The Ranch (2016) s04e18 Episode Script

Helluva Life

1 [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
What the fuck was that? Well, obviously Mary's trying to keep Heather out of jail, but Yeah, I can't let her do that.
I've gotta go back in there.
No, you cannot confess to a crime that your mom just confessed to! Hold on what if we all go in and confess? - What? - Then they can't charge anyone.
Holy shit, did I just figure out the loophole to get out of any crime? Well, I get why she did it.
I would do the same thing for Peyton.
I mean, honestly, I do hope that she's the first Bennett that doesn't go to jail.
Please, we ain't raisin' a loser.
Besides, it's probably in her DNA.
I mean, those things are generic.
Well, hopefully she gets my generics.
I know this is a mess, okay, but we do not know what she said.
Okay, we'll call Jerry, and he'll be able to get in to see her.
I'd call Beer Pong, but he got suspended.
He dropped his Taser in the pool at the YMCA.
A bunch of old people lost their fingerprints.
God I just keep hoping I'm gonna wake up and find out this whole thing was a nightmare.
Whoo! Boy, that was fast! I just left you a message.
Great news, they pinned it on some other fucking loser.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Whoo! Feels good! - What is it? - [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Have you talked to my mom? Yeah.
She's holding up pretty well, and she has a much better case for self-defense than Heather does.
I mean, she's in her own home, she's confronted by an abusive, drug-dealing boyfriend Yeah, but she didn't do it.
I did.
Yeah You know what, I probably will not put you on the stand.
No, I'm not even letting my mom go to trial.
I need to go talk to her.
Well, her arraignment is tomorrow When the judge'll set the bail pursuant to charges.
Once the bail's posted, she'll be granted conditional release.
Failure to appear in court will result in forfeiture.
- I'm familiar with the process.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, shit, I gotta take this.
Hey.
Hi, Rich! Oh, no, you're not interrupting nothin'.
Just talking to my friend about the murder charges.
So the only way I can talk to my mom is if I post bail? I can't afford that.
My lunch today is just gonna be whatever samples are out at Costco.
How much do you think her bail's gonna be? Hard to say.
In a murder charge, it could be up to a million dollars.
A million dollars? Okay, related question.
What kind of jail time is a guy looking at if he robs a bank? Don't worry.
We'll find a way to get her out.
It's gonna be okay.
Is it? I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
This is all I think about.
Fucking Nick is still ruining our lives, even after I killed him.
I believe what you mean is, after your mother "self-defensed" him to death.
Outback found out about the trich outbreak.
They're pulling the deal.
- Can they even do that? - I don't know.
I told Rich that it was only five cows.
He said they don't wanna risk the PR crisis.
God, that's not right.
You need to call Rich back, okay? Have him vouch for you.
Tell him to march right into those Outback offices and say, "Colt is a great guy, and if you're not gonna work with him, then I quit!" He ain't gonna do that.
Yeah, that's probably the right call.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
Fuck Outback.
Fuck everything Australian.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
I'm done drinking Foster's.
I'm glad that a dingo ate their baby.
This fucking day, man.
Mary's still stuck in jail, isolated from her friends and family.
It's just not right.
She needs to be back in rehab, isolated from her friends and family.
Just fucking everything sucks.
Just gotta sack up, and focus on work.
Ooh, that's a shiny car.
Oh, damn.
'71 Chevelle SS.
454 Big-Block, damn! That is so shiny.
Sergeant Kuzuma! What are you doing here? How the hell are you, Private Matthews? Hey, Sergeant, this is my cousin Colt.
Brigadier General Bennett.
How are you? That's my Call of Duty rank.
Koosh and I were in Iraq together.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Y'all fighting for the same country, or ? [MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT.]
Honestly, not at first.
But when I saw him through my sniper scope, I thought, "Is he really that much different than me?" So, I turned in my suicide vest and gave my two weeks' notice to Bin Laden.
Yeah, that's a cool story.
Jesus Christ, he's from Cleveland.
His parents own a comic book shop.
[CLEVELAND ACCENT.]
Yeah, I'm not a terrorist.
- I'm a Browns fan.
- Oh, shit That's even worse.
Koosh was my sergeant over there.
He's a bad motherfucker.
Number one reason I made it home alive.
That's awesome.
Hey, just so you know, at football games, I always stand up during the anthem.
Hey, thanks for your service.
Yeah.
So, what are you doing here? We built this baby in my shop in Chicago, and I'm on my way to an auction in Denver.
You texted me that you were out here, figured it'd be kind of fun to be the only Muslim in a town full of guns.
I wouldn't worry about that, man.
People round here is cool.
While I was in high school, my tight end, he was a Lutheran.
Mmm.
Yeah, and I didn't even care.
Okay, well, let's quit while we're barely ahead, um Wanna grab dinner tonight? Yeah, sounds great.
Maybe we can grab some Lutheran food? Hmm.
Shoot me a text, and I'll meet you.
- All right.
- Good to see you.
- Oorah! - That's the Marines.
Yeah, I fucking know, man.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS.]
Who the hell was that? Oh, that was an old army buddy of mine.
No shit? That's good.
It's a damn tragedy, though.
Man comes back from a war just to throw his life away driving a fucking Chevy.
Dad, just a heads-up, before you meet him, 'cause I don't want it to be weird, 'cause I know you hated these people for a long time He's a Browns fan.
Henderson's trying to get ahold of you.
Sounds like your co-op heard the Outback deal's falling apart.
They're having a vote on whether or not to kick you out.
They can't do that.
I created that co-op.
They figure since none of their cows are having any problems, getting rid of you might save the deal.
I tried to talk Henderson out of it, but he didn't appreciate my tone.
So I told him to go fuck himself.
They kick us out, how are we gonna get another deal? They're not gonna kick us out.
I'll call every single one of them, make sure we stay in.
If that don't work, we go to plan B.
What's plan B? If I knew that, it'd be plan A! [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- So, Koosh, how's the family? - They're good.
My daughter just discovered Justin Bieber.
No offense, Matthews, but if she marries a blond-haired white boy, I'm gonna fucking kill her.
Biebs gets a bad rap.
It's tough being a celebrity at a young age.
Trust me.
You were a teen celebrity? I'll give you one hint You were Dolly Parton? What the hell? Used to be a poster of me playing football.
Who took my fucking poster down? Could've been anybody.
- But it wasn't.
It was me.
- [LAUGHS.]
Did Luke ever tell you about his first night on patrol in Iraq? They don't wanna hear that, that's Well, I had a tough day, sounds like he did something stupid, so maybe it'll cheer me up.
We were outside Karbala, and I sent Luke out on patrol, and he comes running back, yelling, "My eyes are burning, it's a chemical weapon attack!" So everyone in the unit goes to MOPP one.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! MOPP one That's crazy.
What's MOPP one? Everybody puts on gas masks.
So there's alarms going off, the generals are making phone calls, and this guy's crying, "We're all gonna die! I love you, Koosh! This isn't my real hair color, I squirt lemon on it!" Okay, well, I guess what happens in Karbala doesn't stay in Karbala.
Hey, Koosh, I'm really glad you're in Garrison.
Hey, I have a Mexican friend too.
Cool.
I'll let the boys at headquarters know you're not a racist.
Cool, yeah, I'm also totally cool with the gays.
But I don't know if it's the same headquarters.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, shit, it's Hollister.
It's about the co-op.
Yep! He's an interesting guy.
He's really not.
I'll get the next round.
You girls gonna keep drinking light beer, or do you want a whiskey? [CHUCKLES.]
Shit.
Light beer, please.
Man, it's good to see you.
You too, it's been way too long, man.
Uh, listen, now that I got you alone for a second, look, I don't know what your deal is here, but I got a job offer for you.
- Yeah, what are we talking about? - Mmm.
I'm looking for someone to run my shop in Chicago.
You're the best mechanic I know.
Thank you.
You know, you get pretty good at working on shit when the only options are fix the engine, or get captured and tortured by Al-Qaeda.
That's really cool you wanna offer me a job.
That's awesome.
It's a real offer, man.
Benefits, a decent salary What do you make at the ranch? Um So far, I've lost $40,000.
Wow.
Fuck it, I'll match it.
[LAUGHS.]
So, what do you say? You know I appreciate the offer.
Can I think about it? This you gotta think about, but when Ramirez convinced you that the best way to hydrate is to drink your own piss, you had no questions.
Hey.
I'm gonna go meet Hollister.
He wants to talk about the co-op.
I keep extras in my truck.
Beau You have fixed that six different times.
If I could pull the plug on my sister, you could pull the plug on an old microwave.
Maybe you wouldn't have pulled the plug so fast if your sister could bake a potato in 45 seconds.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all that with Karen by yourself.
Oh, I wasn't by myself.
I had a really good support system.
This whole thing with Mary is really fucked up, huh? Yeah.
I was just talking to Joanne about everything.
Depending what happens with Mary's arraignment, we're thinking about helping cover the bail.
Oh, boy, I think that's a mistake.
It's better to leave Mary where she is.
She'll get some real help.
Maybe she'll even get sober.
I mean, she quit on rehab.
She can't quit on prison.
Oh, so you're big on tough love now? Remember when we found the boys playing with cigarettes, and I wanted to make them smoke the whole pack, and you said that was too harsh? They were eight and ten! Yeah, and you were worried about stunting their brain growth.
How'd that work out? Look, I think it's great that you wanna help Mary.
I just don't think that's the way to do it, you know? Besides, the bail is gonna cost a fortune.
You need to start selling off your antiques.
I don't have any antiques.
That's my nice way of saying all your shit is old.
Joanne and I have a little money set aside.
It's for the down payment on a new house.
I don't know.
If you do that, where are you guys gonna live? With Colt.
But hopefully not for long.
He's already told me that his first house rule is "Sunday Funday.
" Bottom line is co-op wasn't created for one deal.
It's for the greater good.
You kick me out, what's gonna happen if your cattle come in underweight, or Kincaid's ten head short 'cause of a freeze, or Toby falls in love with another one of his cows, and doesn't want to sell it? [LAUGHS.]
You think he would've learned last time.
But I get what you're saying.
I can't make any promises, Colt, but I'll talk to the other guys.
You're doing the right thing.
Tell you what.
If they try to kick you out, I got your back.
Unless you do something real fucked-up, like shoot up an orphanage or start wearing socks with sandals, or some shit.
Hey, Colt.
I'm so sorry to hear about your baby's recently diagnosed medical condition .
I sure hope you don't have a financial setback that would affect your ability to pay those expensive doctor bills.
Oh my goodness! I didn't see you sitting there, Mr.
Hollister, hi.
Yeah, hey.
I already told Colt I'm voting with him.
I may be a little late tomorrow.
I gotta go watch my boy Mikey run his cross country race.
Not sure why I need to be there to see him finish fucking 12th.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Can I talk to you about something? Hey, if it's about a poster of me playing football, I already put one up in your cabin.
And don't worry, I spelled my name right this time.
Yeah, hey - Koosh offered me a job tonight.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
You tell him you already got one here at the ranch? Hmm.
Well, it's kind of a dream job, to be honest.
He wants me to run his custom car shop in Chicago.
You're actually thinking about it? Yeah, kinda.
We just lost the Outback deal.
Might be getting booted out of the co-op.
You just gonna bail? Well, no, it's just you know, it's a bit of a dream job, and Doesn't mean I don't love being here on the ranch, hanging out with my cousin, learning about ranching and arguing about important stuff, like who's got more money: Scrooge McDuck or the Monopoly Man? Obviously, Scrooge McDuck! He's got a silo full of gold coins that he swims in! I mean, if you love this place so much, you can just tell Koosh "no" right away.
Look, I haven't decided yet, but I thought we could have a fucking conversation about it.
And, sure, Scrooge McDuck's got a shitload of coins.
Yah-fucking-hooey! He's still a duck, and a duck can't buy Park Place.
You threw a fit that I wasn't treating you like a partner.
So I squared that up.
Why? What, so you can wait for something better to come along? [LAUGHS.]
Jesus Christ, man.
Do you ever think of anybody but yourself? Oh, this is about me.
[STAMMERS.]
This is, what, like, the third time you quit on me? Why don't I just make this easy for you? Take the job.
Okay, great.
You made the decision for me.
I can't believe you're actually selling this thing.
It's like you're leaving home for good.
Oh, I'll be back to see you guys.
I'm just starting a new adventure.
I worry about you being so far away with no family around.
Of course, I'll also be jealous of that.
I'll be okay.
Look I wasn't gonna say anything, but since you brought it up I did meet somebody when I was down in Florida.
Holy shit.
I'm glad to hear that, Mags.
I'm happy for you.
Should've brought him with you.
Wait a minute, he's not a vegetarian, is he? Or worse, a fucking golfer? No, don't worry.
She doesn't play golf.
I'm sorry, she? Yeah, her name is Julie.
She's the best person I met in a long time.
She was really there for me when Karen was sick.
I'm sorry, she? Yes, Beau.
She is a woman, and we really care about each other.
You're telling me that you prefer the company of women? I don't prefer the company of anyone.
Okay, we're back on the same page.
It's not that complicated, Beau, you know? We just don't need to put a label on it.
You know, we go out to eat, we see movies, we talk It's just like when you and I were together, only Julie and I go out to eat, see movies, and talk.
I just can be myself around her.
All right.
Well Hmm.
Is this the reason we got divorced? No.
We got divorced 'cause you were a stubborn jackass.
That is what you wrote on that form under "reason for divorce.
" You know, we're sorta at the same place in our lives.
We're both looking for someone to spend the rest of our days with.
I found Julie, and you found a woman who wouldn't listen to my warnings.
Yeah.
I'm not gonna lie I really don't understand this.
Look, I knew you wouldn't, that's why I wasn't gonna say anything.
You didn't let me finish.
I don't understand it, but it's also none of my business.
If you're happy that's all that matters to me.
Well that's surprisingly enlightened of you.
She is a vegetarian though.
Jesus.
You don't want me to hate her, do you? Hey! Hey.
Did you get my text? I made a squash and green pea casserole, a bunch of Peyton's baby food that was about to go bad.
Yeah, I'm not hungry.
For breakfast, I had Cheerios and day-old breast milk.
All right, well, bluff called.
I thought if I made something gross, that you would suggest we go to Taco Bell, but All right, whoa! Are you okay? On top of everything else going on, Luke's just leaving to Chicago.
- What? What are you talking about? - Yeah, his buddy Koosh come along and offered him a job at some custom car shop.
Really? Building custom cars, like The Fast and the Furious? [GASPS.]
Do you think he would put a nitrous button in our minivan? I mean, it'd be awesome, but I ain't gonna give him the satisfaction of asking him.
The job sounds like something Luke's gotta at least consider.
And would it make it easier if I asked about the nitrous button? Of course you're taking his side.
All right, come on.
When you wanted to go play football at Florida State, I could've guilted you into staying, but you had to follow your dreams.
Even if memories of those dreams were erased by concussions and binge drinking.
I mean, he wanted to be partners.
He made a commitment to this ranch.
Yeah, but life is not that simple, Colt.
Like, look at it from his perspective His perspective is bullshit! Why are you getting so upset? 'Cause I don't want him to fucking leave! Every time I try to do anything, it just falls apart.
Me and Rooster were gonna build Bennett Brothers Ranch.
Well he's gone.
Then Luke comes along and saves my ass, - and now - I know.
About broke my heart when we lost Rooster.
And it hurt even more seeing what it did to you, and it's Watching you with Luke, it's almost like old times, so Listen, I get it.
You think you'll lose him too, but just 'cause Luke takes a job somewhere else doesn't mean that he stops being family.
It just sucks.
[SIGHS.]
It was just starting to get fun, man.
The other day, we invented this game, fire darts.
It's like darts, except they're fucking on fire! No, I got it from the name.
"Fire darts.
" - It's a really good name.
- Okay.
It's gonna be hard without him.
But you gotta consider what's best for him.
I guess you're right.
No You don't have to guess, you know I am.
Jeez You're gonna be fine around here.
Your dad will help.
My dad ain't never gonna play fire darts.
Only game he likes to play is the quiet game.
He fucking always wins.
[LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
- Hey, Heather.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming over.
Been thinking a lot about you.
You doing okay? It's been tough but I'd be doing a lot worse if it weren't for you guys.
So what's up? I got your voicemail asking me to stop by, and then 23 other minutes of you yelling letters at the Wheel of Fortune.
If you have to guess R, S, T, L, N, E, you're falling right into their hands.
Hey.
- [MARY CHUCKLES.]
- Mom! Okay, calm down.
Come on, you've seen me out of jail before.
How did you get out? Beau put up my bail.
It was a little less than we thought.
They bought Jerry's self-defense argument, reduced it to manslaughter.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God.
Mr.
Bennett, are you sure? I once told you if you ever needed anything, I'd be there for you.
Don't you skip town, or I'm gonna have to live with Colt.
He said I could pay rent in hugs.
I'm not letting you go back to jail, Mom.
I'm turning myself in.
No, you're not.
Honey, you found a gun in my bag, 'cause I had already decided the next time he hit me was gonna be the last time.
All right? What you did, that was gonna happen anyway.
I'm still ready to deal with the consequences from that.
Yeah, but you didn't do it.
Jerry says I have a way better chance of getting off than you do.
Plus, I'm good at prison.
Last time I was in, I learned how to make a shiv out of a bed spring.
That shit's like riding a bike.
So what? I'm just supposed to be okay going on with my life, knowing you're locked up? Honey, I've been a shitty mother.
Okay, this is one small way I can try to make up for it.
You haven't been a shitty mother.
Yeah? Was I protecting you? Letting you grow up with Nick around? I stole from you.
I cost us our house.
You had to drop out of school because of me.
Mom No, I am still your mother, and I'm doing this.
You've still got a chance to make something of your life, and there is no way in hell I'm gonna take that from you, too.
I love you, Mom.
Honey, I love you.
You are the thing I am the most proud of in the whole world.
Oh, and I guess your fucking sister.
Mmm.
Serious question Who's got more money: Scrooge McDuck, or the Monopoly Man? I'm gonna go with Scrooge.
There's something about that Monopoly Man that I don't trust.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I heard you offered him a job? I did.
I think he'd be perfect for it.
You'd be lucky to have him.
I'm sorry, what? You're a good worker.
But I don't like how much you drink on the job.
It's not enough.
You make me feel like an alcoholic.
Where the fuck's this coming from? I thought I was a piece of shit for even considering this.
You're still a piece of shit.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
But it's your dream.
You always wanted to work on cars.
Go.
Always be a place here for you.
I did not see this coming.
Hey, before you get in your truck, you should know I switched the gear shifter.
R is now Drive or Neutral.
I was a little drunk.
You'll figure it out.
But thank you, man.
If you really wanna thank me, you'll rebuild me a '67 Corvette.
Oh, you could put nitrous in my minivan.
You owe me $40,000.
We'll call it even.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you doing here? Gettin' drunk before your road trip? That's smart.
PRO TIP: take a Gatorade bottle.
You won't have to stop to pee.
Uh, well, actually, I told Koosh I'm not gonna take the job.
You serious? Yeah, I can't leave here, man.
If I did, you'd be fucked.
No, I'd be fine.
No, you wouldn't.
You still told me I could go, so I appreciate that.
But I came to Garrison to find family.
I've done that, so why the hell would I go? Plus, I'm really getting the hang of ranching.
You're really not.
No, sorry, man.
You're not getting rid of me.
Sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
That's pretty good fucking news.
We're never gonna leave you, Colt.
I'm not buying you beer, Hank.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Shouldn't keep them guys waiting.
You crying? This is a big moment.
I just got my fire darts partner back.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey, guys.
So we've been talking.
[COLT.]
Look, before you say anything, I just wanna tell you guys something.
We're gonna go ahead and back out of the co-op.
I'm sorry, can I say something? That's news to everyone here but Colt, and I'm thinking maybe even Colt? It's gonna be okay, dude.
You guys still got a shot at this Outback deal.
You don't need our bad luck dragging you down.
You don't have to do this, Colt.
Yeah, we already voted to keep you guys in.
- Yeah.
- All right, and I appreciate that, but you guys are gonna be better off on your own.
- You sure about this? - [MOCKING.]
"You sure about this?" What the fuck? Oh, sorry, man, old habit.
We're gonna be fine, me and my partner.
Yeah, damn straight.
Who wants another round? That'd be great.
[MOCKING.]
"That'd be great.
" Who the fuck took my poster down again? You really think we're gonna be all right? No, man, we're totally fucked.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
We got a roof to keep the rain off A mailbox to write her name on A ten-acre lot with a little bird-dog On the front porch Guarding that screen door Bacon in the pancakes on the griddle Hand in hand right down the middle Life with a girl And a love that's the real McCoy Ain't bad for a good old boy