The Ranch (2016) s04e19 Episode Script

Dumb Effin' Luck

1 All right.
We need to go to the store.
We're almost out of beer.
What? There's a brand-new 12-pack in there.
Yeah, one 12-pack.
I feel like I'm coming down with something, and Coors is like God's cough syrup.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
Oh, here comes my ma.
Okay, let me do the talking.
Every time you have a secret or surprise, you just blurt it out, and it ruins everything.
That ain't true.
When you wanted me to see The Sixth Sense, you told me you wouldn't ruin the twist, and then you were like, "Bruce Willis is dead the whole time.
" The twist is he didn't know.
No, the twist is that we didn't know.
That's what I'm saying.
We're saying the same thing.
We almost never are.
- Hey.
- Hey, Ma, thanks for coming.
As you know, Peyton's getting baptized tomorrow.
We want you to be the godmother.
What the actual fuck? Look at that! I ruined the moment.
How's that for a fucking twist? Well, thank you.
You want me to be the godmother? But what about your mom? Won't she be upset? Yeah, that's the best part.
Look, we picked you, 'cause a godparent is responsible for a child's spiritual life, and you are the most spiritual person we know.
I mean, you're the only one in town who doesn't pretend to be sick when the Broncos have an 11 o'clock kick-off on Sundays.
We talked a lot about it.
We both agreed.
It was anonymous.
You know, sometimes when people ask me if I'm your mom, I'd like to be anonymous, but Let's just have a hug.
- Thank you, guys.
- It was actually an easy choice, 'cause the baptism's tomorrow, and we haven't heard back from Danica Patrick.
Yeah Well, thank you, I'm honored.
I know I haven't raced in the Indy 500, but at least I haven't dated Aaron fucking Rogers.
[KNOCKING.]
Hey, Janice.
Hi, Maggie.
- I brought you your mail.
- Oh, thank you.
I only checked, 'cause I thought my birthday card might have been returned for non-postage, but, nope still nothing even two weeks later.
I mean, you only turn 50 once.
Do you? We sent flowers.
I told Abby to get you the new Call of Duty.
Somebody should have it.
Thanks for bringing the dress, Mom.
Oh, that's adorable.
Abby, was it yours? No, it was mine.
It's been in the family for generations.
Abby couldn't fit into it.
She was a portly child.
But still cute, in your own way.
[ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Maggie's the godmother.
Oh.
Congratulations.
I'm so happy.
Colt, where's the wine? Mom, it's 11:00 a.
m.
I'm sorry, did you think I said, "What time is it?" Shit.
What's the matter? Lisa Neumann's suing me, for causing a trich outbreak in her herd.
Blaming me for the death of 500 head.
What? How much would that even be? Five hundred cows, they each cost, like fifteen hundred to two thousand dollars.
So, we're talkin' I mean, it's a lot of money.
Jesus Christ, she's trying to put you out of business.
[CORK POPS.]
Couldn't find wine, but who wants champagne? [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys It just don't make any sense.
The Hulk breaks out of his shirt, why wouldn't he break out of his pants and his underwears? I mean, plus, if he's naked when he says "Hulk smash!", you don't know what he's gonna use.
Okay, but you got no problem with the Jolly Green Giant? I mean, he is basically wearing a miniskirt and that fabric's covering up his junk.
I'll tell you who's not jolly: his wife.
Where the fuck is Jerry? We got a ton of shit to do.
Before the baptism, we gotta break up the ice in the troughs, we gotta lay out some hay, gotta go get mani-pedis before the family pictures Baptism, huh? If you see Father McGinty, tell him his brother said hi.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I've been dealing with this hit-and-run case.
The good news: looks like I'm gonna get away with it.
Jerry, did you get a chance to look at that Lisa Neumann lawsuit? Yeah, Lisa Neumann has a really good case.
She has proved that her bull is clean, and her whole herd is disease-free.
Yeah, well, our cows are clean too.
Yeah, but do you have any records for your herd? No, all the Peterson records burned in a fire.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I get it.
I had a whole storage unit that was filled with files, and it all "burned in a fire.
" No, our records actually burned in a wildfire last year.
That's good.
Practice that with your hand on a Bible.
Lisa has the records, and you guys acknowledge that her bull wandered onto your land, and this trich outbreak started.
And also, and this should not be discounted, she has way better lawyers.
You know, I bet not one of them went to law school in South America.
I thought you said you went to Columbia? Yep! University of Bogota.
Jerry, what are we supposed to do? Well, given what she's asking for damages, and how long it would take to litigate I would settle.
No, come on, she ain't gonna settle.
She wants to put me out of business.
[SIGHS.]
I wish I had better news for you.
Well, amigos, it would appear we've only got one card left to play.
I have to seduce Lisa Neumann.
I'm gonna need some bubbly, some Bublé, and a little blue pill for my Jolly Green Giant.
Next time, I'm flying.
That was the worst bus ride I've ever been on.
The man next to me never said a word, but his stupid emotional support parakeet never shut the fuck up.
Now you know why I like to hunt birds.
I'm just glad you're home.
- I missed you.
- I missed you.
Oh, and the people on the bus all cheered when I opened the window, and the parakeet got sucked out.
Listen, I know you're tired, but there's some open houses we can check out today.
We can skip the one that says "perfect for entertaining.
" Well, actually there's something I wanna run by you.
My daughter wants to open her own business.
She's looking at a Yogurtland.
What the fuck is a Yogurtland? It's a frozen yogurt franchise.
Okay, what the fuck is frozen yogurt? It's a healthy version of ice cream.
They got non-fat, sugar-free, dairy-free flavors.
It's kinda like a Dairy Queen, the way Canada's kinda like America.
Well, I won't step foot in either one of 'em.
Actually, these franchises do pretty well, and it'd be a really good opportunity for her.
She just needs the startup money.
We really haven't got the money to spare.
Well, after we get Mary's bail money back, I was hoping we could give it to Samantha.
Oh.
I know it's a lot to ask, but she's doing real well.
She's been sober for almost a year now, and this is the first time she's ever taken any initiative, at least since she went out to buy a chemistry book, so she could learn how to cook meth.
I'd like to help Samantha, but that's supposed to be our down payment on a new house.
You were okay giving the money to Mary.
Hell, you gave up Iron River so Colt could have his ranch.
Now I want to help my daughter, why is that different? Colt had a dream that he committed his life to.
He's worked his ass off, made sacrifices.
He deserves it.
Don't you tell Colt I ever said that.
No, I I get it.
My daughter doesn't deserve our help.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just not comfortable giving her all that money.
Well, I'm glad to know you're comfortable giving money to your family, but not mine.
I knew helping my son was gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey! Are you almost done? We gotta be at the church soon, and I don't wanna hear it from my mom.
"Oh great, Peyton's late for God.
" I've got a ton of shit to do, and fucking Luke didn't show up today.
Just sent me a text, said, "Something came up, I'm not coming.
" He better be plowing Lisa Neumann.
I'm sorry, what? It don't matter, it's just a legal thing.
I can't count on the guy for anything.
Such a fucking flake.
All right, look, I'm sorry that he bailed, but Peyton's baptism is, like, in an hour.
Can't this stuff wait until tomorrow? Babe, I had to do all my work, now I gotta finish all the stuff Luke was gonna do.
Why don't you just go ahead, and then I'll meet you there as soon as I'm done? All right.
Just hurry.
Yeah, I will.
I'm sacrificing my mani-pedi.
- You can put your hands in the pockets - I know how to hide bad cuticles, Abby.
Hey, Dale.
Hey.
Charlene wanted me to drop off this gift.
It's for Peyton's baptism.
It's a Captain Marvel doll.
Who in the fuck is Captain Marvel? One of the Avengers.
Oh, that clears it up.
I had three toys when I was growing up.
A stick until I was five.
Then I got a GI Joe.
And after I broke that, I got another stick.
Is that the stick that's always stuck up your ass? Have you ever heard of Yogurtland? Well, sure.
But, given the choice, I'm more of a boba man, myself.
Joanne wants to give the money we've saved for our down payment to her daughter, so she can open a Yogurtland.
What's your problem with that? Her daughter isn't the most reliable person in the world.
Up until a year ago, she was a drug addict.
And the closest thing she's ever had to a steady job is stealing people's pets, and returning them for the reward money.
It sounds like she's trying to turn her life around.
Maybe giving her that money would make all the difference.
Yeah.
I know Joanne worried about her granddaughter.
So, what's the problem? Honestly? If I give her this money, I'm living the rest of my life in Colt's guest room.
He wants to go in "halfsies" on a pizza oven.
If I do, I'm getting one big enough to climb in.
You think I'm where I wanna be? Nah.
Should be retired, but as it is, I'm just a few lost clients away from saying, "I'm Dale.
Welcome to Walmart.
" They're getting rid of their greeters.
Fuck you, Beau.
No, I'm still working, because my daughter wanted to go back to college.
That's what you do for family.
And Joanne's family is your family.
Yeah.
I hear you.
Lookee here.
If Colt drives you crazy, you can always move in with me.
Oh, sure, you can answer the door and say, "Hi, I'm Dale.
Welcome to Hell.
" [LAUGHING.]
Hey.
[ABBY.]
Please tell me you're on the way to church.
[COW MOOS.]
Please tell me there's a cow in your truck.
- Babe, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
- [ABBY.]
What? Are you fucking kidding me? Sorry, Father.
I found a heifer in labor.
So, why do you have to be there? Well, 'cause the heater in the barn is busted.
So, with as cold as it is out, that embryonic sac could freeze, and then the calf could suffocate.
Well, this sucks, Colt.
[COLT.]
Yeah, I know, trust me, I wanna be there, I just We can't afford to lose another calf.
All right, I get it.
Well, if anything changes, we'll be here.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Just take lots of pictures, okay? I will.
God damn it! Father, give me some fricking space! Colt's not gonna make it.
- What? - I'm not gonna point it out, but the godmother's own son isn't gonna make it.
Oops, I guess I did.
Colt is under a lot of pressure.
I don't wanna make him feel bad.
I do.
We got time.
I'll see what I can do.
[PEYTON WHINING.]
One way to make Colt leave a place: send Beau in, huh? Yeah.
Tell him Father McGinty has the new Call of Duty.
And now, the ex-husband of the godmother is gone.
Hmm.
You'd think divorce would be a red flag when naming a godparent.
Mom, you're not helping, and it's not like Dad's here.
Oh, you know he wanted to be here.
He has food poisoning.
If you're thinking about going to the Long John Silver's in the outlet mall, I'd wait till after Shrimp Fest.
You okay, sweetie? Not really.
What are the odds that Colt gets an emergency at the exact same time as the baptism? Honestly? Pretty good.
It's part of being a rancher.
Look, these things are gonna come up, you know? Shit like this happens all the time Father, you either have to stay away, or put on one of those incense balls, so we can smell you coming.
The important part is that you and Colt are on the same page.
Yeah, I think we are.
That's good.
Because over time, these are the things that'll test you.
I don't think I fully understood that when I married Beau.
Yeah, maybe I didn't either.
Guess who found the blood of Christ? - Hey.
- [COW MOOING.]
Hey.
What are you doing here? How far along is she? She's dilated, having contractions.
Trying to speed it up by playing "Push It Real Good," but she didn't take Salt or Pepa's advice.
It could still be hours.
You could make it to that baptism and come back.
When Maggie was in labor with you, I stepped out for an entire Chiefs-Broncos game.
At least the Broncos delivered a winner that day.
That's, like, the meanest thing you ever said to me.
Look, I can't take that chance.
Already lost five calves to trich.
Where's Luke? He's a fucking no-show! Colt, this is Peyton's baptism.
[STAMMERS.]
Trust me, I know.
I wanna be there, I just I don't have a choice! Yes, you do! Your whole family's at that church.
Don't be a goddamned idiot! I already talked to Abby about this, she said it was fine.
Now I gotta answer to you, too? Do what you wanna do.
But I'm not missing it - because you're being a stubborn jackass.
- Nobody's asking you to! But I got shit to do.
Are we done? We're done.
May Almighty God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - bless you.
- [ALL.]
Amen.
Thank you, Father.
We'll take some pictures, - and then we'll be outta here.
- You take all the time you want.
And, Janice, I'm sorry to tell you, we don't have the blood of Christ in a white.
Mom, can you come up here, so I can take a picture of Maggie and you holding Peyton? Oh.
The caption can be, "Peyton with godmother and local woman.
" Look, she's looking at her reflection in the water.
It's just like Colt is here.
Get together.
That was a beautiful service.
Colt should've been here.
Yeah, well if he can Photoshop himself onto a box of Wheaties, I'm sure he could put himself into some of these pictures.
I still don't understand why he'd put his face on Mary Lou Retton's body.
[LAUGHS.]
Listen, about Samantha, I think we should give her the money to open up that Beef Jerky Land.
It's Yogurtland.
Let me do what I gotta do to feel good about it.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
The past is the past.
She's just trying to do right by herself and her daughter.
If we can help her, we should.
Thank you, Beau.
She's gonna be so happy.
And I'm sure we'll get all the free yogurt that we want.
Oh, goody.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for frozen yogurt.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [LUKE.]
Ow! Jesus! Stupid place for a dresser.
'Sup, Bennetts? We get the Satan out of that baby? Luke? Are you drunk? No, but the guy who parked my El Camino on the sidewalk is shitfaced.
[LAUGHING.]
- You doing okay? - Yeah, I didn't want to miss the baptism of my dad's brother's kid's kid.
Holy shit, is this guy dressed up! Look at him! Whoo! What do you say we go outside? No, I'm I wanna watch this baptism, where they pour a little water on the kid's head, and everything's gonna be fine Well, bad news, Peyton! It's not.
The world is a goddamn shitshow! Sorry brother, a GD shitshow.
[BEAU.]
Come on, let's get some air.
Don't touch me! Take it easy, son.
I'm not your son! Okay, everybody just stop.
Luke, you're coming with me.
No.
No, I'm not.
I'm not asking.
We're leaving.
And if you throw up in my car, the next candle they light in here will be for you.
Yes, ma'am.
And you were worried about me getting drunk.
All right.
- Here, drink this.
- Thank you.
Could you put in two sugars, and a can of beer? - [KNOCKING.]
- Oh! - Hey.
- [LUKE.]
Hey, look who's here! Why didn't you tell her to bring Arby's? I'm glad you're here, maybe he'll talk to you.
Don't burn the place down.
Actually, I have insurance, so do whatever the fuck you want.
- How you feeling? - You [BELCHES.]
wanna have sex? I'll pass.
Come on, what's going on? Nothing.
Did I make you talk about your drug thing every time we saw each other? Yeah, every single fucking time we saw each other, and it was really annoying.
Come on, you helped me out, a lot.
Let me help you.
What are you afraid of? You think you're gonna say something I haven't fucking heard in rehab? "Lydia meth took your teeth, but it can't take your smile.
" My My army buddy, Koosh, came down a couple weeks ago, and offered me my dream job at his car shop in Chicago.
So, what, you wish you'd taken it? I'm sure you could just call him.
His wife called me yesterday.
Told me he killed himself.
Oh.
God, I'm so sorry.
He was, like, my best friend in the army.
So good seeing him.
I thought we had a great time.
I just had no idea.
No, I mean you never know what kind of demons people are dealing with, you know? Well, I do, Mary, I got the same fucking ones! This guy had it made, though.
He had everything.
He had a career, kids, wife If he can't make it, I don't have a fucking shot.
Okay.
Luke, you gotta talk to somebody.
Seriously.
No, I'm not gonna go talk to somebody.
You have been dealing with this shit since I met you! And now, with your friend, I mean, come on! You gotta talk to somebody, or you're gonna end up just like him.
- No, I'm fine.
- No, stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
All right, you said you didn't want to see me die.
I cannot I don't want anything to happen to you.
I'm so fucking lost.
We're gonna figure this out, okay? We'll figure it out.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [COLT SIGHS.]
Hey.
How's your heifer? She's great.
Got a healthy calf, too.
Good thing I was there, though.
Well, I'm glad.
Baptism was nice, till Luke showed up drunk, and called Father McGinty a punk bitch.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Yeah, Abby recorded it.
Already sent it in to America's Funniest Home Videos.
Well, I'm beat.
Good night.
Can I talk to you a second? You gonna be mean? Of course not.
What the fuck kind of question is that? I wanna show you something.
Whatcha got? These are our family's first Bronco game.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Rooster made me paint my face orange.
He did it with a permanent marker.
Joke's on him, though.
I got a whole week off of school for blood poisoning.
Here's your first 4-H ribbon.
Elementary school graduation.
Yeah.
When they handed me my diploma, it said, "See you again next year.
" So what are we doing here? You know what all these pictures have in common? Yeah, you yelled at the guy at Safeway, 'cause it took them longer than an hour to print.
If you need one hour and 15 minutes, then call your business "One Hour and 15 Minutes Photo.
" I'm not in any of these pictures.
This whole book is full of moments that I missed, 'cause I was too busy working on the ranch.
This about the baptism? I mean, you know I had an emergency to deal with.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure I missed being in all these pictures because I had an emergency to deal with.
But how important could they have been, when I can't remember a single fucking one of them? You were a good dad.
You were working so we got to have all them moments.
Bullshit.
I made a choice.
And you could've made another choice today.
Yeah, you might've lost a calf.
But you would never regret going to your daughter's baptism.
Take it from someone who has more than his fair share of regrets.
I hear you.
You know, a really good father'd probably give me a hug right now.
Not gonna happen.
You sure? I don't want you to regret this.
I won't.
You're a good dad.
- Hey.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up.
No, I'm glad you did, I was trying to stay up to see you.
I didn't think I was gonna be this late.
Sorry I didn't make it today.
Should've been there.
Told you, it's fine.
I know, I just I don't wanna miss moments like these, you know? Birthdays, holidays, graduations second graduations [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Yeah, well hopefully you won't.
Well, that's the thing.
Being a rancher means I might.
[MOANS.]
It's a tough life, babe.
[ABBY.]
Hmm.
On top of that, we got this Lisa Neumann lawsuit hanging over our heads.
Yeah.
[COLT SIGHS.]
Maybe we should just sell her the ranch.
What? We could buy a small house.
[ABBY SCOFFS.]
I could get a job working for your dad, coaching football or something.
Are you kidding? No, no way.
Something that won't take me away from you guys so much.
Come on.
Colt, stop.
I mean, we've been talking about raising a family at a ranch since we were kids.
This is the life that I want, okay? I'm not just gonna fucking give up.
My dad thinks I'm turning into him.
Hmm.
I don't wanna miss Peyton's life 'cause I can't let things go on the ranch.
Okay, well, yesterday you took an hour in the middle of the day to play hide and seek with Peyton.
You think your dad would have done that? Well, he played "hide" with me.
[LAUGHING.]
He never seeked.
Being a rancher doesn't mean you gotta be a bad dad.
I know you'll always make time for me and Peyton, no matter what comes up.
How do you know? 'Cause I'm gonna fucking make you.
[COLT LAUGHS.]
- Okay? - Okay, all right.
We're not gonna sell the ranch, okay? We can do this.
You sure? Fuck yeah! [LAUGHING.]
- [COLT.]
I love you.
- [ABBY.]
Love you.
[PEYTON CRYING.]
Oh, look at that! Time for Daddy to spend some quality time with his daughter.
Mama's going back to sleep.
Go on, now.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
You're in the front seat Running the station Anything to keep That subwoofer shakin' 17, Saturday night education The global laws We didn't know we were breakin' Still take them back-road turns We were takin' I think about all the time That we wasted Here I am every night, still chasing The memories we didn't know We were makin'