The Return of Jezebel James (2008) s01e02 Episode Script
Frankenstein baby
Oh, great.
The german "Jezebel James" cover For your approval.
Check out the forearms On jezebel.
She looks like a fraulein At the local beer hall.
I have jam on my blouse.
And she doesn't shave Her legs.
People should not eat jam In the office.
It's not An office-friendly food.
Or her underarms.
I hope her german adventures Include a good waxing.
It's in my hair! The jam is in my hair.
Okay, i'm just Gonna nix this cover And tell them To start again.
So, basically, that's it.
You're done.
You cleared me For the entire day? I moved susan to tomorrow And twila's agent to next week, And the art department Is out of purple, So they needed Some more time anyway.
The only holdout is marcus, Who insisted on talking To you personally.
The jam is on my knee.
It moved from my shirt To my hair to my knee.
How does it do that? So, you insist on talking To me personally? I have never known you To cancel a meeting.
What gives? I have a doctor's Appointment.
All day? Uh, he's very old and slow.
Time out rated him the slowest Doctor in manhattan.
I don't care About the meeting.
I wanted to know if clearing Your schedule today Means you're clearing Your schedule tonight.
Ooh, cold! What? Uh, nothing.
Buddy's got His hand up my shirt.
Really? Is this in lieu of overtime? No, i'm not Canceling tonight.
That's the answer I wanted to hear.
See you at 8:00? You'll see me at 8:00.
So i take it We're not telling marcus About the sister situation, Either.
No.
For now, It's top secret.
It's just early, And it's weird, And i'm not sure How to explain it to people.
Well, i'm great At keeping secrets.
Oh, rosalyn murphy On the fourth floor Is taking hormone shots To become a man.
She told me that in strictest Of confidence.
Well, you're not Gonna say anything.
I'm serious.
My sister and i don't know Each other very well, And our first big interaction Is her having my baby.
I just want to make sure It sticks before i tell people.
So until then, i want to keep This nice and mellow And very low-key.
Okay.
Coming through! Think fast! What? The return of Jezebel James S01E02 - Frankestein baby Now, keep in mind This i ia co-op, Meaning we're all In this together.
So it's really important That you're very nice To everyone In the building.
Hello.
Hi.
Not her.
Don't talk to her.
We hate her.
Oh, look, I got you something! Here.
No.
It's a phone! No.
I got one for me, too! Hello kitty! I thought this could be Our emergency cellphones, Especially handy When you're pregnant.
No one else Will have the number.
I know they're silly And girly, but we're silly And girly, so And here are your keys! Keep them on you at all times.
Fine.
I keep mine on me At all times.
I am never Without my keys.
I go to work with my keys, I shop with my keys, I have sex with my keys.
I will have them with me Always forever.
My tombstone will read, "here lies sarah And her keys.
" Oh, god, This is so exciting! Wow.
Big.
Yeah, it used to be An old slaughterhouse.
Isn't that dark? Did somebody Steal your couch? Oh, no.
Matt took it when he moved out.
Oh.
What happened there? I don't know.
One day you're together, The next day, you're not.
There wasn't really A reason.
I wish there was Something concrete.
Well He hit on me five years ago.
What? When? Christmas dinner.
In the kitchen at mom's.
Right next To gingerbread jesus.
Are you serious? No.
Just trying to give you Something concrete.
You're welcome.
Okay! Stove, fridge, Espresso machine, dishwasher.
Oh, look.
Here is the mad money - All the petty cash you need For takeout, delivery, Tips, whatever.
Look - everything you need To know about the neighborhood.
Best coffee, best nail place, Best hair salon, best caf?- Good food, bad people - Best caf?- Bad food, good people.
And, look - The top 10 delivery places, Each one rated and tested By yours truly.
Next stop, upstairs! Maid comes twice a week.
Don't worry about the plants.
Got a fella to do it.
Right in there's my office.
And right in here Is my bedroom.
Right in here's my bathroom With the greatest bathtub ever.
Use it.
And here Is your room! Okay, i know, It needs a little work, But i've already come up With a great room concept.
I'm thinking chinoiserie Meets mid-century modern With a dash of hunt club.
I know the greatest places For, like, tiles, carpeting.
You don't think you can have Orange with your complexion, But you can.
It's gonna be Magazine-photo quality.
So what do i do now? Pee in a cup? Uh If you want.
Or you can use my bathroom.
'Cause i'm here for a reason, You know? I know.
Not here for a slumber party.
Okay, i'll go take your bra out Of the freezer.
I mean, you hired me To do a job.
I don't need a place To crash Or a b.
f.
f.
To paint My toenails, And i don't know what the hell Chinoiserie is, But i'm pretty sure I can live without it.
Hey.
Coco, stop! Coco, slow down! Oh, i'm sorry.
Was i going too fast for you? Is there a speed limit On the stairs? Boy, things are so regimented Around here! What are you talking about? I am here to pop out a kid For you.
That's it! I know.
I don't take baths! Well, you don't have to sound So proud about that.
And who the hell wants Their room photographed, So everyone knows what all Their stuff looks like? No, coco.
They don't photograph Your stuff - They bring in Their own stuff! Why don't we just have them Come in and do the room? Because if your room doesn't Look fabulous in the first place, Then they don't want to come in And change it! You don't even think I can decorate my room! If you want to do it, Go ahead and do it! Well, i can! I don't need your help! Or your lists Or your maid service.
I don't even need a room! Okay, fine! Sleep on the floor, Sleep in the hall - I don't care! I was just trying To be nice.
I was just trying to make you Feel at home! Why are you mad? Why are you mad?! Because i'm not a loser! Okay, Hold it right here, guys! I'm gonna go get The pillows.
Are you ready for a visit From dad? Dad's here? Why is he here? Is this a setup? Oh, god, This is another intervention.
This time tomorrow, I'm gonna be playing trust games With amy winehouse.
This is not an intervention.
Dad comes here all the time.
He does? Yes.
And you didn't mention this To me before? I didn't think It was important.
You didn't think it was important? No! Sarah! What? Ahh Just calm down! I'll take care of it! How are you gonna take care Of it? Here! Take this.
Okay.
And do what? Hit him over the head? Put it in the kitchen! Kitchen - right! I just have to say I'm feeling right at home! Sarcasm is an old maid's Best friend! Done! Corner! Got it.
Other one! Sarah, if you're home, Cover it up! Coming in! Come on! Great.
All right, easy there.
Watch the door.
Wow, dad.
What's this? It's your couch.
It's good as new.
I had to gut The whole thing.
Family of mice Was living inside.
It took four cats And a couple of jolts From my car battery To get them out.
Thanks, guys.
Great.
I'll see you back at the shop.
Oh-ho, That looks perfect there.
Should have brought My camera.
And how about This fabric? Your mother picked it out.
Gives me a headache, But she says the girls Really like it.
It's indoor/outdoor Fabric.
So, if you wanted to take it out Onto the terrace For a party, You could do that.
And this fabric Hides stains.
One of my guys dropped His gray's papaya all over it - You can't see it! Hello? Coco.
How long you Been standing there? How long you been talking? Hey, great.
I see the lamp's Still going strong.
He looked right through me - Like i'm gay cousin steve.
Whoops! What? Go out to the terrace.
See if mom's in the car.
Why would mom Be in the car? Sometimes She's in the car.
If she's in the car, Why wouldn't she come in? She doesn't come in Until she's invited in.
Like a vampire.
Yeah, just go! Sarah, you're not using this On wood floors, are you? No, dad.
There's nothing in the back.
You got any saran wrap? Maybe i can rig Something up.
Well? I see an arm.
What are the chances she found A severed arm And hung it out the window Just to mess with your mind? That's crazy.
Well Oh, it moved.
Okay, i'm going down.
Don't leave me Alone with dad! Fine.
You go invite mom up.
Nice choice, sophie! Ooh, it's so nice To be warm again! Well, you didn't have to have The window rolled down, mom.
Well, i figured as long as I still had feeling in my feet, I was okay.
Look what i found In the car! Coco? It's coco! I know! Is she high? No, she's not high.
Or deaf.
Look, mom, dad - let me handle it.
I was just gonna - but i'm better at it.
Fine.
Mom, dad, i have something Wonderful to tell you.
Should we sit? No! Ronnie, you sit When something's bad.
This is wonderful! Didn't you say It was wonderful? Yes, it is wonderful.
It's okay.
It's okay? It's not wonderful.
It's very wonderful.
You're building this up Too much.
I just want to sit.
I'm going to stand, Because if it's wonderful, Then i'm going to jump! How's this? Dad, sit.
Mom, stand.
Coco, shh! Everybody settled? Good.
Okay.
Here we go.
Mom, dad, coco is going to be Living with me for a while.
Who is she hiding from? No one.
They already found me.
Coco is not in hiding.
Coco is doing me A wonderful favor.
A wonderful favor! Ronnie! I'm getting up.
I've decided it's time for me To have a child.
I'm sitting down.
Anyway, i can't have one.
That's the sad part.
Fast-forward to I asked coco if she Would have one for me, And she said yes.
Have one for you? What the hell does that mean? It's long and involved And complicated, But the gist of it is, Is that coco is going to carry My baby for me.
I guess we're sittin'.
I just have to say This is very upsetting.
Why? Nobody runs anything Past me anymore.
Mom! I had to sit out there In the car for 40 minutes Before anyone bothered To invite me in.
Two squirrels got into a fight Right above my head! Then i finally come in here Only to find you girls In cahoots.
I wouldn't characterize it As cahoots.
Oh, it is.
It is cahoots.
Mom.
What am i supposed To tell everybody, All my friends? First i have to say my daughter Is a divorcée, And now i have to say she's Having a frankenstein baby.
You are gonna be such An amazing grandmother.
I am not a divorcée.
Matt and i were never married.
Oh, please! I couldn't just tell people You lived with a man For 10 years.
After 5, you got married.
And then when matt left, You got divorced, And let me tell you, It broke my heart.
That was a rough time.
My fake divorce from my fake Husband was a rough time.
Is this the type of thing Where we send coco to europe For a year? Yes! What? I saw on the biography channel Susan hayward went to europe For a year And came back with a niece.
And i saw On the discovery channel They spun some man stuff around In a dish, And it came out a boy.
I don't understand.
I thought you would be thrilled, Especially you.
You went on and on About wanting a grandchild, And now You're getting one.
You talked about this.
No, no - I see.
You're all in cahoots.
It's fine.
You can have your secret club.
I'm going back to the car And listen To my garrison keillor.
Mom! And i just found out a friend Of mine has cancer, And we didn't even Get to that! Hold on, talia! I'm right behind you.
Make it a boy! I have to tell you, I am so surprised At how deeply satisfying it was Watching hockey.
It's just so slavic, You know? With the ice and the beer And the big man With the square head.
Plus, you get clothes.
Hmm.
You're welcome.
What are you Thinking about? About number 19 Smashing number 12.
Slashing number 12.
12 seconds before the end Of the game.
Tell me, marcus Have you ever Slashed anyone? Yes.
Yes, i have.
What is that? What? You don't hear that? It's coming from your purse.
What are you talking about? Maybe you're sick.
Aw.
Are you smelling toast? No, i'm not smelling toast.
I'm hearing a - It's like a voice, And it's singing "hello" something.
Nope.
Nothing.
You know, some women find Senior moments very, very hot.
Oh, crap! Smelling some toast, Grandma? Sorry! I thought we agreed no phones, No blackberries.
I know! Well, we have rules.
You made up most of them.
No sleeping over - yours.
No conversations About personal stuff - yours.
The phones-off thing - Definitely yours.
I think the only thing i got In there was "no abba.
" Yeah, and i did not agree To that, by the way.
What the hell is that? It's a - it's a phone.
You take business calls On a cat's head? It's not a business phone.
It's my second phone.
Why do you need A second phone? Why? Why? Why? Why are there 20 guys On a hockey team? You got your goalies, You got your left defensemen, You got your right defensemen, You got your - That was rhetorical.
You got to be kidding me! Sarah, what is going on? It's nothing! It's nothing! I have a new client - Uh, a clown.
A clown? Mm-hmm.
He's a little neurotic, You know? He gets really scared when he Looks at himself in the mirror.
And he cries Tears of a Anyhow, he wanted A special phone That only he had The number to So that he Could feel special, so You expect me To believe this? It's true.
A clown.
Named bingo.
Why do you have A second phone? Marcus, the rules.
Fine.
Hey, look! Kitty's off And back in the purse.
See? Kitty gone! Where did she go? I don't know.
Did she ever exist at all? Ooh! It's spooky! I really like my jersey.
Aren't you worried bingo might Have a tiny-bicycle problem? Or the other 99 Of his friends Took off With the volkswagen? No.
All my focus is on you.
Just a second.
What? I just want to freshen up.
Just in case you're secretly Filming this, i I want you to get A good price.
Hello? Coco! Hey.
Listen, i had to rearrange The top-10 takeout list Because number 5 And number 3 now suck.
I'm in a very private, personal Situation right now, And it's not Cellphone-friendly! Why have you been calling me All night? What are you Talking about? You called me.
That phone is not a toy.
Its ears light up.
It's for emergencies only.
It's not for everyday use.
Sarah, freak, I did not call you.
I've just been sitting here All night minding my - Hey, hold on.
I think my butt Has been calling you.
Oh, coco, come on! Come on, what? It was an accident.
If you can't be responsible For that phone, Then i'm gonna have To take it back.
Fine! Take it back! I never asked for it In the first place! Yeah, That would be just perfect.
I take it back, Then you go into labor, And i miss the whole thing.
Well, if you'd sprung For a phone with a video camera, I could have filmed it For you.
It has a video camera.
It shoots through kitty's eyes.
Really? Cool.
I got to go.
You're out of towels.
I thought you Were gonna be back late.
Didn't quite work out That way.
What are you doing On the floor? I ordered some extra chinese Food for you, if you want.
Are you hungry? I can heat it up.
If you want.
You go in the kitchen.
The kitchen - The room with the fridge.
You can't miss it.
These are mine.
My private letters From matt.
Uh I wasn't reading them.
Just looking At the pictures? Okay, i read them, but only 'Cause your diary was so boring.
You read my diary? Only volume 1, The early years.
What are you doing? Why are you snooping Through my stuff? I wasn't hugged enough? Coco.
Because.
Because why? Because i don't know you, Okay? I mean, i'm sitting here In this giant place, And i'm just thinking, "none of this seems right.
" I mean, who are you? Who is this person Who tracks me down, Who trusts me with keys, Who trusts me to have her baby? Apparently someone Who should have put a lock On her closet door.
I'm sorry, sarah.
I'm trying to figure this out.
I mean, what kind of woman Lives with a man Who discusses Cabinet measurements In his love letters? We were in the middle Of a renovation.
Who folds her underwear up Into tiny little One-inch squares? You went through My underwear drawer? And who has the time To hand-make labels For each one Of her 12 mascaras that say, "i bought this On december 12, 2007"? A person who once spent Three months With a mondo case Of pinkeye - that's who.
What is her life? Just What is going on?! I don't understand.
You like order, You like tidiness, You like dependability.
So? So, why me? I'm none of that.
I don't have a bank account Or a hairbrush Or a sensible bra or a clue.
I don't have any direction.
You will.
No, i won't.
I'm the loser who needs My sister to make lists for me So i know where to get a cup Of coffee.
you don't need a sister Who makes lists.
you have a sister Who makes lists.
Big difference.
Look, i'm not the mysterious one In the relationship, okay? I have a job, a house, And credit cards, Tivo knows what i like Before i do.
You're the mysterious one.
I should be going Through your stuff.
Go ahead.
No.
Why not? Because i only want to know What you want me to know.
And when you want me To know about you - Who you are, Where you've been, Why everything you have Is so dirty - You'll tell me.
I hope.
So, i'll wait.
Good night.
Oh, and it's not that weird - The underwear-folding thing.
This is new york.
Space is at a premium.
Hey.
I went to spain last year With a friend whose parents Have a house in madrid.
And i worked selling mantillas To tourists.
I actually dated a bullfighter For a while.
It was all very ava gardner.
But that's why i missed Dad's 60th birthday party.
He fell asleep Before the cake.
The tradition lives on.
Spain sounds fun.
It was.
Can i ask you one thing? Sure.
Were you joking About the sensible-bra thing? 'Cause sagging Can be a real issue.
Come on.
Let's eat egg rolls.
I - i mean it.
Really.
We've all seen mom At the lake.
The german "Jezebel James" cover For your approval.
Check out the forearms On jezebel.
She looks like a fraulein At the local beer hall.
I have jam on my blouse.
And she doesn't shave Her legs.
People should not eat jam In the office.
It's not An office-friendly food.
Or her underarms.
I hope her german adventures Include a good waxing.
It's in my hair! The jam is in my hair.
Okay, i'm just Gonna nix this cover And tell them To start again.
So, basically, that's it.
You're done.
You cleared me For the entire day? I moved susan to tomorrow And twila's agent to next week, And the art department Is out of purple, So they needed Some more time anyway.
The only holdout is marcus, Who insisted on talking To you personally.
The jam is on my knee.
It moved from my shirt To my hair to my knee.
How does it do that? So, you insist on talking To me personally? I have never known you To cancel a meeting.
What gives? I have a doctor's Appointment.
All day? Uh, he's very old and slow.
Time out rated him the slowest Doctor in manhattan.
I don't care About the meeting.
I wanted to know if clearing Your schedule today Means you're clearing Your schedule tonight.
Ooh, cold! What? Uh, nothing.
Buddy's got His hand up my shirt.
Really? Is this in lieu of overtime? No, i'm not Canceling tonight.
That's the answer I wanted to hear.
See you at 8:00? You'll see me at 8:00.
So i take it We're not telling marcus About the sister situation, Either.
No.
For now, It's top secret.
It's just early, And it's weird, And i'm not sure How to explain it to people.
Well, i'm great At keeping secrets.
Oh, rosalyn murphy On the fourth floor Is taking hormone shots To become a man.
She told me that in strictest Of confidence.
Well, you're not Gonna say anything.
I'm serious.
My sister and i don't know Each other very well, And our first big interaction Is her having my baby.
I just want to make sure It sticks before i tell people.
So until then, i want to keep This nice and mellow And very low-key.
Okay.
Coming through! Think fast! What? The return of Jezebel James S01E02 - Frankestein baby Now, keep in mind This i ia co-op, Meaning we're all In this together.
So it's really important That you're very nice To everyone In the building.
Hello.
Hi.
Not her.
Don't talk to her.
We hate her.
Oh, look, I got you something! Here.
No.
It's a phone! No.
I got one for me, too! Hello kitty! I thought this could be Our emergency cellphones, Especially handy When you're pregnant.
No one else Will have the number.
I know they're silly And girly, but we're silly And girly, so And here are your keys! Keep them on you at all times.
Fine.
I keep mine on me At all times.
I am never Without my keys.
I go to work with my keys, I shop with my keys, I have sex with my keys.
I will have them with me Always forever.
My tombstone will read, "here lies sarah And her keys.
" Oh, god, This is so exciting! Wow.
Big.
Yeah, it used to be An old slaughterhouse.
Isn't that dark? Did somebody Steal your couch? Oh, no.
Matt took it when he moved out.
Oh.
What happened there? I don't know.
One day you're together, The next day, you're not.
There wasn't really A reason.
I wish there was Something concrete.
Well He hit on me five years ago.
What? When? Christmas dinner.
In the kitchen at mom's.
Right next To gingerbread jesus.
Are you serious? No.
Just trying to give you Something concrete.
You're welcome.
Okay! Stove, fridge, Espresso machine, dishwasher.
Oh, look.
Here is the mad money - All the petty cash you need For takeout, delivery, Tips, whatever.
Look - everything you need To know about the neighborhood.
Best coffee, best nail place, Best hair salon, best caf?- Good food, bad people - Best caf?- Bad food, good people.
And, look - The top 10 delivery places, Each one rated and tested By yours truly.
Next stop, upstairs! Maid comes twice a week.
Don't worry about the plants.
Got a fella to do it.
Right in there's my office.
And right in here Is my bedroom.
Right in here's my bathroom With the greatest bathtub ever.
Use it.
And here Is your room! Okay, i know, It needs a little work, But i've already come up With a great room concept.
I'm thinking chinoiserie Meets mid-century modern With a dash of hunt club.
I know the greatest places For, like, tiles, carpeting.
You don't think you can have Orange with your complexion, But you can.
It's gonna be Magazine-photo quality.
So what do i do now? Pee in a cup? Uh If you want.
Or you can use my bathroom.
'Cause i'm here for a reason, You know? I know.
Not here for a slumber party.
Okay, i'll go take your bra out Of the freezer.
I mean, you hired me To do a job.
I don't need a place To crash Or a b.
f.
f.
To paint My toenails, And i don't know what the hell Chinoiserie is, But i'm pretty sure I can live without it.
Hey.
Coco, stop! Coco, slow down! Oh, i'm sorry.
Was i going too fast for you? Is there a speed limit On the stairs? Boy, things are so regimented Around here! What are you talking about? I am here to pop out a kid For you.
That's it! I know.
I don't take baths! Well, you don't have to sound So proud about that.
And who the hell wants Their room photographed, So everyone knows what all Their stuff looks like? No, coco.
They don't photograph Your stuff - They bring in Their own stuff! Why don't we just have them Come in and do the room? Because if your room doesn't Look fabulous in the first place, Then they don't want to come in And change it! You don't even think I can decorate my room! If you want to do it, Go ahead and do it! Well, i can! I don't need your help! Or your lists Or your maid service.
I don't even need a room! Okay, fine! Sleep on the floor, Sleep in the hall - I don't care! I was just trying To be nice.
I was just trying to make you Feel at home! Why are you mad? Why are you mad?! Because i'm not a loser! Okay, Hold it right here, guys! I'm gonna go get The pillows.
Are you ready for a visit From dad? Dad's here? Why is he here? Is this a setup? Oh, god, This is another intervention.
This time tomorrow, I'm gonna be playing trust games With amy winehouse.
This is not an intervention.
Dad comes here all the time.
He does? Yes.
And you didn't mention this To me before? I didn't think It was important.
You didn't think it was important? No! Sarah! What? Ahh Just calm down! I'll take care of it! How are you gonna take care Of it? Here! Take this.
Okay.
And do what? Hit him over the head? Put it in the kitchen! Kitchen - right! I just have to say I'm feeling right at home! Sarcasm is an old maid's Best friend! Done! Corner! Got it.
Other one! Sarah, if you're home, Cover it up! Coming in! Come on! Great.
All right, easy there.
Watch the door.
Wow, dad.
What's this? It's your couch.
It's good as new.
I had to gut The whole thing.
Family of mice Was living inside.
It took four cats And a couple of jolts From my car battery To get them out.
Thanks, guys.
Great.
I'll see you back at the shop.
Oh-ho, That looks perfect there.
Should have brought My camera.
And how about This fabric? Your mother picked it out.
Gives me a headache, But she says the girls Really like it.
It's indoor/outdoor Fabric.
So, if you wanted to take it out Onto the terrace For a party, You could do that.
And this fabric Hides stains.
One of my guys dropped His gray's papaya all over it - You can't see it! Hello? Coco.
How long you Been standing there? How long you been talking? Hey, great.
I see the lamp's Still going strong.
He looked right through me - Like i'm gay cousin steve.
Whoops! What? Go out to the terrace.
See if mom's in the car.
Why would mom Be in the car? Sometimes She's in the car.
If she's in the car, Why wouldn't she come in? She doesn't come in Until she's invited in.
Like a vampire.
Yeah, just go! Sarah, you're not using this On wood floors, are you? No, dad.
There's nothing in the back.
You got any saran wrap? Maybe i can rig Something up.
Well? I see an arm.
What are the chances she found A severed arm And hung it out the window Just to mess with your mind? That's crazy.
Well Oh, it moved.
Okay, i'm going down.
Don't leave me Alone with dad! Fine.
You go invite mom up.
Nice choice, sophie! Ooh, it's so nice To be warm again! Well, you didn't have to have The window rolled down, mom.
Well, i figured as long as I still had feeling in my feet, I was okay.
Look what i found In the car! Coco? It's coco! I know! Is she high? No, she's not high.
Or deaf.
Look, mom, dad - let me handle it.
I was just gonna - but i'm better at it.
Fine.
Mom, dad, i have something Wonderful to tell you.
Should we sit? No! Ronnie, you sit When something's bad.
This is wonderful! Didn't you say It was wonderful? Yes, it is wonderful.
It's okay.
It's okay? It's not wonderful.
It's very wonderful.
You're building this up Too much.
I just want to sit.
I'm going to stand, Because if it's wonderful, Then i'm going to jump! How's this? Dad, sit.
Mom, stand.
Coco, shh! Everybody settled? Good.
Okay.
Here we go.
Mom, dad, coco is going to be Living with me for a while.
Who is she hiding from? No one.
They already found me.
Coco is not in hiding.
Coco is doing me A wonderful favor.
A wonderful favor! Ronnie! I'm getting up.
I've decided it's time for me To have a child.
I'm sitting down.
Anyway, i can't have one.
That's the sad part.
Fast-forward to I asked coco if she Would have one for me, And she said yes.
Have one for you? What the hell does that mean? It's long and involved And complicated, But the gist of it is, Is that coco is going to carry My baby for me.
I guess we're sittin'.
I just have to say This is very upsetting.
Why? Nobody runs anything Past me anymore.
Mom! I had to sit out there In the car for 40 minutes Before anyone bothered To invite me in.
Two squirrels got into a fight Right above my head! Then i finally come in here Only to find you girls In cahoots.
I wouldn't characterize it As cahoots.
Oh, it is.
It is cahoots.
Mom.
What am i supposed To tell everybody, All my friends? First i have to say my daughter Is a divorcée, And now i have to say she's Having a frankenstein baby.
You are gonna be such An amazing grandmother.
I am not a divorcée.
Matt and i were never married.
Oh, please! I couldn't just tell people You lived with a man For 10 years.
After 5, you got married.
And then when matt left, You got divorced, And let me tell you, It broke my heart.
That was a rough time.
My fake divorce from my fake Husband was a rough time.
Is this the type of thing Where we send coco to europe For a year? Yes! What? I saw on the biography channel Susan hayward went to europe For a year And came back with a niece.
And i saw On the discovery channel They spun some man stuff around In a dish, And it came out a boy.
I don't understand.
I thought you would be thrilled, Especially you.
You went on and on About wanting a grandchild, And now You're getting one.
You talked about this.
No, no - I see.
You're all in cahoots.
It's fine.
You can have your secret club.
I'm going back to the car And listen To my garrison keillor.
Mom! And i just found out a friend Of mine has cancer, And we didn't even Get to that! Hold on, talia! I'm right behind you.
Make it a boy! I have to tell you, I am so surprised At how deeply satisfying it was Watching hockey.
It's just so slavic, You know? With the ice and the beer And the big man With the square head.
Plus, you get clothes.
Hmm.
You're welcome.
What are you Thinking about? About number 19 Smashing number 12.
Slashing number 12.
12 seconds before the end Of the game.
Tell me, marcus Have you ever Slashed anyone? Yes.
Yes, i have.
What is that? What? You don't hear that? It's coming from your purse.
What are you talking about? Maybe you're sick.
Aw.
Are you smelling toast? No, i'm not smelling toast.
I'm hearing a - It's like a voice, And it's singing "hello" something.
Nope.
Nothing.
You know, some women find Senior moments very, very hot.
Oh, crap! Smelling some toast, Grandma? Sorry! I thought we agreed no phones, No blackberries.
I know! Well, we have rules.
You made up most of them.
No sleeping over - yours.
No conversations About personal stuff - yours.
The phones-off thing - Definitely yours.
I think the only thing i got In there was "no abba.
" Yeah, and i did not agree To that, by the way.
What the hell is that? It's a - it's a phone.
You take business calls On a cat's head? It's not a business phone.
It's my second phone.
Why do you need A second phone? Why? Why? Why? Why are there 20 guys On a hockey team? You got your goalies, You got your left defensemen, You got your right defensemen, You got your - That was rhetorical.
You got to be kidding me! Sarah, what is going on? It's nothing! It's nothing! I have a new client - Uh, a clown.
A clown? Mm-hmm.
He's a little neurotic, You know? He gets really scared when he Looks at himself in the mirror.
And he cries Tears of a Anyhow, he wanted A special phone That only he had The number to So that he Could feel special, so You expect me To believe this? It's true.
A clown.
Named bingo.
Why do you have A second phone? Marcus, the rules.
Fine.
Hey, look! Kitty's off And back in the purse.
See? Kitty gone! Where did she go? I don't know.
Did she ever exist at all? Ooh! It's spooky! I really like my jersey.
Aren't you worried bingo might Have a tiny-bicycle problem? Or the other 99 Of his friends Took off With the volkswagen? No.
All my focus is on you.
Just a second.
What? I just want to freshen up.
Just in case you're secretly Filming this, i I want you to get A good price.
Hello? Coco! Hey.
Listen, i had to rearrange The top-10 takeout list Because number 5 And number 3 now suck.
I'm in a very private, personal Situation right now, And it's not Cellphone-friendly! Why have you been calling me All night? What are you Talking about? You called me.
That phone is not a toy.
Its ears light up.
It's for emergencies only.
It's not for everyday use.
Sarah, freak, I did not call you.
I've just been sitting here All night minding my - Hey, hold on.
I think my butt Has been calling you.
Oh, coco, come on! Come on, what? It was an accident.
If you can't be responsible For that phone, Then i'm gonna have To take it back.
Fine! Take it back! I never asked for it In the first place! Yeah, That would be just perfect.
I take it back, Then you go into labor, And i miss the whole thing.
Well, if you'd sprung For a phone with a video camera, I could have filmed it For you.
It has a video camera.
It shoots through kitty's eyes.
Really? Cool.
I got to go.
You're out of towels.
I thought you Were gonna be back late.
Didn't quite work out That way.
What are you doing On the floor? I ordered some extra chinese Food for you, if you want.
Are you hungry? I can heat it up.
If you want.
You go in the kitchen.
The kitchen - The room with the fridge.
You can't miss it.
These are mine.
My private letters From matt.
Uh I wasn't reading them.
Just looking At the pictures? Okay, i read them, but only 'Cause your diary was so boring.
You read my diary? Only volume 1, The early years.
What are you doing? Why are you snooping Through my stuff? I wasn't hugged enough? Coco.
Because.
Because why? Because i don't know you, Okay? I mean, i'm sitting here In this giant place, And i'm just thinking, "none of this seems right.
" I mean, who are you? Who is this person Who tracks me down, Who trusts me with keys, Who trusts me to have her baby? Apparently someone Who should have put a lock On her closet door.
I'm sorry, sarah.
I'm trying to figure this out.
I mean, what kind of woman Lives with a man Who discusses Cabinet measurements In his love letters? We were in the middle Of a renovation.
Who folds her underwear up Into tiny little One-inch squares? You went through My underwear drawer? And who has the time To hand-make labels For each one Of her 12 mascaras that say, "i bought this On december 12, 2007"? A person who once spent Three months With a mondo case Of pinkeye - that's who.
What is her life? Just What is going on?! I don't understand.
You like order, You like tidiness, You like dependability.
So? So, why me? I'm none of that.
I don't have a bank account Or a hairbrush Or a sensible bra or a clue.
I don't have any direction.
You will.
No, i won't.
I'm the loser who needs My sister to make lists for me So i know where to get a cup Of coffee.
you don't need a sister Who makes lists.
you have a sister Who makes lists.
Big difference.
Look, i'm not the mysterious one In the relationship, okay? I have a job, a house, And credit cards, Tivo knows what i like Before i do.
You're the mysterious one.
I should be going Through your stuff.
Go ahead.
No.
Why not? Because i only want to know What you want me to know.
And when you want me To know about you - Who you are, Where you've been, Why everything you have Is so dirty - You'll tell me.
I hope.
So, i'll wait.
Good night.
Oh, and it's not that weird - The underwear-folding thing.
This is new york.
Space is at a premium.
Hey.
I went to spain last year With a friend whose parents Have a house in madrid.
And i worked selling mantillas To tourists.
I actually dated a bullfighter For a while.
It was all very ava gardner.
But that's why i missed Dad's 60th birthday party.
He fell asleep Before the cake.
The tradition lives on.
Spain sounds fun.
It was.
Can i ask you one thing? Sure.
Were you joking About the sensible-bra thing? 'Cause sagging Can be a real issue.
Come on.
Let's eat egg rolls.
I - i mean it.
Really.
We've all seen mom At the lake.