The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s03e04 Episode Script


"Toby Grossnickel"? Nice name.
Vote for Grossnickel next tuesday? Absolutely! I'll give this a lot of thought.
Right! I get it.
Youre running for mayor.
That is too easy.
Ah, i have fun.
ELECT PUBES Jesus christ Sarah? Gimme your hands.
Oh no, i hate those things.
they always make my wrists too close together.
So, does all your ear hair make things louder, or is it, like, just for fashion? Hey, sarah.
What are you in for? Doing something hilarious to a grossnickel poster.
Oh, well, he's gonna win anyway.
His opponent, mayor wittels, was just caught in the act.
Of what? Snorting coke off a gerbil's tits.
Aww! Well, I got to go.
Oh, yeah.
Are you undercover? Oh, no.
Today's my day off.
I was just swinging by to pick up my paycheck.
So see ya.
Don't have to be sarcastic about it.
Hello, my lady.
Really, sarah? Defacing property? He started it by being all named grossnickel.
Yes, it's true.
Toby grossnickel's name is somewhat phonically displeasing.
That's not really the point.
He's gonna raise police salaries.
And he's against poverty.
I mean, I know everyone is, but he supposedly really hates it.
One time he was late to a meeting because he was playing catch with his son.
And, you know, I got to say, in this world, I think we could use more of meetings having people be late to.
May I go to jail now? Brian! Brian, we're getting married! What the hell are you talking about? Look.
Wittels is out of the race.
What? Grossnickel is a shoe-in.
Wait, what? Whose shoes are gross? Right.
Check it out, dude.
I'm toby grossnickel.
If you elect me your mayor, I'll increase police officer's salaries by 5%.
So? I'll also legalize gay marriage, because all americans deserve civil rights.
There's a brighter future ahead for us all.
I'm toby grossnickel and I approved this message.
Remember? You said by the time the world was ready for gay marriage, you'd be ready too.
Well, it looks like the world is ready.
We could be married by as early as next week.
That sounds like a hoot.
But, um, you got to excuse me.
******* Marble.
Hey, get a couple of 'em! Hey, b-ri.
Why so glum? I promised steve I'd marry him if they ever made it legal.
And now it looks like it's gonna be, but I don't really feel like going through with it.
I'm so sick of this stupid election anyway.
And seriously, "toby grossnickel"? I mean, if you're gonna have a candidate with a really dumb name, at least let it be funny too.
You know, like, "dicky fartfeathers" "may kadoody".
may kadoody.
We, the citizens of valley village look to may kadoody.
We look to may kadoody in our streets.
We look to may kadoody in our homes.
When the world has got you down and your smile gives way to a frown there's a lady in our town that can turn your blues into browns make a difference make a difference may kadoody today make a difference make a difference may kadoody today oh won't you come on, make a difference, make a difference may kadoody today make a difference make a difference may kadoody today may kadoody next tuesday! make a difference make a difference may kadoody today make a difference make a difference may kadoody today may kadoody, for the children.
the ballot count is complete and it appears that for the first time in our city's history, a write-in candidate has received the majority of the vote.
The apparent winner ***** May kadoody.
Not possible! Holy crap! Evidently this campaign was a prank.
*************** is that the name "may kadoody" sounds as if one is giving the command to have a bowel movement.
Very funny.
Toby grossnickel has come in second place and barring an unforeseen circumstance, I expect to certify grossnickel as the new mayor of our town.
I'm may kadoody! Excuse me? My name is may kadoody, and I'm a citizen of valley village.
I see.
Well, then, pending an authentication of your driver's license, you are the new mayor of valley village.
Oh, my god! .
may kadoody.
She's real! We invented her and she became real! Yes! You know, if you didn't want to get married, you should have just said so.
Steve, I wasn't trying to sabotage our marriage.
I was just joking around with sarah.
Look, the fact that there actually is a may kadoody is just an incredibly hilarious coincidence.
Oh, really? You were just joking around? Can you name a single thing in your life you've put more work into than the kadoody campaign? Of course I can.
You're being ridiculous.
Do you even hear yourself? Look, man, I put a lot of hard work into a lot of different stuff.
Holy crap Is it possible he's right? The hardest I've ever worked in my life was in politics? That's actually hilarious.
Steve, you're being completely paranoid and crazy and you don't even know what you're talking about! Oh, was that it? Are you done, baby? You don't got anything to say now? That's you! Needless to say, with a name like mine, there are struggles.
Classmates would often *********** one particularly creative boy ************* She's so scrappy.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my biggest supporter, miss sarah silverman It's an honor just to be a part of the political process.
Citizens of valley village, it's time we bring this town into the modern era! I plan to fill every pothole from cedarbrooke drive to willowbrook avenue! Here, here.
And I'll clean the litter from our city streets.
And I'll permanently outlaw gay marriage in this city! So that god-fearing families will be safe from the disgusting perversions of homosexuals! Let her finish.
Let her finish.
Homosexuals are an atrocity against god! An analyst, who I was never sure was really qualified, once told me to, uh, never trust a politician, so this could go the other way.
What's your problem, dude? I want to marry you.
What? Feel like doing it now.
Brian, you don't want to marry me.
You just want to spite mayor kadoody 'cause she says you can't.
You just don't like being told what to do.
That's not true.
Pick up that dvd.
You see what I'm saying? I just don't feel like bending over right now.
Fine, then don't pick it up.
God, if you're gonna be like that, I'll pick it up.
You know what, brian? I don't want to marry you.
I don't want a husband that I have to trick into picking crap up off the floor or into marrying me! So just forget the whole thing! Wait, no.
Don't forget the whole thing! Fine.
I won't.
Good! Wait, what? I don't know! where is everybody? Didn't you hear? KADOODY OUTLAWS BRUNCH! Oh, my god.
Yeah, she says combining two different meals is a perversion.
There should not be marriage between two people "of the same gender and there should not be marriage between breakfast and lunch.
that is an outrage.
Okay? sure, maybe combining penises and tushies might be unsavory to some, but brunch? Give me a break! Brunch is combining eggs with 11:00.
This woman's dangerous, .
And she's got to be stopped.
And I'm the one to stop her.
If I can make kadoody, I can break kadoody.
I think it's great that you want to take down mayor kadoody.
It might be hard though.
It's usually just a lot easier to try and elect the right person to begin with.
But you'll know for next time.
Don't worry, little sis.
I have a plan.
I hired a private detective.
He's gonna dig up dirt on kadoody.
Sarah, a private detective? They're really expensive.
No, not this one.
I didn't hire an actual private detective.
I got a guy just as good for half the money.
Come in.
Do not go in there! All righty then! He's just like him.
I didn't get any dirt on the mayor, but I did find pictures of a rare spotted cornbread head bird.
And a pasta rabbit! This is ridiculous.
That's not a detective.
That's just a really bad jim carrey impersonator.
And there's no such thing as a cornbread head bird or a pasta rabbit.
All righty then.
GOD HATES FAGS BUT BRIAN LOVES STEVE What? brian? I want to marry you, steve.
Dude, you don't have to do this.
I was wrong.
I was pressuring you into marrying me because of some promise you made a long time ago.
No, steve.
I want to marry you.
And not because you pressured me and not because the mayor says I can't.
I want to marry you, because having you as my husband would be awesome.
And having you vow to be bound to me until death, that's just totally metal.
Oh, my god, brian.
Steven Ned Myron III, Will you make me the happiest man in valley village and marry me? Yes, brian.
I totally will! He said yes! He said yes! Yes! I love you! Brian! We're getting married! What is that? Sounds like a gigantic rhinoceros getting raped by a walrus.
No, getting raped with a walrus.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm sorry, guys.
It's a no-go.
It's kadoody time now.
What, you guys are ordered to break up marriage proposals? Well, what we were told was to stop homosexual conspiracies before they become operational.
Right now you're being gay with the intent to marry.
Jay, do something! I can't do anything, laura.
We have to follow orders.
Now I really know how awful it was to be a nazi.
Well, then maybe we shouldn't get married either.
What in the hockey puck are you talking about? I'm sorry, jay, but I don't want to get married unless everyone can.
It's not fair! No! B-b-b-but-ah, damn you, kadoody! Sorry.
What is kadoody's weakness? Everybody has a weakness.
Wait a minute.
Enhance by 150%.
That object right behind the cornbread head bird, I can't quite make it out.
Enhance another 25%.
What are you up to, kadoody? Ah ha! Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
To what do I owe this pleasure? Oh, mini coffee! I'm so sorry.
I must have gotten the wrong room.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm such a fan.
don't fret.
These things do tend to happen now and then on occasion.
You're so nice.
Um, well, I'll leave you be.
Oh, thank you.
That was close.
You got that right.
Ah ha! sarah, I can explain this! Gay sex and brunch? I know.
I need help! Well, you best clean those eggs off your boobs and pack your suitcase, kadoody, 'cause you are through in this town.
Sarah? Sarah, no! Oh, my goodness! We've got to stop her! Are you sure you want to go through with this, even though we might get arrested because it's illegal? So's weed.
Friends, today we bear witness to a marriage between two Extremely enormous, hairy, orange-colored, vision-impaired men.
Stop right there! This is against the law! If you want to stop me from marrying this man, you're gonna have to throw me in jail.
Arrest him.
Hold your fire! Coming through! What the.
officer mcpherson, what are you doing? I will not allow you to harm these two men for doing what everybody else has a right to do.
Look, to be honest, the whole idea of anybody marrying anyone else other than laura, why, it's just yucky.
I mean, I'd like to arrest the whole world for not marrying laura.
But it's not their fault, because there's only one of her.
So we can either harvest her stem cells and clone a billion of her and make everybody in the world marry all the lauras or we can let everybody marry anyone they want to.
No matter how disgusting it is.
Oh, jay! Stop! Wait! Mayor kadoody is gay and she eats eggs between the hours of 10 am and 1 pm! And I caught her with the most beautiful woman in all of valley village.
Our very own southern belle mini coffee.
See? Oh, no! Mini coffee? Wow, she is pretty.
Don't listen to her! She doesn't understand what she saw! I don't like brunch or gay sex.
Look, here's what I like.
It's this really specific thing.
It's not gay.
I like to have a plate of scrambled eggs and onions on my chest, while a woman's genitalia-partially covered by panties, but not entirely hovers over me.
Then I just stuff little chunks of the eggs and onions into my mouth, so that I have the taste of the egg and onion while looking at the bulge of genitalia In the underwear.
You know what I mean.
Officers, arrest her at once! All right! All.
righty then! And I "instate" toby grossnickel as our mayor.
Fantastic! Thanks for your support, sarah.
Guys, as your new mayor, it would be my honor to administer your vows.
Aww, that's fantastic.
Oh, my god.
Steven Ned Myron III, Do you take brian to be your husband? Totally.
Do you, brian damien spukowski, take steven to be your husband? Wow.
The next word I speak will make me a married man.
The crazy thing is I'm looking forward to it.
Steve's awesome.
Every time I think I'm as gay as I'm gonna get, this son of a bitch just makes me gayer.
I do! I now pronounce you husband and husband.
Guys, no one wants to see that.
All right! Yeah!