The Simpsons s12e13 Episode Script

Day of the Jackanapes

[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy! [Crying] [Announcer] Welcome back to America's favorite game show- [All] Me Wantee! [Announcer] And here's that question-asking guy, Virgil Sinclair! - All right, Moe Szyslak.
- Yes, Virgil.
Yesterday, we asked if you wanted to risk it all for $500,000.
And you stalled for 20 minutes.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
I was told to.
Hey, that's great.
But now we must have your answer in the next 10 or 15 minutes.
[Crowd] Ooh.
You want some of this? Well, do ya? - I can honestly say I do.
- All right then! For half a million dollars which of the following is not a subatomic particle? Oy.
[Sinclair Reading] Oh, boy.
All right, let's see here.
Uh, well, I was born in Indiana.
So that ain't it.
And, uh- Hmm.
I better call my lifeline.
[Rings] Hello? Hey, Moe.
We're watching you on TV! Yeah, I know, Homer.
So, how's that bowel obstruction doing? Homer, please! [Chuckles] I got a nuclear-type question here.
Well, it all starts when a "nulecule" comes out of its nest.
- The answer is bonbon! - I'm gonna say "bonbon.
" Bonbon, eh, Moe? Is that your ultimate response? - Yeah-huh.
- Ohh.
You are correct! - [Sighs] - [Chuckles] Well, Moe, would you like to stop where you are, or try for one million dollars? [Crowd Gasps] Well, gee, I really do love currency.
But, um, I think I'm gonna play it safe and stick with what I got.
- You're the boss.
- Yes, I am.
[Cheering] Aw, this quiz show crap is just a fad.
- Fad or not, it's here to stay.
- And it's killing your show in the ratings.
What do you want from me? I do a kids' show.
And it's a classic.
We just want you to open it up.
Run wild, shatter the boundaries, slash and burn.
- Without alienating anyone.
- Oy! These ferkachted network notes.
Can you believe this? All we're saying is be dangerous, but warm.
- And edgy-cute.
- [Screaming] Did that exit work for you? - I'd like to see it without the scream.
- I was just thinking that.
- [Barking] - ## [Theme] Hey, hey, kids! Let's hear it for Madam Mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles! [All Cheering] We'll be back with a sketch set in the craziest place! A restaurant! [Laughs] And roll commercial.
Krusty, yeah, quick thought about this restaurant set.
- Huh? - Could it look more like a diner? - Ooh, the Seinfeld diner.
- Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds! - 'Cause the great thing about Seinfeld was the- - You're on, Krusty.
Ah, nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant.
Ah, here comes the waitress.
We're losing male teens.
Can you get jiggy with something? You're giving me notes while I'm on the air? That tears it! Folks, I've been in show biz for 61 years.
But now these jerks have sucked all the fun out.
I don't need 12 suits telling me which way to pee.
For "pee," could you substitute "whiz"? I don't know.
That could upset the Cheez Whiz people.
- I was just thinking that.
- I can't take it anymore! Folks, don't miss this Friday's show.
It'll be my last.
- [All Gasp] - Quitting show biz.
- No, I like the area.
But where does it go? - Get away from me! - Wait! - We have more notes! [Grunting] Get off, damn you! You can kill me, but two more will take my place! I can't believe Krusty's retiring.
This is tragic.
A world without Krusty.
What would that be like? - What's on TV? - Nutsy the Clown.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive.
Maggie shot Mr.
Burns again! [Cricket Chirping] [Coughs] Krusty the Clown's retirement has provoked an outpouring of anguish not seen since the small plane crash that killed the Banana Splits.
We now go live to Krustylu Studios.
[All Crying] [Kent Brockman] What's the mood there, Chief Clancy Wiggum? These kids are getting a little out of hand, Kent.
So we're gonna have to fire the time-out gas.
- [All Screaming] - Hey, Kent, are you guys still having that contest where we guess what city the weather girl's in? - [Chuckles] That was eight years ago.
- Is it Pittsburgh? I spoke to Krusty about his legacy of laughter.
Kent, the young people today, they think comedy is dirty words.
It's not.
It's words that sound dirty, like "mukluk.
" - [Both Laughing] - [Krusty] Mukluk.
You like that? No charge.
Mukluk.
[Laughs] Mukluk.
Oh, can it, you tiresome tot-sitter.
I was the risible one in our dyad.
Ever watch the old episodes? Oh, Kent, that's a sad story.
I taped over all my old episodes.
Oh, you know, I had a thing forJudgeJudy and blank tape was 3.
99.
- What would you do? - [Gasps] Those are my shows! Frankly, Kent, those episodes were no big loss.
The show didn't really get funny until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired whozits.
You've erased my past.
- Now I'll erase your future.
- [Bars Clanging] Hey, hey! Lights out! Oh, honestly.
At Chino they get to stay up till 9:00.
Now, Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino - and that's just not true.
- [Groans] Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment.
Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment.
First, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized.
Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books.
These are from the new Tom Clancy.
Although it's less painful than reading him.
Am I right, folks? Motion granted.
Release the prisoner.
[Thunderclaps] Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob.
I'm gonna be on you like red beans on- Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast.
Hey, no fair.
You got long legs.
I got these little bitty hooves.
[Panting] Bob! Okay, here's your storage locker.
Just the way you left it.
Thank you, Raphael.
Now this is a ticklish question, but- You want to live in the box? Cost you two bucks a day.
Oh, thank you, kind innkeeper.
- You gonna want a wake-up jab? - Please.
No problemo.
[Humming] - [Garage Door Opens] - [Man] Hiya, neighbor! Hey, what-what- what you writing there? If you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge.
Revenge, huh? Half the guys in here are working on that.
- [Chuckles] - Well, mine's better.
Phase one begins in 10, nine, eight- Oh, I can't wait! Now, Bob, your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor.
My blushes.
But I am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people.
To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson.
[Chuckles] Good luck.
That kid's like the Road Runner.
He won't go down.
- Tell me about it.
- [Both Laugh] Hey.
You know, Bob your voice would be perfect for the school's morning announcements.
Attention.
The French Club picnic has been canceled.
- Quel dommage.
- You're hired! It begins.
[Sinister Laughter] I mean, my announcing career.
That's what's beginning.
[Sideshow Bob] Good morning, Springfield Elementary.
- In the Lost and Found today, we have one plaid kilt.
- [Gasps] - I believe the clan is Graham-Monroe.
- Oh.
This new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar.
And finally, Bart Simpson should immediately proceed unescorted to the old sports equipment shed behind the school.
[Sinister Laughter] So long, suckers! ## [Humming] [Bird Screeches] [Children's Voices] Ring around the rosie.
- [Bats Screeching] - [Screams] - Hello, Bart.
- [Gasps] Oh, it's you, Bob.
How you doing? No screams? Not even an "eep"? Hey, I'm not afraid of you.
Every time we tangle, you wind up in jail.
I'm 6 and 0.
I'll admit that the record is a little one-sided.
But this time, I cannot fail.
[Grumbling] Rakes.
My old archenemy.
- I thought I was your archenemy.
- I have a life outside of you, Bart.
[Thunderclap] - What are you gonna do to me? - Oh, believe me, I have a plan.
Let's see.
" Get job as school announcer.
Lure Bart to shed.
Secure same to chair with rope.
" Ah, here we are.
"Have Bart kill Krusty.
" Krusty? That's the one man I would never kill! Oh, you will kill Krusty during his final show.
And you won't even know you're doing it.
Watch the shiny quarter, Bart.
That's it.
Oh, damn it! Where'd it go? - I needed that for laundry! - Hey, stupid.
You looked.
[Grumbling] Yes.
That will do.
Watch the spiral, Bart.
Let it entrance you with its twirliness.
Twirliness.
You are in my power.
I am at your command.
I didn't say anything about command.
You're in my power.
Say so.
I am in your power.
Excellent.
Actually, go back to command.
No, power.
Power.
Look.
Krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode.
Hello, family.
Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime.
I was- I was- If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop.
I was at the flower shop.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I was at the flower shop too.
- Yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop.
- [Groans] Now to see if you will really attack your hero.
[Shouting] Yes! Yes! Work the groin! - Excuse me.
Could you take our picture? - Aye-uh.
It should focus automatically.
- It do.
- [Shutter Snaps] - Chief, you might want to take a look outside.
- That's it! Kill Krusty! Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night! Oh, it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat.
These days, it's all aluminum this and George W.
That.
Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy Meal.
- Aw, mini-pinball! - Hey, give that back.
- Give what back, Lou? - [Pinball Game Ringing] Oh, yeah! [Sinister Laughter] ## [Ragtime] Good evening, folks.
And welcome to my final clown-cast.
The word "legend" has many definitions.
This is for Sideshow Bob.
[Screaming] [Moaning] Marvelous, marvelous.
Funny till the end.
Moment of silence.
Well, it's my show now.
[Cheering] Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hmm? Oh.
Just a dream.
But tonight I will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance! - [Banging] - [Man] Bug spray.
[Groans] [Shouts, Grunting] Kent Brockman here at Krusty the Clown's final show.
And here comes out-of-work actor Ranier Wolfcastle.
Someone please give me a job.
I've lowered my quote to eight million.
[Chuckles] Hear that, Hollywood? The boy wants to work.
I do nude scene, I play nerd.
Don't make me punch your throat! [Chuckles] Always a delight.
## [Drumroll] [Announcer] And now, retiring for the fifth and final time - Krusty the Clown! - [Applause] Thank you, folks.
Now fasten your funny belts as our own Chimpendale's dancer - gives you the full monkey! - [Applause] - ## [Disco] - [Man] # I believe in miracles # [Homer] Take it off! # Where you from, you sexy thing Sexy thing, you # [Sideshow Bob] Bart.
Bart.
It's time, Bart.
Time to blow up the clown.
Time to blow up the clown.
Go.
Blow.
And now a special treat.
My TV debut on " The Milk of Magnesia's Summer Cavalcade.
" Let's watch.
Look at me.
I'm Kaputnik, the Russian satellite.
[Gasps] Oh, the Bolshoi's doing the Nutcracker in my pants! - [All Gasp] - Back then you couldn't say "pants" on TV.
I was banned for 10 years.
Finally I got a second chance on Laugh-In.
- ## [Theme] - Hey, Krusty.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bagel? - [Banging] - [Krusty] The ferkachted doors are stuck! Don'tjust stare, Arte.
Help me! Those lousy shutters set me back another 22 years.
[Applause] [Humming] Mmm! That's good plastic explosive.
[Chuckles] Now, my little hypno-assassin your cue to attack will be when Krusty says "I've never had such a great audience.
" You will run up and hug him, blowing each of you to smithereens.
Whatever.
Now we're gonna show you some clips from- [Laughs] Oh, no.
I wanted to keep this quiet.
[Laughs] Can I embarrass this guy for a moment? Three years ago, Krusty pledged over a million dollars to start Krusty's Care Centers.
- Please, stop already.
- [Applause] To this day, Krusty has not given us a dime.
- Has he, Frances? - [Groans] I'm cold all the time.
Oh, look.
It was all a bookkeeping snafu.
- Can I have the check now? - Now? Eh- - Uh, sure.
- God bless you, Krusty.
- [All Sigh] - And if my banker's watching let nothing stop you from payment of this check.
Ah, the catwalk.
A perfect vantage point for revenge.
[Sinister Chuckle] Ah, kettle chips.
The perfect side dish for revenge.
What a special night.
And you know something? I've never had such a great audience.
Hmm? - We've had a lot of laughs- - Well, Krusty this is your Waterloo.
Soon you'll be Napoléon Blownapart.
- Ew.
Terrible.
- Oh, hush up, Leo! You know, I'd like to thank God for all my success even though I never worshipped or believed in him in any way.
But before I sweep up my last spotlight there's one thing I've gotta say.
Over the years, I've- [Inhales] A lot of-whoa- And I've- [Grunts] My share of- aooga! But there's only one thing I'm ashamed of.
Ashamed? There was a man who used to work for me.
A man of grace and humor.
But I mistreated him and drove him to a life of crime.
So wherever you are, I just want to say Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry.
Oh, Bob, you repaid my abuse with raw hatred But I need you today Oh, Bob Well, you went to Apu's and you framed me So they locked me away Oh, that sweet, funny man.
Oh, no! My boy bomb! Well, good night and- Ah, look.
It's a towheaded little fan.
What do you say, folks? Should I hug him? [All Cheering] No! Hmm? [Gasps] [Screeching] - Oh, God! A bomb! - I was just thinking that.
Hmm.
[Grunts] What happened? Was anyone hurt? Just some network executives.
[Deep Voices] We have notes.
Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy! Okay, everybody.
Say "funny.
" Funny! Perfect.
Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder.
Will ya stop with the "sorry"? Every time you try to kill me my ratings go through the roof, you nut! We are good together, Krusty.
It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty.
- Oh! Don't remind me.
- [Squeaking] Okay, where do you wanna do this thing? - Isn't it customary to have a trial? - Oh, a wise guy, huh? Shh! [Krusty] Mukluk.