The Simpsons s06e02 Episode Script

Lisa's Rival

Lisa's Rival Lisa, will you keep it down? I'm making a crank call to Principal Skinner.
As a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running.
You spared me quite a bit of spoilage.
Thank you, anonymous young man.
It's my room and I can do what I want.
Oh, yeah? Well, I can do what I want in my room.
Bart, quit it! I can keep this up all day.
Lisa, stop the racket.
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera.
Easy.
Easy.
I'm gonna need a bigger drill.
My, these seas are certainly heaving.
Well, no more than your bountiful bosom, my lady.
Does that earring mean you're a pirate? Kind of.
The seas have quieted.
And only in the sweet embrace of quietude can two lovers truly be as Such noise! Well, I'm done for the evening.
Lisa, stop blowing my sex.
I mean, stop blowing your sax.
Your sax.
Stop it.
Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band and I've got to practice.
I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time.
Fine, I'll play outside.
Hey! Why, that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet.
You know what that means, kids.
Judgment Day! Forty-five seconds till pencils down.
Lisa, what's the answer to number seven? Sorry, Ralph.
That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
My cat's name is Mittens.
Three.
Two.
One.
And that's pencils down.
Now, here's an oral extra-credit question.
What was Christopher Columbus actually looking for when he discovered America? Anyone besides Lisa for a change? Ralph, this better not be about your cat.
- Oh, all right.
- He was looking for a passage to India.
Correct, Allison.
And on your very first day in our class.
And during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found the continent of South America.
I never made Miss Hoover "yow-wee.
" Hi, Allison.
I'm Lisa Simpson.
It's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal 8-year-old level.
Actually, I'm 7.
I was skipped ahead because I was bored in the first grade.
You're younger than me too? - Are you hyperventilating? - No.
I just like to smell my lunch.
I never met anyone who skipped a grade before.
I'm surprised you haven't.
You're obviously smart enough.
Well, I'm sure I could have.
But I'd hate to leave behind all my wonderful friends.
Out of the way, brain queen! Hey, Sara.
Well, I gotta go.
I have to practice for band auditions.
Me too.
What instrument do you play? - The sax.
- Me too.
- I'm going for first chair this year.
- Me too.
Wow! We have so much in common.
I'm sure we'll be the best of friends.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Hurry up and finish eating.
You're steering fine, boy.
Hard to the right.
Hard to the left.
Cat! Deer! Old man! Jackknifed sugar truck! Sugar? Don't worry.
Here's a quarter.
Call for help.
I'll keep an eye on things here.
If only the sugar were as sweet as you, sir.
That was downright decent of you.
We hit the jackpot here! White gold! Texas tea! Sweetener.
Dad, isn't this stealing? Read your town charter, boy.
If foodstuff should touch the ground said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.
Since I don't see him around, start shoveling! - Mom? - What? What? Why am I rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead? I don't know.
I guess that's the school's decision to make.
Did you talk to anyone at school? Make a few calls on my behalf? You could've been nicer to Principal Skinner, if you know what I mean.
Lisa! I am nice.
Homer, I appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
It hurts my teeth.
That's because I've loaded it with sugar! Marge, our ship has come in.
I found 500 pounds of sugar in the forest that I'm gonna sell directly to the consumer.
And all for a low, low price of one dollar per pound.
But the store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound.
And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.
Those are prizes.
A blasting cap.
It's your turn, Jimbo.
Someone's been practicing over the summer.
Welcome aboard.
Yes! My lute! Lisa Simpson trying for first-chair saxophone.
Very nice.
Now Allison Taylor, also trying for first-chair saxophone.
This is a very tough decision, girls.
You're both very good.
Well, I guess that clinches it.
That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.
I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness.
Allison got first chair.
Oh, it was just a dream.
That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.
I won first chair? No, you regained consciousness.
Allison got first chair.
And believe me, this is not a dream! I need help.
There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger and a better sax player than me.
- I feel so average.
- You'll always be number one to me.
Hello! First born within earshot.
I meant my number one girl.
Oh, for crying Honey, if you get too competitive, you'll never be happy.
No matter how good you are, there's always someone better.
I thought I had the tallest hair, but that trip to Graceland really opened my eyes.
But she's better than me at everything that makes me special.
Believe me, honey.
She's more scared of you than you are of her.
You're thinking of bears, Mom.
Sugarman! Door to door sugar? What a marvelous idea.
- Who's at the door? - What's that, Mother? I'm just talking to the sugarman! Mother, I'm a big boy.
I can do as I wish.
Excuse me.
Thanks a lot, Simpson, now I'm grounded.
Hey, Allison, what's the answer to number nine? - I can't tell you, Ralph.
- I can't tell you either, Ralph.
Leave me alone.
- Brainiac! - Nerd! You're such a geekazoid! Leave me alone.
That used to be my face in the mud.
I can't stand to see you so miserable, Lis.
Unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress.
That gives me an idea.
Note for later: Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
Hey, I know! How about if I dig up some dirt on Allison? Remember how I got Milhouse on America 's Most Wanted? - There he is on the monkey bars.
- Try to take him alive.
Oh, no! Not again! I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my body.
Suit yourself.
If you change your mind, here's my card.
Don't need it.
You live in the room next to me.
Note: Next year, order fewer cards.
And you didn't think I'd make any money.
I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
While you were out "earning" that dollar you lost 40 dollars by not going to work.
The plant said if you don't come tomorrow, don't bother coming Monday.
Four-day weekend! Hey, I am above average.
So what if Allison's ahead of me? There's no shame in being second.
And now Avis Rent A Car is proud to present the second-best band in America.
We welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates and Lisa singing their number two hit, "Born to Runner-Up.
" Why would they come to our concert to boo us? Lis, I did some checking on this Allison.
And I know it's against all your moral fibers Give it to me! Hey, wait.
There's nothing bad here.
Yep.
She's clean as a bean.
But I did tip off the feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend Milhouse.
- But I'm telling you, I didn't do anything.
- I don't care.
My glasses! I've got to stop being so petty.
I should be Allison's friend, not her competitor.
I mean, she is a wonderful person.
Way to go, Lis.
I mean, why compete with someone who's just gonna kick your butt anyway.
I prefer my phrasing.
It's great of you to come over.
I really want us to be friends.
You're a wonderful person.
Hi, Lisa.
I'm Allison's father, Professor Taylor.
- I've heard great things about you.
- Oh, really? I I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram games.
We take names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Well, like, oh, I don't know Alec Guinness.
- Genuine class.
- Very good.
All right, Lisa.
Jeremy Irons.
Jeremy's Iron.
Well, that's very good for a first try.
You know, I have a ball.
Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.
- What's this? - It's for the school diorama competition.
You're finished already? But the competition isn't for weeks! Lisa, we're talking dioramas.
Who could wait? I chose "The Tell-Tale Heart" by Edgar Allan Poe.
See, this is the bedroom where the old man was murdered.
And he's buried here under the floorboards.
And, look, I used an old metronome to simulate the heartbeat that drove the killer insane.
Neat, huh? It's great.
It's really great.
Got away from you, huh? Well, you keep at it.
Must protect sugar.
Thieves everywhere.
The strong must protect the sweet.
The sweet.
- Homer? - In America first you get the sugar then you get the power then you get the women.
Homer.
- Homer! - What? Forget about guarding the stupid sugar.
You're being completely paranoid.
Oh, am I? Am I really? Hello.
Where'd you get your sugar for that tea? I nipped it when you let your guard down for that split second.
And I'd do it again.
- Goodbye.
- You see, Marge? You see? When are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme? Never! Never, Marge.
I can't live the button-down life like you.
I want it all.
The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs the creamy middles.
Sure, I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors.
Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards and talk about, "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?" Look.
Just get rid of the sugar, okay? No! Hey, get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.
Look, Bart.
It almost killed me but I handcrafted all 75 characters from Oliver Twist.
And now the coup de grâce: A bitter snowstorm.
- Is it okay? - Well The important thing is that we survived.
Who am I kidding? There's no way I'm ever gonna beat Allison! Sure there is.
But it involves being a bit underhanded.
A bit devious, a bit as the French say, "Bart-esque.
" I'll do whatever it takes.
Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul.
Now, here's what we do.
Tomorrow, when Allison comes out we spray her with the hose, soaking her from head to toe.
- Leaving us relatively dry.
- Relatively? There's bound to be some splashback.
Bart, her being wet won't help me win the competition! Well, we could just sabotage her diorama humiliating her in front of the students and faculty.
- Perfect! - Leaving her primed for the most dramatic hose-soaking of her life! Enough with the hose! Well, sure is quiet in here today.
Yes, a little too quiet if you know what I mean.
- I'm afraid I don't.
- You see bees usually make a lot of noise.
No noise suggests no bees.
I understand now.
Oh, look.
There goes one.
- To the Beemobile! - You mean your Chevy? Yes.
Very clever, Simpson.
Luring our bees to your sugar and selling them back at an inflated price.
- Bees are on the what, now? - Simpson, you diabolical We're willing to pay you $2000 for the swarm.
Deal! Oh, wait a minute.
The bees are leaving.
No! My sugar is melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! I'm sorry, Homie.
It's okay, Marge.
I've learned my lesson.
A mountain of sugar is too much for one man.
It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
Diorama-Rama.
My favorite school event next to Hearing Test Thursday.
"The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it.
Here's the grapes, and here's the wrath! Yes, yes.
Very good wrath.
Let's see.
Our foreign exchange student, Uter, has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I But this is just an empty box.
I begged you to look at mine first.
I begged you! Lisa, here is, as the French say, "Le fake diorama.
" I'll create a diversion and you make the switch.
Hey, everybody! Whoa! Look at me! I'm over here! Turn this way right now! - Hey, it's Bart! - And he's doing stuff! - Oh, I can't take my eyes off him.
- Look what he's doing.
Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here! Our next entry is "The Tell-Tale Heart" from Allison Taylor.
I can't wait.
Be ready with the ribbon.
- What is it? - It's a cow's heart.
Them trying to make a monkey out of you.
Allison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I didn't do that.
I made a different one.
Oh, is that so, young lady? Well, where is this phantom diorama? I don't know.
Have the guts to take the blame, girl.
- You're compounding your folly by lying.
- Right on! Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window not the classroom.
Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom but that's none of my business.
Elementary school is where I wound up and it's too late to do anything about that.
Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.
It's the beating of that hideous heart! I mean, I think I hear something.
Why, here's Allison's real diorama.
It got misplaced, or so it would seem.
Oh, well, that changes everything.
Let's have a look.
Get the ribbon ready.
Little sterile.
No real insight.
What do you think, Miss Hoover? This has been a very disappointing day.
All right, on to Lisa Simpson.
You're a shoo-in now, Lis.
After the way I've behaved, I don't deserve to win.
- Well, this doesn't deserve to win.
- What? Now we're into the dregs.
Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry.
Prepackaged Star Wars characters still in their display box? Are those limited edition figures? What's a diorama? Why, it's Luke and Obi-Wan.
And my favorite, Chewie.
They're all here! - What do you think? - It's lunchtime.
We have a winner! I'm really sorry about what I did, Allison.
It's no shame being second to you.
Thank you, Lisa.
You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost.
Now I know that losing isn't the end of the world.
Hey, you still think we can be friends? Only if we're the best.
I beat the smart kids, I beat the smart ki I bent my Wookiee.
Hey, Ralph.
Want to come with me and Allison to play anagrams? We take names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.