The Simpsons s05e12 Episode Script

Bart Gets Famous

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
" [Jazzy Solo .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
Ah, the morning horoscope.
''Today will be a day like every other day.
'' D'oh! It just gets worse and worse.
" [ Whistling The Simpsons Theme .]
Bart, I've asked you not to whistle that annoying tune.
- Jawohl, mein Mommandant.
- Why are you so happy? Yeah.
You kids gotta go to school.
I gotta go to work.
The only one who has it easy is Marge.
[ Grunting .]
We're having a field trip today.
Ah, Lise, won't it be great to cast off the shackles of the soul-crushing hellhole that is Springfield Elementary? Oh! I'm sorry.
I forgot.
Your class isn't going.
You're right, Bart.
School is for losers.
''And that's how I cured all disease, ended war and reunited the entire cast ofTV's Facts of Life including longtime holdout Tootie.
'' Ohh.
! Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish.
Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize.
How ironic.
Yo! Lise! Lise! - Come back, Lise! Come back! - Why? I'm so much happier here.
And now, Principal Skinner will tell us where we'll be going on this year's field trip.
Thank you, Edna, everyone.
[ Clears Throat .]
Now, class, I wonder who among you can tell me what this is? Oh! Not the box factory again, Seymour.
[ All Groaning .]
This may well prove fascinating.
I know.
I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy.
Class, instead of going to the box factory today we'll be going to the box factory.
Damn TV! You've ruined my imagination just like you've ruined my ability to-- to, um-- uh-- Oh, well.
" [ Cartoon .]
" Fifty-six boxes of bottles of beer on the wall " " Fifty-six boxes of bottles of beer " "You take one down and pass it around " "Fifty-fve boxes ofbottles ofbeer on the wall " [ Gasps .]
[ Laughter, Chattering .]
[ All Groaning .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
Ho! [ Man .]
The story ofhow two brothers and fve other men parlayed a small business loan into a thriving paper goods concern is a long and interesting one.
And here it is.
It all began with the fling of Form 63 7 / A-- the application for a small business or farm-- Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years.
Textiles, other boxes, even children's candy.
Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? - No.
- Will they ever? No.
We only make boxes to ship nails.
- Any other questions? - When will we be able to see a finished box, sir? Oh, we don't assemble them here.
That's done in Flint, Michigan.
- Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery? - No.
And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? - No, that has never happened.
- Any popped eyeballs? I'm not sure what kind of factory you're thinking of.
We just make boxes here.
This room is the most popular part of our tour.
It's just like the other rooms.
Yes, but with one important difference.
We took that out.
Yes, it is just like the other rooms.
- What's that building over there? - That's just a TVstudio where they film Krusty the Clown and other non-box-related programs.
Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.
- [ All Groaning .]
- Oh, man.
Now, here's my office.
If you'll direct your eyes to the floor, you'll see a yellow line.
Follow it.
It will lead you around my desk and back out the door.
[ Skinner.]
I gotta get out of here.
Aha! The perfect escape.
[ Grunts .]
Oh! Ah! Do you work here, little boy? - Yeah.
- Well, then, go right in, sir.
- Yeah.
- Well, then, go right in, sir.
- Bart! - [ Chattering, Shouting .]
I'll handle this.
Simpson, I'm giving you until the count of three to come out.
One! Two! Three! - I've done all I can do.
- We'd better call his parents.
- [ Ringing .]
-Just a minute! - Don't hang up! - [ Dial Tone .]
[ Groaning .]
No answer at home.
I'll call his father.
- [ Ringing .]
-Just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello? You'll have to speak up.
I'm wearing a towel.
[ Chattering .]
Somebody need a script? - Action! - Ay, ay, ay.
!:No me gusta.
! [ Sighs, British Accent .]
I'm sorry.
I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan.
- What's the matter, luv? - It's just-- It's-It's the same, old, tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit.
- How about a giant mousetrap? - I love it! - Action! - Ay, ay, ay.
!:No me gusta.
! Ay, es grande.
! What do you mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! Oh, my God! That's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A box! " [ Humming .]
- I said I wanted a Danish.
! - I'm sorry.
- All the Danishes are gone.
- They're not gone.
- You're gone! - Uh-oh.
[ Muttering .]
''Tragic news tonight.
in a tidal wave in Kuala La-la--'' ''Pur--'' ''Kuala Lum-pur--'' - France.
- Yoink! Yoink? [ Gasps .]
Ah, heck.
Now, where am I gonna get a Danish? - Here's a Danish, Krusty.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme! [ Eating Loudly .]
Now, that's Danish.
Where'd you get it? I stole it from Kent Brockman.
Great! Uh, he didn't touch it, did he? No.
Good job, kid.
What's your name? I'm Bart Simpson.
I saved you from jail.
Oh, I-- I reunited you with your estranged father.
Uh, I don't, uh-- I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately? - I got you that Danish.
- And I'll never forget it.
Hey, kid.
Wow! A big clown hankie.
It's a towel, you yutz.
! I want you to wash it.
You're my new assistant.
Cool! Yeah, I know I'm on.
But I don't care.
I don't read the news until I get my Danish.
Go ahead.
Try to find a replacement.
Aah! A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 1 20 people.
Ay, chihuahua.
! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Marge, I have some horrible, bone-chilling news! - [ Gasps .]
What is it? - Hi, Homer.
- Oh, nothing.
- Hey.
That's my lucky red hat sittin' on top of a double-corrugated, eight-fold, 1 4-gauge box.
Oh, it sounds like you really learned something on your field trip.
Think you'd be interested in a career as a box maker? Well, that'll always be the dream.
But for now, I got a job in the show business.
From now on, I'll be helping Krusty the Clown after school.
Mmm, I don't know, Bart.
You're only 1 0.
I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight.
[ Scoffs .]
That's not a job.
It's a waste of time.
What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody! So, anyway, can I, Mom? - Can I take the job? - Well-- Why not? I remember my first after-school job.
I was in a band.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Archie Bell, and I'm also The Drells.
We got a new song called ''Tighten Up,'' and this is the music you tighten up with.
[ Groaning, Muttering .]
Hey, whatsa matter, you? You crazy kid, you chasing away my business.
- Buzz off, Giuseppe.
- Pepe, go for the face! - [ Screeching .]
- [ Screaming .]
- " [ Continues .]
- Help! Aah! Yes, Son.
You can have an electric guitar just like your old man.
Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.
Gig, Son.
When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
- Wow.
Being in show business is like a dream.
- [ Slurping .]
We're really lucky, aren't we? - I wish I was dead.
- Don't listen to him, kid.
This is a dream factory.
The birthplace of magic and enchantment.
Now I need you to go clean out my toilet.
Right in here, boy.
If it-- Ooh! I don't know what I was thinking last night.
This'll take you a couple hours.
I'm tellin' ya.
I do work on the Krusty Show.
- Look at the credits.
- Bye-bye, kids! - [ Chuckling .]
- [ Children Cheering .]
I'm Kent Brockman.
On the 1 1 :00 news tonight a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal.
We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.
There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson.
Looks more like ''Brad Storch.
'' No, it says, ''Betty.
'' ''Betty Symington.
'' - That's for taking credit for other people's work.
- Oh! It's okay, Son.
Who cares what a bunch of fourth-graders think? You're doing what you want to do with your life.
Nothin' else matters.
Thanks, Dad.
That's great advice.
Well, that's what got me where I am today.
- Oh.
- There, there.
- Would you sign my picture, Krusty? - Sure, kid.
Get in line.
[ Groaning .]
- Okay, kids, open your books to page 60-- - [ Cell Phone Ringing .]
- Yes, Krusty? - Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick.
Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop.
- Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- Oh! I wish I was dead.
Aah! There's cheese in this sandwich! Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant! - Sorry.
- Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? [ Groans .]
Oh, boy.
Come stand next to the bathroom door.
I want to yell at you some more.
[ Groans .]
Why,you little rapscallion-- - Oh, show business sucks.
I'm outta here.
- [ Shouting Continues .]
The most hideous child I have ever witnessed.
! Bart! I need to use you in a sketch.
- You want me to be on the show? - It's just one line.
- Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead.
- Dead? Or sick.
I don't know.
I forget.
Anyway, all you gotta do is say, ''I am waiting for a bus.
'' Then I hit you with pies for five minutes.
Got that? - ''I am waiting for a bus.
'' - Makes me laugh.
Let's go.
- [ Buzzes .]
- [ Applause .]
"[ Vaudeville .]
I am waiting for a-- Whoa! - Ooh! - Aah! - I didn't do it.
- [ Laughter, Applause .]
[ Cheering, Hooting .]
Oh, man.
It's a miracle we got through that one.
Remind me never to let you on stage again, kid.
Some people got it, some people don't.
And you, my young friend, do not have-- Hold on.
I wanna finish this thought outside.
- It's that kid! - [ Cheering .]
It's the ''I didn't do it'' guy! He's mine! I own him and all the subsidiary rights! Why, this rickety ladder in front of this door is the perfect place for this priceless Ming vase.
Eh? Eh? I didn't do it.
[ Laughter, Applause .]
Thank you.
Thank you.
And now, the ''I didn't do it'' dancers! "[ Techno .]
Don't move, dude.
This is totally a gun.
- [ Alarm Sounding .]
- I didn't do it.
- [ Both Laughing .]
- And then the boy says the thing-- - [ Gasps .]
- Honey! [ Gasps .]
Joe, how could you? I, uh, didn't do it.
[ All Laughing .]
Help! Help! This is the third time that this building has burned down because someone has been smokin' in bed.
[ Together.]
I didn't do it.
[ All Laughing .]
Help me! This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly.
- It's not even about him.
- Sure it is.
Look at the cover.
But inside, it's mostly about Ross Perot and the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
Ah, Oliver North.
He was just poured into that uniform.
[ Groaning .]
"[''U Can't Touch This''.]
I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
[ Grunts .]
Hey, proper.
I have to pay to see my own grandson! That's the democrats for ya! See the boy-- five dollars.
Or call him 2 4 hours a day on BartChat.
[ Barney .]
- Are you Bart? - Sure, I am.
- I didn't do nothin'.
- Uh, isn't it, ''I didn't do it''? Yeah, whatever.
[ Belches .]
Um, I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something? Say the line, Bart.
[ Groans Softly .]
I didn't do it.
[ All .]
Yea! Come on, Lisa.
Say somethin' funny.
- Like what? - Oh, somethin' stupid like Bart would say.
Bucka bucka, or woozle wozzle.
Somethin' like that.
Forget it, Dad.
If I ever become famous I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.
- Obnoxious fad? - Ah, don't worry, Son.
You know, they said the same thing about Urkel.
That little snot boy.
I'd like to smack that kid! What the hell are you reading books for? I'm doing the Conan O'Brien show and I wanna have some intelligent stuff to talk about.
Don't forget to say, ''I didn't do it.
'' Dad, there's more to me than just a catchphrase.
- How do you figure, boy? - Watch the Conan O'Brien show.
You'll see.
All right.
But after Leno, I'm all laughed out, you know.
"[ Theme .]
You know, Conan, I have a lot to say.
I'm not just a one-line wonder.
Did you know that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-- -Just do the line.
- I didn't do it.
[ Laughter, Applause .]
[ Chuckling .]
Great material.
- We'll be right back.
- "[ Theme .]
- Sit perfectly still.
Only I may dance.
- [ Groaning .]
''Just do the line.
'' ''Just do the line.
'' What's gonna happen to me? [ Male Announcer .]
And now, it's time for Match Game 2034 with Billy Crystal - Hey! - Farrah Fawcett-Majors- O'Neal-Varney - [ Grunts .]
- the ''I didn't do it''boy - [ Grunts .]
- ventriloquist Loni Anderson - Ooh! - Spike Lee and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle.
Hi, everybody! Let's start the game! [ Hisses .]
Aah! - [ Yelling .]
- [ Yelling .]
- [ Knocking .]
- [ Marge .]
Bart, it's time to get ready for the show.
No! Where's that little punk? We go on in 1 0 minutes.
Oh, the tension.
Somebody, walk on my back.
[ All .]
Huh? Ow! Oh-- Ow! One at a time! No Teamsters! Honey, I know you feel a little silly saying the same four words over and over, but you shouldn't.
You're making people happy, and that's a very hard thing to do.
You're right, Mom.
I shouldn't let this bother me.
I'm in television now.
It's my job to be repetitive.
My job.
My job.
Repetitiveness is my job.
I am gonna go out there tonight and give the best performance of my life.
The best performance of your life? The best performance of my life.
Where is that lousy little pisher? Bart! - "[ Theme .]
- And now, boys and girls here he is, the boy that says the words you've been longing to hear like the salivating dogs that you are, Bart Simpson! I didn't do it.
- [ Weak Chuckle .]
- [ Clears Throat .]
- I didn't do it.
- [ Cricket Chirping .]
[ Muttering .]
Woozle wozzle? - What the-- - [ All Muttering .]
That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle? [ Announcer .]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Clown Show has been put on hiatus for retooling.
- What happened? - Oh, don't worry about that.
You're just finished, that's all.
- Finished? - It happens all the time.
That's show business for you.
One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived.
- The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory.
- I heard that! - Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it? - [ Latch Locking .]
[ Groaning .]
[ Radio Deejay .]
And that was ''Kung Fu Fighting.
'' Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that ''I didn't do it'' kid? [ Deejay "2 .]
Boy, did that get old fast.
Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.
- [ Honking Horn .]
- [ Silly Sound Effects .]
[ Grunts .]
I saved these for you, Bart.
You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
- Thanks, Mom.
- And now you can go back to just being you instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
- D'oh! - Ay, caramba.
! [ Groaning .]
- Hidilly-ho! - [ Belches .]
- Ha-ha! - Excellent.
If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
[ Homer .]
What kind of catchphrase is that? - [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!
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