The Return of Jezebel James (2008) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Buddy: Sarah Tompkins Books.
Why Am I Dressed Like This? You Haven't Left Yet? I Had A Post-It On My Mirror Saying, "Don't Show Leg On Tuesday," And I'm Wondering, Who Am I Not Showing Leg To? Well, You Have A Marketing Meeting At 10:00.
They Like Leg.
Art Department At 11:00.
Leg Is Fine.
Lunch With Chip.
Leg's A Plus.
Librarian's Association At 4:00.
Ding Ding Ding! See You In 20 Minutes.
Bye! Oh, Short.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Adam Pitzer.
I Live Across The Street.
I'm Collecting Money For Our School's New Baseball Uniforms? Oh, Sure.
What Are People Giving? 50 Bucks.
50 Bucks? Do They Come With A Matching Tote? We Stopped Using Sweatshops.
Ah, Okay.
I'll Be Out In A Sec.
My Mom Told Me You Write Kids Books.
Oh, No, I Don't Write Kids Books.
I Edit Kids Books.
It's A Very Different Job.
Hard To Explain.
She Said You Wrote "Brambles Mcgee.
" Well, Again, I Didn't Write "Brambles Mcgee.
" I Edited "Brambles Mcgee.
" How Come You Made Brambles Die? Oh, See, I Didn't Make Him Die.
I Made Him Die Quicker.
And With A Fancier Font.
How About I Just Write You A Check? My Mom Said The Man Who Lived Here With You Left.
Wow, Your Mom Sounds Fun.
Did He Take Your Couch? "Pitzer" - P- I-T-Z-E-R, Right? Is He Coming Back? I Certainly Hope Not.
I Finally Got The Place To Smell Entirely Like Vanilla.
How Long Did - Eight Months Ago.
There Was No One Else Involved, And I Did Not Make Him Gay.
Enjoy Your Uniforms, Love To Mom, Bye-Bye.
The return of Jezebel James S01E01 Pilot Barnes & Noble Hates The "Jezebel James" Cover.
Or, "Good Morning, Sarah.
" Good Morning, Sarah.
How Was My Train Ride? How Was Your Train Ride? Very Pleasant.
Thank You.
What A Lovely Way To Start The Day.
Go Ahead.
Barnes & Noble Hates The "Jezebel James" Cover.
They Say It's Too Dark, Too Adult, And Will Scare The Moms.
Turn Right! Art Department's Marked Three More Choices.
They Need Your Notes By Noon If We're Gonna Make Our Strike Date.
Coffee, Please - Low-Fat Milk.
Smell It First.
Got It.
Morning, Molly.
Yeah.
I Had To Bring My Granddaughter In Again Today.
Zoe's Here? Great.
I Stuck Her At Your Boy's Desk.
If She Bugs You, Kick Her Out.
She Should Know The Subways By Now.
Hi, Molly.
Who Are You? Sarah's Assistant.
Did You Used To Be Fat? No.
Well, Then, Who The Hell's That Fat Kid Walking Around Here? She Thought I Was Dave.
Dave's Enormous! Oh, Look, I Need You To Make Me A Reservation For Tonight For Two At Blue Hill, 9:00.
Great.
And Who Will You Be Dining With? Another Person.
Whose Name Is? Doesn't Matter.
But I Need It For My Records.
No, You Don't.
Yes, I - Oh, I Get It.
It's The Mystery Man Again.
That's The Third Time This Week.
Getting Serious.
No, I'm Not Getting Serious.
I'm Never Getting Serious.
This Relationship Is About Nice Dinners, Fancy Drinks, And Sex - That's It.
We Don't Talk About Our Lives, We Don't Meet Friends Or Family.
It's Simple, It's Clean, And, Frankly Marcus - Marcus! Ha! Got A Name.
What's The Story, Morning Glory? What's The Word, Hummingbird? Just Forwarding My Calls, Yosemite Balls.
I Had No Choice, Buddy.
Oh, Yes.
So Helpless.
That One's Dying Alone.
Hey, Did You Get A Chance To Read "Jezebel James"? Yep.
And? It's Even Better Than The First One.
Really? Jezebel Is Absolutely The Best Character Ever.
At The End, When She Runs Off To That Carnival In Pennsylvania - Now I Totally Want To Go To Scranton! Well, What Girl Wouldn't? Hey, You Free For Lunch? You Buying? Unless You Finally Found A Market For Your Mrs.
Jack Sparrow Notebook Doodles, Yes, I'm Buying.
Buddy: Cellphone's Ringing! Thank You.
I Have A Girlfriend.
Let's See A Picture.
This Is Sarah.
Sarah, Great.
How Big Is Your Living Room? I- I Don't Know, Dad.
Oh, It Doesn't Matter.
We'll Just Make It Work.
We'll Make What Work, Dad? I Found You A D What? Wher On The Corner Of, Uh, 23rd And 7th.
Like, Literally On The Corner? I'm Walking By And Some Kids Are Just Throwing It Out.
Perfectly Good Couch.
Just Needs A Couple Of Springs, Some New Fabric, Little Stuffing, Pillows, A Back.
Dad, I Don't Want The Couch.
Give Me One Week.
You'll Think Brooke Astor's Kids Sold It Out From Under Her.
I'm Sure, But I Don't Need It.
You Don't Need It? I Don't Need It.
So, Matt Came Back? Ah, Here We Go.
He Came Back, He Brought The Couch Back, He Moved Back In, You're Back Together.
No, Matt Did Not Come Back.
So You Still Don't Have A Couch.
No, I Don't, But I Will Get One Soon.
What About A Husband? Gonna Get One Of Those Soon? Oh, Hey, Beatrix Potter's On The Other Line.
I Don't Understand What Happened With You Guys.
You Were Together - What - 9, 10 Years? You Don't Marry Him, You Don't Have Child- Don't You Want Children? Of Course, Eventually.
And Now You're In Your Late - Mid.
30s.
You Have No Idea Where The Next Man Is Coming From.
And When You Do Find Him, You're Gonna Wait Another 10 Years? Because By Then, You'll Be In Your Late - Mid! 40s And, Physically, That Is Too Old To Have Kids.
Never Mind.
Want The Couch? Sure, Dad, A Couch Will Be Great.
See You Next Week.
Call Your Mother.
Don't Tell Her I Told You.
That Starts A Whole Thing.
Hey! Hey, Kid! That, Uh, Space Heater Still Work? Don't.
Sorry.
It Was Just Calling Me.
It's So Perfect.
It's Like A Perfect Half-A-Circle.
Did You Do Something To Get It Like That? Yes.
I Forgot To Put My Diaphragm In.
Sarah Tompkins? Right Here.
Boy, That Woman Out There Is Huge And Mad.
Being Pregnant Will Do That To You.
Well, Sign Me Up.
Seriously, I Am Ready.
Ever Since I Decided To Do This, I've Been So Energized.
Sarah, Hold On A Sec- I Know.
I Need To Find A Donor.
I Just Can't Decide.
Someone I Know, Someone I Don't.
Someone I Know Could Be Fun 'Cause Then I'll See How Little Junior's Gonna Look When He Grows Up.
Although Someone I Don't Could Be Nice 'Cause It'd Be Kind Of Like A Game Show.
Are You Gonna Get Antonio Banderas Or Clint Howard? Sarah.
You'll Love Them Both The Same, But You Might Want To Light The Christmas-Card Picture A Little Darker.
No! Sarah! You're Not Going To Be Able To Get Pregnant.
You Have Something Called Asherman's Syndrome.
It's The Formation Of Intrauterine Adhesions.
Now, In Some Cases, It Can Be Reversed With Surgery, But In Your Case, It Can't.
It Means You Can't Conceive.
Conceive What? Conceive A Child.
Are You Telling Me I Can't Get Pregnant? Yes.
No.
I Can Get Pregnant.
Sarah.
I Can! Look, In High School, I Really Wanted To Be A Cheerleader, Okay? But I Couldn't Do A Cartwheel.
And To Be A Cheerleader, You Had To Do A Cartwheel.
So One Day, I Went Out Into The Backyard, And I Told Myself, "I'm Not Going Back In Until I Can Do A Cartwheel Perfectly Both Ways.
" I Was Back By Dinner.
This Isn't A Cartwheel.
Cartwheels Are Hard.
I Wish I Could Offer You A Solution.
Can I Talk To This Guy Asherman? Maybe I Can Change His Mind.
Look, Sarah, There Are Other Options, Like Adoption.
Adoption, Yeah.
I Don't Know.
I Don't Think I'm The Adoption Type.
Get A Little Freaked Out When Strangers Use My Bathroom, You Know? They Won't Look Like My Mother, Which Will Definitely Be An Issue At Some Point.
What If It Grows Up And Tries To Kill Me? I Mean, I Kind Of Asked For It, Right? You Know, You Don't Have To Make A Decision Right Now.
Why Don't I Give You Some Literature To Look Over When You Feel Like It? Yeah, Okay.
Thanks.
I Can't Conceive, I Have Homework, And You Don't Validate.
Super.
So, I Got A Breakfast Meeting In The Morning, My Partner's In Los Angeles Till Thursday, And My Assistant's Out Of Town, Which Means There's No One To Witness How Incredibly Late I'm Gonna Drag Myself Into The Office Tomorrow.
Now, With All That Information Floating In The Air, Can I Get You A Nightcap? Sarah? Sorry, My Shoe Came Off In The Elevator.
Gah, Shoot! I'd Like To Think It's My Irresistible Animal Magnetism That's Making You All Flustered Tonight, So I Will.
What? What About Magnets? Uh, Nothing.
Huh.
You Know, It's Just Gonna Come Off In A Minute Anyway.
Oh, Well, That Explains A Lot.
Sarah? Yeah? Well, You Didn't Say Anything At Dinner, You Didn't Eat Anything At Dinner, And Apparently You've Been Wearing Your Shoes On The Wrong Feet All Night.
So? So, I Was Just Wondering If There's Something Wrong.
Marcus, We Agreed.
We Don't Ask If There's Something Wrong.
I Know.
I Just Thought Maybe Something Happened At Work.
We Don't Talk About Our Work.
Yeah, But - We Don't Talk About Our Work, Our Personal Lives, Or Our Families.
No, I Know.
Those Are The Rules.
And They Are Good Rules.
And I'm Sticking To The Rules.
Okay.
You Just Seem Distracted Tonight.
Distracted? Well, That's Just Wrong.
I Mean, Here I Am All Alone With You.
What On Earth Could Be On My Mind Except For Carnal, Naughty, Catholic-Schoolgirl-Uniform Kind Of Thoughts? You Brought The Uniform? I Thought That Was My Christmas Present.
I'm Sorry, I'm Fine! You Don't Seem Fine.
I'll Be Fine.
Sarah, Is There Something Wrong? We Don't Ask If There's Something Wrong! But You're Just Sitting There.
Ignore Me.
Oh, God, Why Am I Doing This Now, Here? I Don't Know.
I Don't Get To Ask.
I Should Have Done This At The Doctor's Office, Where There Are Sedatives And Kleenex Boxes.
Why Don't You Have Any Kleenex Boxes? Why Would I Need Kleenex Boxes? In Case You Sneeze.
Don't You Sneeze? Yes, I Sneeze.
What Do You Do When You Sneeze? Well, I Have A Box Under The Sink.
You Have To Go All The Way In The Bathroom To Root Under The Sink Every Time You Sneeze? That's Insane.
That's Insane? Maybe I Should Just Take You Home.
No! I'm Here To Have Sex With You.
We Can Do It Another Night.
Oh, Hey, I've Had About Enough Of Other People Telling Me What I Can And Cannot Do! You Hear Me? Look, Sarah, I-I Don't Really Know What I'm Supposed To Do.
I Mean, If You Want To Talk - Do You Want To Talk? No, I Never Want To Talk.
Okay, No Talking! We Have An Agreement! No Drama, No Emotions, Just Sex, And We Are Sticking To That.
Now, Just Give Me 30 Seconds To Collect Myself, And I'll Be Fine.
Just Forget It.
The Lights Will Be Off Anyway.
You Won't Be Able To Tell.
I Am Oddly And Disturbingly Aroused Right Now.
More Coffee? Uh, Yes, But In A New Cup, Please.
I Think There's Something In This One.
There Were Air Bubbles Coming Up A Minute Ago.
They're Gone Now, So Yes, A Moment Of Silence Does Seem Appropriate.
Give Him A Proper Burial, Would Ya? Okay.
Really? Hmm? What Are You Doing? What Are You Doing? I'm Supposed To Be Meeting My Sister.
She Told Me To Meet Her Here At This Place.
I Wanted To Meet Her At The St.
Regis With Their Good Bar Nuts And Plentiful Cleaning Products.
The Last Time I Had Lunch At The St.
Regis, I Ended Up In Rehab In San Diego.
Mom's Idea.
Just Following Orders? Didn't Hold Up In Nuremberg.
You Ordering? Uh, Yes.
I'll Have An Egg-White Omelet, Dry, Low-Fat Cheese, And An Onion Bagel, Scooped.
No? Uh, How About Toast And A Tetanus Shot? We've Got Toast.
Terrific.
You? Grilled Cheese, Extra Cheese.
I Wouldn't Order Anything Here That Requires Refrigeration.
Get Toast.
I Don't Want Toast.
Toast Might Save Your Life.
Why Are You Whispering? He's Closer To You Than I Am.
Wait, Are - Are You Guys Together? Yes.
No.
We're Debating.
Okay, That's Not My Section.
Two Orders Of Toast.
I'll Just Wing It At Her.
Oh, Coco, This Is Silly.
Come Sit With Me.
First Tell Me Why I'm Here.
Come Sit And I'll Tell You.
Tell Me And I'll Come Sit.
I Haven't Seen You In A While, And I Thought It Would Be Nice To Catch Up, And To Do It Here In A Petri Dish - Icing On The Cake.
You Said I Could Pick The Place.
I Would Have Come To Your House.
There Is No Way You Are Coming Over To Any Place I Live Ever Again.
You're Overreacting.
You Had Me Evicted! No, I Simply Made A Call To See If It Was Legal For A Person To Be Living In A Chinese Restaurant.
I Was Living Above A Chinese Restaurant.
You Were Sleeping On A Shelf Over The Noodle Station.
Even In New York, That Is Not Considered A Loft.
Hey, I Got Free Egg Rolls And Picked Up Some Conversational Mandarin.
So, You Happy With Your Place Now? I'm Crashing On A Friend's Couch.
Well, That Could Be Nice.
Whatever.
That's Why We're Meeting Here.
Now, Why Are We Meeting At All? Excuse Me.
Not My Section.
Okay.
I Need A Favor.
From Me? Yes.
You've Never Needed A Favor From Me.
Well, Now I Do.
Wow.
What Is It? Uh, Okay, Let's See, How Can I Put This? It's Delicate.
Uh, Coco I Need Your Uterus.
What? I Mean, You Can Keep It In Your, You Know, There, Where It Belongs.
I Would Just Like To Borrow It For A Few Months.
What The Hell Are You Talking Abou Well, As You Know, I've Always Wanted A Family.
No, I Didn't Know That.
Yes, You Knew I Wanted A Family.
How Would I Know That? What Do You Mean? I've Always Said That.
To Who? To Whoever I Was Talking To.
And When Was Whoever You Were Talking To Me? Anyhow I've Always Wanted A Family, And I Think That Now Is The Right Time For Me To Have That Family That I've Always Wanted, So I Would Like You To Carry My Baby For Me.
You're Absorbing.
I'll Continue.
I Would Pay You, Of Course.
It Would Be Like A Job Like The Time You Sold Lemonade To The Neighbors? I Know What A Job Is, Sarah.
It Would Be My Egg That Gets Fertilized, So You Could Keep Yours, And The Sperm Would Come From A Donor To Be Named Later.
Now, The Only Condition I Would Impose Is That You Would Have To Move Into My House For The Length Of The Pregnancy So I Can Make Sure The Baby Doesn't Come Out With Two Heads And The Words "Aged In Oak Barrel" Stamped On It.
I Have A Lovely Guest Room For You - A Big Bathroom, A Walk-In Closet.
You Might Enjoy It.
I'm Sorry, Did You Say I Might Enjoy It? There's Maid Service.
Enjoy Being Knocked Up With Your Baby, Like I'm An Incubator? An Incubator With Tivo.
So, I'll Get Pregnant - Pregnant - As In A Living Being Will Be Growing Inside Of Me, Like "Alien.
" Not Exactly Like "Alien.
" It Will Have A Different Exit Strategy.
So, I'll Have All The Morning Sickness, I'll Get Fat, I'll Have To Go Through Hours Of Pain And Screaming And Sweating And Stretch Marks, And I Don't Even Get To Get Laid First? You Really Know How To Drain The Sexy Out Of Things.
No.
Oh, Coco, Just Think About It.
You Know, It's Almost A Year Since I Hear From You, And When I Do, It's To Take Part In Some Crazy Medical Experiment? Like My Life Is So Crappy That Of Course Something Like This Has Got To Be An Improvement? Oh, Please, Like You've Been Ringing My Phone Off The Hook? I Didn't Even Have An Address For You.
Three Years Ago At Christmas, You Wouldn't Let Me Use Your Car For 10 Minutes To Go Buy Cranberry Sauce! Now, All Of A Sudden, You're Gonna Let Me Carry Your Kid Inside Me For A Year? Well, It Was A Lexus, And You Are Not The Best Driver! But I'd Be A Good Mother?! You Wouldn't Be The Mother! I Would Be! Then You Have The Baby! I Can't Have The Baby, Coco! Who Says You Can't Have The Baby? Asherman.
He's Got This Syndrome.
I Don't Understand.
I'm Broken.
My Insides Aren't Working Properly.
I Had The Test.
The Doctor Said That I Can't.
Did You Tell Him About The Cartwheels? It Doesn't Matter.
But Cartwheels Are Hard.
She Doesn't Care About The Cartwheels.
She Told Me To Adopt.
Right.
Like You're Gonna Let A Stranger Use Your Bathroom.
Anyway, I Just Got It In My Head That We're Blood, You And Me.
I Know We're Not Close, But We're Still Sisters.
And I Thought That If You Had The Baby, It Would Be A Little Like Me Having It Also.
It's Crazy.
This Is Stupid.
I'm Sorry I Mentioned It.
Just Forget I Said Anything.
I Should Go.
Thanks For Meeting Me Here.
Do You Need Money? Of Course You Need Money.
I'll Give You Some Money.
There's Got To Be A Wallet In Here Somewhere.
What's This? That's Just One Of My Books.
"True Adventures Of Jezebel James.
" Jezebel James? Isn't That - Your Imaginary Friend, Yeah.
She Wrote A Book? No, Honey.
She's Imaginary.
But How Is She A Book? I Made Her A Book.
I Wanted To Do Something About A Teen Heroine - Strong-Willed, Independent - Pippi With A Blackberry.
You Wrote It? No, I Didn't, But I Found A Writer, And I Worked With Her To Make Sure That The Heroine Came Across Like The Real Jezebel - The Real Fake Jezebel - Your Jezebel.
I'm Surprised You Even Remember Her.
Are You Kidding? She Ate My Birth Control Pills Three Months In A Row.
Yes.
She Told Me About That.
God, You Really Want A Kid That Bad? Uh I Don't Know.
I Thought I Did, But I'll Figure Something Out.
I Always Do.
So, Not In The Booths Anymore? No, We're Actually Done Here.
It Was Good Seeing You.
You Look Good.
I Was Just Asking.
The Table Is Totally In My Section.
Ferlinghetti's Sick.
You Have To Share Tonight.
Okay, So, Not To Panic You, But We've Missed Three Deadlines To Pick The New Cover, And We're About To Miss The Fourth One, And If We Do - What? What? The World's Gonna Come To An End? No, But Al In The Print Department Said Something About Putting My Boys In A Vise, And Since I Don't Have Sons, My Mind Goes To A Very Dark Place.
So, Buddy, Did You Bother To Order Any Pizza With This Grease? I Mean, They Could Have At Least Thrown In A Straw Or A Defibrillator Or A Baboon Heart.
Ugh! Forget It.
I'm Just Too Emotional To Eat Pizza.
Yes, You Really Do Need To Be In A Calm State Of Mind To Eat Pizza.
Otherwise, You Could Eat It From The Wrong End Or Eat Something Triangular By Mistake, Like A Folded Flag.
What Are You Looking At? Sarah.
I Didn't Know She Knew Where I Worked.
Who Didn't Know Where You Worked? Wow.
Who's That? That's My Sister.
She Looks So Dirty.
Oh, My God, I Want Her To Have My Baby.
Get In Line.
Why Am I Dressed Like This? You Haven't Left Yet? I Had A Post-It On My Mirror Saying, "Don't Show Leg On Tuesday," And I'm Wondering, Who Am I Not Showing Leg To? Well, You Have A Marketing Meeting At 10:00.
They Like Leg.
Art Department At 11:00.
Leg Is Fine.
Lunch With Chip.
Leg's A Plus.
Librarian's Association At 4:00.
Ding Ding Ding! See You In 20 Minutes.
Bye! Oh, Short.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Adam Pitzer.
I Live Across The Street.
I'm Collecting Money For Our School's New Baseball Uniforms? Oh, Sure.
What Are People Giving? 50 Bucks.
50 Bucks? Do They Come With A Matching Tote? We Stopped Using Sweatshops.
Ah, Okay.
I'll Be Out In A Sec.
My Mom Told Me You Write Kids Books.
Oh, No, I Don't Write Kids Books.
I Edit Kids Books.
It's A Very Different Job.
Hard To Explain.
She Said You Wrote "Brambles Mcgee.
" Well, Again, I Didn't Write "Brambles Mcgee.
" I Edited "Brambles Mcgee.
" How Come You Made Brambles Die? Oh, See, I Didn't Make Him Die.
I Made Him Die Quicker.
And With A Fancier Font.
How About I Just Write You A Check? My Mom Said The Man Who Lived Here With You Left.
Wow, Your Mom Sounds Fun.
Did He Take Your Couch? "Pitzer" - P- I-T-Z-E-R, Right? Is He Coming Back? I Certainly Hope Not.
I Finally Got The Place To Smell Entirely Like Vanilla.
How Long Did - Eight Months Ago.
There Was No One Else Involved, And I Did Not Make Him Gay.
Enjoy Your Uniforms, Love To Mom, Bye-Bye.
The return of Jezebel James S01E01 Pilot Barnes & Noble Hates The "Jezebel James" Cover.
Or, "Good Morning, Sarah.
" Good Morning, Sarah.
How Was My Train Ride? How Was Your Train Ride? Very Pleasant.
Thank You.
What A Lovely Way To Start The Day.
Go Ahead.
Barnes & Noble Hates The "Jezebel James" Cover.
They Say It's Too Dark, Too Adult, And Will Scare The Moms.
Turn Right! Art Department's Marked Three More Choices.
They Need Your Notes By Noon If We're Gonna Make Our Strike Date.
Coffee, Please - Low-Fat Milk.
Smell It First.
Got It.
Morning, Molly.
Yeah.
I Had To Bring My Granddaughter In Again Today.
Zoe's Here? Great.
I Stuck Her At Your Boy's Desk.
If She Bugs You, Kick Her Out.
She Should Know The Subways By Now.
Hi, Molly.
Who Are You? Sarah's Assistant.
Did You Used To Be Fat? No.
Well, Then, Who The Hell's That Fat Kid Walking Around Here? She Thought I Was Dave.
Dave's Enormous! Oh, Look, I Need You To Make Me A Reservation For Tonight For Two At Blue Hill, 9:00.
Great.
And Who Will You Be Dining With? Another Person.
Whose Name Is? Doesn't Matter.
But I Need It For My Records.
No, You Don't.
Yes, I - Oh, I Get It.
It's The Mystery Man Again.
That's The Third Time This Week.
Getting Serious.
No, I'm Not Getting Serious.
I'm Never Getting Serious.
This Relationship Is About Nice Dinners, Fancy Drinks, And Sex - That's It.
We Don't Talk About Our Lives, We Don't Meet Friends Or Family.
It's Simple, It's Clean, And, Frankly Marcus - Marcus! Ha! Got A Name.
What's The Story, Morning Glory? What's The Word, Hummingbird? Just Forwarding My Calls, Yosemite Balls.
I Had No Choice, Buddy.
Oh, Yes.
So Helpless.
That One's Dying Alone.
Hey, Did You Get A Chance To Read "Jezebel James"? Yep.
And? It's Even Better Than The First One.
Really? Jezebel Is Absolutely The Best Character Ever.
At The End, When She Runs Off To That Carnival In Pennsylvania - Now I Totally Want To Go To Scranton! Well, What Girl Wouldn't? Hey, You Free For Lunch? You Buying? Unless You Finally Found A Market For Your Mrs.
Jack Sparrow Notebook Doodles, Yes, I'm Buying.
Buddy: Cellphone's Ringing! Thank You.
I Have A Girlfriend.
Let's See A Picture.
This Is Sarah.
Sarah, Great.
How Big Is Your Living Room? I- I Don't Know, Dad.
Oh, It Doesn't Matter.
We'll Just Make It Work.
We'll Make What Work, Dad? I Found You A D What? Wher On The Corner Of, Uh, 23rd And 7th.
Like, Literally On The Corner? I'm Walking By And Some Kids Are Just Throwing It Out.
Perfectly Good Couch.
Just Needs A Couple Of Springs, Some New Fabric, Little Stuffing, Pillows, A Back.
Dad, I Don't Want The Couch.
Give Me One Week.
You'll Think Brooke Astor's Kids Sold It Out From Under Her.
I'm Sure, But I Don't Need It.
You Don't Need It? I Don't Need It.
So, Matt Came Back? Ah, Here We Go.
He Came Back, He Brought The Couch Back, He Moved Back In, You're Back Together.
No, Matt Did Not Come Back.
So You Still Don't Have A Couch.
No, I Don't, But I Will Get One Soon.
What About A Husband? Gonna Get One Of Those Soon? Oh, Hey, Beatrix Potter's On The Other Line.
I Don't Understand What Happened With You Guys.
You Were Together - What - 9, 10 Years? You Don't Marry Him, You Don't Have Child- Don't You Want Children? Of Course, Eventually.
And Now You're In Your Late - Mid.
30s.
You Have No Idea Where The Next Man Is Coming From.
And When You Do Find Him, You're Gonna Wait Another 10 Years? Because By Then, You'll Be In Your Late - Mid! 40s And, Physically, That Is Too Old To Have Kids.
Never Mind.
Want The Couch? Sure, Dad, A Couch Will Be Great.
See You Next Week.
Call Your Mother.
Don't Tell Her I Told You.
That Starts A Whole Thing.
Hey! Hey, Kid! That, Uh, Space Heater Still Work? Don't.
Sorry.
It Was Just Calling Me.
It's So Perfect.
It's Like A Perfect Half-A-Circle.
Did You Do Something To Get It Like That? Yes.
I Forgot To Put My Diaphragm In.
Sarah Tompkins? Right Here.
Boy, That Woman Out There Is Huge And Mad.
Being Pregnant Will Do That To You.
Well, Sign Me Up.
Seriously, I Am Ready.
Ever Since I Decided To Do This, I've Been So Energized.
Sarah, Hold On A Sec- I Know.
I Need To Find A Donor.
I Just Can't Decide.
Someone I Know, Someone I Don't.
Someone I Know Could Be Fun 'Cause Then I'll See How Little Junior's Gonna Look When He Grows Up.
Although Someone I Don't Could Be Nice 'Cause It'd Be Kind Of Like A Game Show.
Are You Gonna Get Antonio Banderas Or Clint Howard? Sarah.
You'll Love Them Both The Same, But You Might Want To Light The Christmas-Card Picture A Little Darker.
No! Sarah! You're Not Going To Be Able To Get Pregnant.
You Have Something Called Asherman's Syndrome.
It's The Formation Of Intrauterine Adhesions.
Now, In Some Cases, It Can Be Reversed With Surgery, But In Your Case, It Can't.
It Means You Can't Conceive.
Conceive What? Conceive A Child.
Are You Telling Me I Can't Get Pregnant? Yes.
No.
I Can Get Pregnant.
Sarah.
I Can! Look, In High School, I Really Wanted To Be A Cheerleader, Okay? But I Couldn't Do A Cartwheel.
And To Be A Cheerleader, You Had To Do A Cartwheel.
So One Day, I Went Out Into The Backyard, And I Told Myself, "I'm Not Going Back In Until I Can Do A Cartwheel Perfectly Both Ways.
" I Was Back By Dinner.
This Isn't A Cartwheel.
Cartwheels Are Hard.
I Wish I Could Offer You A Solution.
Can I Talk To This Guy Asherman? Maybe I Can Change His Mind.
Look, Sarah, There Are Other Options, Like Adoption.
Adoption, Yeah.
I Don't Know.
I Don't Think I'm The Adoption Type.
Get A Little Freaked Out When Strangers Use My Bathroom, You Know? They Won't Look Like My Mother, Which Will Definitely Be An Issue At Some Point.
What If It Grows Up And Tries To Kill Me? I Mean, I Kind Of Asked For It, Right? You Know, You Don't Have To Make A Decision Right Now.
Why Don't I Give You Some Literature To Look Over When You Feel Like It? Yeah, Okay.
Thanks.
I Can't Conceive, I Have Homework, And You Don't Validate.
Super.
So, I Got A Breakfast Meeting In The Morning, My Partner's In Los Angeles Till Thursday, And My Assistant's Out Of Town, Which Means There's No One To Witness How Incredibly Late I'm Gonna Drag Myself Into The Office Tomorrow.
Now, With All That Information Floating In The Air, Can I Get You A Nightcap? Sarah? Sorry, My Shoe Came Off In The Elevator.
Gah, Shoot! I'd Like To Think It's My Irresistible Animal Magnetism That's Making You All Flustered Tonight, So I Will.
What? What About Magnets? Uh, Nothing.
Huh.
You Know, It's Just Gonna Come Off In A Minute Anyway.
Oh, Well, That Explains A Lot.
Sarah? Yeah? Well, You Didn't Say Anything At Dinner, You Didn't Eat Anything At Dinner, And Apparently You've Been Wearing Your Shoes On The Wrong Feet All Night.
So? So, I Was Just Wondering If There's Something Wrong.
Marcus, We Agreed.
We Don't Ask If There's Something Wrong.
I Know.
I Just Thought Maybe Something Happened At Work.
We Don't Talk About Our Work.
Yeah, But - We Don't Talk About Our Work, Our Personal Lives, Or Our Families.
No, I Know.
Those Are The Rules.
And They Are Good Rules.
And I'm Sticking To The Rules.
Okay.
You Just Seem Distracted Tonight.
Distracted? Well, That's Just Wrong.
I Mean, Here I Am All Alone With You.
What On Earth Could Be On My Mind Except For Carnal, Naughty, Catholic-Schoolgirl-Uniform Kind Of Thoughts? You Brought The Uniform? I Thought That Was My Christmas Present.
I'm Sorry, I'm Fine! You Don't Seem Fine.
I'll Be Fine.
Sarah, Is There Something Wrong? We Don't Ask If There's Something Wrong! But You're Just Sitting There.
Ignore Me.
Oh, God, Why Am I Doing This Now, Here? I Don't Know.
I Don't Get To Ask.
I Should Have Done This At The Doctor's Office, Where There Are Sedatives And Kleenex Boxes.
Why Don't You Have Any Kleenex Boxes? Why Would I Need Kleenex Boxes? In Case You Sneeze.
Don't You Sneeze? Yes, I Sneeze.
What Do You Do When You Sneeze? Well, I Have A Box Under The Sink.
You Have To Go All The Way In The Bathroom To Root Under The Sink Every Time You Sneeze? That's Insane.
That's Insane? Maybe I Should Just Take You Home.
No! I'm Here To Have Sex With You.
We Can Do It Another Night.
Oh, Hey, I've Had About Enough Of Other People Telling Me What I Can And Cannot Do! You Hear Me? Look, Sarah, I-I Don't Really Know What I'm Supposed To Do.
I Mean, If You Want To Talk - Do You Want To Talk? No, I Never Want To Talk.
Okay, No Talking! We Have An Agreement! No Drama, No Emotions, Just Sex, And We Are Sticking To That.
Now, Just Give Me 30 Seconds To Collect Myself, And I'll Be Fine.
Just Forget It.
The Lights Will Be Off Anyway.
You Won't Be Able To Tell.
I Am Oddly And Disturbingly Aroused Right Now.
More Coffee? Uh, Yes, But In A New Cup, Please.
I Think There's Something In This One.
There Were Air Bubbles Coming Up A Minute Ago.
They're Gone Now, So Yes, A Moment Of Silence Does Seem Appropriate.
Give Him A Proper Burial, Would Ya? Okay.
Really? Hmm? What Are You Doing? What Are You Doing? I'm Supposed To Be Meeting My Sister.
She Told Me To Meet Her Here At This Place.
I Wanted To Meet Her At The St.
Regis With Their Good Bar Nuts And Plentiful Cleaning Products.
The Last Time I Had Lunch At The St.
Regis, I Ended Up In Rehab In San Diego.
Mom's Idea.
Just Following Orders? Didn't Hold Up In Nuremberg.
You Ordering? Uh, Yes.
I'll Have An Egg-White Omelet, Dry, Low-Fat Cheese, And An Onion Bagel, Scooped.
No? Uh, How About Toast And A Tetanus Shot? We've Got Toast.
Terrific.
You? Grilled Cheese, Extra Cheese.
I Wouldn't Order Anything Here That Requires Refrigeration.
Get Toast.
I Don't Want Toast.
Toast Might Save Your Life.
Why Are You Whispering? He's Closer To You Than I Am.
Wait, Are - Are You Guys Together? Yes.
No.
We're Debating.
Okay, That's Not My Section.
Two Orders Of Toast.
I'll Just Wing It At Her.
Oh, Coco, This Is Silly.
Come Sit With Me.
First Tell Me Why I'm Here.
Come Sit And I'll Tell You.
Tell Me And I'll Come Sit.
I Haven't Seen You In A While, And I Thought It Would Be Nice To Catch Up, And To Do It Here In A Petri Dish - Icing On The Cake.
You Said I Could Pick The Place.
I Would Have Come To Your House.
There Is No Way You Are Coming Over To Any Place I Live Ever Again.
You're Overreacting.
You Had Me Evicted! No, I Simply Made A Call To See If It Was Legal For A Person To Be Living In A Chinese Restaurant.
I Was Living Above A Chinese Restaurant.
You Were Sleeping On A Shelf Over The Noodle Station.
Even In New York, That Is Not Considered A Loft.
Hey, I Got Free Egg Rolls And Picked Up Some Conversational Mandarin.
So, You Happy With Your Place Now? I'm Crashing On A Friend's Couch.
Well, That Could Be Nice.
Whatever.
That's Why We're Meeting Here.
Now, Why Are We Meeting At All? Excuse Me.
Not My Section.
Okay.
I Need A Favor.
From Me? Yes.
You've Never Needed A Favor From Me.
Well, Now I Do.
Wow.
What Is It? Uh, Okay, Let's See, How Can I Put This? It's Delicate.
Uh, Coco I Need Your Uterus.
What? I Mean, You Can Keep It In Your, You Know, There, Where It Belongs.
I Would Just Like To Borrow It For A Few Months.
What The Hell Are You Talking Abou Well, As You Know, I've Always Wanted A Family.
No, I Didn't Know That.
Yes, You Knew I Wanted A Family.
How Would I Know That? What Do You Mean? I've Always Said That.
To Who? To Whoever I Was Talking To.
And When Was Whoever You Were Talking To Me? Anyhow I've Always Wanted A Family, And I Think That Now Is The Right Time For Me To Have That Family That I've Always Wanted, So I Would Like You To Carry My Baby For Me.
You're Absorbing.
I'll Continue.
I Would Pay You, Of Course.
It Would Be Like A Job Like The Time You Sold Lemonade To The Neighbors? I Know What A Job Is, Sarah.
It Would Be My Egg That Gets Fertilized, So You Could Keep Yours, And The Sperm Would Come From A Donor To Be Named Later.
Now, The Only Condition I Would Impose Is That You Would Have To Move Into My House For The Length Of The Pregnancy So I Can Make Sure The Baby Doesn't Come Out With Two Heads And The Words "Aged In Oak Barrel" Stamped On It.
I Have A Lovely Guest Room For You - A Big Bathroom, A Walk-In Closet.
You Might Enjoy It.
I'm Sorry, Did You Say I Might Enjoy It? There's Maid Service.
Enjoy Being Knocked Up With Your Baby, Like I'm An Incubator? An Incubator With Tivo.
So, I'll Get Pregnant - Pregnant - As In A Living Being Will Be Growing Inside Of Me, Like "Alien.
" Not Exactly Like "Alien.
" It Will Have A Different Exit Strategy.
So, I'll Have All The Morning Sickness, I'll Get Fat, I'll Have To Go Through Hours Of Pain And Screaming And Sweating And Stretch Marks, And I Don't Even Get To Get Laid First? You Really Know How To Drain The Sexy Out Of Things.
No.
Oh, Coco, Just Think About It.
You Know, It's Almost A Year Since I Hear From You, And When I Do, It's To Take Part In Some Crazy Medical Experiment? Like My Life Is So Crappy That Of Course Something Like This Has Got To Be An Improvement? Oh, Please, Like You've Been Ringing My Phone Off The Hook? I Didn't Even Have An Address For You.
Three Years Ago At Christmas, You Wouldn't Let Me Use Your Car For 10 Minutes To Go Buy Cranberry Sauce! Now, All Of A Sudden, You're Gonna Let Me Carry Your Kid Inside Me For A Year? Well, It Was A Lexus, And You Are Not The Best Driver! But I'd Be A Good Mother?! You Wouldn't Be The Mother! I Would Be! Then You Have The Baby! I Can't Have The Baby, Coco! Who Says You Can't Have The Baby? Asherman.
He's Got This Syndrome.
I Don't Understand.
I'm Broken.
My Insides Aren't Working Properly.
I Had The Test.
The Doctor Said That I Can't.
Did You Tell Him About The Cartwheels? It Doesn't Matter.
But Cartwheels Are Hard.
She Doesn't Care About The Cartwheels.
She Told Me To Adopt.
Right.
Like You're Gonna Let A Stranger Use Your Bathroom.
Anyway, I Just Got It In My Head That We're Blood, You And Me.
I Know We're Not Close, But We're Still Sisters.
And I Thought That If You Had The Baby, It Would Be A Little Like Me Having It Also.
It's Crazy.
This Is Stupid.
I'm Sorry I Mentioned It.
Just Forget I Said Anything.
I Should Go.
Thanks For Meeting Me Here.
Do You Need Money? Of Course You Need Money.
I'll Give You Some Money.
There's Got To Be A Wallet In Here Somewhere.
What's This? That's Just One Of My Books.
"True Adventures Of Jezebel James.
" Jezebel James? Isn't That - Your Imaginary Friend, Yeah.
She Wrote A Book? No, Honey.
She's Imaginary.
But How Is She A Book? I Made Her A Book.
I Wanted To Do Something About A Teen Heroine - Strong-Willed, Independent - Pippi With A Blackberry.
You Wrote It? No, I Didn't, But I Found A Writer, And I Worked With Her To Make Sure That The Heroine Came Across Like The Real Jezebel - The Real Fake Jezebel - Your Jezebel.
I'm Surprised You Even Remember Her.
Are You Kidding? She Ate My Birth Control Pills Three Months In A Row.
Yes.
She Told Me About That.
God, You Really Want A Kid That Bad? Uh I Don't Know.
I Thought I Did, But I'll Figure Something Out.
I Always Do.
So, Not In The Booths Anymore? No, We're Actually Done Here.
It Was Good Seeing You.
You Look Good.
I Was Just Asking.
The Table Is Totally In My Section.
Ferlinghetti's Sick.
You Have To Share Tonight.
Okay, So, Not To Panic You, But We've Missed Three Deadlines To Pick The New Cover, And We're About To Miss The Fourth One, And If We Do - What? What? The World's Gonna Come To An End? No, But Al In The Print Department Said Something About Putting My Boys In A Vise, And Since I Don't Have Sons, My Mind Goes To A Very Dark Place.
So, Buddy, Did You Bother To Order Any Pizza With This Grease? I Mean, They Could Have At Least Thrown In A Straw Or A Defibrillator Or A Baboon Heart.
Ugh! Forget It.
I'm Just Too Emotional To Eat Pizza.
Yes, You Really Do Need To Be In A Calm State Of Mind To Eat Pizza.
Otherwise, You Could Eat It From The Wrong End Or Eat Something Triangular By Mistake, Like A Folded Flag.
What Are You Looking At? Sarah.
I Didn't Know She Knew Where I Worked.
Who Didn't Know Where You Worked? Wow.
Who's That? That's My Sister.
She Looks So Dirty.
Oh, My God, I Want Her To Have My Baby.
Get In Line.