The Simpsons s11e11 Episode Script

Faith Off

[ Chorus .]
# The Simpsons # FAITH OFF [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
[Jazzy Solo .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.
[ Sobbing .]
'' Wait a minute.
Huh? Springfield University homecoming? -Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years.
-Dad, you only took one course.
Remember my love affair with Ali MacGraw? She used to call me ''Preppie.
'' Then she died.
There's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party.
Then the big game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M.
I hate Springfield U so much.
- You went to Springfield U.
You hate A&M.
- So much.
My Old dorm room Marge - Let's matriculate.
- [ Giggling .]
You college boys are only interested in one thing.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
You're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room.
Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
[ All Laughing .]
My old roommates, the nerds.
You working? Oh, my, yes.
I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge.
I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster.
Does anybody need that much porno? Oh.
One million times.
[ Chattering .]
So because of me, all the dorms now have security phones.
- [ Scoffs .]
- [ Glass Tapping .]
Now let's give a warm alumni welcome, uh, you know, clapping to Springfield U's all-American placekicker, Anton Lubchenko.
[ Applauding, Cheering .]
In home country, growing up in filth, Lubchenko dreams to play U.
- On my father's deathbed, he made me promise- - [ Clears Throat .]
Long story short.
Go, Springfield U! - [ Applauding .]
- Yes.
Thank you, Anton.
Now, folks, a 7-5 football season doesn't come cheap - and this is a fund-raiser.
- [ Screams .]
Seal the exits.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, hurry up.
- All right now, let's empty our pockets.
- Make me.
Professor Rocko, Chancellor Knuckles? Wait- I- [ Laughing .]
[ Laughing Continues .]
All right.
Get every dime.
The Whifflesnops need new cummerbunds.
We look like slobs I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.
That dean is gonna get an indignant e-mail.
You should do it with bold red letters.
My computer has 51 2 shades of red.
Have you nerds forgotten everything I taught you? This calls for a prank.
I see a bucket.
- ## [ Humming .]
- [ Giggles .]
Oh, this is gonna be so great.
I think I know that guy.
He ran over the dean five years ago.
Punch up that picture.
All right, now age the picture five years.
That's him.
- Good work.
Now let's see who's having sex in the library.
- Aw, they scrambled it.
[ Humming .]
So when Dean Peterson opens this door this bucket of super glue is gonna drop right on his head.
What the- [ Grunting .]
Oh, real original.
Who did this? - Kappa Gamma Tau.
- Last in grades, first in pranks.
[ Both Laughing .]
- Good evening, gentlemen.
- [ Grunts .]
Oh, that's it.
You're through, Dean.
[ Shouts, Grunts .]
Now who's the dean? [ Grunting .]
Sorry, Dad.
It just won't budge.
I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it.
Well, couldn't you try a nondelicious fat? [ Sobbing .]
Oh, there's no such thing.
I'm afraid it's hopeless.
Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
So he's stuck like this forever? Oh, now don't fret.
These days the victims of comedy traumas, or ''traumadies'' can still lead rich, full lives.
[ Growling .]
[ Laughing .]
Uh, sorry.
But these guys crack me up.
What guys? I want to see the freaks.
Okay, hang on, Homer.
Two eye holes coming up.
Too far.
- [ Tires Squealing .]
- Homer, maybe I should drive.
- What? I can see fine.
- [ Horns Honking .]
[ Screams .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Homer.]
That had nothing to do with the bucket.
Where are we? ##[ Drumbeat .]
Brother Faith's Revival? [ Woman .]
for the healing love of Brother Faith.
Whoo! Good Lord.
- [ Cheering, Applauding .]
- Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield.
- Mmm.
Can you feel the power? - [ All .]
Yes! - Do you want to be saved? - Yes! Now correct me if I'm incorrect but was I told that it's untrue that people in Springfield have no faith? - Was I not misinformed? - Well, I don't know- - The answer I'm looking for is yes.
- Yes! Now let's hear it for the Holy Spirit No need to fear it Just revere it He works in heaven #That's 2 4/7 That's right # I checked the Bible Yeah,John 2:1 1 ,Jump back - #Feel it, feel it ## - Wow.
He dances better than Jesus himself.
- What ails you, my son? - I done ''spraint'' my elbow bone so it goes in the ''opposited'' direction.
Ohh! The power of faith compels you.
- Take that, Satan.
- Praise the Lord.
- [ Shouting .]
- Hallelujah.
It was a miracle and it was gross.
What affliction ''be-plagues'' you, my friend? - [ Mumbling .]
- Come again? He paralyzed his vocal cords cramming too many ''K'' sounds into a punch line.
Oh, mercy.
Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for- Feel the power! - [ Gagging .]
- Release this clown! Have you gone completely fakakta? Hey, I got my comedy K's back.
King Kong coldcocked Kato Kaelin.
Hey, you gentiles are all right.
[ Kisses .]
Is there anything he can't do? Cure me! Cure me! Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
And I got a bucket on my head.
[ Grunting .]
My, Satan really jammed that thing on good.
I'm gonna need a holy helper.
- Someone who believes.
- No.
Okay, moving on.
I need someone with the power.
This golden-haired little boy.
Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket.
Now proclaim, ''I have the power.
'' - I have the power.
- Oh, say it like you mean it, boy.
I have the power.
- I have the power! - [ All Gasp .]
I see the light.
It burns.
Hallelujah! Behold.
This child has the power.
[ All Shouting .]
Uh, miracle boy.
I believe I had hair.
Oh, here they are.
[ Grunts .]
Ah, you two were great tonight.
You didn't bite me or anything.
- [ Rattling .]
- Oh, how's that little rattle doing? [ Chuckles .]
Excuse me, Brother Faith.
I gotta know.
How did you really get the bucket off my dad's head? Well, I didn't, son.
You did.
God gave you the power.
Really? Hmm.
I would think he would want to limit my power.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yes, Lord.
When I was your age, I was a hell-raiser too.
My slingshot was my cross.
But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
I figure I'll go for the life of sin followed by the presto-change-o deathbed repentance.
That's a good angle.
But that's not God's angle.
Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of sudden death.
Full coverage? Hmm.
Then I said, ''I have the power.
'' And the bucket came off.
Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy.
I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy.
- Devil, be gone.
- Ow! - My milk money.
And my milk.
- Ew! - You did it, Bart.
- He really does have the power.
Go forth and spread the word.
- Spread it! - [ All Screaming .]
Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
Number of miracles performed by Bart, two.
Number performed by Lisa, zero.
How can you believe all this mumbo jumbo? The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it causing the metal to expand.
Heat makes metal expand.
Now who's talking mumbo jumbo? Mmm! I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float.
Do it for me.
What have you got so far? Look at Moe dance.
#Aloha, Moe # That's nice.
But maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college.
Yeah, you're right.
- I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman.
- [ Scoffs .]
It's not to scale.
In his letter to the Corinthians Paul instructed them to send 1 0 copies to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians.
But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished by- I got two words for this sermon.
[ Snores, Whistles .]
Am I boring you, Bart? Well, to be honest, yes.
Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
- But church can be fun.
- [ All Laughing .]
No, really.
It can be a crazy party with clouds and lasers and miracles.
- And chili fries.
- A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive through music and dancing and Tae Bo.
- ## [ Beatboxing .]
- [ All Cheering .]
He's kicking it old-school.
Never give them an opening.
Three, two, one, pull! [ Grunting .]
That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting.
- [ Coughs .]
- Mmm.
Maybe we should air it out a little.
[ Whistling .]
Uh, excuse me, neighbor.
Uh, yeah.
I-I couldn't help but notice you picked pretty much all of my flowers.
- Can't make a float without flowers.
- Oh, true enough.
But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again? [ Chuckles .]
##[ Organ .]
- ##[ Ends .]
- Okay, Springfield.
- How many of you are in horrible pain? - [ All .]
Yes! Then put your souls together for Brother Bart.
Satan, eat my shorts.
[ Cheering .]
I was a sinner A real bad kid What thou shalt not I shalt did Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter Took a whiz on the school computer He took a whiz Oh, yes, he did But now I've changed You can't deny - # Come on up and testify # - # Testify, testify # Come on up and testify - # My hip's misbehavin' # - # Testify # - Hey.
- # Got a nicotine craving # - # Testify # - #There's a cramp in my glavin # - #Testify # - Oy! - #Testify # - #Testify # - #Testify # - #Testify # Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle.
- ## [ Off-key .]
- # Mi-# - # Michael, row- row- Row the boat # - [ Feedback .]
- Is he killing that guitar, Daddy? - Yes, Son.
My glasses make me look like a geek Now you'll get the girls you seek We'll see you at Make Out Creek #Bart's the boy of the hour # He's got the power So raise your voice and don't be shy Testi, testi Tes- ti- - # fy # - # Testify, testify # Come on up and testify [ Chattering .]
Thank you, Bart, for fixing my vision Now I see with total precision Song's over, Milhouse.
But you're welcome.
[ Humming .]
Nice doggie.
- [ Tires Squealing .]
- [ Thud .]
- Milhouse! - Bury me at Make Out Creek.
[ Groans .]
Oh, Milhouse, this is my fault.
I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
You can just heal me again, right? - Well, I don't think I can.
- Please.
This cast is real itchy.
And I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there.
- And I think there was some food on the fork.
- Ew.
I'll see what I can do.
- [ Flatline Tone .]
- [ Gasps .]
- Oh, it always does that.
- [ Beeping .]
Milhouse, I can't help you.
I am no healer.
Could you tell my mom I'm here? Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever- Th-This is writing? I'm sorry, Uncle Kent.
I lost my thesaurus.
You'll lose more than that- In preparation for the big game Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever.
[ Grunts .]
Go, S.
! A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts.
Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college.
Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we were founded by a cow.
Whoa, Nellie.
We have ourselves a barn burner here today.
Welcome to the 1 1 7 th dust up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M and the Springfield University Nittany Tide.
Oh, Doctor! Break out the hickory switch.
- [ Sizzling .]
- Okay, who needs another lamb rack? Lisa? Ham hock? Tri-tip? Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered? Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
Well, hang onto your hoopskirts, folks because Anton Lubchenko is gonna be kicking higher than a mule on payday.
Oh, Land O'Lakes, take that ozone layer.
- What a glorious day to be that man's foot.
- [ Kiss .]
Whoa! Anna, get your radar gun, 'cause that tamale was one tall drink of water.
He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge? -[ Gunshot .]
- Ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those peepers 'cause here comes the halftime parade.
[ Gasps .]
I forgot my float.
Pass me down.
[ Giggling .]
Stop that.
Okay, Lise.
- If they don't have tabbouleh, what's your second choice? - They'll have tabbouleh.
You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arr, ain't ya? Nah.
I don't do that anymore.
So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression.
And I thought he had it all.
I've had - #The halftime of my life # - [ Squeals .]
And I owe it all to S.
An overdue tribute to halftime itself.
And as those lumbering ships of the gridiron sail off into our memories the players return to the field.
[ Homer.]
Ahh! Hang on! - And what's this? - [ Vehicle Backfiring .]
Wait! Wait! I got a float too.
Listen up, 'cause I gotta explain a lot of it.
- [ Booing .]
- Boo? - Hey, look out! He's nuts! - Look out! Out of the way, Baryshnikov! [ Gasps .]
- [ Screams .]
- [ Gasps .]
He hit the star player.
Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking.
- Now does this hurt? - [ Screams .]
Just a simple yes or no.
Oh, I only wanted to show my school spirit.
I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar athlete.
No, wait.
I got a kid who's a miracle worker.
He'll heal him up real good.
- Well, he'd better.
Or else- - Or else what? Oh, right.
The ice pick.
Bart, I need a miracle.
Sorry, Dad.
I can't just magically cure a broken leg.
[ Clears Throat .]
Ahh! Please, Bart.
You've gotta use your powers.
I'm beggin' ya.
- [ Groaning .]
- Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.
Lubchenko must return to game.
[ Chuckling .]
Oh, your playing days are over, my friend.
But you can always fall back on your degree in Communications? Oh, dear Lord.
I know.
Is phony major.
[ Sobbing .]
Lubchenko learn nothing.
Bart, do your thing.
[ Gulp .]
Okay, God.
If you did give me a power, let it work now.
Not just for me, but for my dad.
Heal! Oh, Doctor! With S.
behind and seconds left my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tillie's root cellar.
- [ Crowd Cheering .]
- So we'll- Oh,jumpin' crawdaddies! Is that Lubchenko coming back on the field? Yea! Bart did it.
And they're gonna try for a field goal.
A field goal? Hmm, 1 9, 20, 21 - [ Gasps .]
That would win the game.
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Cheering .]
- Aw.
- Ohh.
- [ Whistle Blows .]
- [ Crowd Cheering .]
I did it! I did it! My leg, it broke off.
- Whoa.
- Yes! [ Hums: Heavy Metal .]
Poor guy.
He lost his leg.
Oh, no, no.
The fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight.
You know, drink beer out of it and so on.
But it'll turn up in the morning, and I'll sew it back on.
- Will that really work? - Well, I assume so.
- As long as I have Bart's healing powers.
- Why won't anybody listen to me? I don't have any special powers.
I am not a healer.
More money for me.
- [ Murmuring .]
- Shh!
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