The Simpsons s12e14 Episode Script

New Kids on the Blecch

[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Alarm Wailing] ## [Fanfare] [Announcer] Welcome back to Great Moments in Olympic History.
At the 1936 Berlin Games, Jesse Owens humiliates Adolph Hitler by outracing his zeppelin.
[Shouts In German] [Announcer] 1968, Mexico City.
Bob Beamon shatters the world long jump record.
[Screaming] - [Vehicles Crashing] - Ow! [Shouts In German] And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever - at age 38.
- [Groans] [Gasps] Thirty-eight! That's roughly my age.
Marge, after a lot of thought I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon.
Oh, please.
You get exhausted watching The Twilight Zone marathon.
[Laughs] I'm a regular Billy Crystal.
- You got that right.
- Well, Dad, I think running's good exercise.
- It adds years to your life.
- Stay out of this, Lisa.
Marge, I've made up my mind.
I'll do your job for a day, and you do mine.
Then we'll see who has it tougher.
[Smug Laughter] [Door Closes] Good afternoon.
And welcome to the 97th Springfield Marathon commemorating the time Jebediah Springfield ran across six states to avoid his creditors.
You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see.
Sweatbands, check.
- Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check.
- [Squishing Sound] Attention, runners.
On your mark, get set now get outta here before I change my mind.
[Crowd Cheering] [Pants] I can't believe it.
I'm actually running a marathon! [Gasps] I hit the wall! This is so painful.
Hey, I got my second wind! [Gasps] Another wall! I just- Whoo-hoo! Third wind.
- Faster, rickshaw driver! Faster! - Ow! - Sir, the whip isn't helping.
- Silence! - You call yourself Chinese? - [Grunts] No one can outrun The Flash! [Gasps] Curses! One of my super foes has set a trap for me.
- [Panting, Moaning] - Hey, Grampa's running! That's not Grampa.
Dad's just dehydrated.
[Panting, Moaning Continue] [Kent Brockman] And with 500 yards to go the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck.
Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion.
But only one will win the grand prize: A walking tour of Springfield.
[Both Panting] [Sinister Chuckle] That tour is mine.
Well, hold the phone, Dora.
A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere.
He's running on sheer pluck, moxie and grit.
All of which he'll be tested for after the race.
- [Crowd Cheering] - Hey, I "winna" the race! Viva Italia! Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy.
I love-a you all.
I use up all of my English.
## [Fanfare] Grazie, Springfield! - [Crow Caws] - [Gasps] - He's a phony! - Lousy cheater! - I demand a re-race! - [Runners Groaning] I got a better idea.
Let's have a fun run on his trachea.
- Yeah! - Kill him! - Make him pay! - [Runners Shouting] [Bart Shuddering] - Get in.
Hurry! - [Bart] Mob, stranger.
Mob, stranger.
Stranger! - Who are you? - Oh, you'll find out in due time.
Well, it says here your name is L.
T.
Smash.
The time has come.
I'm L.
T.
Smash.
Thank you so much for saving our son from that murderous mob.
Well, thank you for letting me chill in your crib.
And thank you for assuming we're hip.
All right, now here's the 411.
I'm a record producer, see? I'm starting a new boy band.
And there's a place in it for Bart.
- My Bart? - Oh, yeah.
That stunt he pulled at the race shows me he's the bad boy I'm looking for.
- [Chuckles] - Now listen to me, Smash.
We're not signing anything unless it's a contract.
Why do you want Bart? He's not much of a singer.
Marge, it's not the singing that brings in the Sacagaweas.
Bart's a rebel.
And that's what I need for my new band, the Party Posse.
Now hold on.
I have some concerns.
Please, Mom.
My dream is to be a rock star! - And my dream is to get rid of Bart.
- But- - How many lives must you ruin? - Oh, okay.
Bart, I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse.
He's smart, he's soulful - he's Milhouse.
- What up, "G" Money? Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses and your heart.
- Nelson.
- Wait.
These are just guys from school.
Who's next? Ralph Wiggum? Whee! I'm a pop sensation.
And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as New Kids in the Ditch and Boy-nudo.
I'm gonna make you stars.
- ## [Pop Rock] - Sneer, sneer.
Two, three, four, and thrust.
And grab yourself right there.
Now let's go and flirt.
- You call that a flirt? I'm not melting! - ## [Stops] Okay.
'Tudes are fly and your threads are dope.
All that's left is the singing.
"Party Posse, we rule the earth.
The greatest band since music's birth"? Isn't this song a little boastful? No one told me there was gonna be boasting.
- Just take it from the top.
- [Off-key] # Party Posse # We rule the earth The greatest band since music's birth Ew! - Thank you, NASA.
- ## [Pop Rock] [In Harmony, Deeper Voice] #We love to sweat and we love to sing # We're real funky but not threatening We're the best band in the world But we'd give it all up for that special girl You're my special girl Special girl - [Panting] - # You're my special girl # # Only you ## So from now on, anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me.
And now, are you adequately prepared to rock? [All Cheering] - Silence! - [Cheering Stops] Here they are, the Party Posse! [Cheering] Hello, Springfield! Now here's a song that your Principal Skinner doesn't want us to play.
[All] Boo! That's not true.
This assembly was my idea.
I like your brand of inoffensive pop rock.
Screw you, man! We're gonna play it anyway.
- [Cheering] - Hmph! ## [Ballad] [In Harmony] # I saw you last night # At the spelling bee I knew right then That it was L-U-V I gotta spell out What you mean to me [Deep Voice] # 'Cause I can no longer be # A silent "G" - # I've gotta spell out # - [Deep Voice] # I've gotta spell out # I've gotta spell out what you mean to me Man, they're gonna be big.
And you stood in their way.
No, I didn't.
I even came in early and made orange drink.
Orange drink? What? Do you live with your mama? She lives with me.
A silent G I can't believe it.
They loved us! I'm wearing a bathrobe and I'm not even sick.
[Boy] Yo, dudes, awesome show! [Gasps] It's N'Sync! ## [Pop Rock] - Word! - What brings you to Springfield? We saw your band formation notice in the paper.
Really? You saw our B.
F.
N? I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse.
Word! - [Milhouse Grunts] - So anyway, we brought you this wicked gift basket.
- Stubble glitter, a crowd Taser.
- Crowd Taser? Yeah.
It's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine.
- Ow! Yo! - [Watch Beeping] Dudes, we gotta go.
Our clothes are getting a little out-of-date.
- To the Bandana Republic! - Word! ## [Pop Rock] Now we gotta send them a basket.
[Bart] Oh, yeah.
That's the spot.
[Grunts, Sighs] That is perfect.
Mom, can't Bart get his massage somewhere else? Don't be selfish, Lisa.
Will you two shut up? I'm missing precious V.
J.
Prattle! - [Groans] - Whoo! That was the latest ad for Stridex Pads, medicated.
Okay, coming at ya, a world premiere video from "P" Squared.
That's the Party Posse! Whoo! Yeah! All right! Rock! Whoo! [Party Posse] #Oh, say can you rock # There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in love formation Your love's more deadly than Saddam And that's why I gotta drop da bomb - Party Posse! - [Chattering] [Shouting] [Singing] Yvan eht nioj Eht nioj Yvan eht nioj You gotta love that crazy chorus.
- What does it mean? - It doesn't mean anything.
It's like "rama lama ding dong" or "give peace a chance.
" This party's happenin' It's no mirage So sing it again Yvan eht nioj [Women] #Yvan eht nioj # [Laughing] [Lisa] There's something weird about this video.
None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that.
No.
Something else.
[Pop Rock] [Lisa] "Yvan eht nioj.
'" They keep saying that.
Wait.
What was that? Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards.
Join the navy - Join the navy.
- [Gasps] They're recruiting people with subliminal messages.
[Horn Honks] Otto, what are you doing? I don't know.
I just got an urge to join the navy.
You're being brainwashed! Yeah, probably.
"Yvan eht nioj.
" L.
T.
, thank God you're here! The government's putting subliminal messages in your videos! Subliminal messages? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds? - Is that a navy tattoo? - A navy tattoo? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds? [Gasps] Lieutenant Smash! Yeah, that's right.
Lieutenant L.
T.
Smash.
A wig! But- But your pant legs.
[Moans] How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions? Oh, come on, Lisa.
We've always used pop stars to recruit people.
Going back to Elvis.
Then there was Sgt.
Pepper's the Captain & Tennille, and the Kiss army.
But you have recruiting ads on TV.
Why do you need subliminal messages? It's a three-pronged attack.
Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.
- Super liminal? - I'll show you.
Hey, you! Join the navy! - Uh, yeah, all right.
- I'm in.
Well, now that you know, Lisa I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
Bart's band is brainwashing kids with subliminal messages? That's pretty far-fetched, Lisa.
Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug? [Chuckles] Here comes the jealousy bug! - Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya! - Hey! Stop! Cut it out.
You're a grown man.
[Gasps] I want to go home now.
Nobody's going home! We're going to see Bart's concert.
An aircraft carrier? Oh, that's subtle.
Good afternoon, and welcome to the U.
S.
S.
Sea Spanker! - Are you ready to tear it up? - [All Cheering] - I can't hear you.
- [Loud Cheering] Do you maggots want to see a show or not? - [Cheering Stops] - I mean, uh- Here they are! The Party Posse! [Cheering] ## [Pop Rock] Had a girl in every port From here to Barcelona But now I'm back in Springfield And, girl I'm gonna phone ya I stormed a lot of beaches But you're the one that I miss Let's get back together, girl Let's reenlist [Normal Voice] Ow! Hot, hot, hot! So sign me up for a hitch of love Recruit my heart Four sweet years of love - Everybody ball walk! - [Cheering] Oh, yeah! Looking good, guys.
And double time! That's it.
Protect the country.
[Screeching] - Groovy, dude.
- Burn down the barbershops! I hate America! - [Eyeball Squishes] - [Screaming] [Man] Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash! Huh? Oh, Admiral.
Hup! - The hippie fantasy again? - They're getting less frequent, sir.
Excellent.
Well, there's no easy way to say this.
The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band.
Shutting it down? Permission to say "that's crazy," sir? You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad magazine.
Oh, dear God.
When this satirical bombshell hits the stands tomorrow your band will have as much recruiting power as a wax apple.
- I don't follow, sir.
- It's over, L.
T.
[Gasps] Let's march all day and clean latrines all night - [Powering Down] - [Normal Voices, Off-key] # Don't bust me down # Let's re-up tonight [All Gasp] Let's re-up tonight [AllJeering] I'm outta here.
You fool! Look what you've done! Well, now it's my turn.
- Don't do it, L.
T! - You leave me no choice! No! [Gasping] No! - [Water Splashing] - [All Shouting] - [Toilet Flushing] - So, what songs did I miss? - Dad, L.
T.
's gone crazy! - [Sinister Laughter] Yeah.
That's the look.
[Chuckles] - [Horn Sounding] - [Sinister Chuckle] Think he's gonna do something dangerous? How should I know? Just keep loading missiles.
Pop music's hard work.
The Statue of Liberty? Where are we? [Horn Tooting] All right, Posse, that's our target.
[All Gasp] [Gasps] Not Mad! That's our nation's largest mental illness-themed humor magazine! - Why don't we call it "Everybody Hates Raymond?" - [All Laughing] Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it.
We can't let L.
T.
Blow up Mad! Tina Brown was just starting to turn it around.
- We gotta mellow him out! - But how? We would need the ultimate chill-out song.
- And fast! - [Motor Humming] ## [Pop Rock] - We heard what you said.
- Yeah! Heard it old school.
[Gasps] It's N'Sync! Can the chitchat, Milhouse.
We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.
- Defuse it old school.
- 'Bout time.
- Radical! - Awesome! - I can't read.
- I can't sing without dancing.
Fine! Thrust, spin, turn.
Pivot, pout, jiggy.
Jiggy, robot, do-si-do.
And close with a Matrix.
[Groans] Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
- Yeah.
That's stupid.
- I want to twirl! Aw, come on, guys.
We've only got a few minutes.
Uh-oh.
- Everybody okay? - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm fine.
Thanks.
- I actually feel better.
[Sinister Laughter] Well, boys, the Party Posse is over.
But at least I saved you from a public spoofing.
Aw, man.
We could've been on the cover of Mad.
They called me "Smelson!" Ha-ha! Smelson.
It's funny 'cause you smell.
Smelson.
I could've thought of that.
[Irish Accent] Sure ya could've.
Off ya go now.
You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.
S.
Navy.
But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.
- And don't forget pirates.
- And jellyfish.
Those whack invertebrates will sting you, old school! So check out the navy for a two- or a four-year hitch.
- We signed J.
C.
Up yesterday.
- What? No-o-o! ## [Pop Rock] [Woman] #Join the navy # # Join the navy # # Join the navy ## It's N'Sync! ## [Whistle] [All Laughing] D'oh! I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse.
Yeah! Heard it old school! No-o-o! - Bart was so cool.
- [All Laughing] - Little short.
He's about this tall.
- Don't print that.
[Whistle] - [All Cheering] - Word.
- Itjust sounds like something I would say.
- Shh!