The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s03e06 Episode Script

A Fairly Attractive Mind

God I have to pee! We're six blocks from home, it sucks.
It's not fair! you can pee anywhere and i can't, and i'm your boss! Hey Doug, do you like acoustics? Carnegie Hall! Sarah! You gotta be kidding me.
its not what it looks like.
I'm peeing.
I literally had no choice but to go in one of those antique boxes you see around for, like, old time e-mails.
it was doug's idea.
Sarah, those aren't antiques.
Those are actual functioning mailboxes.
Oh, whatever.
Now i have to do community service at this "Lil' Buddies" something.
Oh, oh.
The program that provides companions for mentally challenged adult.
That would be such a positive experience for you.
Do you have a lot of ****** Yeah.
You know, one time I sponsored a mentally challenged fat girl for the special olympics.
And it really was one of the most magical times of my life.
Except, of course, for meeting you.
Not that you're mentally challenged, but if you were, you would be my very own special olympic.
Well, as much I'd like to stay here and watch you two be disgusting, I have a difference to make.
If you'll excuse me.
Shazam! I'm just kidding.
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
Don't worry.
It's just for a day.
Hey, man.
Where you been all day? Phone shopping.
Check it out.
A dragon phone? Where'd you get that? I was in chinatown and popped into this weird old store and saw it.
I asked the guy, "how much " ********* Take it.
It's yours.
It always was.
It'll go great with our goblin ottoman.
Wow.
that's just the kind of thing I love.
But, man, you gotta hide it.
What? why? Because it's nerdy-looking.
Just like everything else we own.
Wait.
Where is everything else we own? I shoved all our old junk in the bedroom.
My dad's coming over tomorrow, and I just don't want him to see anything.
What's with you and your dad? Guess I never told you that story, huh? Dad and I used to be super close.
We did everything together.
We read comic books.
Watched kung fu and monster movies.
He even taught me how to play dungeons & dragons.
One day he came home from a business trip overseas.
And he had changed.
He had no interest in any of the nerd stuff we used to do.
All he wanted to do was take bubble baths.
And we've been distant ever since.
Why haven't you ever told me this? I don't know.
Guess I got busy.
But, uh, let's put this away and we'll use the old one.
No, no, no, no.
I threw the old one out.
All right then.
Don't worry, brian.
Your father is not gonna notice anything.
I'LL GET IT.
Oh, my god.
I'm you! And I'm you.
WE SWITCHED BODIES! Okay, any allergies I should know about? I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to foam.
and let's say bubbles.
Okay.
I think we are all set.
Here you go.
Hey! Okay, sarah! We've paired you up with carly hirsch.
Hi, carly! I'm sarah! Hi, sarah! I'm carly! What a pretty name! Do you like to have fun? Oh! I love to have fun.
Do you like to have fun? You bet I do! All right.
Let's go have fun.
Brian, your green is different than mine.
Why is everything purple? Brian! How do you eat like this? I'm gonna be sick! Brian! Yeah.
think! What happens when people get their bodies switched? Oh, they fix their parents' failed relationship.
They take tests for each other.
that's not helping.
They win the big rock and roll show contest.
You're an idiot.
You're not helping.
What? I'm gonna have your diarrhea.
Oh, no! It's gonna be bad.
I shouldn't have had that chorizo.
I knew it was awful.
Like, it smelled horrible.
Oh, no, I'm having one of your panic attacks! It's horrible! Isn't this popsicle yummy? It sure is.
I love popsicles.
Oh, looky here, jojo.
I reckon we got ourselves a couple of female ladies walking all down the street.
You leave us alone.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
Unfortunately, our dog's in the hospital with pancreatic cancer, so I'm gonna have to armed rob you.
Interesting titties, by the way.
DON'T SHOOT! She's a retarded adult! No, she is.
No, you are.
You're the retarded adult.
You're the retarded adult.
You're the retarded adult.
They're having a big misunderstanding, jojo.
You know I don't like uncomfortable situations.
Get me out of here, jojo! Come on, let's go! Go, jojo! YOU ARE.
You are.
You are.
You are.
You are.
You are.
Which one of us did you think was the retarded adult? Her right? It's 'cause she's asian.
we thought you were the intellectually disabled adult, ms.
silverman.
What? Thank you.
Well, um, you urinated in a mailbox.
YOU'RE IN YOUR 30s, And your sister who's a nurse takes care of you.
And when I asked you ****** you gave me this.
IF RETARDED PEOPLE Don't think they're retarded, and I don't think ************* Oh, my god, I'm retarded.
Cake's done! Cake thursday.
Everybody get some.
It's still warm.
come on, jeremy, share.
Me.
retarded.
I can't believe it.
It's always the last person you'd expect.
Why so sad, sarah? There's no reason to be glum.
I just found out I'm retarded.
But, sarah, intellectually disabled people can still do many things.
Look! They can play basketball.
Be a tortured artist.
Or be a television executive.
Lots of them even live independently and take care of themselves.
Pretty inspiring, isn't it? Do you think I could be inspiring? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Thanks, owl.
No.
thank you.
Sometimes I don't really mind shopping, and then other time *************** what? are you kidding? That's crazy.
I'm exactly the same way.
Paper or plastic? Uh, paper, plea sarah, what are you doing here? Oh, it's recently come to my attention that I'm retarded.
Not in the derogatory sense, but literally retarded.
I don't understand.
No, it's I who doesn't understand, laura.
But I've chosen to take my retardation not lying down.
Work is just one of so many ways I can inspire people.
For instance, I took the bus here today.
By myself.
But you have a car.
I do.
I've got a car right here.
The biggest car in the whole world.
Sarah, I think it's beautiful that you want to inspire people, but you're not developmentally chall uh, you know, laura-- I think I see a weird thing outside.
We should walk out of here and look at it.
And then we'll-we'll see it.
Have a good day.
What do you mean weird? What kind of weird? Like, funny weird? There's nothing weird out here.
It was a ruse.
Am I actually going cuckoos, or were you trying to talk sarah out of having a job? Well, jay, we can't let sarah go around thinking that she's mentally challenged.
It's offensive to the mentally challenged.
And you think she isn't? PUSSY.
Yeah.
So, please For my sake, don't talk to sarah about it.
Just think of it.
With sarah mentally retarded, there's nothing in the world we can't do.
And I thought to myself, why sit at home retarded when I could be out in the world inspiring people.
And that's what's important, you know.
Do I have good days? Do I have bad days? Sure.
but I keep going.
And I keep trying.
And I keep being.
Sarah, sarah, look.
Look, sarah, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? Sarah, you're slowing the lines down, with your constant monologues about how inspiring you are.
You're killing me! And on a side note, I have worked with literally tons of retarded people.
I have never seen a one talk about their own retardation as much as you do.
Did you hear that, everybody? I'm being fired for being retarded.
And you, of all people, should know better.
Because I'm black? Pardon me, everyone.
I am bill fantastimart, owner of this store.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I assure you that this developmentally disabled woman is not getting fired.
We at fantastimart fully support the developmentally disabled.
Sarah, I'm making you the new manager.
I'm sorry, george.
I think we both know you stopped loving this job a long time ago.
It's heavy.
Dude! Are you kidding me? What are you talking about, brian? Oh, you mean this? Sorry, man.
I can't figure out how to work yours.
I wanted today to go perfect with my dad.
How can I bond with him if I'm talking out of your body? I don't know, brian.
Why don't you just try to explain our situation to him? No! If I try to explain to him that we switched bodies because of a magical dragon phone, he's gonna think I'm an emotionally stunted nerd! Oh, crap! It's my dad.
Pretend you're me.
No, I can't.
Go, do it! No, brian.
Come on.
No, brian.
You have to do it.
I can't.
You have to.
You have to! Fine.
I am brian.
I am steve.
That was good.
We're okay.
Hey, da.
.
ddy-o.
Hello, steve.
Good to see you, son.
Pop.
Nice.
You call him "pop", right? Yeah.
Knock, knock.
bing bong.
I'm coming in.
Hey, sarah, just stopping by to drop off your rent check.
Oh, I already paid it.
Oh, well, i then I guess I'll see you later when I come to pick up your laundry.
Did it.
But you've never, ever done your own this is how I'm inspiring people, laura, by overcoming my disability and by living independently.
It's amazing.
I wish I knew I was retarded ten years ago.
I'm getting so much done.
So you don't need me for anything? You know, I honestly can't think of a single use for you.
I guess you're free.
Go climb a mountain, invent a new language, be invisible.
I give your life back to you, laura silverman.
Make it extraordinary.
Oh, but--but- Oh, but--but- hi, I'm sarah silverman.
The new mentally challenged manager of the fantastimart grocery store.
Great job, terry.
Where every day you get two for the price of none for the entire hour of three.
This deal is so good, I must be retarded! You are! Come back! come back here! Not the car! Oh, god! Would you come back here? Haven't you ever heard of a social contract? You animal! Don't you see? Everything is gone.
You're very welcome.
You ruined me.
Don't you get it? Your commercial "two for the price of none" means everything is free! No.
That doesn't sound right.
No, see? TETTE I have to let you go.
With the best of intentions, I made a terrible mistake in hiring you.
You go right ahead, mr.
fantastimart.
I'm getting used to people being racist against me, but Then again, I guess that's the whole point of being retarded.
You know, to overcome prejudice, and to shatter expectations, and to inspire the world.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do, starting Now! Yesterday, I was peeing in a mailbox.
This afternoon, I was running the most successful grocery store in all of valley village.
And if that isn't inspirational Sarah, you can't do this.
You say "can't," laura.
I say "cannon".
bob? Here we are! Damn it, sarah, you're not retarded! You're just a retard.
Don't you ever say that.
That word is offensive to advocates of me.
Hi, this is jeremy vest from "how is your news?" Here with sarah silverman, who is about to shoot herself out of a cannon.
Sarah, may i ask you a question? Sure.
Are you out of your mind? Hey, brian.
You did a great job with this lasagna, brian.
Oh, thank you, steve.
I made it freshly, with ingredients, steve.
Okay, I know what's going on here.
Huh? You think I'm stupid? No, no.
It's It's complicated.
You two switched bodies.
What? How did you know? Same thing happened to me.
I too once answered A dragon phone.
The man you're looking at now took a business trip to china.
He was weak, and spent the night with a beautiful chinese prostitute.
That prostitute is me.
What? Your father and i switched bodies while calling room service.
Before we could switch back, I took off to be a free white man in america, the greatest opportunity a chinese hooker could ever hope for.
I learned to be a husband to your mother and a father to you.
Anyway, I've got a plane to catch.
Shoot me an email and let me know how this goes.
Son Dad.
Thank you.
Steve A pleasure.
Bye, mr.
spukowski.
Sarah, don't you see? You don't need to be developmentally disabled to be an inspiration.
I've known lots of developmentally disabled people, and none of them would ever do anything this stupid.
So come down from there before you murder yourself.
You know what, sis, you might be right.
You know, the more I think about it, this whole Crap, laura was right.
I'm not retarded.
Even though I shot myself out of a cannon, I'm not retarded.
The only thing different about my brain is that in a few seconds it'll be splattered all over the sidewalk.
And that's just freaking great.
Oh, hey, I can see my apartment down there.
Look at that.
Well, I better call my loved ones and say good-bye.
Do you think we're gonna be like this forever? All I know is if I have to be stuck inside some body, I'm glad it's yours.
Ditto.
I'll get it.
I'm alive! I'm alive! Your mushy bodies saved me.
It's a miracle.
Thanks, steve.
Thanks, brian.
No problem.
You're welcome.
Hey, I'm brian again.
And I'm steve.
This is great.
Yeah.
And the mystery of what happened to your father is solved.
Yeah.
But Do you think if my real father knew me, he'd be proud of who I am? It was a big day, doug.
And I think the most important thing I learned today is that even if you're not retarded, you can be just as inspirational, unintentionally funny, crazy, horny, and super strong as any developmentally challenged person.
Good night, slut.