The Simpsons s12e15 Episode Script

Hungry Hungry Homer

[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [All Grunting, Shouting] Whoo-ohh! ## [Band: Upbeat] [Announcer] Are you sick of ordinary-shaped amusement parks? - Am I ever! - Then be the first family on your block to visit Blockoland the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks.
[Announcer] So, how much did you love Blockoland? It was all right, I guess.
Kids, how would you like to go to Blockoland? - [Both] Meh.
- But the TV gave me the impression that- - We said, "Meh.
" - M-E-H.
"Meh.
" [Slurping] Well, I'd like to go.
How about you, Maggie? [Squeals] [Grunting] Aww! - [Car Starting] - Huh? - [Barking] - Maggie, no! - [Loud Clunking] - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! We're here.
Howdy, partner.
[Chuckles] Four score and seven blocks ago, my- Aah! Aah! [Sighs] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whee! Okay.
We have our choice of Rectangle Land Cube Country or Squaresville.
Squaresville sounds pretty cool.
[Laughs] [Monotone Voice] I am a robot.
Do what I say.
[Chuckles] I am a washing machine.
Do what I say.
[Both Grunting] Take that! In the face! [Grunting] You knocked his block off! - Come with me.
- [Beeping] Check it out.
I built myself a healthy apple.
But you made it out of ham cubes.
Yup.
A shiny new apple.
[Squeaking] I get it! Everything's made of blocks! - Even the water! [Grunting] - Uh, hey! Ow! Hey, Boat 28, stop splashing.
What are you gonna do about it? Uh-oh.
Aah! [Gasps, Coughing] [Screams] Leeches! Ow! Why did I get this LEGO shirt? Don't you mean "Blocko" shirt? Right, right.
"Blocko" shirt.
Lisa, how's your Eiffel Tower kit? It's okay, but it's missing a piece.
Welcome to real life, Lisa.
You can't fight city hall, a.
k.
a.
Blockoland.
So don't even try! What kind of a thing is that to tell your children? It's what I always tell them.
I told them that twice yesterday, and then again as they were going to sleep.
[Scoffs] I'm sure the gift shop will replace the missing piece.
You're right, honey.
Hear that, kids? The Simpsons are going to Blockoland! [All] Yea! - [Horns Honking] - [Homer] Excuse me.
You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower.
Hey, tough luck, pal.
You can't fight the souvenir industry.
- We're too powerful.
- Yeah, you're right.
But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own! - [Grunts] - ## [Music Box] Oh, what the hey.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, Dad.
Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.
- So, how's that new block I got ya? - Great! [Sighs] You know, standing up for the little guy felt good.
I'm gonna do it more often.
- [Marge, Homer Gasping] - [Groaning] - Mmm.
Hmm! [Growls] - [Marge Groans] - Scram! - Those bullies are gone now.
You idiot! They were beating out my shirt fire.
My heart was in the right place, jerk! There.
Thanks again, Dad.
Well, you're welcome, honey.
Now I'm gonna spend the whole day helping schmoes with their problems.
- Got a problem, Bart? - The girl at school won't go to the dance with me.
[Singsongy] Bart's got a girlfriend.
No, I don't.
That's the problem.
[Giggles] Bart's got a problem.
Don't worry, Son.
I'll handle this.
Come on.
Why won't you go out with Bart? He's a smelly, ugly dork! Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word.
- Who would you rather go out with? - Tommy.
Well, duh.
He's breathtaking.
But Bart has inner beauty, like you'd find in a rodent.
[Sniffing] And face it, you're no prize either.
You wear braces, you dress like a kid and you're not getting any younger.
- Take what you can get.
- He's right.
Grab something and don't let go.
Well, Bart's not so bad.
[Groans] They wouldn't honor my coupon for two free streaks.
They wouldn't? Well, I'll go to bat for you, honey.
- Hmm! - Yes.
May I help you? Nice place you got here.
Oh, look.
A hairnet.
Be a shame if it was hurled to the ground.
[Grunts] Ooh! How clumsy of me.
And- - Whoops! - Why are you doing these things? Either you honor my wife's coupon, or a lot more lids will be unscrewed! But I cannot streak that much hair.
- Think of the cost.
I'd be ruined! - Oh, really? Boy, you weren't kidding.
Your profit margins are razor thin! - You see? This is what I'm- - Wait a minute.
But we must have it.
It is the lifeblood of the industry.
You get the same results with a mincing gel.
But of course! I will save thousands! Thank you! Oh, Homie, I love them.
I can't thank you enough.
The satisfaction of helping another human being is all the thanks l- et cetera.
And I gave that man directions even though I didn't know the way 'cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.
Ah! Lousy Isotopes.
They're a disgrace to baseball.
- They lost again? - Mm-hmm.
The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation.
Hey, Moe.
Give me a Duff.
[Gulps] Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Sweet Duff.
Wait a minute.
Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when? They bought 'em a year ago from the Mafia.
It was the last of the family-owned teams.
I tried to return my season ticket, but they wouldn't give me my money back.
They said they wanted it.
Say no more.
I'll help you, Lenny.
- You want to help me? - Well, haven't you heard? He's the new Homer.
He's wonderful.
[Electricity Buzzing] I'm trying to get a refund for this ticket.
Is this the executive office of the ball club? - No.
This is the equipment shed.
- Oh.
Well, is that it? - That's where we keep the water heater.
- Is- - That's a tractor.
- I see.
Sir, we can't give your friend a refund just because the team is losing.
I'm sorry to hear that! - Spin that back the way it was.
- Yes, sir.
- This meeting is over.
- Okay.
So, uh, you want to go get something to eat? No, I don't.
Get outta here.
No, no! Not that door! [Gasps] "Albuquerque Isotopes"? - What is all this stuff? - It's not anything.
- Huh? - It has no purpose.
What a crazy room.
There's no Albuquerque Isotopes.
It's the Springfield- - Oh.
- No, no.
There's no "Oh.
" You're moving the team to Albuquerque, aren't you? No.
No.
We would never abandon our loyal Springfield fans.
By the way, all this barging into rooms marked "private" must have made you thirsty.
- Would you like a beer? - Well, okay.
But you can't silence Homer Simpson! I'm the friend of the downtrodden and I'm not gonna forget what I saw here today.
- Of course not.
- [Buzzing] Duffman, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff? Oh, yeah! [Male Vocalist] #Oh, yeah # Now, Homer, we've developed this additive that makes beer super, super malty.
- Care to try it? - Wait a minute.
- Will this erase my memory? - No.
Not at all.
Ma- [Yelps, Groans] Man, that is malty.
But he'll never know! [Sinister Laughing] - Good grief.
- Oh! My head! How long have I been out here? - All night.
You were yelling at the swing.
- I was? But I love the swing.
- Dad, you were nuts.
- You know me.
Occasionally, I'll be quirky.
"I'll be quirky"? Albuquerque! I'll be right back! Members of the media, thank you for coming.
The proof that the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque is right behind this door.
Excuse me.
Joel Duffman, The Newsly Times.
What's with the smear campaign against this beloved brewer? And weren't you once in a loony bin? Oh, yeah! He's right, folks.
The only story here is the rich, smooth taste of Duff.
Yes, that is an important story, but so is this! It- Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline: "Local Man is Liar.
" That is a good headline! So let me get this straight, Mr.
Duff.
The Isotopes are not moving to Albuquerque? - Absolutely not.
- So are you calling Homer Simpson a liar? Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire.
[Screaming] Well, Homie, I believe you're telling the truth about the Isotopes.
I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying or about to lie, or just finished lying.
But not when I'm telling the truth! - Yeah.
But what can you do? - There's all kinds of ways to get the public on your side.
Bob Dylan wrote songs.
Cesar Chavez staged hunger strikes.
That's it! I'll go on a hunger strike! [Chuckling] Homie, you couldn't keep up a hunger strike.
You eat while you brush your teeth.
You're eating a huge sausage right now.
So? I can stop.
And I will stop.
I'm on a hunger strike starting right now! [Grunts] [Whimpers, Groaning] [Crying] [Gasping] Mmm! Mmm.
[Smacking, Sucking] Let's see those double-A baseball honchos ignore this.
You're really not gonna eat anything? My hunger strike will not end until Duff admits they're moving the team! Bart, my chains.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
- Now it begins.
- Dad, I'm so proud of you.
If you need some inspiration, here's a book of Mike Farrell's core beliefs.
[Mumbling] Man, he really hates Wayne Rogers.
Mmm! Good-bye, Homie.
Here's Dr.
Hibbert's number if you feel weak.
Don't worry.
Duff s not gonna let me waste away to nothing.
Uh, Dad.
Oh! What a great ball game.
Thanks, Weekend Dad.
Stop calling me that.
Hey, kid and man.
Don't support a team run by liars.
- Liars? - They're secretly planning to move to Albuquerque.
That's crazy.
It would've been on a talk radio show like Sports Chat or Sportzilla and theJabberJocks! - Yeah! - Why, you little- [Shouts] Oh, so hungry.
Can't give up.
Must continue fighting evil corporation.
[Giggles] Oh, Seymour, you shouldn't have.
It's gonna go straight to my thighs.
Well, Edna, it just might have some company! Oh, Seymour! What? Nice try, God.
[Grunts] But Homer Simpson doesn't give into temptation that easily.
- Hey! - [Slurping] Stop that! [Chomping] Ahh! There's still more meat loaf.
Oh, that's impossible.
Come on.
Come on.
We all have to pitch in and eat your father's share.
Why don't you just cook less? I don't do things that way, Lisa.
Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda likeJesus But not in a sacrilegious way Geez.
Homer's losing it already.
Yeah, but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.
[Groaning] I'm so hungry! - [Gurgling] - His tummy sounds angry, Daddy.
Yeah.
That's his stomach eating itself.
- [People Cheering] - It's such a beautiful day.
Where are the crowds? Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem.
[Laughing, Chattering] Hmm.
People seem to be drawn to that kook.
Maybe we can exploit him.
No, it's too dangerous, sir.
He knows about Albuquerque.
Duffman is a cautious cat! No, listen.
Fans love wackos.
Remember that busty woman who ran out on the field and farted at the ballplayers? - Huh? - I think we've found our newest attraction.
Duffman has a bad feeling about this.
- Can it, Sid.
- [Whiny Voice] Why don't you can it, Howard? [Mumbling, Snoring] [Mumbling Continues] Huh? Wha-What's going on? - What am I doing here? - Order of Mr.
Duff, and word to the wise.
If someone hits a home run, the fireworks come out here and here.
- [Bat Hits Ball] - [Crowd Cheering] - Gotta go! - [Whines] ## [Organ: "Charge'"] [Male Announcer] Folks, it's time to meet a real super fan Hungry Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike till the 'Topes win the pennant! [Cheering] What? That's not why I'm here! [Faint] They're moving the team to Albuquerque! Hear that, folks? He said, "Go, 'Topes!" - ## ["Charge'"] - [Cheering] Oh! All this hunger for nothing! Get your hot dogs! Fat, juicy hot dogs! Pork chops and applesauce! Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck! - Yeah, duckman! Over here! - [Sizzling] Mmm! Mmm! - [Whimpering] - [Loud Chomping] Do they have to chew so loud? Oh.
I'm wasting away.
[Gasps] I'm down to a "B" cup! It's been a whole week! Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball? - Death is a part of baseball.
- Oh, yeah.
The main part.
Guys! Uh, we won't let any harm come to your husband, Mrs.
Simpson.
He'll be fine.
- He's not moving.
- [Flies Buzzing] He's probably resting from all the moving he did before you got here.
He'll start moving in a second.
I'm sure of it.
- Turn on the sprinklers.
- [Groaning] - You see there? He's fine.
- Ooh, look at him go.
[Groans] [Cheering] Oh, I'm so hungry.
Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares.
Hmm? Hmm.
[Groans] Who are you? The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Why do you look like Cesar Romero? Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
- Why are you here? - To tell you not to give up.
Oh, but I wanna.
He's talking to himself, sir.
And his smell is distracting the center fielder.
Yeah.
This is getting sad.
Let's bring him in.
- [Snoring] - Okay, skinny.
On your feet.
What's happening? Did I crush your corporation? - No.
You're being replaced.
- [Groans] [Crowd Booing] And now, taking over for Hungry Hungry Homer let's welcome Paint-drinking Pete! - [Crowd Cheering] - [Gulping] [Loud Grunting] [Weak Groaning] Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
Oh.
Me so "hungy.
" Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer.
So why not break your fast with our brand-new Isotope Dog Supreme? [Sniffing] Oh, oh! So hard to resist.
Mesquite-grilled onions jalapeño relish.
Wait a minute.
Those are southwestern ingredients! [Gasping, Muttering] Mango lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in - Albuquerque! - [All Gasping] - He's right! - Yeah! - And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"! - Homer was right! They're planning to move the team! [Angry Shouting] Now, now, now, now, see here, people.
Let's not be too hasty.
Tell the truth! Come on, everybody! [Chanting] Tell the truth! Tell the truth! - Get him out of here! - Tell the truth! Tell the truth! Don't listen to him, Duffman.
For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.
New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do? Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa, whoa! [Blubbering] - Whoa! - [Cheering] Oh, yeah! Yea! [Chanting] Eat, eat, eat! Eat, eat, eat! - Eat, eat! - Ahh.
The truth never tasted so good! Way to go, slim! Damn! That town's got too much spirit.
Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team.
See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys.
Uh, that's a football team, sir.
They'll play what I tell 'em to play for I am the mayor of Albuquerque! - [Murmuring] - Shh!