The Simple Life (2003) s04e01 Episode Script

The Nolan Family

WOMAN: Hi.
How are you today? NICOLE: Hi.
How are you? Can I have a regular latte, please? Thank you.
-Have a great one.
-Thanks.
You, too.
(LOCK BEEPlNG) (BARKlNG) A chai tea latte.
(WHlSPERlNG) Also, can I get a cookie and a coffee and send it over to that girl? (WHlSPERS) Yeah, sure.
-Excuse me.
I didn't order this.
-That lady over there sent it to you.
We've been best friends our whole life, -since we were two years old.
-Yeah.
We've always spent all our time together.
NARRA TOR: Since age two, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were best friends forever.
(LAUGHS) But now, their relationship is over.
WOMAN: A rift between best friends.
MAN: The Paris and Nicole fight.
MAN 2: The famous feud between Paris and Nicole.
NARRA TOR: Nobody really knows why.
But whatever the reason Bambi? (WHlNlNG) That bitch let my dog out.
NARRA TOR: They hate each other's guts, and yet, (CASH REGlSTER RlNGlNG) the show must go on.
This season, we'll get an inside look at Paris and Nicole, as they juggle their hectic private lives All right, we're gonna go from the first line? PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank God.
Now, we're gonna get cover.
while facing their biggest challenge yet.
(SCREAMlNG) NARRA TOR: The girls have proven they can do almost anything.
But, when it comes to relationships, they both ha ve a lot to learn.
I love you, girls.
So to help them find out about life in a lasting relationship, they'll ha ve to take on the roles of traditional housewives.
That's right.
Housewives.
I don't know how to do that.
Not happening.
My biggest thing is I just don't want a saggy vagina.
NARRA TOR: Each week, the girls will take turns visiting families, and replacing the woman of the house.
The lesson for the day is learning how to take care of a toddler.
Whatever these wives say, Paris and Nicole will have to do.
-lsn't this better than doing chores? -ALL: Yeah! NARRA TOR: And along the way, they'll find out that life as a wife (SCREAMS) isn 't that simple.
Take it.
I'm going to throw up.
(EXCLAlMS) (COUGHlNG) It's okay.
It's okay.
(WAlLlNG) NARRA TOR: Good luck, girls.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: Los Angeles, California.
The place that pop culture icons Paris and Nicole call home.
Shut up.
And at the Hilton mansion, the excitement ofparenthood is in the air.
PARlS: What's wrong, Tinks? She's acting weird.
-Here.
We can do that.
-What is that? Pregnancy test.
Blue means you're not pregnant and white means you are.
(CHUCKLES) -What is that? -Blue? -She's not pregnant.
-You're not Yay.
Don't you ever worry me like that again.
NARRA TOR: Looks like life will remain the same for Tinkerbell.
Her breath smells like crap.
But not so for Paris and Nicole -Hi.
Can I have my car, please? -Yes, ma'am.
as they get ready to take on the challenge ofbecoming traditional housewives.
This isn't my car.
I'm sorry.
This is your car for today.
(YELPS) Anyway, I'm just on my way to this family's house.
NARRA TOR: So they're off to the Nolan family, where they'll take turns being Mrs.
Nolan.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Uh-oh.
We better go get the door.
Who is it? -Paris.
-DOUG: Uh-oh.
My goodness.
-DOUG: Oh, my goodness.
-Look, a doggie.
DOUG: Doggie, wow.
BOTH: Hi.
SHARl: Welcome.
DOUG: Hey.
-Hi.
I'm Nicole.
-Nice to meet you.
-Hi.
How are you? -Hey, Nicole.
Doug.
Hi.
I'm Nicole.
(GlGGLES) -What's your name? -Lily.
Hi, Lily.
Nice to meet you.
-How many months pregnant are you? -Nine.
Oh, my gosh.
I guess, basically, the point of today is that you're gonna be kind of taking over from me, being Doug's wife.
Not in the sense of everything.
And taking care of her.
DOUG: You ever taken care of a three-year-old before? Um (WAlLlNG) (SCREAMS) Oh, that's so sick.
-SHARl: All right? -Yeah.
What we'll do is go into town, and I'll kind of give you a list of to-dos, so you'll be prepared.
All right, let's get started with some business.
So basically, I'm gonna leave you to take over, and the things that I would do in the morning is, you know, get up, empty the dishwasher.
I left some stuff out for you -to start baby-proofing.
-NlCOLE: Fine.
If you can get Lily down for a nap, then you can take a break.
Do you have, like, a sleeping pill that I can give her? Does she like Xanax? -Alcohol? -No.
No.
-What about your husband? -What about him? Well, like, aren't any duties for your husband? 'Cause I know that you're pregnant, so you guys haven't -SHARl: Well -I don't know if you wanted me to, like, spank him a little bit or (LAUGHS) So embarrassing.
You guys haven't in a while, right? -Um -I'm the nice one.
She is the evil one.
All right.
Cool.
I'm not like that girl at all.
-SHARl: You're not? -No.
-We'll see, okay? -We're complete opposites.
If you want me to sleep with him, let me know.
What I want you to take away from this day is how it feels to be nine months pregnant.
But how am I supposed to be pregnant if I don't sleep with your husband? Well, I have a solution for you.
-Okay? -Okay.
SHARl: Oh, yeah.
All right.
-This is your own baby.
-Here.
Do you not want to lift it? Yeah, you take it, -'cause it's really heavy for me.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's so heavy.
I feel bad for you.
So, you're gonna take this upstairs, you're gonna put this on.
-Maybe Doug can help you.
-Who's Doug? -Who's Doug? -My husband.
Oh, okay.
Who you'll be spending the day with today.
And then I am going to leave, and you're gonna take over.
Perfect.
(EXCLAlMS) PARlS: What should I wear, Lily? I want This.
It's so ugly.
Your mom has bad taste in clothes.
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
I look horrible.
All right.
Watch Lily.
Keep an eye on her.
-Of course.
-No sex with Nicole.
-Oh, come on.
-Come on.
-NlCOLE: Don't worry.
-All right.
Okay.
-Be nice.
-I'll fulfill all your duties.
Uh-huh.
(EXCLAlMlNG) Are you excited for your mom to have a baby? Yeah.
-ls it a boy or a girl? -A boy.
-What's the name? -Aiden.
-I don't like that name, do you? -Yes.
-You do? -Yeah.
I think you should name him something different.
Like Elvis.
-No, I like Aiden's name.
-Why? -Because I do.
-Your name is cool.
Like, your name's Lily.
It's like a flower.
He should be named, like, Cactus or His name is already Aiden.
I like that name.
(SlGHlNG) Oh, my God.
NARRA TOR: Now that the girls look the part, they're ready to assume the role ofpregnant housewife.
Oh, God.
First up is the dishwasher.
-ls this clean or dirty? -It's cleaned.
Okay.
(EXCLAlMS) So I'm gonna teach you a lesson, Lily.
When you're older and you don't want to do housework, just do everything wrong, because then, you won't be asked to do it again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell's going on in here? -She did it.
-Lily.
NlCOLE: What do you like to do for fun? -Do you like to play with dolls? -Yeah.
-Do you like to get tattoos? -Yeah.
Do you want, like, "Rock and Roll" on your knuckles? -Yeah.
-Okay.
-Do you like it? -Yeah.
This is like the boys in jail.
It's cool.
You look like a rock star.
(LAUGHlNG) Who wrote all over you? What is that? -She did it.
-She did it? Yeah, okay.
-NlCOLE: Do you want any tattoos? -Uh I can make really good ones.
-Really? -Yeah.
Rock and roll.
(PHONE RlNGS) -Hello? -Hi.
It's Shari.
-Hi, gorgeous.
How are you? -I'm doing good.
How about you? Just taking a little break.
I'm shaving your husband's nipples.
-What? -Sweetie, I've got to go, 'cause my hands are full of your husband's nipple hair.
NlCOLE: Sorry.
I really need you to take care of this baby-proofing.
Isn't that one of the things on your chore list? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Ta-da.
DOUG: Shari's to-do list for the girls seems like anything that any 10 or 11-year-old should be able to accomplish.
Can you show me how to use it? I've never vacuumed before.
I can explain it to you.
(VACUUM WHlRRlNG) -Lily, where's Nicole? -I don't know.
-DOUG: Where'd she go? -I don't know.
(NlCOLE LAUGHlNG) -So, how'd the baby-proofing go? -Good.
-Good? -It's very safe now.
Really? Can I see what you did? (GROANS) Basically, it's totally baby-proof.
(GROANS) NlCOLE: I'll see you soon, bitch.
I love you.
NARRA TOR: Having already had her fill ofhousework, Nicole makes a clean escape from the Nolan home and calls her assistant to go have some fun with the tourists on Rodeo Drive.
Could I get you started with something to drink before your server gets here? Something hot, something cold, refreshing? Yeah, can I have five shots of tequila, please? Nicole? (WHOOPlNG) -NlCOLE: Hi, guys.
-Nicole! -How are you? -Good.
How are you? -I'm good.
-Lily was looking for you.
Oh.
We both were, actually.
You know, you left the vacuum running, so I didn't know how to turn it off.
Is it the same button as on? -Yes.
-Oh.
We got a few more things to do on the to-do list here, and don't forget, we still have to go to Lamaze class.
Sexy.
-PARlS: Lamaze class? -Lamaze class.
-Okay.
-And don't punch the baby.
It's too heavy.
I can't walk anymore.
Come on, I mean, I don't have any You have to carry me, or else I'm not going.
(SlGHS) All right.
-Am I heavy? -Yes.
-I'll just set you down temporarily here.
-I need my sunglasses.
Okay.
-There they are.
-Okay.
-I can open the door.
-Oh, there you go.
(SlGHS) PARlS: So why did you pick the name Aiden? I hate it.
You hate it.
I'm gonna name my kids London and China.
Hello and welcome to Lamaze.
You guys go ahead and take a seat, get in a comfy position.
Basically, it's okay to have sex while you're pregnant.
I need somebody to volunteer to demonstrate.
Great.
Nicole.
Go ahead and have a lay-down, on your back.
-There you go.
-Okay.
All right.
And, Mom, without your belly getting in the way, you're just gonna kind of straddle him there.
You can do it.
There you go.
Good job.
-Do you love it? -You're good at this.
Yeah.
Would your wife love it? And another thing that you can do is doggy My favorite.
Go ahead and show us how you would do that.
-Just need a little bit closer, here.
Perfect.
-Okay.
Right.
Okay.
-Feel right at home now.
-Very good.
I think I got knocked up this way.
(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG) PARlS: I really need to eat.
I'm craving, I'm pregnant.
I should get to eat whatever I want.
-$124.
50.
-WOMAN: Thank you, Doug.
(ALL CHEERlNG) (APPLAUSE) -All right, my man.
-Thanks, buddy.
Everyone dig in.
WOMAN: Okay, so since we're all having our snack, how about if we watch a movie while we're eating? -Sound good? -MAN: Great.
I hope you're all feeling nice and brave right now.
(GRUNTS) (EXCLAlMS) I'm gonna puke.
(WOMAN GROANlNG) What is that? No.
WOMAN: Notice Mom pushing nice and relaxed to allow the baby -What is that? -This is the beautiful part.
Oh, my God.
Hold on.
She's almost done.
(SCREAMS) -This is a natural process.
-I can't watch.
She's almost done.
Come back.
She's almost done.
There you go.
(EXCLAlMS) Anybody like some more pizza? (RETCHES) I feel sick.
NARRA TOR: Having witnessed the miracle ofbirth, Paris attempts to get over the traumatic experience.
But Doug has planned a practice run-through at the hospital where his wife will ha ve their baby.
DOUG: We have to do a practice run-through for when Shari actually gives birth.
What happened? -So you wait right here.
I'll be right back.
-PARlS: This sucks.
NARRA TOR: And Nicole has her own ideas on how to get Doug relaxed and ready for the new baby.
(WHOOPlNG) Come here, bitch.
Thanks, honey.
NARRA TOR: At West Hills Hospital, Doug is giving the practice run-through an enthusiastic start.
But Paris seems to ha ve her own priorities.
-Hold on.
Store.
Shopping.
-What? Okay.
We got to be quick, though.
'Cause I'm serious, I really got to get this done.
Hello? Hi, how are you? Good.
I was just holding your husband's phone.
-Do you want to talk to him? -Yes.
Okay, hold on.
One second.
It's your wife.
I'm not here OPERA TOR: We're sorry.
-Your call cannot be completed.
-DOUG: Oh, baby, don't stop.
Don't stop! PARlS: I would never wear this outfit.
I would ask to, like, have them custom-make one.
I'm just gonna have you, just kind of, get your legs back.
(SQUEALS) Finger.
And I want you to bring your legs back as far as possible here.
I feel like I'm being gang (CHUCKLES) Lily, what did Paris do to our house? (EXCLAlMS) This is disgusting.
Doug? NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole have each spent the day being Shari Nolan.
SHARl: What happened? But when Shari sees and hears what the girls have done, she may make them wish they'd been someone else.
It looks like a hurricane went through my kitchen.
This is disgusting.
There's cereal all over the floor.
-Now, that Lily did do.
-Who let her? Would I ever let her do that? (DOUG GlGGLES) So did you have a good time experiencing being a wife and mom? I learned I'm getting a full-time nanny.
(SHARl LAUGHS) And I want to have kids, but I don't actually want to give birth to them.
I'm scared of that.
So how was your day? -Good.
Yeah.
-lt was really good.
I put the dishes away, I tattooed your daughter and your husband, -I took him to a strip club -What? I'm gonna go upstairs and change really quick, and I'll be right back.
-Did you go to a strip club? -Yes.
What? Are you serious? Honestly, Shari, the whole time, I was wishing I was there with you, and you're the only girl for me, and I love you.
-Do I get a kiss? -We'll talk later.
Good night, guys.
-Thanks for coming and helping.
-I loved Lily.
I think Doug was very happy to have Shari back.
She's definitely a better housewife than I am.
Bye, guys.
I love you.
I really want to have kids, but maybe I'll just adopt.
-I had so much fun.
-Bye.
-lt was the best.
-lt was good to be with you.
-Bye.
-Bye, sexy.
So, I think if one of these women had to make a baby, and I had to choose which one it would be Thank you.
-Bye.
-DOUG: Say bye, Lily.
-Say bye-bye.
-Lily's gonna be the best stripper ever.
definitely Paris.
I think that Nicole might really mess up a kid's psyche.
NARRA TOR: It's five days later, and the Nolans are in labor, so Shari has invited Paris to lend a hand Hi.
ensuring Nicole is nowhere near her husband.
-I heard you were going into labor.
-Yes.
-Good to see you, gorgeous.
-Hi.
Good to see you.
-You look beautiful.
-Oh, thanks.
-Are you nervous? -Yes.
They're gonna cut me open.
Yuck.
SHARl: Okay, can you see the baby? DOUG: Not yet.
Oh, my goodness.
We're kind of opening up your uterus now.
(GROANS) -Here he comes, Doug.
-DOUG: All right, I'm ready.
PARlS: It's coming? It's coming out.
(BABY WAlLlNG) Oh, my God.
That was faster than a pizza delivery.
You guys rock.
Hi, little guy.
He has a big wiener.
So cute.
(BABY SCREAMlNG) Sorry.
NARRA TOR: This season on The Simple Life Being a housewife? Please, no problem.
It's a piece of cake.
(SCREAMlNG) I hope you all like the dinner I ironed.
Don't ever answer wrong again.
Do you have Advil? (EXCLAlMlNG) You crapped in the bath? -Does he still breastfeed? -No, no, no.
-So I shouldn't breastfeed him? -No, you shouldn't.
No! (YELLlNG) It smells like crap! I can't jump that far.
-What, are you trying to kill me? -Oh, my God.
Sorry.
-This is my dad.
-How are you? Dude, she wrecked my house.
See? She does have nice legs.
Shut up! If your bigger brother hits you, you've got to hit him back.
Good job.
Yeah.
What the hell is going on here? Nicole, what are you doing?