The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s01e06 Episode Script


Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I'm just like you.
I live in Valley Village, I don't have a job, and my sister pays my rent.
That's my sister, Laura.
She's great 'cause she's a nurse.
So if I need money, she makes it.
These are my neighbours, Brian and Steve.
They're gigantic, orange and gay.
This is Doug.
I found him in the trash.
Let's see, what else? Some people call me on the phone.
My parents are dead.
I like cookies.
What are we doing this for? Does anyone know what this is for? - You're out of control, renegade.
- No, I'm not.
spaghetti shaped like people.
Have you ever been in this situation? Hell, you could not be in it.
Orange juice coming down from the Hi, welcome to the show.
We're going to be making serious - Hello? - Hi.
Sarah, it's Natalie.
Natalie, tall, thin Natalie or Natalie Bishop? - Natalie Bishop.
- Hi.
How are you? I'm good.
So, I'm actually moving tomorrow, and I was thinking it'd be fun to just have all my friends come over, and I'll buy beer and pizza, and we'll make it a party.
- What a fun idea for a party.
- I don't know if you're interested.
Natalie, of course I'm interested in moving your furniture for a piece of pizza.
I'm only human.
- Hold on.
- Sure.
You're a dog.
- Natalie.
- Sarah? - I have to deal with this.
- Sarah! - I can't.
- What's wrong? We have gotten lots of donations, but it's just not enough.
Remember, these are children that are dying.
Dying like a fox.
I want to show you some footage right now of little Peter.
Peter is 10 years old and has leukaemia.
You might be able to flip away, but we can't.
We're going to be visiting with children like Peter for the next 36 hours.
These disturbing images don't have to be real.
You can make them disappear with just a few dollars.
Oh, my God, he's right.
We could use your money to help him That solves that problem, but if I'm ever gonna change channels again, I'm gonna have to get some batteries.
Right, Doug? What is this? This isn't my brand.
You are so stupid! You'll never be able to go to the store and buy anything without screwing it up! Jacket.
Sarah Silverman.
Hi, Mrs Ramstack.
Seems like you're always coming and going.
Well, you do stand outside the building all day.
I mean, if you lived in my toilet, you'd think I was always peeing, right? What is this? I mean, it was a mess.
My cat ate a whole bag of candy this morning.
Yeah, I know.
I bet him he couldn't do it.
- Here we go.
- Bitch alert.
- Hey.
- What's this? What's it look like? - Some kind of anti-leg protest? - Wheelchair marathon.
That's awesome.
I just need to scoot over.
No crossing during the marathon.
I literally have to go there.
Look, lady.
Let me put it to you this way.
The only difference between this marathon and a river of molten lava is that everyone it touches gets inspired instead of burnt to death.
I'll just go around.
- It's funny.
- Yeah.
Yeah, laugh it up.
You know what? I'll show you and everyone here the real meaning of overcoming a physical challenge! That sounded really serious.
- Well, she yelled.
- Yeah, that's what it was.
Get out of the way.
You've gotta be kidding.
You make a better door than a window! And here it is.
Yes! Hey, Mr Johnson.
Sarah Sunshine.
I haven't seen you in a while.
I know.
I'm a total homebody, you know? Yeah, not really.
No, you're sitting here begging for change so you can renovate your kitchen.
I'm so insensitive.
Where's your doggy? I don't have a dog.
That's the guy around the corner by the post office.
I knew that.
God, I don't even know why I would confuse you two.
You're Vietnam.
You're the big V, you know.
You were in the suck, rice paddies, invisible enemies, bullets coming down like rain, government experiments.
I mean, I can't even imagine that.
High school is the closest thing I can imagine to that.
You know what I mean? 'Cause it's cliquey.
- You got it.
Yeah, that's me.
- See? I'm a good person.
I remember.
- Sarah, how about some spare change? - Of course.
Oh, my God.
I'm about to walk in to a store with zero cash.
I'm such a bum.
I'll see you later, Mr Johnson! - But what if I die? - You, too.
It's so good.
You're not eating anything.
Hey! Laura, I have to tell you something about Mom.
- What is it? - Before she died, she borrowed five dollars from me and she told me to get it from you.
Again? All right.
Well, we're having brunch at Joseph's so why don't you just come down here? What side of the wheelchair parade is that on? West.
Perfect, I'm starving.
I'll be there in a minute.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Wait.
- What? - Why wasn't I invited? Well, Natalie said you had some kind of emergency.
Yeah, I stubbed my vagina.
- You can stub it? - I can.
I don't know about you.
All right, well, just come down here.
Okay, bye.
- Wait! - What? - Who all is there? - Natalie, Brian, Steve.
- Straight Steve or gay Steve? - Straight Steve.
- Quit eating off of my plate! - Straight Steve that is actually straight, or straight Steve that we call straight Steve, like, ironically - 'cause he's so gay? - The latter.
The latter.
All right, Frasier, I'll be right over.
- Great.
- See you latter.
Click! Now let's get something in your belly before you get cranky.
- Hey! Same car! - Hey! Same car! - Do you have any soups? - Split pea or lentil.
I'll have the latter.
So, Natalie, I was really, really sorry to hear about your dad.
What happened? My dad was just diagnosed with liver cancer.
Oh, my God, that's so bizarre.
You guys, my remote needs batteries.
Everybody be careful.
These things happen in threes.
Why don't you just go to Fan-tasti-mart and buy new batteries? Why doesn't Natalie just go to Fan-tasti-mart and buy her father alive again, Brian? - He's alive.
He's just sick.
- Natalie, please.
Listen, I don't want to fight.
Right, brunch is supposed to be an escape from the liver cancers - and the batteries of life.
- Here, here! Actually, I heard that brunch is an escape from 'Cause see, I always thought that it was more a matter of Wait! Wait! You guys are both wrong because I read I heard in, read in Newsweek where they say that they It's Latin, that the word brunch comes from the Latin I pooped.
I just tried to be like the others But I pooped instead I tried to join in with my brothers I pooped instead And I wish it never happened That's what I wish And I also wish so many things I wish every child had a mother That's what I wish I wish we could love one another If I had one wish And I wish all the nations belonged to one world And I wish our religion was love And I wish the retarded were re-smarted That's what I wish That's what I wish Hello, Sarah.
Are you God's black friend? Sarah, your song was so passionate, so selfless, it has risen above the sound of a billion prayers.
I want you to pick one wish, and I will grant it.
All you have to do is choose.
Actually, I heard that brunch is an escape from 'Cause see, I always thought that it was more a matter of You guys are both wrong.
According to Newsweek, "brunch" comes from the Latin And on that note, brunch is on you.
- I only have three dollars.
- Fag.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I don't mean "fag" like homosexual, I mean "fag" like, retard.
- It's cool.
- Yeah, it is cool.
Pickles? Actually, it's like an AIDS quilt but it has pictures of your family on it.
Especially Look what I got.
- All right.
- Yeah, battery time, baby! - Hi, there.
- Hello.
I need four double-A batteries.
- They're right there.
- Excellent.
And I need four of them.
- $3.
- Okay, I have three.
- Then I can't give you these batteries.
- What are you saying, I can't have your product because I don't have the right number of money? I need these batteries, okay.
My apartment is being flooded with some really upsetting images, sick children.
And I don't mean sick like, "I have to stay home from school.
" I mean, like sick.
Like, dying sick, like him.
Oh, my God.
He's dying.
Guess I'm not the only one in the world with problems.
It feels good to give.
Maybe you could feel good, like, with batteries.
I'm not gonna give you free batteries just because you donated Nice sunglasses.
Now they're floor glasses.
- I'm calling the police.
- Then I might as well do this.
Hey, come back here.
Mr Johnson, that guy is VC.
Charlie! - Help! Police! - Hey, what's going on? A girl ripped me off.
She's getting away! She's a white female, kind of Jew-y, but totally hot, not out-of-your-league hot, just cute, long neck, really nice skin, she could easily pass for 20.
- Dispatch, we have a black male - White female.
Sorry, sorry, force of habit.
All units be on the lookout for a white female.
Repeat, the suspect is not a black male.
Let me guess, last seen with the tooth fairy.
You'll never be able to go to the store and buy anything without screwing it up.
Black God! Black God! Please, I need your help.
I wish for you to help me.
What is it now, Sarah? Black God, please get rid of those police so I may steal these batteries.
Sarah Jane Anastasia Silverman.
Have you committed a single act today that was not in your own interest? You are the most selfish, racist, manipulative, lazy, pompous human being alive today.
Totally, totally granted.
I'm a terrible person, but, I mean, maybe you put me on this earth for a reason.
You must've, right? I mean, maybe it was so that I could learn something, and I've learned already so much today.
- Go on.
- Well, I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons, which to me seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say? And I learned that you exist and that you're black, and I think that's amazing.
I mean, I'm not one of those people who's like, "God is black.
Is he going to steal the moon or something?" And finally, I learned that giving is its own reward, which is really, you know, kind of like saying that there's no reward for giving.
I mean, unless you're, like, really into the process of giving, that's a reward to you, but, I mean, how many people I mean, I don't know.
Could you meet me halfway? You're kind of breaking my balls.
All right.
Just one more time, Sarah.
Bugles! - Are you satisfied now, Sarah? - God, thank you so much.
First of all, I love Bugles, and second of all, I promise from now on I'm going to be a totally good person.
I have faith in you.
You're a little monkey, aren't you? Who made you, monkey? - Who created you? - You did! I had a really good time last night.
A really, really good time.
Me, too.
Come to heaven with me today.
Today? You'll see the past and the future.
You can fly, and I will introduce you to Thomas Jefferson.
I told my friend Natalie I'd help her move, though.
- I can stop time.
- That is so sweet.
Your pants are over there.
I mean, not like I'm asking you to leave.
I just mean, like, if you can't see it from this angle of still being in my bed.
I should go.
Okay, all right, so I guess I'll see you around sometime.
Do you mean it or are you just saying that? I don't just say things.
I'm a lot of things.
I'm not dishonest.
- Can I get your cell number? - I don't have a cell phone.
Like, I This I have a, you know, like a PalmPilot-y, like a Blackberry-ish I don't know, would you call this a phone? - Hello.
- Are you coming to help Natalie move? I can't.
I have to help my friend Natalie move today.
- So you are coming? - Yeah, no.
I can't.
- Sarah? - All right.
I love you, too, Nana.
My nana.
Your nana died five years ago.
- Your nana died five years ago.
- Okay, look.
I get it, okay? I get it.
- I'm going.
- Busy day? I'm sorry for liking you.
Batteries! So long, leukaemia kids.
Don't spend all that money on drugs.
Please help me.
I'm so proud of you, Sarah.
Daddy? Daddy.
Daddy! You really did it, kiddo.
You went to the store, and you bought something, and you brought it back.
I'm so proud.
- I knew you could do it.
- Daddy.
- What are you doing? - I'm loving you.
Black God! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- That's rude.
- I know.
I almost never do this.
As if anything couldn't get worse today.
Hey, you're that kid.
What are you laughing at? I wish every child had a mother That's what I wish I wish we could love one another If I had one wish And I wish all the nations belonged to one world And I wish our religion was love