The Simple Life (2003) s05e07 Episode Script

Say Hello to Myke Hawke

(RlNGlNG) Hello, Camp Shawnee.
Nicole speaking.
Who's calling? Is this the Allison from the other night? Hunter, you have a phone call.
Please come in the office.
Hold on one second.
Yeah, do you want to take it in the other room? Yeah, I'll take it on the other side.
Hello? Hey, it's Allison from the other night.
-Hey, what's going on? -Oh, nothing.
I've just I've been thinking a lot about you and I had a great time with you.
I felt like we really had a connection.
ALLlSON ON PA: I was telling my girlfriend about you, and I was like, "God, this guy I met "is, like, super hot.
He has, like, this hot body " (EXCLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST) You're very nice as well.
You were very sweet.
-ALLlSON ON PA: Oh, thanks.
And that night at the winery was really nice.
I don 't know, I just I can 't wait to see you again, whenever that may be.
Yeah, I mean, you know, the winery's right down the road, so you should definitely stop by if you want to.
-All right.
Well, hey, Allison, thanks for calling, and I will talk to you very shortly.
Hunter has no game.
Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? So, Hunter and Allison, that wine girl -Do you like her? -I don't know.
I think so.
What's your vibe on him? You know when the guy, like, in the beginning, they, like, try so hard -it, like, turns you off? -Yeah.
So now that he's, like, being all shy, it's more interesting.
DAWN: Oh, well, I see someone coming.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole have survived camps on wellness, pageants, and couples ' counseling, but their next camp specialist will push the girls to new extremes, teaching them how to survive out in the wild.
I'm Myke Hawke, a captain in the United States Army Special Forces, also known as Green Berets.
-I'm Ed Bellante.
-Ed, nice to meet you.
Myke Hawke.
Myke Hawke? All right, come on in.
I can plan and conduct any type of special operations mission, but most importantly is I'm trained in how to interrogate and get to the bottom of whatever I want to find.
-This is Nicole.
-Nicole, nice to meet you.
-This is Hawke.
-Nice to meet you.
How are you? -Yeah, and this is Paris.
-Paris, nice to meet you.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
Okay, have a seat.
This week, the name of the game is survival.
NlCOLE: We're wearing dresses, so can you not have us do anything that makes us change? Because we like our outfits.
Let me think on that.
We're gonna have the campers this week learn that the only thing they really need to live out there, off the land, is just a knife and that's it.
(NlCOLE LAUGHS) With a knife, they can provide for themselves.
They can get food, water, shelter, make fires, everything.
Not sound too good? -No.
-PARlS: No.
What's the longest you've ever stayed out? In a real, hardcore scenario, 30 days.
-No hotels or cars? -Oh, please, no.
How many outfits? (LAUGHlNG) ED: It's a good question, no? -lt was a good question.
-Do you have a change of underwear? -One outfit! MYKE: No, you don't wear underwear.
-ED: See, good thinking here, girls.
-You don't wear underwear.
NlCOLE: What if something, like, crawls up you? -You eat it.
-And bites your balls? They do, and then you eat them.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG) -What have you eaten in your life? -Oh, pretty much if it moves -What's the grossest thing? -The grossest thing Have you ever eaten, like, a dog or a cat? Nobody owned them.
-What? -Nobody owned them.
You ate a dog? (BOTH LAUGHlNG) PARlS: Are you a cannibal? I haven't eaten anyone, but I absolutely would.
And you know someone's a good friend if they look you in the eye and they say, "Hey, if I go down, "you can eat me.
I give you permission.
It's okay.
" If I die, you can't eat me.
-Me either.
(GROWLlNG) NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole are more than a little worried about their hardcore new specialist.
Come on, campers.
But with campers already arriving, they've put on a bra ve face and get to work.
Welcome to Camp Shawnee.
-What's your name? -My name is Yoi, and I'm from West Hollywood.
Why did you decide to come to be a survivalist? Because my friends all seem to think that I'm high-maintenance.
(GROWLlNG) I just want to prove to them that, you know, pretty girls can do it, too.
To get ready for this whole crazy experience, I went and had a 60-minute deep-tissue massage yesterday, so I'm ready! Hi, gorgeous.
Are you here to prove that pretty girls can do it, too? No, I'm here to prove that I can survive in case there's a big earthquake here.
-PARlS: Nice.
Why are you here? I'm old and I have three boys back home, and they think their mom's just a psycho, high-maintenance woman, and I'm gonna prove them wrong.
-We like that.
-What's your name? -Roanna Louise from the Bay Area.
This is my sister.
We have, like, this whole idea that the world is gonna end soon.
-NlCOLE: What? -Like global warming or a comet.
I'm Ed, I'm the camp manager here, and my specialist is Myke Hawke.
And Myke is gonna be taking over from here on out.
Myke, I'm gonna turn it over to you right now.
All right, well, first of all, welcome.
I'm actually a little excited of what's gonna happen this week, because I've got, like, a major crush on Hawke.
You're all here for the same thing.
You're all gonna do the same thing.
You guys are gonna learn to live off the land.
When you leave here, you will know how to go out into the bush with nothing but a knife and do everything that you need to do.
Any questions? Good.
Didn't think so.
Can you demonstrate 10 pushups for me right now? Ten? I came to survival camp to represent my people, meaning the gays, 'cause we're underestimated, but I'm gonna prove that we can do it.
(ALL CHEERlNG) NlCOLE: Yeah! -Okay, Bogletee? -Yeah.
That's almost good except you used the wrong hand to salute with.
That's mighty slow.
Give me 10 pushups there, Tanabe.
Well, I can only do the girl pushup, and I have to, like, get on the ground, and I can't 'cause I'm wearing my leggings.
Let's just call it 15 now.
You're taking so much time, I guess you're building up all that energy.
What? I can't! What does this have anything to do with, like, being a survivor? -I got all week.
Counselors? Show them to their hooch.
-JULlE: Is he for real? -What? -This guy.
Like, for real? -Yeah.
-He, like, eats dogs and cats.
-He's really mean.
I do not like him.
Oh, my God! You're kidding me, right? Man on deck! Prepare your bags for inspection.
Ladies, take away anything that you feel they should not have.
-PARlS: Like what? -Lighters.
-You have beautiful skin.
Yes, thank you very much.
Now, conduct your inspections, please.
-You need to be standing at the front.
-Facing away.
-I don't know how you're gonna survive -with cigs.
MATTHEW: I don't know if you're gonna get much use out of these kind of shoes.
-YOl: No, just in case.
-Yeah, and that's just in case it gets cold.
PARlS: Do you drink vod? MAN: A little bit.
-I'm really surprised by that.
-It's not mine.
It's shocking.
-There's not even a sheet.
-I didn't even It wasn't me.
Hi, how's it going? I don't know if you remember me, -but I was at the winery last week.
-Oh, yeah, how are you? -I'm Allison.
-Nice to see you again.
-Nice to see you.
God, it's awesome here.
It's so beautiful.
Hunter, he gave me a call.
He said he wanted to go for a hike or something, but I think we're gonna be doing some other things, if you know what I mean.
You know, I've really gotten to know Hunter over the past couple of weeks, and he's a really good guy.
And I don't know where he is, so maybe you should leave.
NARRA TOR: Hawke is ready to get things rolling.
Ladies and gentlemen, give me a formation right here.
Team A, team B.
Richie! Hilton! NARRA TOR: But Paris and Nicole have other priorities.
-Do you like these glasses? -Yeah, they're hot.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) MYKE: Ladies, how long before you're ready? NlCOLE: Like, an hour or two.
Hurry up, you're taking too much time.
You got your people out here.
They're gonna die without you.
They need you.
Is he okay? Is he on crack? Who throws a garbage can at two girls? I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you.
Could you repeat that? -I didn't really understand you.
-MAN: Oh, yes.
(GROWLlNG) You are now about to take a physical fitness test.
Tanabe? Ow! I think I just sprained my arm.
(YELPlNG) Oh, my God! I'm about to pass out.
Every time you come up, you have to give me a kiss on each cheek.
Now, that's training.
-ls anyone counting? -MAN: No! I'm gonna die! MAN: You guys are doing good so far.
Yeah, I think they're doing great.
Wait a minute.
Have you lost somebody? -She's right there.
-She was cramping.
Because she's on her period GlRLS: Ew! Do you think that she should be, like, walking in the woods? Like, I know that, like, sharks are attracted to blood.
Not that there's sharks in the woods, but, like, are there any wood animals that might, like, climb up her box because she's on her period? No! Oh, my God, you're gonna get (BLEEP) by a bear! (CHUCKLlNG) MYKE: Take your team to the chow hall.
I'll deal with them later.
(GROWLlNG) All right, survivors, I got chow for you, so come on over and get your grub.
That's right, bring your appetite to the table.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST) I'm gonna be sick.
MYKE: This is what we call a cricket shooter.
Now, the trick to these guys, preferably, I recommend Now, the trick to these guys, preferably, I recommend you take off the legs, okay, because they get stuck in your teeth.
Then you pop the rest in your mouth, and just give it a quick chew and it's done.
It's over, he's dead.
Okay? And you have the nutrition.
That said, these are particularly tasty.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG) I teach survival to people all the time, okay? The whole thing about survival is I'd rather lay down and die and not get home and see my loved ones, or this little critter right here is going down the pie hole, and I'm gonna live.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG) -Are you chewing it? -Not anymore.
(EXCLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST) Everybody, grub's up.
Help yourself.
Everyone needs to do something.
If everyone does it first, then Nicole will do a worm, I'll do a cricket.
Okay, it's cricket time.
One, two, three.
(EXCLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST) (WOMAN SHOUTS) (RETCHES) Did it wiggle down your throat? -MAN: All right.
-Pretend like it's a wiener.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) One, two, three.
(PEOPLE CLAPPlNG) All right, I'm gonna do it.
Are you guys ready? MAN: Yeah.
-Which one would you do? -A baby one.
-It's not that little.
-No, put that one back! They're all, like, that big.
That one, that one.
(EXCLAlMS) Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Go for it.
One, two, three.
NARRA TOR: Nicole is about to get a squirmy lesson in survival nutrition.
That one, that one.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-One -One, two, three.
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG) One for the team.
I could not believe you just did that.
Ready for this? I don't want to do it.
No, I ate a worm.
You have to do it.
-It's little.
I'll put a little sauce.
-It's big.
Are you ready? One, two, three.
I've become vegetarian as of today.
I can't eat that.
NlCOLE: You're no longer part of this camp unless you do it.
Okay, I'm thoroughly impressed.
I really am.
But some of y'all suck.
Y'all ain't gonna make it with that kind of attitude.
That said, y'all got about 30 minutes to do personal hygiene and then get into your hooch.
NARRA TOR: Hawke takes the last of the confiscated alcohol and stashes it in his cabin.
Well, is someone gonna get that back? Good night, everybody.
CHARLlE: Good night.
MAN: Good night.
All right.
NARRA TOR: While Hawke finishes up in the bathroom, some of the guys scheme to get their bottle of vodka back from Hawke's cabin.
They're starting to piss me off.
Everybody, on your feet.
Get your clothes on.
-Come on out and stand by the fireplace.
-I'm asleep.
-Nobody's sleeping.
Everybody's coming out till that bottle of booze shows up.
You got one minute.
Why did you guyswith me like that? -Give me that.
Give me the bottle.
-You caught us.
-Well Now you don't play the game.
Everybody's gonna get up -and come around the fire -No, no, no, really? and we're all gonna talk.
No, it's too late.
You're trying to sneak stuff on me, okay? You're lying, you're cheating.
You guys have just (BLEEP) your buddies.
You got everybody upset.
You're making people lose sleep because you're playing some silly Shut your pie hole.
Tanabe, I asked you to come out.
-MAN: Let me just say this -She's in there crying.
Ain't nobody hurt her.
Let me tell you something, -what I think about this bottle of booze.
-No, no, no.
-You pour it out.
-I'd have let you had it, if you had asked me.
Here we are on lap two, girl.
Come on.
MYKE: Ladies, this is supposed to be a run.
NlCOLE: That one girl's such a bitch.
Yoi, or whatever.
She's just so like I'm just not down with her.
Like, she doesn't do anything except complain and, like, talk about, like, spas.
And so desperate.
-YOl: Yes.
I see you're packing your bags.
-Yes, I am.
-Why are you leaving? This camp wasn't really for me, but I'm sure you have great campers with the rest, that they'll be your great students.
Best of luck.
You're lazy, you're spoiled, and you're quitting.
-I am.
-So thanks for coming.
Have a nice life.
NlCOLE: You know what? Being that spoiled isn't cute.
Don't think you're above anyone, you know? PARlS: She didn't do anything yesterday.
Everyone else was, like, eating bugs.
Like -Didn't everyone in this room eat a bug? -Absolutely.
NlCOLE: She's a waste of space.
PARlS: Oh, my God! (ALL LAUGHlNG) All right, now we get serious.
The knife.
The knife is the most important thing that you need in survival.
The knife that you have says a lot about you.
Ladies first.
Ladies, choose your blade and tell us why.
(WOMAN GlGGLlNG) Why'd you pick the largest weapon out there? It is as tall as you are.
'Cause it's the biggest and the baddest, and I can probably chop someone's nuts off with it.
-And you? -Because I'm really lazy, and I wouldn't want to carry a big one, so I could just put this in my pocket.
We have your training.
WOMAN: No! -Grab a fish.
-Look at that.
So gross.
What do I do? Slice it like a tomato? MYKE: Lop off the head first.
There you go.
Hilton, come over here, grab that blade and stick it in the rear here and hold it.
Tap it down.
There you go.
(ALL SHOUT) Slice it all the way up to where the head used to be.
Okay, well, scrape that out.
MAN: Oh, my God.
I got a bleeder.
I got a man down.
-I'll take you to the nurse's office.
-The old sympathy technique.
We just need some, like, Band-Aids and stuff.
A little bit of an accident.
Ow! Do we have anything to kill the pain? Can you hold this hand for me? (EXCLAlMlNG lN PAlN) -ls this good exercise? -(LAUGHS) Yeah, it is.
PARlS: I'm a really good nurse.
NARRA TOR: While Paris was able to mend the camper's finger, Hunter is still hoping she can mend his aching heart.
But he wants Nicole's opinion first.
Hey, can I talk to you? -Y eah.
-I've been doing some thinking.
My time, I think, is pretty much running out.
For what? Just to get to know Paris.
I thought you were over it.
I don't know.
I mean, any time I look at the girl I get choked up.
You have to step up to the plate.
I've been telling you this since day one.
That's right.
The worst she can say is what? "No," or, "Get lost"? -Yeah.
" You being shy has gotten you nowhere.
You're a man.
You have to act like a man.
-All right, I'm gonna do it.
-All right.
-All right, cool.
-Good luck, Hunty.
Thanks, Nicole.
-Hey, what's up? -I'm just chilling.
Chilling? I'm gonna be completely honest.
Call me a fool, you know, whatever else, but I don't care.
Seriously, like, I've seen a different side of you than most people do, and I've completely fallen for that, so If I don't say something, I'm gonna kick myself in the ass later for not, so I just Here I am.
I mean, take it or leave it, but I think you're really great, so -Thank you.
And I think you are, too.
-You have some nail polish stuff on -I know.
NARRA TOR: Hunter has again laid his heart on the line for Paris.
And this time it seems to be working.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) -Hey, Paris.
-Hey, Matt.
-Hey, guys.
-What's going on, buddy? You all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.
I will talk to you, you know, later.
I mean, yeah, I'm fine.
(SlGHlNG) (LAUGHS) I need everybody to start gathering up some firewood.
NARRA TOR: Paris isn't the only one with love on her mind.
Another camper has her eye on Hawke.
I'm gonna show you guys how to use a magnesium bar.
Oh, wow.
(ALL CHEERlNG) MYKE: All right.
Once you get your little spark going, and you get that little bit of fire, you're gonna feed it ever so gently.
I mean, it's a very delicate process.
But if you go slow, you usually get your fire going pretty quickly.
-So, our guy Hawke -I know.
He's cute.
-Do you like him? -Yes.
I think he's sexy.
You do? I feel like he doesn't meet many girls.
I'm sure girls never, like, come up and hit on him.
-You should just kiss him.
-You want me to? -Yeah, you're a hot bitch.
-Thank you.
Loves it.
Go get him, tiger.
-Are you gonna watch? -I'm watching from here.
-Can I have a little chat with you? -All right.
I just have to tell you I think you're really, like, hot and sexy.
And I am a woman that always gets what she wants.
I just had a full-on tonsil check.
-Did you use tongue? -Yeah, she did.
See, you just had to go for it, bitch.
Wow! Campers, go to your cabins.
Don't be a slut.
Just kiss.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) (GROWLlNG) Coming up on The Simple Life.
MYKE: Y'all start getting packed, 'cause we're getting ready to go to the bush.
How much farther? Welcome to Hawke Hotel.
My friends have this song, and every time they play it, I think ofyou.
This is one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me.