The Simpsons s11e12 Episode Script

The Mansion Family

[Chorus .]
# The Simpsons # THE MANSION FAMILY [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Jazzy Solo .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
- Mm-mmm! - Hmm! - Hello, I 'm Kent Brockman.
- [ Light Applause .]
- And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
- [ Loud Applause, Cheering .]
- And I'm Kent Brockman! - [ Lone Cough .]
- With Britney Spears! - [ Loud Applause, Cheering .]
And we're here to present the- - 65th- - Annual- - Spring- - field- - Pride A- - wards! Tonight we'll be recognizing outstanding members of- - the- - Springfield community.
This is my year, Marge.
Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great.
I don't know.
There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.
Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend- a man who brings laughter and joy - to the children of Springfield.
- [ Gasps .]
- With his big, red nose and baggy pants.
- Krusty the Clown! - Hey, hey! - What?.
- Who are you?.
- Seat filler.
Aw! Hm! Everyone gets an award but me.
I can't help it if I donated the most blood.
I 'm feeling kinda woozy.
[ Groans .]
- Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?.
- You won a Grammy.
I mean an award that's worth winning! You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.
- I told ya! - Well, sorry! And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years.
- Our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.
- [Applause .]
[ Britney.]
Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield.
and introduced the toothbrush to our fair city.
[ Scattered Murmuring .]
Hey! Not bad! [ Kent Brockman .]
Forty years, he was Springfield's only basketball player - but he still managed to entertain the crowds - [ Cheering .]
[ Brittney.]
In the market crash of 1929 he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.
- You' re doing the right thing.
Oh, oh! Out you go! - Ohh! - [ Chuckles .]
My, you're a big one.
No, no turning back now.
- Yaah! Off a tall building- That's a great way to do it! And in 1935, our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long.
[ Groaning .]
No-o-o! And now, Springfield's oldest citizen- he is, like, totally venerable- Cornelius Chapman! - [Applause, Cheers .]
- Mm-whaa! - [ Groaning .]
- [Audience Exclaiming.]
- ## [ Rim Shot .]
- Well, guess we should've expected that.
Well, this award has to go to somebody.
Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?.
Over 80.
One hundred years old.
? - Homer, sit down! - What's that, sonny?.
- [ Marge Groans .]
- [ Applause, Cheers .]
- [ Marge Groans .]
- [ Applause, Cheers .]
Uh- This is so sudden Da- Uh- Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow! [ Straining .]
Boy, he didn't want to let go of that! [ Laughing .]
Now, let's see.
I- I don't have a speech prepared.
But, uh, abra-cadaver! "Thank you all so much.
"I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to the-" "Puppies.
" "Patriotism.
" "Bluebirds.
" [ Blows Raspberry .]
- I'm not reading this drivel.
This speech is over.
- [Applause Smattering.]
[ Orchestra .]
[ Grunting .]
Well, that was a great night for us all.
That's not an award.
That's part of the set.
Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.
[ Groaning .]
[ Sighs .]
Now that I'm the town's oldest man I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore.
I have to start taking better care of myself.
You know, I haven't had a "medicine" checkup in ages.
Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world.
I 'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
Very well.
But I'll need someone to watch my house.
Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?.
Homer Simpson, sir?.
- Yes! The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.
- [ Groans .]
Now, if the house catches fire - I want you to call this number.
- Uh-huh.
The fire department.
- Yes.
They're new, but they're good.
- Sir, we should get going.
Don't worry about a thing! We'll take good care of your house! Look at me! I'm a billionaire! Aa-aahh-ohh! Oof!.
- I forgot my- - [ Chuckles .]
Good Lord! This bedroom is as big as our house! And the bed never needs to be made.
Check it out.
- Heh-heh! [ Gasps .]
- Hmm.
Seems a little wasteful.
Wasteful and.
A mechanical dressing delay.
Watch this, Marge.
- [ Whirring, Clanking .]
- Ooh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh, no! No! - [ Bell Dings .]
- Now I'm ready to hit the town.
Mm-hmm! [ Chuckles .]
[ Rattling, Clicks .]
- Close that door! - Aah! Wow.
He's got every Nancy Drew even the controversial Clue in the Clock.
So many swears.
[ Panting .]
I 'm Al Unser J r.
- [ Whinnying .]
- I 'm Princess Margaret! I 'm drunk! [ Slurred Groan .]
It's nothing serious.
Just lay off the chili, and you should be fine.
- [ Chuckling .]
- Don't you laugh, Fidel.
I've been in the car with you.
Let's see.
"Social Security number.
" Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two.
Damn Roosevelt! "Cause of parents' death.
" Got in my way.
[ Owl Hooting.]
Mom! Bart's making faces at me! I think.
[ Loudly .]
Look how loud I have to yell! This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes.
I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with this one?.
[ British Accent .]
Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Homer, watch your la- Ohh! That's a lifesaver.
Man, this is livin'.
[ Groans .]
Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians Like Bill "Crosby" and David "Letterson.
" [ Humming .]
Oops, forgot to swirl it.
Homer, did you jimmy open Mr.
Burns' liquor cabinet?.
"J jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
[ Lascivious Purr.]
- But house-sitting is a sacred- Hey! - [ Marge .]
Stop swirling, Homer! Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me.
Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.
[ Gulping, Swishing .]
And another thing! If I have- [ Glass Pings .]
Operator, get me Thailand.
T-I- and so on.
- Homer, who are you calling?.
- Everybody! I found Burnsie's address book.
I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt and then I called the queen of England and asked her how it was going'.
- And.
then I- - Well, don't run up Mr.
Burns' phone bill.
Just a second, Marge.
How's everything on your end?.
That's some language you got there.
And you talk like that 24-7, huh?.
- Hey! - Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house.
- You're not a billionaire.
- Gee.
Way to burst my bubble, Marge.
All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable.
Burns will be back tomorrow.
Marge, you're right.
We do have to have a party! Party?.
No! No parties! - What about par-tay?.
- No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies - no mixers, no raves, no box socials.
- Damn! And I looked so good on that bike.
[ Sneers .]
Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything every disease on this chart.
We'll just start by drawing some blood.
Well, isn't that odd?.
It's like poking through meringue.
Oh, try this arm.
I saw some blood in there the other day.
[ Inhales Deeply, Blows .]
- Come on.
Keep blowing.
- [ Panicked Yelping .]
- [ Bell Dings .]
- Okay.
Twelve centimeters.
I'm a big boy.
[ Whirring .]
[ Screech, Buzzing .]
- There's your problem.
- [ Moans Faintly .]
- [ Growls .]
- ## [ Moe Humming .]
Havin' a party, Moe.
I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.
How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?.
Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2:00 p.
on account of it's Sunday.
If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doin' here?.
Oh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.
When it gets to here, we can drink again.
- But I need that beer now! - Sorry, 2:00 p.
Or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters.
Heh! - What's that, a theme park?.
- No, the ocean.
Once you get 1 2 miles out, there's no laws at all.
That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.
[ Homer.]
They were so drunk! Gentlemen, get off your knees.
Your rich Uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen! - And you're invited.
- Yeah! - All right! [ All Clamoring .]
Oh, no, you don't! I'm not gonna let you trash Mr.
Burns's yacht.
Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity just in case I never become a real billionaire.
Oh, Homie.
I don't care if you're a billionaire.
I love you just because you're- - Hey! There's another way to get on the boat! - Whoo-hoo! [ Laughing .]
Propellers! Spinning! Turn! Left! Boat go there! [ Passengers Cheering .]
Don't worry, Mom.
I'm sure he'll be okay.
The boat's going sideways! [ Homer.]
Ship's ahoy! Well done, Mr.
Well done.
Homer, have we hit international waters yet?.
Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
I can't sell you beer till we cross the line! Legally, you could give us free beer.
- Ow! - Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?.
Hey! [ Snickers .]
Sucker! Ow! We made it, son.
International waters- the land that law forgot.
[ Giggling, Chattering .]
[ Whooping, Shouting .]
- ;Ha, toro! - [ Bull Bellowing .]
Wow! You can do anything out here.
That's right.
See that ship over there?.
They're rebroadcasting major league baseball with implied oral consent not express written consent, or so the legend goes.
Arr, I now pronounce ya man and cow.
[ Mooing .]
Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing.
Yarr! There are no laws! We can do anything we want! Anything! Ow! Ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny! Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests.
You may shake my hand if you like.
- Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
- Eh?.
Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States.
You have everything.
- You mean, I have pneumonia?.
- Yes.
-Juvenile diabetes?.
- Yes.
- Hysterical pregnancy?.
- Uh, a little bit, yes.
You also have several diseases that have just been discovered- in you.
I see.
You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?.
- Uh, no.
No, I'm afraid not.
- Well, this sounds like bad news.
Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.
- Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
- Well- Here is the door to your body.
You see?.
And these are oversized novelty germs.
Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer.
[ Laughs .]
Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[ Whooping Like Curly, Speaking Like Moe .]
Move it, chowder head! We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
So what you're saying is I'm indestructible.
Oh, no, no.
In fact, even a slight breeze could- Indestructible.
[ Electrical Crackling .]
Why are we cleaning this room?.
I don't think we were even in here.
Honey, we want Mr.
Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it.
[ Humming .]
- Whoa! - [ Glass Squeaking .]
- ## [ Humming .]
- [ Whimpers .]
- ##[ Disco .]
- [ Laughing, Chattering .]
[ Carl.]
Nice moves! Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics.
" They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
- Give it to him, boy! Give it to him! - [ Chittering .]
Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab, stab! [ Chuckles .]
Oh, he ain't pretty no more.
- [ Bell Ringing .]
- [ Bullhorn Squawks .]
Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans.
[ Man, Amplified Voice .]
We can't hear you! Come 300 feet closer! Nice try.
You're not gonna nail us.
But we just want to party.
Oh, really?.
Then play some rock music.
[ Iimitating Electric Guitar .]
[Joins In .]
Come on, Bart! The Coast Guard's covering the "Doo"! A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do-do-do-do A do-do - [ Laughing, Cheering .]
- Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?.
[ All .]
You are! Looks like another homosexual party boat.
They always have such nice things.
Perhaps we should pay them a visit.
- A deadly visit?.
- Well, let's play it by ear.
- # Well, you're talking 'bout the China Grove, whoa-oh-oh # - [ Laughing, Chattering .]
- # Oh, China Grove ## - Huh?.
[ Laughing .]
[ Yelps .]
Pirates! - Are you friendly pirates?.
- Uh, not really, no.
- Then what have you done with my party guests?.
- [ Panicked Yelps .]
They got my bus pass! They got my bus pass! Whoa! They're poking every nook and cranny- well, every cranny anyway.
So far, the nook is relatively- [ Yelling .]
Oh, no! No, it isn't! Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island a.
Hong Kong.
Aye, aye, Captain.
- [ Bullhorn Squawks .]
- Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.
- Oh, bless you! - How about a tactical nuclear strike?.
Oh, that would be just- Ohh.
You're just yanking my chain, aren't you?.
- Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.
- ## [ Horn, Mocking Tone .]
- Enough! Get in the net.
- I don't want to! - [ Parrots Squawking .]
- [ Grunting .]
[ Chitters .]
Aha-ha! Prepare to die! You too.
Aah! Rope burn! Oh! Oh! Charley horse! Charley horse! Aa-aah! Aah! My mouth! I, eh- I n the net, right?.
- Some party, Homer.
- Shut up, net-face.
- Hey, you're in the net too.
- I said, "Shut up, net-face"! Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe! Eh, you didn't miss much.
Honeydew is the money melon.
And now we will cut you loose.
For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.
[ All Screaming .]
Hey, what do you know?.
It floats.
That was my plan all along.
Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
What about the people on the bottom?.
They're the greatest heroes of all.
Hey! Something's clawing at my leg! Okay, it stopped.
It looks great.
I can't believe we scrubbed that old-man smell out of a hundred and thirty-seven rooms.
Smithers old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health.
- Oh, and sorry about your news.
- Thank you, sir.
Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain?.
I prefer not to know.
Frankly, one is too many.
Echh! The foul stench of youth! Well, let's see.
Ming vase on narrow column not knocked down.
Priceless coins not used in vending machine.
Yes, not bad! Mr.
Burns Pirates caught your Yacht What! I realise though someone's absence is unavoidable [ Horrified Gasp .]
Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face?.
Ohh, there, there.
- Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.
- [ Groans .]
Ahh, it's good to be home.
I don't know.
After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
Nah, it's not so bad.
Here we can spit on the floor.
Bart, stop that! Now, we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork but we have everything we need right here.
That's right Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have- [ Sobbing .]
Oh, I can't even finish! I want to be rich! [ Sobbing Continues .]
[ Sobbing Continues .]
Like these guys! [ Wailing .]
Look at all these rich people here! Not as rich as they should.
be, of course, but still rich! [ Sobbing .]
All the big money! Look at all the names that own money and.
have lots of money! [ Sobbing .]
Oh, he 's poor.
But look at all the other people that aren 't p- Oh, look at all the people who could.
buty and.
sell me! I should.
a list of these names to the I.
! I'm taking them all down! [ Sobbing .]
Oh, look at all the rich people! [ Screaming .]
Oh, look at that rich- - Shh! - Don 't shush me, you rich bastard.
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