The Return of Jezebel James (2008) s01e03 Episode Script
Needles and schlag
I'm leaving in 10 minutes, and I thought we could You're still sleeping.
It's 8:30! Not that early! Fine.
Morning! They didn't have a 30-gallon cup of coffee, but I assumed you were being dramatic - so I brought you this one.
- Buddy, good.
Ring the doorbell.
I'm confused.
- The little button by the door.
- But I have a key.
- Ring the doorbell.
- But I'm already in.
- But I'm your boss! - Ringing! How?! - Why do you need her up? - Because she hasn't chosen her paint colors yet.
What?! But the painters are all set for wednesday.
They're all set for wednesday! - We may have to reschedule.
- No, if we reschedule, we may lose them.
You don't want to lose these guys.
They just touched up the Guggenheim.
I don't know what to do, I called her name, I did the doorbell thing.
Do you have a fire alarm? We could hold a lighter up to the sensor.
- I don't have one.
- What about matches? - That won't be enough smoke.
- Do you have a rag and kerosene? Why are you people talking? - You're up! - I'm not up.
- She's up! - She says she's not.
Whoever that boy is, listen to him.
It's Buddy.
We met.
And I'm not a boy, I'm a man.
I'm wearing a suit.
I was just getting ready to leave for work, so is there anything I need to go over about the house before I do? Because it's your first day alone.
I want you to feel comfortable.
And I'd be happy to go over whatever it is you might be confused about.
You're getting up Good.
Can I go over a few things with you before I leave? - Coffee.
- The painters come on wednesday to do your room.
They are very good, they just touched up the Guggenheim.
Do you recognize me now? All you have to do is pick paint colors.
This morning I put together five different color combinations, each one incorporating ceiling, wall, and trim.
All you have to do is pick.
Number 5.
But you didn't look.
Number 4.
4? Really? Fine, number 5.
I'll tell you what, let's just get rid of number 4, make it easier.
That leaves you with 1, 2, 3, and 5.
But 5's 4 now that 4's gone, so it's 1, 2, 3, and 4, formerly known as 5, or we can keep 5 as 5 if that's easier for you to remember.
So it's 1, 2, 3, and 5.
Yes? Just give me five minutes, okay? Five mines, and then I will look at whatever it takes to stop this conversation.
- Five minutes, fine.
- You don't have that.
- I don't? - You don't.
- You have that meeting with Ethan.
- That's not for two hours.
- Unless his plane lands early.
- Hey! Chip! Dale! Five minutes meant five minutes of you not talking, so Why does this thing not respond to human touch? Sorry, it's programmed, I had it set for when I thought you were getting up.
And when was that? About 20 minutes from now.
You just look at these whenever.
We can always reschedule the painters.
I mean, the Guggenheim's done, so I like 2.
Sososeries, Pucina, Miniben314 et jayson.
sosweet.
They on their way? The plane landed on time.
They're in the car and en route as we speak.
Marcus, finally! You're late! Late? You demanded that I come at the last second.
I had to change my 9:00, which pushed my 10:00, which dinged my lunch, so this better be very, very What are you doing? And a little lower, please.
Don't give them back to him until he's done.
Done what? I need you to read something.
It's aook I'm trying to acquire, - and I want your opinion.
- I don't have time to read all this.
Just 20 pages.
That's all you need to read.
But I'm warning you, as soon as I see the words "her first period," I'm coming back out.
Call again.
See how close they are now.
Good.
Oh, god.
My heart.
- Hey, Paget.
- How can you work down here? - Everything's staring at you.
- What can I do for you? I need a favor.
My sister's daughter is turning 6 or 7 or 8 on saturday, and I need one of the ducky books for her party.
- The ducky books are Molly's.
- No.
Can you ask her? She always talks down to me.
What must that be like? But I'm looking out for you when I do it.
You're wasting your talents on kiddy books when you could easily be upstairs with me, working with real writers who do important work.
You could wear grown-up clothes and get a serious haircut.
I want that for you, especially the haircut.
Yeah, normally more.
We just send rejections by mail, but I wanted to give this one to you personally.
You remember my friend? She works upstairs in literary.
Forget it.
I'll just give the kids "slaughterhouse-five.
" Sarah, phone.
- He didn't try to escape, did he? - No.
He's been very quiet.
I can't make this stereo work.
Did you read the brochures I put by your bed? I don't have a bed.
Did you check the brochures I put by the couch you're using for a bed? - Why do you keep calling them brochures? - That's what they're called.
- No.
- You know what I mean.
Yes, but what's the word? - Brochures.
- No, it's not brochures.
- This is gonna drive me crazy.
- The thing that tells you how to use the thing.
Manuals.
Yes, thank you.
No, I did not read the manuals.
- Do you want me to hang on while you do? - Can't you just tell me? I have no idea.
I always consult the brochures.
Manuals! Never mind.
I'll just figure it out myself.
Don't forget the furniture's being delivered today.
I left a furniture layout on the kitchen table.
Make sure they follow it.
- You're hanging up on me, aren't you? - What? So paranoid.
Lo siento, lo siento mucho.
I'm Coco.
I'm Sarah's sister.
¿Como la bebida? Yes, exactly.
"Cocoa," like the drink.
Soy Carmen.
Nice to meet you.
Actually, I was just trying to figure It's like "Bewitched" in here.
Which one of you is dr.
Bombay? ¿quién es esa? Se llama Coco, como la bebida.
Música, aprieta los botones rojos.
Great! Thank you! Furniture delivery! Wait, what did you press?! Todo va en la sala.
Le pones esta butaca aquÃ, esta banqueta en la chimenea, y esta mesa me la pones ac.
Bing, boom, ba! Y hay que seguir especificaciones Carmen, I'm gonna be in Sarah's room.
I'll be down in a minute to look at that washer.
I'm at your house.
I brought over a humidifier.
The steam comes out a little intense in the beginning.
I'd point it away from the windows, and your face.
Basically, I wouldn't stand anywhere near it.
Sure, dad.
Sounds great.
Time's up.
The first 20 pages are good.
- You like it.
- A lot.
Who wrote it? - A 15-year-old boy.
- 15? You're kidding.
- Homeschool-genius type.
- I was a schlump at 15.
- He's already graduated Harvard.
- All I did was watch TV and play Donkey Kong.
- This could be big.
- This is that book for boys you've been looking for.
We put him on a book tour at the drop date.
I'm telling you, sign this kid now.
The family's on their way to meet as we speak.
Excuse me.
Sarah They're here! I'll be right back.
Did you notice the way I said, "they're here"? 'Cause I did that on purpose.
- Buddy, stop.
- They're from Iowa.
Are you really gonna be a snob in that suit? One day, I will get a second suit.
They, on the other hand, will still be in a jug band.
Hello, there.
Sarah Tompkins.
We're the Mccormicks.
Rose, Darryl.
It's a big fancy building you got here.
- And you must be Ethan.
- Greetings and salutations.
"Charlotte's Web," E.
B.
White, published in 1952.
Lost the newbery award to "Secret Of The Andes" by Ann Nolan Clark.
Awards.
First edition Shel Silverstein, cool.
I read Ethan's manuscript twice already.
- Yeah, it's long.
- It's really long.
- It's great.
It's genius.
- I bet I've read every book in here.
I've read that one, that one, that one.
I've got a great day planned for your first visit to New York.
Read that in german.
Read that in french.
- Skimmed that in italian.
- First, I've got some great seats to the Knicks game.
Read that in russian.
Read that in dutch.
- We don't believe in competitive sports.
- Found a typo.
I guess I can move our lunch reservations up.
We ate on the plane.
This is New York.
I'm sure we can find something fun for Ethan to do.
- What does he like? - Outdated encyclopedias.
That's a start.
- Could you get a picture of us in front of that printer? - Of course.
Guess where I spent the last three hours.
I love this game.
Cheerleading camp? Bed, bath & beyond.
Why? Because Ethan likes towels.
- What happened to the Knicks game? - Apparently, competitive sports, infantilizes boys.
It makes them unable to relate to the opposite sex.
What does that mean? Ethan really likes towels! Anyhow, there we were, racing shopping carts up the conveyor belt and turning dish racks into forts, and while he was jumping on a bed display that he broke so I had to buy it, I talked him into letting his main character live so that there could be a sequel, and I think I landed this.
I can feel it! He's mine! What happened to the Knicks tickets? - Did you hear anything I just said? - You said you went somewhere, that didn't involve Knicks tickets.
After that.
Jane's got courtside.
I would have killed for those tickets.
I gave them to Buddy.
Buddy monitors geese migrations.
I got to go.
Wait, hold on.
- What are you wearing? - Way too late.
Hello, gorgeous! What do you think of the new furniture?! Oh, boy.
What are you doing in there? Dad came over again, so I hid 'cause I didn't want to talk to him, and then he was here forever, so I fell asleep.
This is my life now, sleeping on the floor of your closet with your 14 pairs of black boots, which are all identical, by the way.
I want to get a job.
Fine.
Get a job.
Cowboy, ballerina, astronaut.
I don't have a place here.
I don't know what to do or where to go, and I can't just sit around watching your staff tend the manor.
What staff? Dad, the plant guy, your maid Carmen.
You mean my maid Tina? - No, your maid Carmen.
- No, Tina.
Tall, skinny Tina.
No, Carmen.
Short, fat Carmen.
Wait a minute.
The point is, I have nowhere to go or sit or be.
Tina, hi.
It's Sarah Tompkins.
You're welcome for the christmas popcorn tin.
Were you here today? And how long has your sister Carmen been three years That's a long time.
She's been doing a great job.
I should give Carmen a raise and a key.
- How does she get in here? - Can we come back to me, please?! I'll call you back.
You want a job? Fine.
I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow, after your doctor's appointment, I'll take you by the temp agency and get you signed up.
How does that sound? What doctor's appointment? Tomorrow afternoon, you're going to go to my gynecologist.
I told you! They got to do a whole exam thing, get things rolling.
- I don't remember that.
- Well, it happened.
Next time, I'll bring a notary.
So what if it did happen? Maybe I don't want to go to your doctor.
Maybe I want to go to my own doctor.
- You have a doctor? - Yes.
What's his name? Dr.
Amigoshian.
Who's dr.
Amigoshian? A very good doctor who was voted top 10 gynecologist three years in a row.
By who? I don't know.
It was on the sign.
- What sign? - The bus-stop sign! You're not going to a bus-stop doctor! I have no free will! I can make no choices about my own life! No, you have choices.
I gave you choices.
I gave you ceiling choices, and trim choices, and you chose to ignore them.
So you are going to my doctor.
A doctor with cotton balls, antiseptic, and a diploma.
This is one choice I'm taking away from you.
No, sorry, two.
I bought you a bed! It's pink, it's small, and it's broken, so frickin' sue me! I can fill out the insurance part.
She says for the 14th time.
I could fill out your address and phone number, too.
She says for the 15th time.
I'm just trying to lighten your workload.
Yes, it is taxing trying to remember my middle name.
Is it Charo? I won't say another word.
She promises for the 30 millionth Eyes! You have to be honest with your doctor.
- I am being honest.
- Six? Yeah, six.
You've been with six sexual partners? You've only been with six sexual partners your entire life? You were on the road with a band! I was dating the drummer.
I know what happens with bands.
This was not Fleetwood Mac.
It was a punk trio.
Two were girls, and when Josh and I broke up, I went home.
We're counting girls, too.
Six! I have to say, I'm surprised.
I'm very surprised.
- How many guys have you slept with? - I don't know.
Who keeps count? You do.
Is that a lot? No, but you're done, right? I went to college.
You didn't go to college.
That time, it was It was free love.
It was a different era.
It was 1992.
You were just a slut.
- Caroline Tompkins? - Yeah, right here.
What are you doing? - I'm going with you.
- Like hell you are.
She's my doctor.
She doesn't know you.
She's about to know me real well.
- But - Sit! Don't screw anyone while I'm gone.
That's my sister.
We have this bit where she says humiliating things to me in public, like I'm a slut, which I'm not.
I'm an editor, actually, so Now I'm going to edit.
Get the hell away from me! - But I have to - Stop it! Could you come inside for a sec? Thanks.
Look who I've got here It's your sister.
Hi, Coco, It's me.
Is something wrong? You never mentioned needles.
- What? - I was just trying to get blood.
- With a giant needle! - It was a normal needle.
It was not a normal needle, It was a giant, giant needle! It was the Brad Garrett of needles.
Why don't we all just calm down here? Oh, god, you never said anything about giving blood.
But you read all those pregnancy books.
So? So there were pages and pages of disgusting pictures, with graphic descriptions of dilation, and you didn't pick up on the fact that somebody might have to take some blood? I can't do needles.
Needles hurt.
- Call it "cheedles.
" - I'm serious.
You remember the time mom broke her jaw? Measles vaccination, that was the last time I went to a doctor.
But you were 8.
- Mom wasn't gonna take me.
- Okay, fine.
- Does she have to give blood? - Yes.
Can I give it for her? No.
Can we put her out or something? We don't put people out to draw blood.
But I'll pay for it, top-shelf stuff.
I need her to give her blood by herself or the doctor can't run the proper tests.
You don't have to throw the word "tests" around.
They need it from you, honey.
- But I don't wanna.
- I know.
But you're such a brave girl.
- I am? - Yeah.
Maybe later, we can get steak.
Rubber tube - A rubber tube around my arm - And german potatoes, and pecan pie.
What's she doing now? Don't think about it.
Just look at me.
You've got to, S-M-I-L-E smile, to be H-A-double-P-Y, keep it in mind when you're blue, it's just as easy to spell and just as easy to do.
What are you doing? I'm trying to calm you down.
- Why would that calm me down? - It was your favorite song as a kid.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
I never heard that song in my life.
Of course you have.
Shirley Temple, "Stowaway"! - You've got to S-M-I-L-E - Done.
Really? It's never as bad as you think.
I guess not.
Everything's calm here, right? Right.
I'll just go back to the waiting room and wait out there.
Wait.
Stay.
Really? Yeah.
I'll just sit over here on this stool here.
Very quiet.
Little church mouse.
Cold.
You've got to S-M-I-L-E smile.
I got Peter Luger's steak, creamed spinach, and schlag.
I see you found your bed.
Kindergarten chic is really in right now.
This is Sarah.
I've been trying to get you all day.
The children of the corn called.
Mrs.
Corn told me to tell you that Ethan loved the towels, but apparently, random house took them to the container store, and he got 100 plastic shoeboxes, which he promptly turned into an ancient padawan village.
Your guess is as good as mine.
And now they need some time to think.
Tell me you're kidding.
They also asked me if I have accepted Christ as my personal savior.
I told them that I would check with you first.
We're starting with the schlag.
Bad phone call? Just thought I had something covered that I didn't.
I know that feeling well.
How's your arm? Sore.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
You know, there are gonna be a lot more needles and blood tests coming up, a lot.
And some other not-so-delightful things are going to happen.
The pamphlet on vaginal-reconstruction surgery was a truly fun read.
This is big.
It's really big.
I would totally understand if you wanted to back out.
I mean it.
I'll be fine.
A momentary blip.
Number 2.
Excellent choice.
Why do you have this record? I've never heard this song in my life.
I'm gonna get my baton!
It's 8:30! Not that early! Fine.
Morning! They didn't have a 30-gallon cup of coffee, but I assumed you were being dramatic - so I brought you this one.
- Buddy, good.
Ring the doorbell.
I'm confused.
- The little button by the door.
- But I have a key.
- Ring the doorbell.
- But I'm already in.
- But I'm your boss! - Ringing! How?! - Why do you need her up? - Because she hasn't chosen her paint colors yet.
What?! But the painters are all set for wednesday.
They're all set for wednesday! - We may have to reschedule.
- No, if we reschedule, we may lose them.
You don't want to lose these guys.
They just touched up the Guggenheim.
I don't know what to do, I called her name, I did the doorbell thing.
Do you have a fire alarm? We could hold a lighter up to the sensor.
- I don't have one.
- What about matches? - That won't be enough smoke.
- Do you have a rag and kerosene? Why are you people talking? - You're up! - I'm not up.
- She's up! - She says she's not.
Whoever that boy is, listen to him.
It's Buddy.
We met.
And I'm not a boy, I'm a man.
I'm wearing a suit.
I was just getting ready to leave for work, so is there anything I need to go over about the house before I do? Because it's your first day alone.
I want you to feel comfortable.
And I'd be happy to go over whatever it is you might be confused about.
You're getting up Good.
Can I go over a few things with you before I leave? - Coffee.
- The painters come on wednesday to do your room.
They are very good, they just touched up the Guggenheim.
Do you recognize me now? All you have to do is pick paint colors.
This morning I put together five different color combinations, each one incorporating ceiling, wall, and trim.
All you have to do is pick.
Number 5.
But you didn't look.
Number 4.
4? Really? Fine, number 5.
I'll tell you what, let's just get rid of number 4, make it easier.
That leaves you with 1, 2, 3, and 5.
But 5's 4 now that 4's gone, so it's 1, 2, 3, and 4, formerly known as 5, or we can keep 5 as 5 if that's easier for you to remember.
So it's 1, 2, 3, and 5.
Yes? Just give me five minutes, okay? Five mines, and then I will look at whatever it takes to stop this conversation.
- Five minutes, fine.
- You don't have that.
- I don't? - You don't.
- You have that meeting with Ethan.
- That's not for two hours.
- Unless his plane lands early.
- Hey! Chip! Dale! Five minutes meant five minutes of you not talking, so Why does this thing not respond to human touch? Sorry, it's programmed, I had it set for when I thought you were getting up.
And when was that? About 20 minutes from now.
You just look at these whenever.
We can always reschedule the painters.
I mean, the Guggenheim's done, so I like 2.
Sososeries, Pucina, Miniben314 et jayson.
sosweet.
They on their way? The plane landed on time.
They're in the car and en route as we speak.
Marcus, finally! You're late! Late? You demanded that I come at the last second.
I had to change my 9:00, which pushed my 10:00, which dinged my lunch, so this better be very, very What are you doing? And a little lower, please.
Don't give them back to him until he's done.
Done what? I need you to read something.
It's aook I'm trying to acquire, - and I want your opinion.
- I don't have time to read all this.
Just 20 pages.
That's all you need to read.
But I'm warning you, as soon as I see the words "her first period," I'm coming back out.
Call again.
See how close they are now.
Good.
Oh, god.
My heart.
- Hey, Paget.
- How can you work down here? - Everything's staring at you.
- What can I do for you? I need a favor.
My sister's daughter is turning 6 or 7 or 8 on saturday, and I need one of the ducky books for her party.
- The ducky books are Molly's.
- No.
Can you ask her? She always talks down to me.
What must that be like? But I'm looking out for you when I do it.
You're wasting your talents on kiddy books when you could easily be upstairs with me, working with real writers who do important work.
You could wear grown-up clothes and get a serious haircut.
I want that for you, especially the haircut.
Yeah, normally more.
We just send rejections by mail, but I wanted to give this one to you personally.
You remember my friend? She works upstairs in literary.
Forget it.
I'll just give the kids "slaughterhouse-five.
" Sarah, phone.
- He didn't try to escape, did he? - No.
He's been very quiet.
I can't make this stereo work.
Did you read the brochures I put by your bed? I don't have a bed.
Did you check the brochures I put by the couch you're using for a bed? - Why do you keep calling them brochures? - That's what they're called.
- No.
- You know what I mean.
Yes, but what's the word? - Brochures.
- No, it's not brochures.
- This is gonna drive me crazy.
- The thing that tells you how to use the thing.
Manuals.
Yes, thank you.
No, I did not read the manuals.
- Do you want me to hang on while you do? - Can't you just tell me? I have no idea.
I always consult the brochures.
Manuals! Never mind.
I'll just figure it out myself.
Don't forget the furniture's being delivered today.
I left a furniture layout on the kitchen table.
Make sure they follow it.
- You're hanging up on me, aren't you? - What? So paranoid.
Lo siento, lo siento mucho.
I'm Coco.
I'm Sarah's sister.
¿Como la bebida? Yes, exactly.
"Cocoa," like the drink.
Soy Carmen.
Nice to meet you.
Actually, I was just trying to figure It's like "Bewitched" in here.
Which one of you is dr.
Bombay? ¿quién es esa? Se llama Coco, como la bebida.
Música, aprieta los botones rojos.
Great! Thank you! Furniture delivery! Wait, what did you press?! Todo va en la sala.
Le pones esta butaca aquÃ, esta banqueta en la chimenea, y esta mesa me la pones ac.
Bing, boom, ba! Y hay que seguir especificaciones Carmen, I'm gonna be in Sarah's room.
I'll be down in a minute to look at that washer.
I'm at your house.
I brought over a humidifier.
The steam comes out a little intense in the beginning.
I'd point it away from the windows, and your face.
Basically, I wouldn't stand anywhere near it.
Sure, dad.
Sounds great.
Time's up.
The first 20 pages are good.
- You like it.
- A lot.
Who wrote it? - A 15-year-old boy.
- 15? You're kidding.
- Homeschool-genius type.
- I was a schlump at 15.
- He's already graduated Harvard.
- All I did was watch TV and play Donkey Kong.
- This could be big.
- This is that book for boys you've been looking for.
We put him on a book tour at the drop date.
I'm telling you, sign this kid now.
The family's on their way to meet as we speak.
Excuse me.
Sarah They're here! I'll be right back.
Did you notice the way I said, "they're here"? 'Cause I did that on purpose.
- Buddy, stop.
- They're from Iowa.
Are you really gonna be a snob in that suit? One day, I will get a second suit.
They, on the other hand, will still be in a jug band.
Hello, there.
Sarah Tompkins.
We're the Mccormicks.
Rose, Darryl.
It's a big fancy building you got here.
- And you must be Ethan.
- Greetings and salutations.
"Charlotte's Web," E.
B.
White, published in 1952.
Lost the newbery award to "Secret Of The Andes" by Ann Nolan Clark.
Awards.
First edition Shel Silverstein, cool.
I read Ethan's manuscript twice already.
- Yeah, it's long.
- It's really long.
- It's great.
It's genius.
- I bet I've read every book in here.
I've read that one, that one, that one.
I've got a great day planned for your first visit to New York.
Read that in german.
Read that in french.
- Skimmed that in italian.
- First, I've got some great seats to the Knicks game.
Read that in russian.
Read that in dutch.
- We don't believe in competitive sports.
- Found a typo.
I guess I can move our lunch reservations up.
We ate on the plane.
This is New York.
I'm sure we can find something fun for Ethan to do.
- What does he like? - Outdated encyclopedias.
That's a start.
- Could you get a picture of us in front of that printer? - Of course.
Guess where I spent the last three hours.
I love this game.
Cheerleading camp? Bed, bath & beyond.
Why? Because Ethan likes towels.
- What happened to the Knicks game? - Apparently, competitive sports, infantilizes boys.
It makes them unable to relate to the opposite sex.
What does that mean? Ethan really likes towels! Anyhow, there we were, racing shopping carts up the conveyor belt and turning dish racks into forts, and while he was jumping on a bed display that he broke so I had to buy it, I talked him into letting his main character live so that there could be a sequel, and I think I landed this.
I can feel it! He's mine! What happened to the Knicks tickets? - Did you hear anything I just said? - You said you went somewhere, that didn't involve Knicks tickets.
After that.
Jane's got courtside.
I would have killed for those tickets.
I gave them to Buddy.
Buddy monitors geese migrations.
I got to go.
Wait, hold on.
- What are you wearing? - Way too late.
Hello, gorgeous! What do you think of the new furniture?! Oh, boy.
What are you doing in there? Dad came over again, so I hid 'cause I didn't want to talk to him, and then he was here forever, so I fell asleep.
This is my life now, sleeping on the floor of your closet with your 14 pairs of black boots, which are all identical, by the way.
I want to get a job.
Fine.
Get a job.
Cowboy, ballerina, astronaut.
I don't have a place here.
I don't know what to do or where to go, and I can't just sit around watching your staff tend the manor.
What staff? Dad, the plant guy, your maid Carmen.
You mean my maid Tina? - No, your maid Carmen.
- No, Tina.
Tall, skinny Tina.
No, Carmen.
Short, fat Carmen.
Wait a minute.
The point is, I have nowhere to go or sit or be.
Tina, hi.
It's Sarah Tompkins.
You're welcome for the christmas popcorn tin.
Were you here today? And how long has your sister Carmen been three years That's a long time.
She's been doing a great job.
I should give Carmen a raise and a key.
- How does she get in here? - Can we come back to me, please?! I'll call you back.
You want a job? Fine.
I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow, after your doctor's appointment, I'll take you by the temp agency and get you signed up.
How does that sound? What doctor's appointment? Tomorrow afternoon, you're going to go to my gynecologist.
I told you! They got to do a whole exam thing, get things rolling.
- I don't remember that.
- Well, it happened.
Next time, I'll bring a notary.
So what if it did happen? Maybe I don't want to go to your doctor.
Maybe I want to go to my own doctor.
- You have a doctor? - Yes.
What's his name? Dr.
Amigoshian.
Who's dr.
Amigoshian? A very good doctor who was voted top 10 gynecologist three years in a row.
By who? I don't know.
It was on the sign.
- What sign? - The bus-stop sign! You're not going to a bus-stop doctor! I have no free will! I can make no choices about my own life! No, you have choices.
I gave you choices.
I gave you ceiling choices, and trim choices, and you chose to ignore them.
So you are going to my doctor.
A doctor with cotton balls, antiseptic, and a diploma.
This is one choice I'm taking away from you.
No, sorry, two.
I bought you a bed! It's pink, it's small, and it's broken, so frickin' sue me! I can fill out the insurance part.
She says for the 14th time.
I could fill out your address and phone number, too.
She says for the 15th time.
I'm just trying to lighten your workload.
Yes, it is taxing trying to remember my middle name.
Is it Charo? I won't say another word.
She promises for the 30 millionth Eyes! You have to be honest with your doctor.
- I am being honest.
- Six? Yeah, six.
You've been with six sexual partners? You've only been with six sexual partners your entire life? You were on the road with a band! I was dating the drummer.
I know what happens with bands.
This was not Fleetwood Mac.
It was a punk trio.
Two were girls, and when Josh and I broke up, I went home.
We're counting girls, too.
Six! I have to say, I'm surprised.
I'm very surprised.
- How many guys have you slept with? - I don't know.
Who keeps count? You do.
Is that a lot? No, but you're done, right? I went to college.
You didn't go to college.
That time, it was It was free love.
It was a different era.
It was 1992.
You were just a slut.
- Caroline Tompkins? - Yeah, right here.
What are you doing? - I'm going with you.
- Like hell you are.
She's my doctor.
She doesn't know you.
She's about to know me real well.
- But - Sit! Don't screw anyone while I'm gone.
That's my sister.
We have this bit where she says humiliating things to me in public, like I'm a slut, which I'm not.
I'm an editor, actually, so Now I'm going to edit.
Get the hell away from me! - But I have to - Stop it! Could you come inside for a sec? Thanks.
Look who I've got here It's your sister.
Hi, Coco, It's me.
Is something wrong? You never mentioned needles.
- What? - I was just trying to get blood.
- With a giant needle! - It was a normal needle.
It was not a normal needle, It was a giant, giant needle! It was the Brad Garrett of needles.
Why don't we all just calm down here? Oh, god, you never said anything about giving blood.
But you read all those pregnancy books.
So? So there were pages and pages of disgusting pictures, with graphic descriptions of dilation, and you didn't pick up on the fact that somebody might have to take some blood? I can't do needles.
Needles hurt.
- Call it "cheedles.
" - I'm serious.
You remember the time mom broke her jaw? Measles vaccination, that was the last time I went to a doctor.
But you were 8.
- Mom wasn't gonna take me.
- Okay, fine.
- Does she have to give blood? - Yes.
Can I give it for her? No.
Can we put her out or something? We don't put people out to draw blood.
But I'll pay for it, top-shelf stuff.
I need her to give her blood by herself or the doctor can't run the proper tests.
You don't have to throw the word "tests" around.
They need it from you, honey.
- But I don't wanna.
- I know.
But you're such a brave girl.
- I am? - Yeah.
Maybe later, we can get steak.
Rubber tube - A rubber tube around my arm - And german potatoes, and pecan pie.
What's she doing now? Don't think about it.
Just look at me.
You've got to, S-M-I-L-E smile, to be H-A-double-P-Y, keep it in mind when you're blue, it's just as easy to spell and just as easy to do.
What are you doing? I'm trying to calm you down.
- Why would that calm me down? - It was your favorite song as a kid.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
I never heard that song in my life.
Of course you have.
Shirley Temple, "Stowaway"! - You've got to S-M-I-L-E - Done.
Really? It's never as bad as you think.
I guess not.
Everything's calm here, right? Right.
I'll just go back to the waiting room and wait out there.
Wait.
Stay.
Really? Yeah.
I'll just sit over here on this stool here.
Very quiet.
Little church mouse.
Cold.
You've got to S-M-I-L-E smile.
I got Peter Luger's steak, creamed spinach, and schlag.
I see you found your bed.
Kindergarten chic is really in right now.
This is Sarah.
I've been trying to get you all day.
The children of the corn called.
Mrs.
Corn told me to tell you that Ethan loved the towels, but apparently, random house took them to the container store, and he got 100 plastic shoeboxes, which he promptly turned into an ancient padawan village.
Your guess is as good as mine.
And now they need some time to think.
Tell me you're kidding.
They also asked me if I have accepted Christ as my personal savior.
I told them that I would check with you first.
We're starting with the schlag.
Bad phone call? Just thought I had something covered that I didn't.
I know that feeling well.
How's your arm? Sore.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I'm just glad it's over.
You know, there are gonna be a lot more needles and blood tests coming up, a lot.
And some other not-so-delightful things are going to happen.
The pamphlet on vaginal-reconstruction surgery was a truly fun read.
This is big.
It's really big.
I would totally understand if you wanted to back out.
I mean it.
I'll be fine.
A momentary blip.
Number 2.
Excellent choice.
Why do you have this record? I've never heard this song in my life.
I'm gonna get my baton!