The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Le Tuteur

President Lacey, I am absolutely horrified by my behavior last night.
Underage drinking, destruction of campus property.
I'm better than that, and I am determined to make it right.
This is a check for $2,000.
- It's a starting point.
My mom says we can go up to 10.
Leighton, you can't bribe your way out of this.
You threw a tequila bottle at a statue and chipped its pinky finger.
Then, you berated our campus security.
Oh, I did not berate them.
You called them, quote: "Wannabe cops with heinous personal style.
" That does sound like me.
But in my defense, I was wasted.
That doesn't help.
You're getting 100 hours of community service at the Essex College Women's Center.
- What is a Women's Center? Is that like a Curves? - The Women's Center is an inclusive collective for females and people of all genders, where they can organize feminist activism and engage in conversations with like-minded individuals.
Oh, no.
A bunch of woke nobodies drinking green tea? Please, I would love to hear some other options.
There are no other options.
I'll tell the Women's Center to expect you.
Thanks so much for coming in, Leighton.
Well, my family will no longer be donating to this institution.
You know how many Russian billionaires send their kids here? Three.
We'll be fine.
God damn it.
Vermont Tinder is so weird.
Why are all the guys hiking? This is pointless anyway.
Nobody on here ever messages back.
All right, hand it over.
Let's see what you're working with.
Bela, what the actual fuck? This is why no one's messaging you back.
You don't even say hi.
You start every conversation with the words "shirtless pic" and a question mark.
Look, I was a nuclear loser in high school, so excuse me.
For once, I want to date a guy with sick, ripped, tasty abs like Zac Efron "Baywatch" abs.
Oh, Efron should not be your ideal abs.
There are way better.
Gosling in "Crazy, Stupid, Love.
" Oh.
- Michael B.
in "Black Panther.
" - Ooh! - Michael B.
in "Creed.
" You know who I bet has abs? Beto O'Rourke.
- Oh, I bet he does.
You actually might be onto something with that one.
This has been the worst morning of my life.
Oh, my God, did they cancel your reservation at Mar-a-Lago? No, I have to volunteer.
Wait, I like volunteering.
- Yeah.
Also, what is that smell? What? Really? Okay, how do none of you smell that? Well, I thought someone was trying new perfume, and I didn't want to be rude.
I think it's coming from Yep.
Did one of you, like, shit in the fridge? Okay, listen, I think we all know whose fault this must be.
What, me? That's racist somehow.
The smell's probably coming from Leighton's weird, refrigerated cosmetics.
I actually stopped putting them in there after I found Cheeto dust in my eye cream.
Oh, and I guess you're insinuating that I was responsible for that too.
I was.
That one was me.
But I didn't make the fridge stink.
- All right.
I have to go to practice, but we will figure out who's responsible for this later, and that person will be the one to clean it.
Agree? - Mm-hmm.
- Great.
- Aw, man! I really think the smell got into my hair.
I can't believe you're getting tutored by Nico today! What are you gonna wear? - This.
- Ha! Right.
No, I'm really gonna wear this.
A denim jacket? Are you out of your fucking mind? You're getting tutored by a hot guy.
You're not getting a job at Applebee's.
Bela, I'm already nervous.
Can you not tell me I look bad? Okay.
It'll be fine.
You got big boobs.
Just, you know, push them out a lot.
Like this? - Yeah, girl! Just like that.
Actually, I'm gonna try that too.
Great practice, ladies.
And I don't want to get ahead of things, but we could have a shot at finally making the tournament this year, thanks to our new first-year talent.
All right, now in terms of strategy, You mids, don't kick the ball forward.
We're going for possession, all right? Oh, you look so fucking hot today.
You too.
I have to answer this.
It's Michelle, and two calls means an emergency.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God.
It's a FaceTime.
It's connecting.
Hide! Hide! Hey! - Hey, babe.
I'm outside.
- Sorry.
You're what? What? What was that? I'm, uh I'm counting the aluminum bats like I always do.
Did you say you're here? Yeah.
Yeah, we have to go get the credenza that I bought in Cos Cob.
You remember? I didn't realize we bought that.
I thought we were sticking with our current hutch.
No, we're getting a new one.
Hey, is your shirt off? Oh, yeah.
I spilled a bunch of soup on it.
It doesn't matter.
I'll see you out there.
Look, I don't know what a credenza is, but it doesn't sound like something you buy if you're about to end your marriage.
Look, Michelle and I have been together for six years.
I need to find the right moment and do this in a kind way.
Fine, but just so you know, I don't love this.
The only time I condone cheating is on "Love Island.
" I love you.
What? Oh Just go buy your hutch thing.
- Vrai.
- "Fray.
" No, look at my mouth.
Watch what I'm doing with my lips.
Hello? - Sorry.
Um, vrai.
- That's it.
- Okay.
Yeah, you're improving already.
How did you get so fluent? When I was little, we had this au pair named Camille from Marseille.
She practically raised me 'cause my mom was always, uh, actually, who knows what she was doing.
Oh, I totally get that.
Both my parents worked a lot, so I spent all my time with my nana.
One time, she had a stroke while we were doing a puzzle.
But your story's a lot cuter, so tell me more about Camille.
Uh, Camille was the fucking best.
She'd make me chicken nuggets, and we'd sit together and watch her favorite French TV show, "Les Craquantes.
" That sounds very fancy.
It was a dubbed version of "The Golden Girls.
" Oh.
The first word I learned in French was "ménopause.
" Ménopause.
Oui, ménopause.
I just wanna thank you again for doing this.
It's really nice.
Yeah, don't mention it.
Oh, but before I forget.
- Yeah.
Can you sign this? If I do enough tutoring hours, I get an extra half-credit towards my minor.
Oh, you get credit for tutoring.
Is that okay? - Totally okay.
Of course, of course.
This was simply transactional.
I get it.
Mmm, young Stalin can get it! Right? Dude could've been on "Riverdale.
" Hi, I'm Bela.
Like in "Twilight," but Indian.
I love that Susan B.
Anthony is being honored in the Essex Portrait Gallery.
I'm just saying, the artist clearly enhanced the size of her breasts.
Maybe it's symbolic of her female power.
Or maybe she actually had a huge rack.
How would we know? Hey.
I'm Leighton.
I got caught underage drinking.
That's why I have to work here.
- I'm Ginger.
She, her, hers.
- Lindsay.
She, her, hers.
- Alicia.
She, her, hers.
- Tova.
They, them, theirs.
Oh, right.
Well, I'm she.
I oversee all the volunteers.
- Oh, great.
Should we talk scheduling? Um, I was thinking that I would work mornings from 9:30 to 10:15-ish, and then, you know, round that up to an hour, for timesheet purposes.
Yeah, that's not how this works.
I'll tell you when we need help, and that's when you'll be here.
Like tomorrow from 5:00 to 10:00, you'll be helping with our feminist poetry group.
As tempting as that sounds, I'm kind of busy on Fridays.
Shit, I didn't realize that.
Maybe we should just shut down the whole place till you're free.
Okay, I am from New York, so I can tell that you're being sarcastic.
Hey, this is, uh, getting a little tense.
I'm gonna hit the Safe Space Bell.
What? It's a bell that we hit when we think it'd be good to have a safe space.
Uh, isn't this already a safe space? Okay.
I'm just saying that maybe we've gotten a little bit too sensitive as a society if even a safe space isn't Oh, my God! - It's all good, Ginger.
What we do here, whether it seems stupid to you or not, really does help people.
So we're not looking for your feedback at the moment, okay? Oh, and don't say your pronouns are obvious.
That makes you suck.
Suggesting that you don't have to use your pronouns when other people do makes you sound like a really dumb, cis bitch.
I heard it, Ginger! Welcome to the Women's Center, Leighton.
See you at poetry night.
My mom says we can go up to 20,000.
You're doing the community service, Leighton.
Grow from pain.
Girls, I have a delicate matter.
There have been some complaints about a stench coming from your room.
But there's no need to be embarrassed.
This happens to one suite every year.
What does? Oh, my God.
We're the smelly suite.
No, that "we" better not include me.
Okay, who complained? - Sorry, Leighton.
All complaints are anonymous.
I cannot name names.
- I can! It was me.
It smells like a tooth abscess in here.
It's so bad that nobody showed up to my murder-mystery party last night.
- Yeah, Travis.
I'm sure that's related.
Well, thank you, Frude, for bringing this to our attention.
We're gonna chat about it as a group, and we'll get it all fixed.
- Okey-dokey.
- Yes.
- That's a good enough resolution for you? - Yeah.
We're throwing that fucking fridge out, now.
No, that was my high school graduation gift.
That is the saddest sentence I have ever heard.
Look, I don't care.
I will not have a reputation as a smelly suite girl.
The fridge has to go.
- We can just clean it.
And since we don't know who created the smell - It was Bela.
- Bela.
- Offensive! Offensive conjecture.
Why don't we all clean it out together tonight? It could be like a fun group bonding experience.
I genuinely wish I could.
I have a women's center thing.
- Yeah, I can't either.
I'm gonna get piped by a guy with abs tonight.
- "Piped"? - Yeah, piped.
Torn up.
- "Slit-slammed"? Bela, Jesus Christ! - What? It's how people talk.
- What? Nope.
- It's me.
- You wish.
- All right.
- Yes! Ha, I beat you again.
I let you win.
By being out of shape.
- Yeah.
So how was, um, picking up the credenza? Oh, man, Whit, I cannot wait to show you how ugly it is.
I took a picture.
- Yeah.
- It is so bad.
- Wait.
Do you have me saved in your phone as "Steven Kim Accountant"? Yeah, this way, if Michelle sees a text pop up, she won't suspect anything.
And who's "Honey Bunny"? That's Michelle.
Dude, are you fucking kidding me? She's "Honey Bunny," and I'm an imaginary Asian CPA? That's perfect.
Look, I don't know how much longer I can keep sneaking around like this.
Does none of this bother you? Of course, it does.
I have this unbelievably cool and beautiful person in my life, and I can't tell anyone about it? It's terrible.
It sucks.
I just want us to go on a date.
Like an actual date, not like a "let's make out in my car behind this Best Buy" date.
Some of my fondest memories are in that Best Buy parking lot with you.
There's some beautiful stuff happening there.
I'm not in the mood to joke around about this right now.
All right.
Race you back to campus? No, uh, I'm gonna go take a solo run.
So is there something going on between you and the hot French tutor? - No.
Why? Did he ask about me or something when he ordered his coffee yesterday? Yeah.
He He asked me if you were seeing anyone.
Nah, he didn't.
He couldn't care less.
But maybe he will, 'cause he's walking in right now.
- Oh, ha ha! That's so funny.
Yeah, I'm sure he's walking in right now.
Hey! - How's it going? - Uh, I'm just working.
Nothing much.
Definitely not talking about anything specific.
You have a face to write songs about.
Thank you.
- So, what brings you in? Did you want a drink? Or a café au lait? Hey, good pronunciation.
But no, I just stopped in to see you.
I was thinking, for our next tutoring session, we could watch "Golden Girls" in French, the way I learned with my au pair.
Maybe tonight? Yeah.
I think that sounds both educational and entertaining.
You're such a good tutor.
- Great.
I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.
- You're staring at his butt.
- Lila! God! The idea of sitting through a musical makes me want to light myself on fire.
Which I did once to get out of an Indian thing with my family.
Hey, do you want anything from inside? - Nah, I'm good.
- You sure? Actually, could you get me a mug of dry Cap'n Crunch? Dude, are you fucking seeing this? I'm slaying this date so hard! Girl, he's laughing at everything you're saying.
And you're not even being funny.
I'm finally gonna hook up with a guy with abs.
Wait, you never hooked up with a guy with abs before? Have you? Honey, I pull.
Here you go.
Two chicken breasts.
Must be cheat day.
"Happy Father's Day.
"Dad, "thanks for always protecting me from spiders, "from nightmares, from feeling respected as a woman.
" "My nipples are my own.
But will they ever truly be free?" "Oh, beautiful, disgracious skies.
For amber waves of pain!" - Yeah.
Leighton, stop filming people without their consent.
Yes, Warden.
Are you seriously getting drunk at an event that you're working because you were caught getting drunk? Yep.
I figure, if it's okay with you, I'll sing a few songs tonight.
This first one is about a woman who deserves more love than she gets.
Mother Nature.
Leighton, what the actual fuck? That's it.
I'm not signing off on any of your hours tonight.
- What? Wait, you can't do that.
I deserve double hours for sitting through this shit.
- Why? All you did was drink wine.
And eat very noisy snacks! - But I was here.
- I don't care.
You know, you just wasted three hours of your own life.
Zero down.
100 to go.
May I? Yeah, sure.
Wow! They are just incredible.
- Do you want to have sex, or - Uh, in a in a second.
I just want to look at you for a bit.
Really burn the image in.
- Right.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Oh, wow.
You're so fucking hot.
You're so fucking funny.
You're so fucking hot.
You're so fucking funny.
You're so fucking hot.
Yeah, you're so fucking funny.
He's a chucklefucker.
- A what? - Huh? A chucklefucker.
He only likes me 'cause I'm funny.
- I don't think that's a word.
- Or, like, a thing.
He must find you attractive too.
No one sleeps with someone just because they think they're funny.
Oh, really, Whitney? Then explain why I masturbate to Kyle Mooney.
Bela, stop telling me what you masturbate to.
Wait, I thought you wanted people to think you were funny.
No, not when I also want him to think I'm a RiRi-level hot bitch.
I told him he reminded me of David Beckham, and he told me I reminded him of Larry David.
I'm confused.
Larry David's a lot funnier than you.
Speaking of David Beckham, we won our game.
I scored two goals and had an assist, no big deal.
Whitney was so good! And I tried to start a wave in the stands, but there weren't enough people.
- Yeah.
- So what am I supposed to do? Damn, we got back to your thing real quick.
Honestly, Bela, I don't think this is such a bad thing.
You like him for his abs, he likes you because you're funny.
You both have your really specific reasons.
Yeah, but I'm a romantic, so I want us to like each other for the same, specific reason: that we're both insatiably into each other's hot faces and bods.
I feel like there's a clear lesson you should be learning here, and you're not grasping it.
- Yeah, you're right.
The lesson is clear.
I've got to break it off with him.
I've got to find an even hotter guy and not be myself around him.
- Nope.
That was not the lesson.
Thanks for the talk, guys.
I really like Bela, but if I had to share a room with her, I'd drown myself.
Where are you taking the cheesecake? Oh, it's a long story.
It's an inside joke between Nico and me.
Does Leighton know how much time you've been spending with her brother? No, but there's really nothing to tell.
He's just tutoring me.
Although maybe don't say anything to Leighton.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Have fun with the team.
- Where are you right now? On my way to meet up with the team to celebrate our win.
Okay, first off, you played like a star, and getting wasted with your friends is totally appropriate.
And also, I think you should blow the team off.
And why should I do that? I've been thinking about what you said the other night, about how we haven't had a real date.
And I think you're right, so let's do it.
- Right now? - Yeah.
I know it's kind of last minute, but I have a surprise for you.
A bigger surprise than finding out you have a wife? - Seriously? You're gonna weaponize the joyful word "surprise" like that? I'll pick you up outside your dorm in ten.
Just bundle up and bring bug spray.
- Bug spray? - It's gonna be fun! Just forget I said "bug spray.
" Long underwear might be smart.
Bro, it's getting worse.
- It's gonna be great.
Just let me do my thing.
I'll see you soon.
Bug spray.
- Oh, hi.
Is Nico home? Nah, I think he's watching the basketball game at Braden's.
- Who? - You don't know Braden? That's weird.
You kind of look like him.
- Uh, okay.
Hey, you don't also have a Postmates order from Quiznos, do you? I do not.
She wasn't Quiznos.
What's up? Hey.
I'm at Theta Delt.
Oh, cool.
- Uh, yeah.
Except you're not here.
Aw, shit.
I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot.
The "Golden Girls" thing.
Uh, can we do it some other time? - Um, yeah.
For sure.
I have other things to do tonight anyway.
All right.
Uh, bye.
All right.
You better not be murdering me.
I will be so pissed.
Oh, come on.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Watch your step.
All right.
Well? What am I looking at? It's a romantic outdoor movie night! Just you and me in the middle of nowhere.
"Love & Basketball" queued up on the projector.
- That is my favorite movie.
- I know.
I did my research.
All right.
Let me show you to your seat.
- Ooh.
- All right.
Just Oh, okay.
Emergency exits are this way in the woods, and the other way in the woods.
And the lavatories are anywhere you want.
This is very cute.
I know.
You ready? - Okay.
Okay, now, cell phones off for the duration of the movie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Tonight is just about you, and me, and the present threat of Lyme disease.
Look, I know you're in charge or whatever, but I really think it would benefit you to take things a little less seriously.
- Oh, it would, huh? - Yeah, okay.
Like, if you didn't notice the song that girl sang was beyond terrible, then I am genuinely kind of worried about you.
Of course, I knew it was terrible.
If she was good, she wouldn't be playing the Women's Center! - Uh, yes.
I agree! Look, can some of these people be intolerable? Holy shit, yes.
But instead of being rude, I act like a normal person.
I smile to their face, and then I mock them privately.
Could you maybe try that? All right.
All right, I will try to be less of a, um Oh, God.
What did you call it? A dumb, cis bitch.
- A dumb, cis bitch.
- Right.
That's the one.
- Might be hard, though.
Wait till October when Ginger starts talking about her coven.
What the fuck is a coven? Hey, what are you doing? Um, nothing.
I thought we were gonna clean that together tomorrow.
- It's fine.
I needed the distraction.
Anything you want to talk about? I just got my hopes up about a guy and wasted 25 bucks on a cake.
What about you? Did you break up with your abs boy? Yeah, I told him it wasn't working.
But then he was doing pull-ups, so we had sex one more time.
I don't know.
I might just keep doing it.
It's good.
- Okay.
What heinous food was causing the smell? - All of it.
It was unplugged.
Oh, shit.
I totally unplugged it for Travis' airbrush machine.
I hate that this was my fault and it wasn't racism.
You wanna watch TV and eat an entire cheesecake with me? - Let's do it.
That looks good.
Right? This is the single best date I have ever been on.
Me too.
- Just check your phone.
We both heard it.
Wanna read it? You're serious? This is real.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll see you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, I got your text.
What is this important thing you want to talk about? Oh, I'm so dumb.
I meant to send that to Coach Woods.
It was just some soccer stuff.
- Okay.
- Ready for bed? Go to bed.

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