The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s03e01 Episode Script

The Proof is in the Penis

so did you do anything handsome at work today? oh, as a matter of fact i did, yeah.
i said something really cool to this guy that busted, right.
and it was over on vale street.
i says, uh, "hey, buddy, well, it's looks like you are headed to jail street.
" it was like it was out of a movie! so what do you think about what i said to him? honey, are you okay? what was it, the chicken? INCONTRIAMOCI AL PARCO A MEZZANOTTE VIENI DA SOLA i need money for a tie rack for my apartment.
you don't even have any ties.
that brings me to the second thing i wanted to say.
i'm thinking about starting to wear, like, funky ties.
are you telling me that you hid a key in my dinner so that i would vomit it up so that you could tell me that you wanted a tie rack? i don't want a tie rack, laura.
i need a tie rack.
and quite frankly, i'm getting a little tie red of this conversation.
you know what? come with me.
there's something i want to show you.
why do you spend $200 a month on an organic cotton candy membership? let me see that.
oh, yes.
i wanted it.
well, then this goes here.
here's the deal.
i am no longer going to pay for these wants.
that means no more cotton candy, no more tambourine shoes.
i am only gonna pay for your needs.
that includes food, rent, water.
if you want anything else, you can man up and get a job, because i am tired of being your human atm machine.
what? no--heh! the "m" in atm is "machine.
" hey, do you know if you add an apostrophe "s" to your first name and pluralize your last name it can be another name for your balls? so mine would be called brian's spukowskies? that makes 'em sound more polish than they look.
steve myron? eh, pretty much.
"valley village morgue?" what do you think this is? hey, it's our old tv remote.
how'd we lose that thing anyway? Piu' veloce, piu' veloce, piu' veloce! they must've taken this our of mr.
jenkins' dead body and found out it belonged to us.
i still feel horrible that we indirectly killed mr.
it was an awful death.
his family must've been devastated.
so, uh, i'd like to just go immediately back to watching tv.
what do you think the etiquette is on that? eh, it's pretty abrupt.
all right.
this one time, i saw him at fan-tasti-mart, and he said hi to me.
so we good? yes.
it's medium rare.
so sarah seemed to really understand that i just can't keep spending all of my money on her.
did you use my easel idea? i actually don't want to talk to her ever again without one.
that one's ready to go.
hello, everyone.
quite the lovely late morning we're having.
you're probably reacting.
to the extra hair i have on my face.
funny story.
my wonderful sister.
graciously defined for me the difference between my wants and my needs by putting a cap on my spending.
so i have therefore not been able to wax my facial hair the past couple of days, so i guess congratulations to laura on this most unique achievement.
hey, look, sarah, how about i spot you the money for the waxing? it's no problem on my end.
jay, i'm sorry, but that's just not possible.
sarah, there's an easy way that you can get the money for your facial waxes.
you can get a job.
don't you ever say that word to me.
marbles, marbles! everybody loves marbles! collect ours, and we'll pass the savings on to you.
mmmarbles! mmmarbles! mmmarbles! brian, i need to change the channel, and i can't find the remote control.
oh, thanks, dude.
brian! brian! what? what is it? it's a ghost! yeah i'm not seeing it.
but i am seeing basic instinct 2, and, uh, count me in.
cookie party, cookie party cookie party sarah, we need to talk.
i know.
i'm sorry i slapped you.
it's not your fault.
you probably have a hard time controlling your anger because of all the testosterone in your bloodstream.
what are you talking about? well, it seems that valley village hospital keeps records of certain medical phenomena, and i discovered that, well you're one of them.
oh, my god.
was i born with wings? no, no, sarah, you were born with both.
both looks and personality? no.
you were born with both a penis and a vagina.
were the penis and vagina, like, in separate pieces? or was, like, the penis was the vagina but like split down lengthwise with labias or something, and then the doctor had to make the combination penis-vagina into like the standard vagina i have now? tell me, laura! i need to know! no, no, the penis was its own.
it was its own complete separate penis.
turn the page.
what is it? it's a penis, sarah.
it's your penis.
i'm a man? i'm a man! i can't believe this is my actual baby penis.
i usually love tiny versions of bigger things, but not now.
i don't want any part of this part of me.
i reject you.
i swallowed my penis! oh, i swallowed my penis! i swallowed my penis! what? huh? i swallowed my penis! i swallowed my penis! i'm sorry! i'm not saying that you didn't see the ghost of mr.
i'm just saying that maybe you didn't see the ghost of mr.
dude, you just said the exact same thing twice.
isn't it possible you just think you saw the ghost? no, it's not possible, brian.
he was real.
look, i was sitting right here on the couch watching tv, and i- i couldn't find the remote.
so i asked you if you had the remote.
and then i grabbed the remote, i looked up and saw-- you killed me! this is the worst possible time to be haunted.
we do not need this in our lives right now.
actually, is this the worst time to be haunted? i mean, we don't have much going on this week.
so if we have to be haunted, maybe this is a decent time for it.
yeah, you're right.
we should do this now because we could get busy later.
we're in.
sarah, you gotta help us.
jenkins is haunting us.
i'd love to help you, guys, but i think i'm about to poop out my own penis.
she doesn't have to be a bitch about it.
like, if you don't want to help us, then don't.
right? yes.
well, i guess there's no getting rid of you, huh, little guy? maybe i should just stop fighting my destiny.
i mean, i could stay a hideous woman with a mustache forever, or i could become a a really, really good-looking man instead.
i will no longer go by the name sarah jane anastasia silverman.
from this day forward, i shall be known as sarah jane anastasia silverman the guy.
this just doesn't make any sense.
why would mr.
jenkins come back now after he died two years ago? if i was gonna haunt somebody, i'd do it right away, because if i started haunting some dude and he didn't remember who i was, i'd be, like, totally embarrassed.
you know, this all started happening after we got our remote back from the morgue.
maybe that has something to do with it.
hear my words, for i will boast.
i know how you will kill the ghost.
find the corpse.
dig up the grave.
don't be scared.
you must be brave.
thrust remote into his chest.
he will die, be put to rest.
leave right now.
don't delay.
hear my words, men orange and gay.
you know, for him to rhyme that good, he has to be right, doesn't he? i don't know.
maybe before we go digging up a grave and jamming an object into a corpse, we should do some research and not just take the word of the guy who scrambles our eggs for a living.
research? like reading? yeah.
if it turns out eddie's right and we wind up reading a book for nothing, we're gonna be so bummed.
yeah, you're right.
i guess i "overthunk" it.
give some of that bad bo-- so, um what have you been doing? just doing what i've been meant to do, laura, you know? living off the land, making things with my hands taking care of myself, doing man stuff.
sarah, i-is that actually the, uh? penis i was born with that the doctor chopped off and put in a drawer for 30 years and that i recently swallowed and excreted, polished off, and then punctured and looped a chain through? you bet your bippy it is.
you know, uh, here's a thought.
instead of wearing that item, you could, uh, bury it and keep a picture of it in your wallet.
sarah, i think it's wonderful that you're embracing your manhood.
but what about that other suggestion i made-- you know, to just get a job? then you could go back to living in your apartment that i'm still paying for and--and stop living in the woods.
can't imagine life without the woods, laura.
can't imagine it.
i'm thinking of changing my name to james woods.
can't you just keep your, uh, first name? sarah woods.
that's a little fruity, no? hey, i got some brewskies, uh, in the tent.
you interested in a-- we, actually, really have to get back.
uh, we got app-- uh, appointments in the city.
well, sis, enchante.
jay, let's hug it out, bitch.
ari gold, entourage.
drive safe.
don't let the bed bugs bite.
this sucks.
i can't take much more.
maybe we can learn to live with a ghost.
dude, if i bail halfway through digging up a grave to stop my own haunting, then everything my parents said about me is true.
we made it.
let's just put the remote back in his chest and get out of here.
not as scary as i thought it would be.
hey, ladies.
welcome to casa de man.
hey, sarah.
how's your penis? friggin' awesome.
it's a kick-ass day to be a dude, am i right? yeah, it is.
uh, look, sarah, we need your help.
to stop a ghost from haunting us, we have to stick a remote control inside the rotting corpse of the man we inadvertently murdered.
i'm listening.
we tried to do it ourselves, but, uh we chickened out.
will you, uh, help us? please? that ghost is toast.
all i need to know is if you want me to kick ass or take names.
i'm kidding.
i'll do both.
INCONTRIAMOCI AL PARCO A MEZZANOTTE VIENI DA SOLA sarah, i need to tell you something.
that's not your penis.
i'm a full-grown man, laura.
i think i'd know if i was wearing the wrong penis around my neck.
no, sarah, you were never born with one.
i just got that penis from the hermaphrodite trash can at the hospital.
you're not a man.
what? i just figured that if you thought you were a man, you would do what a man would do-- get a job, take care of yourself.
but what i did was sexist.
it was wrong of me to think that you needed to think that you were a man in order to do those things.
you don't need to be a man to man up.
you can be a man or a woman or a fish or, heck, even the sears tower.
but i have to be a man, laura.
i have to do something that-- that i need to be a man for.
but, sarah, all those things you did-- chop wood, live in a tent, get in fights-- you did as a woman.
the baby penis around your neck didn't give you the courage to do those things.
it was the baby penis in your mind.
the baby penis in your mind gives you the courage to be what you need to be the baby penis in your mind lives in your heart and not the place where you pee the baby penis in your mind the baby penis in my mind the baby penis in your mind gives me the courage to do what i need to do the baby penis in my mind the baby penis in your mind gives me the strength to know that i can see it through the baby penis in my mind oh, my god.
he's still here.
No! Please! No! I can't believe we're gonna be killed by a ghost! I didn't even know that could happen! Please, don't kill us! Thank you.
Thank you.
It's a miracle.
I don't need you anymore.
Goodbye, friend.
Eat it, dickskull.