The Simpsons s05e13 Episode Script

Homer and Apu

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
" [Jazzy Solo .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
- I need one 29-cent stamp.
- That's $1 .
- I want $2.
00 worth of gas, please.
- $4.
- [ Bell Dings .]
- How much is your penny candy? - Surprisingly expensive.
- [ Martin .]
What a rip-off!.
- [ Door Chimes .]
- This is what I think of your store! - [ Grunting .]
- [ Door Chimes .]
Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie! [ Sniffing .]
Jiminy Cricket! Whoo! Expired ham.
Well, this time I've gone too far.
No one will fall for-- Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's open.
[ Gobbling .]
- Ooh! Stomach churning! - [ Stomach Grumbles .]
Bowels clenching.
- Not much time.
- [ Thuds .]
Must fnish.
[ Gobbles .]
[ Alarm Blaring .]
Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or [ Chuckles .]
some sort of voodoo curse.
Hey, we've just been working the eyes.
- [ Door Chimes .]
- Your old meat made me sick! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
[ Sniffing .]
This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny.
- Okay.
Ten pounds.
- Whoo-hoo! [ Alarm Blaring .]
[ Barking .]
- [ Man .]
Brought to you by-- - [ Barking Continues .]
That dog can sell anything.
Good evening.
Here's an update on last week's nursing-home exposé, ''Geezers in Freezers.
'' It turns out the rest home was adequately heated.
The footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility.
We've also been told to apologize for using the term ''geezers.
'' Now, coming up next, ''The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer.
'' - Ohh! Urp! - [ Stomach Grumbles .]
Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice? If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number.
- Boring.
- Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart.
- And now a message from the Church of Latter-day Saints.
- [ Barking .]
- Dad, are you listening to me? - Shh! Lisa! The dog is barking.
All right.
Are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep? No way, man! No way, man! Get yourself another patsy, man! - No way am I wearin' a freakin' wire.
- All right, all right.
- Would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone? - Oh, that I'll wear.
We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat.
[ Groaning .]
Now go get us some incriminating footage.
Remember, you have to get in and out in 1 0 minutes - or you'll suffer permanent neck damage.
- He's not kiddin'.
[ Groaning .]
[ Footsteps Clattering .]
[ Door Chimes .]
- Huh? - Don't be alarmed, Apu.
Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir.
Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
Bee? [ Screaming .]
[ Panting .]
Homer, that hat's been with the station for 20 years.
He had one day left till retirement.
" La la la la la " Well, time to replenish the hot-dog roller.
" La la " Oops! Oh, no.
It is encrusted with filth.
Oh, well.
Let's sell it anyway.
Now, this is just between me and you, smashed hat.
[ Chuckling .]
Hot diggety dog! We've got him, Mr.
Now, let's-- Mr.
Simpson? One hot dog, please.
[ Dog Barking .]
Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat? No.
I mean, yes.
I mean-- Uh-oh.
- I think I come off very well.
- Monster! Run, children! [ Panicked Shouting .]
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation.
But, sir, I was only following standard procedure.
Ah, true.
But it's also standard procedure to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
And if I can obtain for you these animals? I'm sorry, Apu.
I have no choice.
- You can no longer wear this name patch.
- [ Gasps .]
And you can no longer tell people about our fried pickles.
Now, turn in your pricing gun.
Oh! The other one too.
Oh! Fired after all these years of loyal service.
- I don't want to live anymore! Oh! - Give me that wiener! - No! I don't want to live, sir! - Give me that wiener! - [ Grunting .]
- No, Apu! It's not worth it! What do I do now? I've been drummed out of my profession.
I'm a disgrace.
Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.
[ Laughter .]
Who needs money when we got feathers? [ Chittering .]
[ Thunderclap .]
This is all because of Homer Simpson.
- [ Laughing .]
- [ TV: Laughter.]
Oh, oh, stop! Yo, check this out.
Black guys drive a car like this.
- " [ Scatting .]
- [ Audience Laughing .]
[ Nasally .]
Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this.
" [ Scatting .]
- [ Laughter, Applause .]
- [ Laughing .]
It's true! It's true! We're so lame.
It is time to settle the score.
Huh? [ Thunderclaps Continue .]
Aah! [ Screaming .]
[ Screaming .]
No! Don't kill me! I didn't know there was film in that camera in that hat! I was unaware! I was unaware! Mr.
Simpson, you misunderstand me.
In my village, this is the traditional pose of apology.
- Oh.
- Now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing.
Many have died needlessly.
I have come to make amends, sir.
At first, I blamed you for squealing.
But then I realized it was I who wronged you.
So I have come to work off my debt.
I am at your service.
You're selling what now? I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
He's got me there.
- [ Homer .]
Is he still out there? - Yes.
He's raking leaves.
What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him.
Okay, okay.
I'll let him.
But then I get a Chipwich.
Okay? It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you.
Back in Rahmatpur, I was considered quite the gourmet.
It certainly is exotic.
- [ Panting .]
- Oh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you? I can see through time.
[ Gulping .]
Stop being such babies.
You can't be afraid to try new things.
For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again? - A napkin.
- [ Chuckling .]
Outrageous! All right.
Why do you want to become a part of the Kwik-E-Mart family? Because I like people, and I need a place where I'll be out of the sun.
- Thank you.
- [ Belches .]
He's head and shoulders above everyone else.
- Wait.
There's one more applicant.
- Name? -James Woods.
- Previous job experience? Ooh, uh, gee, True Believer, uh, Salvador, Onion Field, The Hard Way.
Wait-Wait a minute! Those aren't convenience stores.
- That sounds like the resume of a Hollywood movie star.
- Uh, yeah, well-- Huh! [ Both Gasp .]
James Woods! Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart? [ Chuckles .]
Well, uh, to be honest, in my upcoming movie I'm gonna be playing this tightly wound convenience-store clerk And, you know, I kinda like to research my roles and really get into it.
For instance, True Believer.
I actually worked in a law firm for two months.
And in the film Chaplin-- I had a little cameo in that-- I actually traveled in time back to the '20s where-- - Well, [ Chuckles .]
I-I've said too much.
- Welcome aboard.
Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? - Good morning, sir.
- [ Screams .]
Relax, please.
You do not have anything I have not seen before.
- What the-- - Uh, I like to keep a lollipop there.
- " La la la la " - [ Groans .]
- Apu, we usually store our cans in the cupboard.
- Oh, they'll never move that way.
Mmm! Corn! Haven't had that in a while.
Yeah! Delicious corn.
- [ Together.]
- Hm.
Oh, we're low on milk for Maggie.
You wanna come with me to the Kwik-E-Mart? Please, Mrs.
I-- I cannot go there.
That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.
Umm, well, I guess we could go to that new Monstromart.
"[ Muzak .]
Ooh! That's a good price for 1 2 pounds of nutmeg.
Ooh! Great selection and rock-bottom prices.
But where is the love? [ Man On P.
Attention, Monstromart shoppers.
Just a reminder that we love each and every one of you.
- [ Shoppers .]
Aww! - Hm! Excuse me, ma'am.
Where are the lampshades? Ma'am? Oh! I've killed her! It's all happening again! [ Sobbing, Screaming .]
[ Both Gasp, Scream .]
[ Both Gasp, Scream .]
Help me! Help me! [ Gurgling .]
Mmm! It's cran-tastic! Uh, Mrs.
Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always.
That old man up front, he is starved for attention.
He will talk the cashier's head off.
Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel.
In 1 957, I remember it was.
I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast.
I set the toaster to three-- medium brown.
- Let's go to that line.
- But that's the longest.
Yes, but look-- all pathetic single men.
Only cash, no chitchat.
[ Rapid Cash-register Sounds .]
Mmm! Seventy-fve, 85, 90 and a dollar.
Thank you and come again.
Hey, wait a minute! Hey! Uh, eh, could I just ask you a question? Did you-- Huh! Did you believe that? I mean, the way I gave you the change? Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? - Actually, I thought it was a little labored.
- Oh.
You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.
Like-- Yeah! Okay.
Let-Let's just try that again.
Okay? Come on.
Come on.
Hey-ey-ey! Hey, get over here! Okay.
Now, you're you, I'm me.
- I'm me? - Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.
[ All Gobbling, Gulping .]
- Pass the chutney.
- Apu, you've been so helpful.
If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstromart.
- And he taught me how to play the shehnai.
- " [ Shrill Notes .]
[ Shudders .]
That's even worse than the album Grampa released.
And he taught me how to do this.
[ Grunting .]
I got out of school, 'cause I told 'em I was mangled in a car wreck.
- Thank you all for the kind praise.
- Well, you deserve it.
All these vegetables are really clearing the cholesterol out of the old heart.
[ Beating .]
[ Electrical Crackling .]
[ Slowly .]
Apu friend me good.
I think what my father's saying is you're like a member of the family now.
I feel that way too.
You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to or a geodesic dome there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home.
Aah! "When I first arrived you were all such jerks " " But now I've come to lo-o-ove your quirks " " Maggie with her eyes so bright " " Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright " " Lisa can philosophize " " Bart's adept at spinning lies " " Homer's a delightful fella " - " Sorry 'bout the salmonella " - Heh-heh! That's okay.
- Aah! - "Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart " " Now here's the tricky part " " Oh, won't you rhyme with me " "Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart " "Their floors are sticky-mart " "They made Dad sicky-mart " " Let's hurl a bricky-mart " "The Kwik-E-Mart is real-- " D'oh! [ All .]
"Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart " - " Not me " - " Forget the Kwik-E-Mart " " Good-bye to Kwik-E-Mart " "Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart " " Not me " Ahh.
Everything really wrapped up nicely.
Much quicker than usual.
I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
And we've all found happiness, every one of us.
- [ Apu Crying .]
- [ TV Clicks On .]
Hey, what's that sound? [ Crying Continues .]
"Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart " " I do " Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that! I can't lie to myself, you know.
I do miss my Kwik-E-Mart.
Isn't there anything you can do to get your job back? - I must go to the head office and appeal my case.
- I'm coming with you! I got you fired.
It's the least I can do.
Well, the least I could do is absolutely nothing.
But I'll go you one better and come along.
- But, sir, the head office is in India.
- Okay.
- Dad, that's over 1 0,000 miles away.
- I'm aware of that! - That's over 1 6,000 kilometers.
- D'oh! -Are we in India yet? - No.
-Are we in India yet? - No.
-Are we in India yet? - No.
Oh, wait now we are.
T-Tony, T-Tony, y-you're my agent.
You have to do something about this.
Uh! How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a tightly wound convenience-store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter? Uh-huh.
Well, actually, that's-- that's a pretty good explanation.
Now, this is gross-- This'll be gross points, right, on this new-- Okay.
Yeah, 'cause those monkey-- Yeah.
Book me a flight rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that, boom, I am out of here.
I'm a dot.
I'm gone.
Okay? What do you mean I gotta give two weeks notice? Why, you damn, frickin', no good mother-- [ Beeping .]
cheese! No, not you.
I'm just talkin' to my oven.
"[ Group Singing Religious Song .]
Oh, great.
[ Man On P.
Attention, passengers.
Dinner is now being sered in the dining car.
[ All Clamoring .]
- Ooh-ooh! - There she is.
There she is, the world's first convenience store.
- This isn't very convenient.
- Must you dump on everything we do? [ Door Chimes .]
[ Door Chimes .]
" [ Indian Muzak .]
He is the benevolent, enlightened president and C.
of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart.
- [ Slurping .]
- He is the one I must ask for my job back.
Approach, my sons.
[ Slurping Continues .]
You may ask me three questions.
That's great, because all I need is one.
- Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
- You? Yes.
I hope this has been enlightening for you.
- But I must-- - Thank you.
Come again.
- But-- - Thank you.
Come again.
Well, that was a big bust.
Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? - [ Angry Groan .]
- No need to apologize, Apu.
It was as much my fault as it was yours.
- [ Growling .]
- [ Gagging .]
Okay, Apu! I accept your apology.
[ Both Screaming .]
[ Together .]
! Dad.
! What'd you bring us? What'd you bring? - How did it go? - Fine! Oh, I mean, not good.
I'm sorry, Apu.
But remember-- "Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart " Do you mind? I'm not in the mood.
Apu, if it'll make you feel any better I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Yes, yes.
You are right, sir.
I've got to accept my fate.
I have feared it for long enough now.
I'm going to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart, and I am going to face my demon! Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms.
- [ Door Chimes .]
- [ Delighted Gasp .]
Ah, my old Squishee machine.
And my scum bucket with flies.
And a hot-check list.
Hey, hey, you're Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, aren't ya? I mean, you're the-- God, you're--you're like the guy! You're a legend around here.
Can I ask you-- is it true you once worked Oh, yes.
It was horrible, I tell you.
By the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.
Oh, yeah! You know, I studied your old security tapes.
In a few minutes I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.
All right, you! Hand over the cash, and don't try any funny stuff!.
Hey, pal.
I assure you.
If I tried any funny stuff, you would be in hysterics.
- Hey, you'reJames Woods! - Oh, thank you.
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
Well, Mr.
Woods -your new song is gonna be number three with a bullet.
- [ Gun Cocks .]
- I-I'm not a singer.
- Shut up! - [ Frightened Gasp .]
- No-o-o! - Apu! - Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead.
How I've missed you.
I mean, I think I'm dying.
- Uhh.
- Oy.
[ Dr.
Hibbert Chuckling .]
Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu.
You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery.
Apu, you saved my life.
And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Oh! Oh, Mr.
Woods, you're-- But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
- That sounds like a good movie.
- Yes.
Yes, a-a movie.
Hey, let's all hug Apu.
- [ Simpsons .]
- Ooh! Hey, there's still time.
Let's hug him again.
- Aww.
- Mm! - [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!
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