thing is, that's how she left me, it's 'cause I was hiding stuff and keeping secrets from her.
I'm doing the same thing now, she don't even know it.
What's your secret? You having a sex change? Becoming a man, finally? Go fuck yourself, Luke.
Seriously, what, you drop Peyton or something? No.
I mean, yes.
But I caught her and the beer before they hit the ground.
I don't know why I'm talking about this, I can't tell you what's going on.
Hey, I get it, but you know, for me, honesty is always the best policy.
Unless you're doing some real weird kinky crap with a goat or a dead person, you know, then you keep that shit to yourself.
There's more shit in that barn.
This is the last of it.
Thanks for the tools, Dad.
If you want, you could run over to the new place, and unload all this stuff while me and Luke go to Arby's.
Oh, that's a great idea.
If we get there between 11:00 and 12:00, it's happy hour.
You can order off the breakfast menu and the lunch.
You ever had a beef and cheddar with a hash brown side? Ooh! I got to go meet Joanne.
We're looking at more houses today.
Plus, fuck you.
All right.
I was talking to Abby.
I know you gotta be out of here in a month and a half.
We got room for you and Joanne at the new place if you want.
Rent'll be real affordable.
Like, five hugs a month.
Actually, bring it in, we'll do first month's, last month's right now.
Too expensive.
Besides, Joanne and I need our own place.
I don't want to be one of those pathetic guys who lives with his son.
I live with you.
Oh, hey, almost forgot to tell you.
I was over at the feed store yesterday, and I saw that there's a cattle show tomorrow.
Oh, at the fairgrounds? Everyone brings their prettiest cow.
Norwood football players used to go there looking for prom dates.
If you went to Garrison, you'd be high-fiving the shit out of me right now.
I think we should go.
I don't know, man.
Lose a whole day of work at the ranch to sit around hoping a cow gets a blue ribbon? They don't even sell them deep-fried Oreos anymore.
Some guy had a heart attack while eating one.
Uh that means they're good.
Look, if we win, it could raise the value of our herd.
I mean, we're a new ranch, we gotta make a name for ourselves.
Think about Pabst Blue Ribbon, okay? Before they won a competition, they were just Pabst.
Who wants to drink that? Buyers ain't impressed by that, man.
They wanna buy from ranchers that are out in the field working, not wasting their time putting beauty products on their cows.
Oh, but it's not wasting time when you take a mid-morning break to reapply moisturizer? Look, we ain't going to the show.
And that moisturizer's got sunscreen in it.
If you had a Ferrari for a face, you'd be putting a car cover on it too.
This is the same old fucking shit, man.
Are we partners or not? Yeah, we're partners.
Then I think we should go.
I wanna do it.
Jesus Christ.
You know what? Just It's easier than an argument, we'll go to the damn show.
- You happy? - Yes.
Thank you.
Would it make you happy if I deep fried some Oreos to take with us? Don't be an idiot.
Of course it would! So, what do you think? It's not bad.
Kinda like when Dubya was in the White House.
He wasn't his dad, but at least he wasn't fucking Clinton.
Well, this place has everything we're looking for.
The master bedroom's on the ground floor, and there's a nice big yard for Drake, and the windows face North Korea, so you can see 'em coming.
I do like how they replaced the coat closet with a gun safe.
I only have one coat.
It's bank owned, and it's been on the market for quite a while, so we could probably get a good price.
It's a nice place.
Definitely better than anything else we've looked at.
If they got rid of the guest room, it'd be perfect.
So do you maybe want to put in an offer? Or we can look at the next house.
It's a certified green house, it has solar Pass.
If we do get this house, don't worry, you don't have to talk to anybody.
I'm gonna tell all the new neighbors that I'm a widow.
You know what? - Let's do it.
- Are you sure? Yep.
I'm done house hunting.
And they shouldn't call it hunting if you can't shoot anything.
- [COLT.]
- Hi.
Oh my God, you missed it.
Peyton was crawling down the road, and she blew through a stop sign, just like her daddy.
I brought us some dinner.
Pizza rolls, mini corn dogs, tater tots.
It's redneck tapas.
You know they're good, 'cause they got Guy Fieri on every box.
Um, so got a little surprise for you.
I confiscated Christopher Damone's Nintendo Switch, and I told him he couldn't get it back until he got an "A" on his next test, and since I grade his tests Merry Christmas! Cool.
- Thank you.
- Wait, that's it? - I stole that from a kid.
- Well, yeah, no Come on, I could have sold that to another kid for 80 bucks! I love it.
I just I mean you can't play Call of Duty on a Switch.
It's not a big deal, it's just my favorite game, but whatever Hey, actually, I need to talk to you about something.
You trust me right? Um, I did until you asked me that question.
Look, it's just there's something I need to tell you.
And I I didn't want to do it before, but now that we're back together and going so strong, I I feel like I need to share it with you.
Okay, what's going on? Wait, did you kill someone? No.
No, I didn't kill anyone.
I know who killed Nick.
What? Wait, how do you know who killed him? 'Cause I was there.
I mean, not during, but right after.
The person who killed him was still in the trailer.
Oh my God.
- Colt! - Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I know.
I I didn't wanna tell you, 'cause I didn't wanna make you a part of it.
Me a part of it? You shouldn't be a part of it.
I don't wanna be a part of it, it just happened.
Why didn't you tell the police? 'Cause the person who did it is a good person.
And it was totally justified.
They don't deserve to go to jail for killing that piece of shit.
Total honesty, if you wanna know who did it, I'll tell you.
Jesus, Colt.
I mean, come on.
The day after I tell you that I'm gonna move back in, you admit that you're covering up a murder? Are you serious? So, what, we're just not gonna talk about it? No.
You gotta trust me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Joanne.
Sorry I'm late.
I went to Laura's to pick up the offer.
She was talking my ear off about her sick bird, Nelson.
He's named after her grandfather.
I know you didn't ask, but neither did I.
And if I have to hear that bullshit, then so do you.
How in the hell do you have a bird in your house, and not shoot it? We both have to sign the offer.
I don't know about this.
I know how you feel about signing but I asked, and the bank won't accept a handshake.
No, I don't think this house is right for us.
What are you talking about? It's got everything we're looking for.
It's got the acreage, and the location.
Even had a doormat that said "Go away.
" My doormat says "Hanks for coming.
" I just put some tape over the "T.
" That house has problems.
Fireplace is gas.
And there's no room for my Field & Stream collection.
I've got back issues from the '60s.
They're talking about the same streams for the tenth fuckin' time.
And that roof's got 10-15 years max.
We've got 10-15 years max.
You're making excuses.
We can disconnect the gas.
And you could put your magazines in that closet, where they had the cat's litter box.
A cat lived there? No, thanks.
We have 45 days to move, and we've seen every house in three counties.
Joanne, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't want this house.
Is this about leaving the ranch? No, it's about me not wanting to buy that house, and you not listening.
Beau, come on.
Come on, can we please talk about something else? Sure.
In 45 days, where do you want your Field & Stream delivered? - Hello.
- Hey, I know you're upset about Abby, but I still think you did the right thing by telling her the truth.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, really? You just started crying when "Picture" by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock came on.
She put his picture away.
I'm sorry if I'm a human with ears, and a heart, and good taste in music.
Well, I'm about to cheer you up, cowboy.
Yeah, listen, I'm really not in the mood for the banana trick again.
Boom! Deep-fried Oreos.
Either gonna give you a double-stuffed smile, or a double bypass.
That ain't gonna help.
Okay, it's helping a little.
What the hell? - [COW MOANING.]
- Goddammit, she's throwing her calf.
What's that mean? She's having a miscarriage.
- Oh, shit.
- The fucking calf's stuck.
We gotta get that thing outta there.
Outta where, man? I'm already having a hard time keeping my Oreo down.
You just gotta grab it.
With what, like, tongs, or ? Holy fuck! Your whole arm is up that cow's ass! Oh! - You - [THUDS.]
Oh, my God.
I knew we shouldn't have brought this cow here.
They just made it through the cold snap.
Now we just put more stress on her by loading her up and bringing her here.
Is it alive? It's premature.
Never had a chance.
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.
Oh, this is my fault? Well, it was your idea.
- No, we decided to come down here.
- We didn't decide shit.
You just bitched and moaned until you got your way.
You must love having me around the ranch, so every time something goes wrong, - you can just blame me.
- I don't know what to tell you, man.
On top of losing a whole day's work, we just lost a $2,000 calf.
Yeah, whatever, what do you want me to do? I need to get some antibiotics.
And you need to just stay the fuck out of my way.
No problem, asshole.
I'm taking these.
You like this? It's called Peppa Pig.
We have to watch it with the sound off, because if Grandpa Beau finds out she's British, Peppa's gonna be bacon.
- Hey! - Oh, hey, Abby! We were we were just reading Guns and Ammo.
It's okay.
She's used to watching TV with her dad.
I can always tell when they've been watching Sesame Street, 'cause Colt starts using all of these new words.
"Oh, I love this new bread.
It's pumpernickel.
It was wheat, but I let him have his moment.
Well, that explains why Colt tried to compliment me the other day by saying, "Wow, Joanne, your chili is foreboding.
Oh, and, hey, Beau told me about you guys offering to let us move into the new house.
Really appreciate that.
Oh, of course.
That's what family does.
I mean, for you guys.
There's no fucking way I'm letting my family live there.
Well, thanks, but we're gonna pass.
Colt built that house for you guys.
I'd hate to have it spoiled by Beau killing him.
Yeah, I guess a murder would really hurt the resale value.
Yeah, I'm just glad to see things are going so well for you and Colt.
Yeah, well, they were until you know yesterday he said something to me that was a little foreboding.
Everything okay? I found out last night that Colt's been keeping a really big secret from me.
How'd you find out? He told me.
And I mean, it wasn't even his fault, he's helping someone else.
It's Well, I don't know what happened, and it's none of my business, but you think he's helping this person for the right reason? Yeah, I mean, I wanna believe that.
He's got a good heart.
He does.
His hands are weirdly soft, and he relies on Sesame Street far more than you'd want for a 35-year-old man Right.
but he's a good guy.
Yeah, he is.
And his hands are so soft 'cause he does that paraffin wax.
Well, at the end of the day it's all a leap of faith.
You don't know what's gonna happen in life.
It's just about do you trust the person you're with? - Do you trust Colt? - Yeah, I do.
Well, just keep that in mind when you're thinking about all this.
I mean, I just told him I was all in, you know? And I wanna be.
Then right away, we hit this roadblock.
Well, marriage is hard work.
My mom used to say when you get married, you shouldn't commit to love, you should commit to working on it.
Of course, she also had a bumper sticker that said, "I don't brake for hippies.
Oh my God, I married my mother.
I'm not a deer, don't shoot! That's exactly what a deer would say.
How'd you find me? I planted a tracker in the back of your neck.
That's not fucking funny.
I followed your tire tracks.
It was cool.
It was like I was hunting a Ford.
I'm gonna mount your truck's grille on the wall.
You okay? Yeah, I just needed some time alone.
Been in the deer stand for two hours, you didn't even bring a gun? You might have to return that "Bambi's worst nightmare" mug.
That mug is bullshit.
Bambi's worst nightmare is Lyme disease, and headlights.
Hey, I'm sorry if you felt like I was pushing you into buying that house.
We can look at other places.
Maybe a houseboat.
How much nicer would your recliner be if you could fish from it? You weren't pushing me.
It was a nice house.
It's just that place isn't this place.
I told Colt that the Iron River was just a hunk of dirt, but that's not true.
I know it's not the same, but when my house burned down, I lost the place where I raised my daughter.
Been in that house for 40 years.
It was devastating.
But then I found a home here with you.
And pretty soon, I forgot all about that place.
Maybe that's my Alzheimer's.
I didn't think it'd be this hard.
It's difficult because you have time to think about it.
My house was there one day, gone the next.
It was like ripping off a Band-Aid.
I don't use Band-Aids.
You're either okay, or you need stitches.
Wherever we move, you're gonna make new memories.
It will be tough, but it won't be all bad.
And if it is bad, I'll be right there with you.
You're not gonna go through this alone.
I couldn't do this without you.
I don't say it enough.
But I'm so thankful for you.
I'm sorry I've been dragging my feet on this.
Oh, Beau.
That's the thing I love most about you, you drag your feet more than anybody I know.
You've been looking to buy a new truck since 1978.
I don't want my truck to have a crumple zone.
My truck's crumple zone is the other car.
I'll be happy living anywhere as long as I'm with you.
Well, then maybe we should go make an offer? Besides, I timed it.
We can get from that place to Charlie's Steakhouse in under four minutes.
Then why in the fuck are we sitting here? Let's go buy a house.
Hey, there you are.
Look, can we can we talk about this Nick thing? Of course.
I'd love to.
I'm scared.
Colt, you're covering up a murder.
Yeah, I know.
I said it's gonna be okay.
You don't know that.
Peyton needs you, okay? I need you.
You're right.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
But I know I'm doing the right thing.
Are you sure it's worth it? It is.
All right, I trust you.
Really? Yeah.
Like we said, we're in this together, all the way.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What are we gonna do about this Nick thing, huh? I have no idea.
All I know is that I'll be honest with you about everything.
Even if you don't wanna hear it.
I appreciate that.
It shows how much you've changed.
I watched The Bachelor season finale without you.
What? I faked my surprise when Lauren D won.
You were crying! Lauren D is a single mother who was never gonna find love.
I cried both times.
We got a problem.
- What's going on? - Two more cows miscarried.
Jesus Christ.
And somebody's got Somebody's got To love her To love her, yeah, it should be me
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