The Simpsons s06e03 Episode Script

Another Simpsons Clip Show This romance is so full of heartfelt passion.
I can really identify with this corn-fed heroine.
Homer, are you awake? This is important.
Give me some sign you're awake.
- Wake up! - What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire? Homie, do you think that the romance has gone out of our lives? Wake up! Marge, it's 3 a.
m.
, and I worked all day.
It's 9:30 p.
m.
, and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.
There you are.
Thought you could get away, huh? Homer, young people learn about love from adults.
We've been setting a terrible example for our children and the community.
I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book.
We shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.
How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? It's a new episode.
Not exactly.
They pieced it together from old shows.
And it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
- Really? - Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.
Yes, and when was the last you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy? Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you but we've neglected something more important.
It's time to learn about love.
No need.
We already learned in school.
This is Fuzzy Bunny.
About a year ago he noticed his voice was changing.
He had terrible acne and had fur where there was no fur before.
He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.
Boring.
Fuzzy went to the park, the ice-cream social, the boat show and other wholesome activities.
They never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges.
Then came the big day.
Fluffy and Fuzzy got married.
That night came the honeymoon.
She's faking it.
I mean romance, not love.
Mom, romance is dead.
It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney homogenized and sold off piece by piece.
That's not true! Romance is all around us, in our neighborhoods.
Even at our jobs.
All you have to do is think about your most cherished memories.
- Moe's Tavern.
- Hello, is Al there? - AI? - Yeah, Al.
Last name, Coholic.
Let me check.
Phone call for Al.
Al Coholic.
Jock Strap.
Is I.
P.
Freely here? Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Homer Sexual! Mike Rotch! Amanda Huggenkiss! Hugh Jass.
Ivana Tinkle.
I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
No, no! No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is.
Chocolate.
Invisible cola.
Forbidden donut.
"Sacrilicious.
" Snouts.
Free goo.
Something.
No, think about people about moments in your life that have been very romantic.
Oh, okay.
That's not the idea at all.
Okay.
Well, this story isn't ideal.
I've never told it to you before.
I got a thoughtless birthday present from someone who shall remain nameless.
I went to the bowling alley to spite him.
Or her.
- I'm awfully sorry.
- Entirely my fault.
It is nice to meet you Homer.
No, no.
Homer is my ball's name.
I'm Marge.
Your fingers are slender, so feminine.
They're too tapered for this ball.
You need something lighter, more delicate.
- Here, use my ball.
- No, thank you, Mister Brunswick.
- Call me Jacques.
- Jacques.
Marge.
May I ask you a bold question? - Sure.
- You've never bowled? - Never.
- No.
- No.
- Then I will teach you.
- I don't want to trouble you.
- Not at all.
I'm a professional.
Roll the ball, Marge.
Let me see your form.
All right.
But I'm not very good.
I can hit the one pin, but the rest of them don't even wobble.
I can help you, Marge.
Pick up the ball.
Pick up Homer.
Pick him up.
- Now throw.
- But Throw, damn you.
You're a very good teacher.
- Here we are.
- You didn't have to drop me off.
But I wanted to.
Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight? - Jacques, I'm a married woman.
- I know, I know.
My mind says stop, but my heart and my hips cry, "Proceed!" Darling, I want to see you tomorrow.
- Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
- What's brunch? You'd love it.
It's not quite breakfast or lunch but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.
You don't get what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.
He seemed to know a lot about brunch.
But it turned out he wasn't interested in brunch at all.
Your laughter is like music but if you laugh at what I say next, I will die.
For I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking.
Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again.
- That doesn't shock me.
- Away from prying eyes.
At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace.
Marge, speak to me! Is Thursday okay? Thank goodness I drove down that ironic street.
I made the right decision to stay with my Homie, and there was no harm done.
So if you mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband that's my idea of romance.
Marge, I want you to stop seeing this Jacques.
You can let him down gently but over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off.
Okay, Homer.
That was a close one, kids.
Okay, Marge.
As long as we're traumatizing the kids I have a scandalous story of my own.
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons.
She has a degree in engineering or something.
Hi.
How's it going? - Oh, pleased to meet you.
- Yeah, ditto.
Hi.
Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before? Gotta go! I made it the whole day without seeing her again.
I mean, "Hello!" I guess we'll be going down together.
- I mean, getting off togeth I mean - That's okay.
I'll just push the button for the stimulator I mean, elevator.
Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.
Well, this is my floor.
See you tomorrow! I tried to avoid her, but we were sent to a nuclear convention together.
TV's there.
Bathroom's there.
And there's your king-size bed for: - Hubba-hubba.
- Stop that.
I love my wife and family.
All I'll use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort.
That's it! Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble.
- Mindy.
We have to fight our temptation.
- No, Homer.
Let's do it.
Let's call room service! Someone's charging room service to the company.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Fly, my pretties.
Fly! Continue the research.
Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard! - Get bent! - No more Chernobyls! Go to hell! I was doing my best to resist her but at dinner, the fortune cookie predicted doom.
"You will find happiness with a new love.
" - This was a really nice night, Homer.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What's wrong? - Oh, yeah, like you don't know.
We're gonna have sex.
- Well, we don't have to.
- Yes, we do.
The cookie told me so.
Well, desserts aren't always right.
But they're so sweet.
Homer you know how I feel.
So it's up to you.
Look in your heart.
I think you'll see what you want.
Oh, baby.
This was a wonderful idea, Homie.
- What happened to Mindy? - Yes, what did happen to her? She hit the bottle hard and lost her job.
Good.
Does anyone else have a love story? Yes, I do.
And just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings and scars that will never heal.
It started, appropriately enough, with an innocent boy being embarrassed on Valentine's Day.
Poor Ralph.
Here you go, Ralph.
- You "choo-choo-choose" me? - Happy Valentine's.
It was an unusually warm February 14th so the children walked home without jackets.
Can I walk you home, valentine? Sure, I guess.
That valentine sure was funny.
Glad you liked it.
It says "choo-choo-choose" me, and there's a picture of a train.
Yeah, nice gag.
So do you like stuff? The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of it.
Well, here's my house.
Oh, no.
It's a package from Ralph.
A Malibu Stacy convertible! "Look in the tunk.
" He must mean "trunk.
" Tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! It's the Krusty the Clown Thank you, thank you! - Lisa, you want a bite of my ice cream? - No, thanks.
Send it this way, boy.
Nothing gets chocolate out.
See? Now, for my favorite part of the show What does that say? "Talk to the audience"? Oh, God, this is always death.
All right.
Oh, no.
Please don't show me with Ralph.
- What's your name, son? - Ralph.
- And is this your girlfriend, Ralph? - Yes! I love Lisa Simpson! And when I grow up, I'm going to marry her.
No! Now, you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! The only reason I gave you that valentine is because nobody else would! Watch this.
You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
And now! Lisa, not all romances turn out that way.
Bart, do you have a love story that doesn't end in heartbreak? Yes, I do.
The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the tree house.
She had something very important to tell me.
I'm so happy, I just had to tell someone.
I have a boyfriend.
You won't be needing this.
Wait, that did end in heartbreak.
Thanks for opening up old wounds, Ma.
Well, as Jerry Lee Lewis would say: "There's a whole lot of frowning going on.
" Mom, doesn't any love story have a happy ending? Of course.
Remember when your Aunt Selma got married? - Good.
- Soon I will kill you.
Wait, wait, that's no good.
I know.
Your grandfather, remember? It started on an outing for dinner.
Say, I've got a neat idea.
Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll go out to dinner.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
That's not my mother.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
Can I come too? They hit it off right away, but there were rivals for the fair lady's hand.
My favorite song.
This is so nice.
I can't remember when I've felt this young.
I really can't.
Say, sport, mind if I have the next dance? What the? Don't sneak up on a Aren't you? No need for the blown gasket, Charlie.
I'll have her back in one piece.
But in the end, just when things looked worst, true love triumphed.
Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Oh, Monty, my favorite song.
How did? I specifically requested no romantic music.
What? Mrs.
Bouvier! Mrs.
Bouvier! Mrs.
Bouvier! Honey, are you sure you wanna be Mrs.
Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't you rather be Mrs.
Abraham J.
Simpson? No.
- I don't wanna be either.
- Hot diggety damn! That's good enough for me.
That doesn't seem like a happy ending.
That seems more like a detached tale of modern alienation.
I give up.
Did anybody learn anything about love tonight? Yeah, learned it screws everybody up.
Well, there's that side of it.
But there's also Help me out here, Lisa.
Sorry, Mom.
I've decided to save my love for someone who's guaranteed not to reject me.
Soon, Cory, soon.
Well, kids, I tried.
- But maybe you're right.
- Wait a minute, Marge.
Love isn't hopeless.
Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject but there was one time I got it right.
Artie, I don't know.
It was a beautiful evening.
Let's not ruin it.
- Just this.
- Artie, please.
- Come on, kiss me.
Please.
- No, really, I mean it! Now stop it! - I'm sorry, Marge.
- Take me home.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands.
Not so much for myself, but I'm so respected it would damage the town to hear it.
Good night.
Yeah, right.
Shut up! I'm over as far as I can go! All right! All right! I'll walk in the mud! - Homer? - Marge? - Yeah.
You want a ride? - Sure.
When I got home, I realized who I should've gone with.
Who? - Hi, prom date.
- Marge, pour vous.
- Why so glum? - I got a problem.
Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and I'll never let you go.
Your first kiss.
But not the last.
Homie.
See, kids? That's what I meant by romance.