The Ranch (2016) s04e17 Episode Script

What Was I Thinking

Hey, Beer Pong! Hey.
Why aren't you wearing your uniform? Oh shit, are you undercover? Did I just blow it? - [POOL BALLS CLACKING.]
- Hello, citizen.
I got the night shift.
- We're setting up a DUI checkpoint later.
- Oh.
I just gotta be sober enough to hold a flashlight in the guy's eyes.
DUI checkpoint Looks like I'll be getting a lot of Uber calls tonight.
Maria, can I get another beer? So how's Nikki? She's all right.
Unfortunately, she lost her job at the PetSmart.
If everything goes right, she's about to be the only YouTube beauty influencer who can also deworm a dog.
Whoa! That's awesome, man.
Abby's just a stupid school teacher.
What's up with you? Well, me and Abby are getting ready to move into the Peterson Ranch.
Oh, by the way, you're gonna get an invite to a housewarming party, and it's gonna say "no gifts," but you know, gifts.
That is, if we have a place to throw a party at.
Why, what's going on? Lisa Neumann's herd's got the trich.
She thinks it's come from our ranch.
She's probably gonna sue me for everything I got.
A good thing nobody ever bought me that new Call of Duty yet.
That sucks.
You want me to frame her for something? Somebody killed an endangered owl last week.
Maybe tomorrow it'll be in Lisa's trunk.
You're a good friend.
And an even better cop.
No, I just gotta prove it didn't come from our ranch.
Although, a stuffed endangered owl would be a kick-ass housewarming gift.
You know, we still ain't got one of them toilet paper holders Also, do not have the new Call of Duty.
- Hint.
Oh, shit.
They just found a gun in the woods behind the trailer park.
Why's that news? Be weird if they didn't find a gun behind the trailer park.
No, this is behind where Nick and Mary lived.
They think it's the gun that killed him.
Bad news for whoever killed him.
Yeah, but good news for me.
Whenever we solve a case, the captain brings hot wings.
I gotta go.
Sure you're okay to drive? Yeah! You put on the sirens, everyone gets out of your way! Hey.
We got a problem.
They found a gun.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Ah! Thanks for the sex.
You wanna order Domino's? God damn! That's the most romantic thing someone's ever said to me! [LAUGHS.]
Order it up.
You know what, I'm gonna take a shower.
God, it'll be nice to get cleaned up somewhere outside of rehab.
I won't have to bang on the wall every three minutes so they know I'm not trying to hang myself.
Hey, actually I think we should probably talk about rehab.
I'm a little worried you're back on the wrong path.
Yeah, just boned Dr.
Yeah, no, I'm serious.
You You gotta go back.
Also, I don't think Dr.
Phil would be willing to wear your underwear.
To be fair, I did not ask you to do that.
Well, I wouldn't be a generous lover if you had to ask.
Listen, Mary, you can't kick heroin in two weeks.
It doesn't work that way.
That's why these programs are 30 days or more.
I mean Sandra Bullock didn't shine in a movie called 11 Days.
I can't sit there and listen to the bullshit phrases anymore.
You're the one that said you wanted your family back.
You said you wanted your life back.
- I'm trying to make sure that happens.
- Yeah, no, I get it.
I do get it, okay? - You do? - Heroin is bad.
I was medicating myself so I wouldn't have to feel pain, but I stopped, - and I am fine.
- You're fine? - Yes.
- When was the last time I heard that? Right before you stole my truck.
- Come on - You were "fine" then.
I fucked up a lot, okay? - A lot.
- I already apologized.
The other time you were "fine," you stole money from your daughter! Oh, Jesus! You gotta bring that up? Yes, I gotta bring that up.
You seem to have no memory for these kind of things.
- I have perfect fucking memory, okay? - Hey! Put your shoes - I'm leaving.
- Listen to me! I don't want you to fucking die, okay? We have been through too much.
Enough is enough.
We don't want to lose you.
I don't want to lose you.
You are not gonna lose me! Okay, I just I wanna be past all this shit.
Yes, and, hon, you are close to getting past all this.
You are halfway there, but you have to go back.
You have to let me take you back there tomorrow morning.
At least see it to the end, okay? Okay, yes, okay.
Thank you.
I don't wanna go.
It'll be okay.
My roommate OD'd yesterday, so at least I finally get a single.
See, that's a great silver lining.
Come here.
- Wow! Did you know that every snowflake is different? I mean, these all look the same.
Maybe that's just something people say, like "Every baby's beautiful," but you've looked around your Gymboree class.
You know the deal.
Hey! - Hey.
- Hi! Heya, Peapod.
Luke and Mary are inside.
He's taking her back to rehab in the morning.
I guess she checked herself out.
I can't even get out of my Columbia House DVD Club, but apparently a heroin addict can just walk right out of rehab.
Hey, I was over at the bar with Beer Pong.
Looks like the police might have found the gun that killed Nick.
They found the gun? Oh, my God! - All right, take it easy, it might be nothing.
- Yeah, it might.
Or, it might be the end of the fucking world.
What does this mean for you? I don't know.
Look, we don't even know if it was the gun.
I mean, if we're lucky, this gun could've been used to kill somebody else.
Fingers crossed.
I knew something like this would happen.
Colt Hey.
How you doing? Me? I'm good, yeah.
Celebrating seven days of being sober.
I thought it was two weeks.
Well, we gotta go get the pizzas.
The dipshit Domino's dude hit a patch of black ice, threw it in a ditch.
I told him I'd pull him out.
You better believe those toppings are gonna be all fucked up.
Is that a cop car? Just play it cool.
Yeah, I started dating you 20 years ago.
I think I know how to talk to the cops.
Oh, they sent the little one.
Hey, Wilkerson.
You lost? Yellow Brick Road's that way.
Oh, don't be a prick, Colt! He knows where Munchkinland is.
He's the mayor! Luke, you're under arrest.
Come on, man, it was just a joke.
What are you arresting Luke for? For killing Nick.
Beer Pong.
Call me back, or I'm gonna send the local news the video.
What what's the video? [KNOCKING.]
There ain't one.
But if you got that message, would you call someone back? - Hey, Heather.
- Hey.
Mom, what's going on? I got some bad news.
They just arrested Luke for killing Nick.
What? I mean, obviously it's a mistake.
'Cause Luke didn't kill him.
He'll be out in the morning.
We all hope he didn't do it, but we don't know for sure.
Well, he was gone that night.
He had as much reason to do it as any of us.
Luke didn't kill Nick.
How do you know that? Colt, I think you should tell them.
Tell us what? What the fuck is going on? Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it? Your cousin just got arrested for murder! - I know! - Just tell 'em! I did it.
I killed Nick.
What are you talking about? That night, when I saw what he did to you it brought back every time he hit you, or me, or Darlene.
I've been scared of him my entire life.
I went to the trailer to pack up your stuff, so you'd never have to go back there again and while I was packing, I found a gun and then Nick walked in, and he saw the gun, and he came at me, and - I didn't know what to do.
I just - Oh God, Heather! Jesus H.
Well, you were protecting yourself.
I just can't believe you've had to go through this alone.
She wasn't alone.
She called me right after, that's why I was there and got arrested.
We can't worry about any of that anymore.
We gotta figure out what we're gonna do next.
I know what I'm gonna do.
- I'm gonna turn myself in.
- Hold on.
That's We don't We know the cops have a gun.
We don't know if they can tie it to Luke.
They're probably just using it to scare him into confessing.
I mean, they still have to send it to Ensics.
What? Don't you watch Law & Order? Every time they find a weapon, they put in a bag that says "for Ensics.
" I wish I had a gun right now.
Before you do anything else, Heather, you gotta call a lawyer.
I'll find out what the cops got on Luke.
So Luke's just gonna spend the night in jail? He doesn't have any choice.
They're not gonna process him till morning.
Yeah, plus it's Garrison jail.
It's like summer camp.
It's Wednesday.
Wilkerson's mom serves chili.
I almost got a DUI on Tuesday just so I could have the chili on Wednesday.
It's okay, Joanne.
Luke's gonna be all right.
Just enjoy your time with your daughter, and your granddaughter.
I'd say, "Enjoy Arizona," but we both know that's impossible.
Maggie just walked in with a gun.
I'd better go.
Honestly, if she did, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
I love you, too.
Hey, Mags.
What are you doing here? I came by to give you this.
This is the pistol I gave you on our first wedding anniversary.
Still remember the poem you wrote.
"Roses are red, violets are blue.
Always shoot them before they shoot you.
" I forgot how romantic I used to be.
If you don't mind, I'd like to get my shotgun, too.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
I know that belonged to your mom, mostly because she brought it to our wedding, in case I got any ideas.
I'm returning it to you, because I'm turning in all my guns to the police department, and I know you won't, but you should think about doing it, too.
I was always afraid a woman would come for my guns, but I was sure it would be Hillary.
I just can't stop thinking about what would have happened if Heather wouldn't have found that gun in Nick's trailer.
And there's guns all over this town.
Look at this house.
I have a harder time finding scissors than I do a handgun around here.
I have an appropriate amount of guns.
Yeah, for an NRA convention.
How many do you really need? Okay, a couple of rifles for deer, shotgun for ducks, and, knowing you, a pistol under your bed for a census taker.
I'm a responsible gun owner.
I know where every one of my guns is.
And what if Peyton finds one of those? I'll teach her respect for firearms, just like I did the boys.
How'd that work out? What about when Rooster accidentally shot the mantel? Or when the boys shot the TV set, while you were watching it.
What about Colt's fourth-grade science project? "Can I safely microwave a bullet?" You're the one who wanted a fucking microwave.
Oh, yeah, look at that, right? It's never locked.
Neither are your doors.
We bought that cabinet together, and it was never locked when you were living here, either.
Okay, we were a family who shot guns together.
We had a Christmas card.
We're all holding them, and it said, "All we want for Christmas is our Second Amendment.
" That's still my favorite.
So I just don't understand what's changed.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of people saying they need an assault weapon to defend themselves, and I'm sick of turning on the TV and seeing another mass shooting.
Beau, why aren't you fucking sick of it? I'm not gonna have this conversation.
"I'm not having this conversation.
" That oughta be the Bennett family motto.
Okay, you've got two minutes.
This is a big deal, I could get in big trouble for this.
It's serious, not like when you steal my gun.
Look, I get it, man.
We appreciate this.
By the way, here.
God damn it! All right, give me back the keys to the evidence locker.
I ain't got them.
Not again.
How you doing? Not great.
You know, I was up all night, listening to some guy crying about his mommy.
You're in here all alone.
Yeah, I miss my mommy.
You got a fucking problem with that? I get it.
I spent some time in here.
Well, when you get bored, stick your head in that toilet bowl, it makes a great Darth Vader sound.
My name is Luke.
Of course I tried that.
What do they got on you, killer? Well apparently they got the gun that killed Nick, and it's mine.
There's your lesson.
Never register your guns.
This whole thing is fucked.
I didn't do it.
How can it be your gun? Well, my gun was in the glove box of my truck when Mary stole it.
So, she must have taken it into the trailer, and then whoever shot Nick grabbed it.
But even worse, I think they may have stolen my counterfeit handicap parking pass.
There's some bad people in this world.
Don't you worry.
I'm gonna fix this.
You gonna fix it like the radio on my El Camino? 'Cause I turned that thing on, it burst into flames while I was driving.
I had to pour a perfectly good beer on top to put it out! It burst into flames while it was playing Hank Williams Jr.
That's just awesome.
Luke I know you didn't do it.
I got a plan.
- I'm gonna got you outta here.
Found my keys.
But there's a lot of cocaine missing.
Time's up, let's go.
You heard him, let's go.
Nice try.
Come on.
I hope to shit that wasn't your plan.
Heather, based on what I've heard, you acted in self-defense.
But the prosecutor's gonna say that you were angry about what happened with your mom, that you broke into Nick's trailer, that you waited until he came home, and you shot him in cold blood.
Wow, I'm really good at this! I probably should've worked for the prosecution! Yeah, but that's not what happened.
Yeah, I'm just saying that that's how they're gonna paint it in a trial.
So, it could go either way? I'd do my best to make sure it didn't, but you should know the risks.
Now, there is another option, and it's one that guarantees that you'll never go to jail.
Really? What is it? We let this Luke sap hang for it.
No, we want him out.
He's my cousin.
And he's innocent.
Yeah, that too.
Right, sure.
Um, that's gonna make it a little bit harder, but no problem.
Look, I've heard enough.
I'm still gonna turn myself in.
Are you sure? Yeah, and don't worry, I'm not gonna tell the police that Colt lied for me.
Wait a minute, what do you mean that Colt lied for you? She called me, right after.
I showed up, I told her to leave and get rid of the gun.
When the cops arrested me, I told them Nick was already dead, I didn't see anyone, or anything.
Wow! Remind me to call this guy if I ever kill anybody, am I right? Okay, if the police find out that Colt helped cover this up, how much trouble is he in? Um Well, we're talking accessory after the fact, so could be anything from probation to a couple of years.
- Couple of years? - Jesus.
That's two years without seeing a Broncos game.
Two years without seeing your wife and child? Yeah, that too.
Look, Colt had nothing to do with this.
I was the one who shot him.
Yeah, we gotta get you to stop saying that so often.
Jesus Christ, what a fucking mess.
I'm so sorry.
If you guys can keep quiet about Colt's part in this, he might get away with it.
But if you try to hide it, and get caught, it's gonna be a lot tougher on both of you.
Now, look, I'm gonna go in, and I'm gonna tell them I killed Nick, and that no one else had anything to do with it.
Or we could circle back to that Luke guy.
Hey, Beau, what can I get you? How about a whiskey and my missing rifle? Are you trying to say that you lost track of one of your guns? That's impossible.
You're the most responsible gun owner that's ever been born.
Come on, Maggie, I didn't lose it.
You took it out of my truck.
I know how much you love them.
They're like your children, only you actually remember your guns' birthdays.
Winchester 30-30.
Birthday: September 25th, 1985.
Yeah, I remember the smile on your face the first time you ever held it.
Beau, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to prove a point.
I mean you never lock your truck, anyone could have taken it.
It's been in that truck for 30 years, and no one has.
Yeah, I know.
You've driven it everywhere.
You used to take the kids to school in it.
When they rode shotgun, they got to hold the shotgun.
I'm not giving up my guns.
I know that.
I'm just asking you to think about what it means to be a gun owner.
It's a different world today.
Yes, it is.
You watch movies on your phone you plug in your fucking car and people wear shorts on airplanes.
Yeah, when we were kids, we used to be afraid the Russians were coming.
Still am.
Yeah, well, now kids have to have active shooter drills.
I mean, Heather shot Nick with a gun she found.
She very easily could've walked out and grabbed that one, just the way I did.
How many times have you used that gun? Once to scare off a coyote, and once to scare off Dale.
Sadly, they both came back.
I'm just asking you.
Do you need a loaded gun in your truck all the time? I don't know.
I guess it wouldn't do any harm to keep in the house.
It's a start, right? Thanks for listening.
By the way, if you wanna stop by later, my Smith & Wesson is having its 30th birthday.
We're having cake.
And then we're gonna shoot out the candles.
I got your text that you were working late, but that was three hours ago.
Come on, it's 2:00 in the morning.
Last time you stayed up this late, you were setting up a snare trap for the Easter Bunny.
Sorry, I just want to get this finished.
Oh, I'm so tired.
Should call Billy and see if he's got any of that missing cocaine.
Oh What is this, a bookshelf? Yeah, it's for you.
Oh, it's not for your one book? Why do you have a thesaurus, anyway? I thought it was about dinosaurs.
Well, instead you were disappointed, regretful, bummed What're you doing? All them words mean the same thing.
So you haven't even opened it yet.
Okay Look, this is really nice of you, and thank you, but you should really get some sleep.
I just wanna get it finished, in case you know, I'm not around for a while.
Well, um hopefully that won't be the case.
You know, 'cause they'll find out it was self-defense, and Heather said she was gonna keep you out of it.
I had a part in it.
I mean, it's just Heather going down there alone, it just don't seem right.
Okay, she didn't ask you to go with her.
Who are you doing this for? I was a part of covering it up.
You don't want me to turn myself in 'cause it involves Heather? No.
I don't want you to turn yourself in 'cause I don't want you to go to fucking jail.
If I don't go, this is just gonna be hanging over our heads.
I don't wanna be sitting around wondering if they found out something new, and they're gonna come and arrest me, too.
If I go, and I just take my punishment, it's over.
And what about me? What about Peyton? Look, I promised you this is the kinda person I'm gonna be.
Someone Peyton can look up to, and not just 'cause I broke 17 passing records and the undeniable greatest quarterback in Colorado history.
That's the Garrison Times' words, not mine.
I'm just I'm scared, you know? I don't wanna lose you.
I don't wanna lose you either.
In fact, I'm allergic to losing.
Once again, Garrison Times.
We're partners.
I told you I was always gonna be honest with you, and involve you in the decisions, so I think this is the right thing to do, but I ain't gonna do it without your blessing.
Now if I say no, I'm just an asshole.
You're doing the right thing.
Come here.
- Yep.
- Well, you know, if you go to prison, maybe you should take a shop class.
Yeah? If this goes badly, there's a bottle of vitamin C wrinkle-reducing serum in my underwears drawer, just use that shit before it expires.
You can't think like that, Colt.
And I already found your serum.
I'm real sorry about all this.
No, don't be.
Look, the only bad guy here is Nick.
It's gonna be okay.
We're all gonna be okay.
Thanks, guys.
Wilkerson, I I need to talk to you.
Is this about your mom? 'Cause we're processing her right now.
What are you talking about? Mary confessed to killing Nick.
I got my hands up I need an alibi Find me a witness Who can testify You made mistake You got the wrong guy I'm only guilty of a damn good time No, it ain't my fault [MEN VOCALIZING.]
No, it ain't my fault [VOCALIZING.]
No, it ain't my fault [VOCALIZING.]

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