The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s01e04 Episode Script


Uh, did you just get a mysterious envelope and casually toss it aside without even opening it? - Mm-hmm.
- Fuck, you're cool.
Okay, I already know what's inside.
It's my invite to Kappa's pre-rush brunch later this afternoon.
- How can you be sure? Because as a future Kappa, I know how Kappas think.
And I also might've heard two girls in my Lit seminar talking about the envelope color.
"Mykonos sky blue.
" - Interesting.
I think of it as more of a "Sonic the Hedgehog" blue.
- Wait, Kappa invited you, too? - Sure did.
Got it last night.
What? Are you surprised? - Of course I'm surprised.
You wear sneakers with dresses.
Leighton, I'm gonna tell you what I told Whitney.
That sororities have a long history of exclusionary behavior that promote this kind of woman-on-woman warfare.
And that's why I will be abstaining from Greek life.
- Yeah, absolutely.
I'm totally on the same page.
- Did you get an envelope? - No, I did not.
Me neither.
Hey, can I give you some unsolicited feedback on what you're wearing? - Oh, my God, of course.
I love when people do that.
It's just Kappa is the most exclusive sorority on campus.
And this rush brunch is your first opportunity to show them that you fit in.
Okay, so what's wrong with what I'm wearing? It's jeans and sneakers.
And that is such a cute outfit for, like, grocery shopping.
I'm just saying there's still time to run home and change.
- Oh, my God.
Maybe you should change.
I look good.
You look like the perfume lady at Bloomingdale's.
That is the meanest thing you could've said to me.
I just I think you're overthinking it.
The invite said to dress casual.
This is what Kappa means by casual.
Yeah, this is some "Get Out" shit right here.
Hey, Mr.
G, I think you need to chugga chugga, chugga chugga chill out.
- That's so funny, right? - I love that catchphrase.
Chugga chugga chill out.
No, the sketch is about how catchphrases are lame.
No one would actually laugh at someone saying chugga chugga chill out.
Forget it.
Look, this guy, Danny Marawitz, he's a comedy legend.
He's also a "Catullan" alum, and he's going to be at this big alumni dinner they're throwing tonight.
I want to chat him up and convince him to be my mentor.
Oh, Bela, I'm sure he'd love to be your mentor.
You're the funniest person I know.
It's like I live with Bugs Bunny.
I know you mean that as a compliment, so thank you.
Hey, wait, actually, do you want to come with me as my plus one? - Uh, yeah.
I'd love to.
Okay, cool.
So if people like this Danny guy are going, it's probably going to be pretty fancy, right? - Fancy as shit.
- Oh, so like pantyhose fancy.
Kimberly, nothing is ever pantyhose fancy.
Okay, well, I only brought one dress with me to college.
- I'm sure it's fine.
Is it black? It's mustard.
Maybe we just go shopping.
Okay, fresh rosemary sprig in my drink.
I can get on board with this.
See? Kappa's living up to the hype.
Oh, do you see that blonde girl? That's super creative.
There's like 15 blonde girls over there.
Okay, first off, half of them are bronde.
No, I am talking about that one right there, Quinn Cannon.
She went to Spence.
She was like three years above me, and now she's president of Kappa and queen of the entire Essex social scene.
Quinn Cannon is exactly who I want to be in three years.
Okay, I am going to go mingle.
Are you good on your own? - I most definitely am not.
- You'll be fine.
All right, I can text you details about who you're talking to, if you need.
I've done extensive research on every single girl here.
And if you need any help, just start talking about celery juice.
Hey, you're Maura, right? Yeah.
You must be Nico's sister, Leighton.
How you liking Essex? I've been busy balancing schoolwork and extracurriculars and finding ways to apply the knowledge I gained last summer while interning for Dahlia Lithwick at Slate.
I feel like I'm interviewing you for a job.
- Did you rehearse this? - No.
Wait, your name is Ashley, too? I just met an Ashley.
Yeah, but I spell it A-S-H-L-E-E.
I know.
What were my parents smoking? Allie VanLandingham.
You were the senior social chair at Choate, right? - Um, yeah.
How did you know that? I mean there's only three Choate Kappas.
You, Madison, and Sheridan.
It's all on the website.
Stalker much? It it's public information.
Yeah, but I spell it A-S-H-L-E-I-G-H.
I spell it A-S-H-L-I-E.
Do you like celery juice? I have it every single morning.
Oh, my God.
Kappa girls are we and everywhere we are.
We wear the sacred letters, K-B-R.
Go, Kappa Beta Rho! Oh, my God, there's such good stuff in the Kappa hashtag.
- Mm.
- Would it be crazy - if we made one together? - Uh Hey, sorry.
I got to go.
- Yeah, no, of course.
I'll see I'll see you later.
Your sneakers are so cool.
And you actually play a varsity sport? That's so impressive.
Whitney, what's your phone number? We want to add you to our Kappa memes chain.
This has been so great, but I have a team bus to catch.
It was nice meeting you, and I look forward to seeing you all on "Selling Sunset" one day.
She's so fun.
Oh, this one's so pretty.
This looks like something Shania Twain would wear.
- Kimberly, no.
Please let me fix you.
I'm trying so hard.
- Okay.
So, have you met up with hot-ass Nico for any more French lessons yet? No.
Not since he bailed on me last time.
I'm not sure it'll be an ongoing thing.
But did you text him? - It's fine.
I don't want to bother him.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is the dress.
Fire emoji.
Head exploding emoji.
Tongue hanging out emoji.
You got to try this one out.
- This is beautiful.
Oh, it's way too expensive.
Kimberly, if you don't wrap your beautiful body in this dress, it will be a slap in the face of hot feminists everywhere.
- I can't afford this.
This will use up way too much of my "for emergencies only" credit card.
So, just leave the tags on and return it tomorrow.
Look at my big tits.
Hey, over here.
Hey, my God.
I am so excited to get out of town with you.
- Me too.
I kind of love hotels.
Aw, that's so cute but you're not going to like this one.
It's pretty gross.
Well, I'm sure you'll like it more than crashing on your couch for another night.
It's got to be so weird for you being around Michelle since you told her you're leaving her.
Let's not think about that right now.
Let's just think about all the hot hotel sex - we'll be having tonight.
- Mm.
Okay, okay.
Bus is ready.
We got to go.
And hide your boner.
Damn, bro.
Wait, let me carry your bag in front of it.
Just tuck it up behind your belt.
Come on.
- All right, everybody.
Let's get on the bus.
Leighton Murray.
We're you leaving without even saying hi to me? Oh, yeah, sorry.
I just Well, I knew you were really busy and I I was really vibing with the other girls.
So Yeah, I saw.
Look, everyone here is equally obsessed with Kappa.
They're just better at hiding it.
Let's go inside and get a drink.
So, you might major in math? Wow.
- I know it's lame.
- No, it's refreshing.
If I had to talk to another fucking marketing major, I was going to rip my ears off.
Hey, do you Cory in Theta? - Uh, yeah.
Nico got Covid from him.
Why? Well, according to my boyfriend, he has a huge crush on you.
- Yes, I have heard that.
- Would you be into him? - Yeah, no, 100%.
He's he's so cute.
I knew it.
I'm texting him right now that you like him.
Once we get to the hotel you're gonna want to eat some crackers or something, 'cause the team's going out hard tonight.
But don't we have a game tomorrow? It's fine.
The team we're playing is awful.
I'm telling you, tonight's the best team bonding night of the year.
You're gonna love it.
- All right, ladies.
I need to speak with you.
So, all eyes on me.
- Way ahead of you, handsome.
Coach Woods and I know that there was a lot of sneaking out last year after curfew.
And I just want to make it clear that that's not gonna happen again, okay? - I have a question.
- Okay, what is it? How'd you get so fine? Okay, I get it.
There's some weird jokes among you girls that I'm, like, attractive or whatever, but I am your coach, and I deserve respect.
Okay? All right, so when we get to the hotel Take your shirt off! No, I'm not going to take my shirt off.
And you can't talk to me like that, okay? - Okay, Daddy.
- No, do not call me Daddy.
I'm not your sexy Daddy.
- Put me to bed, Daddy.
- Oh, come on.
Oh, man.
So many "Catullan" alums showed up.
Oh, my gosh there's a helium balloon arch.
I've always wanted to walk under one.
- Me too.
- Can you take a picture of me with it? - Yeah, sure.
Yes, girl.
So hot.
Oh, my God, you look so fucking hot.
Hey, uh, so that's Ryan, the nice editor.
And that's Eric, the mean editor.
Oh, and that's Peter Cook, class of '84.
He wrote like all of Greg's funny lines on "Dharma and Greg," just in case you talk to him and that comes up.
- He's good at Greg, got it.
Oh, hey, isn't that the chugga chugga guy? Yeah.
Hey, do you mind mingling with the other plus ones for a bit? I'm going to go talk to him and I don't want you watching as I make love to his ego.
Of course, don't worry about me.
I'm gonna hobnob like it's my hob job.
- Yeah, please don't.
- I won't try to be funny.
I'll just, like, talk to old ladies about recent "Jeopardy!" episodes.
Oh, thank you.
Lila, Canaan.
Hey, how are you guys? - Uh, Kimberly? - How cool is this? Have you guys seen the seafood tower? It has three tiers.
- Wait, so you're a guest here? And we're, like, serving you? - Yeah, that's weird.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm barely a guest.
I'm my roommate's plus one, and I'm just here on a technicality.
Those look good.
Would you like one of my coconut shrimp? - I'm good.
I just had something.
And do you want to put your little stick on my trash tray? No.
I'm going to hold on to it for a bit.
I'm gonna take a lap.
Excuse me, you're Danny Marawitz, right? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm Bela Malhotra.
I'm a "Catullan" hopeful.
I'm jealous.
I'm just here admiring pictures of myself without a receding hairline.
Well, if it's more hair you want, I waxed my arms this morning.
So there's basically an Elvis wig in my garbage can.
I'm sorry, that was gross.
I'm just nervous to talk to you.
That's really funny.
What's your name again? - Uh, Bela Malhotra.
Well, good luck, Bela.
Gentlemen, don't hit me up for money please.
Leighton? Did you buy a chair? Yes.
If I'm going to be here for 100 hours, I'm not spending them on a couch that's older than I am.
Oh, my God, you know, you can't And before you jump on my dick, my shift is over in ten minutes and I've done a bunch of work.
I restocked the tampons in the bathroom.
I restocked the tampons in the couch room.
And I even gave a girl a pamphlet on the prison industrial complex.
Okay, um, if you want to shave off some hours, I could really use your help tonight.
It's a panel on the ABCs of the LGBTs.
You'll hate it.
- Yeah, I can't.
I have a I have a thing.
- A date? - Yes.
- Ooh, this'll be so much fun.
Okay, let me guess your type.
His name, Gareth.
His dad, the "Monopoly" man.
And his hobbies, they include sailing and benefiting from generational wealth? You forgot belittling waiters, but yes.
Otherwise, that's about right.
Well, that sounds like my personal nightmare.
- Mm.
- Condoms on your way out if you want them.
- Yeah, no thank you.
I do not hook up on the first date.
Whatever you say.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I know I was being weird before, but that was because of something else.
And I'd love a Sprite, please.
- Okay, sure.
One Sprite.
What are you doing? - Oh, sorry.
Is that not enough? Fine, here.
What the hell is wrong with you? It's a Sprite.
- I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do.
- Don't worry about it.
Keep your money.
No one else here is tipping anyway, so Hold on, I have an idea.
Wow, a bartender on full scholarship, and he makes a mean martini! Here is a 20.
- What the hell? - When people know we're on financial aid, they tip more.
Okay, I get that you're trying to help, but there's no way that's going to work, so - I'll take a martini.
- Hmm.
Coming right up.
And Kappa's basically Theta's sister sorority, so You know, it would be great if Nico and me Yeah.
I'm sorry, am I boring you? Hey, I got to ask you, what is this? What do you mean? When I saw you this summer, and then with your brother a couple weeks ago, you know, you kind of seemed into me.
And then, I don't know, whenever I'd try to hit you up, you ghost me.
And then all of a sudden you want to go to dinner? Something just kind of seems off with you.
I I just got to school like a month ago.
I'm sorry I don't hit you up to dry hump me every night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not what I meant at all.
- No, I know.
I'm sorry.
I just I'm sorry.
Look, Cory, I really like you.
- Do you, Leighton? 'Cause sometimes I think Should we go back to your place? I could talk about Kappa some more.
I would love that.
It was great chatting with you, too.
- You as well.
- Thank you.
My pleasure.
Dude, I am networking my hot little ass off.
Excuse me? Can I have your attention please? Oh, that's Danny.
I am gonna get in his eyeline and laugh really hard.
Uh, my time at "The Catullan" changed my life.
And I've spent the last 20 years trying to change it back.
But seriously, there is no better place to launch a comedy career.
With the skills you'll learn here and the connections you'll make, soon you'll be working in writer's rooms with other funny guys and their marginally funny girlfriends they've hired through nepotism.
But jokes aside, I think it's great that there are some female writers now.
Like this girl right here.
I had the chance to chat with her earlier, and I honestly think that people like her are the future of comedy.
A young Indian woman? Soon she'll be the only one of us who can sell a television show.
Let me guess, about a quirky ethnic woman trying to balance her love life and her career.
Yeah, that's compelling.
- Hey, hey.
- You want? Oh, shoot.
- Wait, wait you need one.
You need one.
Go, go.
Okay, okay, where are we going? A mini-golf course that shares a parking lot with a McDonald's.
God damn, that sounds amazing.
Thank you.
- Hump that dino.
- Yo, babe.
Yeah, baby.
- Yeah, I got it.
This is 1000% going on my Tinder profile.
Okay, look.
- Okay, it's lit.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, all right.
- Thank you.
- What was that? - What? Nothing.
Oh, shit.
You're hooking up with Coach Dalton.
He may have hilarious catchphrases, but that guy was such a jerk.
I really hated everything he said.
Hey, thanks for being a good sport.
Anything for the laugh, right? You're an asshole.
Easy, honey.
Don't get upset.
I promise you, it's not a good look.
I used to look up to you, but now I don't even remember why.
You haven't worked in, like, ten years and you know why? Because you're not funny anymore.
You're like toxic podcast funny, at best.
So, chugga chugga, chugga chugga eat shit.
You can forget about my donation check.
- Wait, w what are you wait.
Hey, Danny, wait.
I think it's crazy you haven't worked in ten years.
You don't need his money anyway, right? I have so many questions.
When did this start? Is he as good at sex as he looks? And bitch are you crazy? Answer the sex one first.
- I know.
I know it's insane.
Okay? But I can't help myself.
I I think I, like, love him.
- You love him? - Willow.
Please keep your voice down.
Okay, no one can find out.
This whole team is full of secrets, and I never share them.
Last spring, Jena ran over a dog.
- You just shared one.
Willow, please.
Okay, this could ruin Dalton's career.
And with my mom being a senator, it would be this whole big thing.
Okay, you really can't say anything.
- Say anything about what? - Hey, Jena.
Uh, Willow and I are actually in the middle of an important, private conversation.
- About what? - News and current events.
What the fuck do you care? Go ahead, go.
Okay, chill.
Can we just get out of here? Can we stop at the McDonalds on the way home? - Yes.
- All right.
Well, they're definitely fucking.
You down? Yeah, I'm fine.
Bela, I I really think you overreacted.
Danny can't be sexist.
He only hires female assistants.
- She's right.
I told him my name, and he said he'd just call me Ali Wong.
He's rude, and I'm glad Bela said something.
It'll be okay.
- Maybe we should just go.
- I'll go get our coats.
- Bela, right? The roast master herself.
Yeah, now might not be the time.
I overheard what you said to Danny.
And I want to thank you.
Danny Marawitz is and always has been a total shit.
He and I were tapped in the same year, and his favorite "joke" was to call me gay.
And I am gay, so that sucked.
He made "The Catullan" a living hell for everyone on staff for four years.
But until tonight, I've never seen anyone go back at him.
I'd be happy to write a check to replace his donation.
He said he was donating 20 grand.
I'd be happy to write a check to replace half his donation.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Kimberly.
We wanted to give this to you.
It's all of your fake tips and then a cut of everything else that we made.
What? No.
I can't take that.
We thought it was only fair and he was reluctant at first, but I convinced him.
It was definitely the other way around.
- That's a lie.
An impossible to prove lie.
It's really nice of you guys but Oh, my God, just take it.
It's like a real small percentage of what we made.
- Very small.
- We wouldn't have made anything without your help.
- Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
- Oh, no, no.
That's not how this works.
Help does not tip help.
Willow, you swear you won't tell anyone? Whitney, I know this may be tough for you to believe, given all the men's hoodies I wear, but I was closeted once.
I can keep a secret.
Now, go have gross, straight sex with our coach.
And do not wake me up when you get back.
- Okay.
- Hmm? You're a good friend.
Drink water.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
I feel terrible.
We had plans and I just lost track of time.
It's all good.
Tonight I get to fall asleep next to you for the first time.
Well don't fall asleep, yet.
Go to bed.

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