The Simpsons s12e19 Episode Script

I'm Goin' to Praise Land

[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Ice cream at church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
Wow, look at all these flavors.
"Blessed Virgin Berry, Command-mint, Bible Gum.
" Or if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
- There's nothing here.
- Exactly.
One Tower of Babel and build it to heaven.
To heaven! Oh.
Christ be with you.
[Groaning] D'oh! [Groans] [Clears Throat] Hi.
I've created the first intra-bovine ice-cream maker.
It makes use of all four stomachs.
The first being filled with rock salt, then sugar, cream and of course, Freon so cold it burns me.
I'll have the darkety kind.
Uh, one chocolate, Mootilda.
[Moos] [Gulps] Can I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla? - Huh? Uh-uh! - Oh, nonsense.
You can do it.
- [Moos] - [Groans] Ivan Reitman! - [Whining] - Ow! - I've never seen a brain freeze this bad.
- [Whining] Give me 50 c.
c.
's of hot fudge stat! Hold still.
You're gonna feel a slight chocolaty sensation.
[Gurgling] [Sighs] [P.
A.
Feedback Squeals] All right, let's welcome this evening's entertainment.
They call her the Christian Madonna RachelJordan! [Applause, Whistling] ♪Jesus loves me, this I'm sure ♪ ♪ I'm a groupie on his tour ♪ - ## [Continues, Indistinct] - RachelJordan? Isn't that the woman you had a crush on, Ned? [Stammering] I didn't have a crush on her.
- Are you blushing, Mr.
Flanders? - No, I'm not- - Leave Ned alone.
- Thank you, Homer.
He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back.
And there's only one way to find out.
Does Rachel like Ned? It says I have cooties.
Flanders has cooties! Flanders has cooties! [Applause] That was great.
I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.
Hey, she's coming this way! - [Gasps, Clears Throat] - I thought you didn't like her.
[All Laugh] - Oh! - [Gasps] Ned Flanders? - Now, where have you been hi-diddly-hiding? - Uh, huh? Oh, hey, Rachel.
[Chuckles] Well, what do you know? We both like plain vanilla with nothin' on it.
Actually, all the toppings were gone.
[Both Groan] Ants are crawling in my mouth, and I don't care.
So, uh, where's your band? They switched from Christian music to regular pop.
All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby.
" - Oh, how horrible.
- Uh! They'll all go to hell.
- Say, how's your life going? - Ooh, she wants to know how your life is going.
Well, my wife's passing was rough.
But I think I'm finally ready to move on.
That's great.
Maybe we could have coffee sometime.
Oh, she wants to have coffee sometime! - I can hear her, Homer! - He can hear you, Rachel! I'd love to get together, but tomorrow I've got lifeguard duty at the baptismal pool.
Okay.
Well, maybe another time.
You know, I'd better go check into my hotel.
Hotel? Why don't you just stay at Ned's place? My place? What would the neighbors think? We're the neighbors, and we don't think.
Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable.
You're still getting over your wife.
Now, wait just a Maude-gone minute here! I'm through livin' in the past, and you can see for yourself.
Well, you've certainly got a theme going.
All right, I'll take the couch, and you can have my room.
Oh, uh, could you sleep on my side? I'm trying to preserve Maude's indentation.
- Sorry.
- Oh, no problem! A little starch'll fix her right up.
- [Shudders] - Cold, huh? This should keep you toasty.
How about that? It says "Maude.
" [Sniffs] Mmm, I love chenille.
Don't you? I don't love it.
I don't hate it.
Mmm, well, good night, Maude.
I mean, Maude.
I mean, Rachel! I mean, Maude.
Oop! ## [Ned Humming] [Gasps, Shrieks] Oh, my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife! No, no! L-l- I know this is, uh, a tad unseemly.
But if you just let me even out the back- I'm calling a cab! Good-bye, Ned! - [Door Slams] - Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all.
Yeah, maybe it was too soon.
Well? Aren't you gonna invite me in? I sure appreciate you folks offering to go through Maude's things.
If it were up to me, I wouldn't throw anything away.
Oh, don't you worry.
We'll make all the hard decisions so you don't have to.
- We can take whatever we want, right? - Ye-What? Don't listen to him.
You just have a good time at the eye doctor.
Always do! - [Homer] Say, "Bye, Mr.
Flanders.
" - [Children] Bye, Mr.
Flanders! [Marge] Poor Ned.
He can't look anywhere without being reminded of Maude.
Yeah, a lifetime of memories.
[Grunts] Homer, don't you have any respect? Sure.
Of course I do.
But life goes on.
Ashes to ashes.
Turn, turn, turn.
Long live rock, and so forth.
[Humming] Don't throw this away.
It's Rod's first tooth.
You're right.
We could use this for witchcraft.
Wow.
Three pairs of shoes.
Someone had a fetish.
- ## [Music Box: Slows, Stops] - [Homer Grunting] Man, this is taking forever.
I know how to speed things up.
[Whining, Grinding] - [Banging] - Her pillow's stuck.
[Gulps] Oh, my.
The room looks so bare.
- Are you okay, Ned? - Yeah, just a little shocked.
What's that? Some kind of sorting machine? - Kinda.
- [Whining, Grinding] Now for the awkward part.
We gotta talk about money.
- [Gasps] - You said we were doing this out of friendship.
What? That doesn't sound like me.
Hey, Dad.
Something didn't get, um, "sorted.
" [Gasps] Maude's old sketchbook.
She was quite the little artist, you know.
Oh, eh, is that a fact? And you think you know someone.
There's our house.
A rainbow.
Oh, a white hand shaking a black hand.
"Praiseland"? "Rides, food"? A"tithing pond"? - [Lisa] It looks like an amusement park.
- You're right! Maude designed a Christian amusement park.
- Oh, it must've been her final dream.
- Hey, how about that? Let's build it for her, Daddy.
[Chuckles] Oh, that's a nice thought, Toddy.
But to build an amusement park, you need lots of money and manpower and turnstiles.
But Mommy wanted it.
- Hmm? - But where do you put something that big? You could fix up the old Storytime Village.
They've been out of business ever since that kid got his head cut off.
- That sounds perfect.
- Well, what the heck? - Who's ready to build an amusement park? - [All] Yea! Sell Storytime Village? Why, you gotta be off your tuffet! Well, it's been closed for so long, and l- I thought I could turn it into a Christian theme park.
Christian, eh? Well, that's different.
Now, the thing is I don't have a lot of money.
And what the hell good are you? Beat it, you hippie! - But l- - You're right.
That was harsh.
Tell you what.
Maybe I could donate the park as a tax write-off.
[Gasps] If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord! Ah, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is.
It's really sickening there aren't more people like you.
Now get out your pen and we'll make it official.
Oh, bless you, sir! [Grunts] Geppetto's workshop will make a great stable for the Nativity scene.
[Grunting] You're doing that the sucker way.
Try a little vitamin "G"! [Humming] [Gasps] Are you nuts? Relax.
It's a controlled burn.
Uh-oh.
[Recording: Lamb Bleating] [Straining, Grunts] Darn teenagers with their beer bottles.
Uh, yeah.
Teenagers.
Huh! [Sighs] Ned, I'm worried about you.
You've been working nonstop for the past week.
Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought.
But I'm not complaining, 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet boss.
You're our foreman, Maude.
She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that? No, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's gettin' kind of slack.
How about asking the community for donations? [Chuckles] I'm not very good at begging people for stuff.
I am.
I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
- Oh, thanks, Homer.
- No problem.
I'll need a sack and something sharp.
Well, I guess I could donate these costumes.
They're from my Last Supper pie-throwing sketch.
[Grunts] You can have these, uh, fireworks I confiscated.
Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February.
[Laughs] Oh, yeah.
Those guys and their crazy scams.
[Both Laugh] Good food though.
This sawdust'll soak up the puke from the roller coaster.
That's Willie's special blend.
[Sniffing] Do I detect a hint of cinnamon? Oh, I'll never tell.
Praiseland amusement park has its grand opening today.
We now go live to its founder, Mr.
Nedward Flanders.
Oh, morning, Kent.
Our volunteers have done an amazing job - getting the park ready here.
- [Chuckles] We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion - are the wildest thrill rides of all.
- [Babbles, Gasps] All right.
I hear the mayor's arriving for the ribbon cutting.
It is with great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena or attraction.
[Crowd Cheering] Well, Maude, your dream has finally come true.
[Children Shouting, Laughing] Halt! Who dares to disturb King David? Silence! You have invaded the chamber where I wrote all of my 150 psalms.
- [All Gasp] - I hope you enjoy hearing them all.
Number one.
"Blessed is the man - who does not walk in the council of the wicked.
" - [Chattering, Shouting] What do you hit 'em with? - There's no mallet.
- You can stop Satan with your faith.
- My face? You callin' me ugly? - No, no, no, no.
I think you're beautiful.
- Oh, that's it! - [Shrieks] Ooh, what can I get you, little Christian? How about a Noah's Ark of jellies? Oh, are there two of every flavor? - Nope.
They're all the same- plain.
- Oh.
How about a Maude mask? [Feminine Voice] I'm Maude.
God is super! Can I sit in the car? - Let's both sit in the car.
- Bye-bye.
A Bible park without beer? [Scoffs] Now I've seen everything! And this candy is subpar.
Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson.
Oh! Hey, get out of the way, pal.
You're blocking the exit.
- Oh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in? - Don't you dare! - [Dr.
Riviera] Bye, everybody! - [Apu] What a rip-off! - It ain't even worth torching.
- Whoa! Where's everyone going? What's wrong? This place is the height of tedium.
Yarr! She blows! [Gasps] [Sighs] Oh, Maude, I turned your dream of a Christian amusement park into a bemusement park.
- [Gasps] Don't say that, Ned! - It is! It's a bemusement park! I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, please, don't look at me like that! [Gasps] - [All Gasp] - It's a miracle! - [All Exclaiming] - It's almost like she's alive again.
What's that, floating mask? Y-You want me to shoot everyone? - [All Exclaiming] - Nah, I'm just screwin' with ya.
It's a miracle.
[All] Oh! - [All Exclaiming] - This is fantastic.
I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief.
Oh, what the heck! Huh? Huh? I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts! Whoa-hoa! - What the- - [Grunting] Ah! What is wrong with you? - Go get that! - Yes, ma'am.
Well, looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenome-not! [Chuckles] Because when you look at it rationally- [Gibberish] - [All Exclaiming] - He's speaking in tongues! Oh, knock it off, Seymour! Go find that boy with my purse! Oh! It was incredible! I saw heaven! - [All Gasp] - But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps like at the end of so many Three Stooges shorts.
It was a golden elementary school with a teacher's lounge that stretched as far as the eye could see.
- And no one was ever tardy.
- Was I there? - No! It was heaven- my vision of heaven.
- [Crowd Murmuring] Oh, truly this was the will of Maude.
Hey, I want the Maude statue to give me a vision! [Wiggum] Yeah! I want to hallucinate too! I'm sorry.
The ticket price doesn't cover visions, miracles or other godly hoo-ha.
Yeah, folks.
The power of Christ compels you to give Ned an extra 10 bucks.
- [Chattering, Shouting] - Homer, no! I can't exploit a divine manifestation.
Oh, why not? Everybody's doin' it.
You could give the money to the orphanage.
I hear they need a new wall.
[Whimpering] Three is not enough.
[Coughing, Gagging] [Chattering] [Humming] Maude, it's Disco Stu.
Lay some heaven on me, foxy dead chick.
Ooh! [Grunting] ## [Disco: Women Vocalizing] Ah, Disco Stu.
Right this way.
But, hey, Saint Peter, you just said, like, you was full.
- Oh, yeah! - Ah, geez.
- ## [Continues] - Ah! Ooh! Ah! - Whoa, Frank Sinatra! - For me, this is hell.
You dig, pally? Ah, ah! [Grunting] - Who's next? - That would be me.
Thank you, sonny.
[Grunting] [Alarm Blaring] My chair! It's got a mind of its own! - Help me, Mr.
Spock! - Shazbot! My captain is in peril.
[Shouting] You saved the captain's life.
I want to make out with you.
And so do Catwoman and Agent 99.
- [Purrs] - [Kisses] Oh! How come everybody's having visions, Daddy? Oh, there's no explaining God's will, Roddy.
That's like explaining how an airplane flies.
Stupid grill! Why won't you light? The gas is on full blast.
You better stick your head in and see what's goin' on.
- Good idea.
- No, Dad! I think there's a leak in the line! Leak in the line? [Hissing] [Gibberish] Oh, no! This isn't a divine miracle.
Everyone's just gettin' goofy from the gas.
[Gibberish] Uh- Uh, folks, I just discovered eh, something about this statue that, uh, may disappoint you.
You see- What is it, Mr.
Flanders? Is something wrong with the miracle? Will there still be money for the orphans? [Wheezing] [Coughing] Hello, gas company? How poisonous is your gas? Wow.
Bu- Eh- But I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation.
That- How could that be worse? Okay, permanent brain damage or just temporary? I see.
I gotta close Praiseland down.
Someone could get hurt.
- [Sighs] - "Could" get hurt.
"Could.
" There's a chance they won't.
Ned, Praiseland has touched an entire town with its inspiring message and toxic super freak-outs! Look at those smiling faces.
Rich laughing with poor.
Bullies breaking bread with nerds.
Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line.
Lighting candles? - [Gasping] - [Groaning] - [Together] No-o-o! - [Orphans Scream, Groan] I can't feel my legs.
I taste blood.
[Ned, Homer Sigh] - [All Gasp] - Adults attacking orphans? - I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that.
- Absolutely not! - Never! - No friggin' way! Yeah.
This place is more like "Crazeland.
" - [Crowd] Huh? - Instead of"Praiseland.
" - [Crowd] Oh! - I see.
- It's a play on words.
May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin', orphan-beatin' soul! - Christ be with you! - [Horn Honking] Hey, Ned! I just read about your park in that horrible triple "A" magazine.
Ooh, Ned, look who's here.
It's that girl you don't like.
Not! [Laughing] Hey, your hair's grown back real nice.
It's a wig.
And let's never speak of it again.
- So what happened here? - How about I explain it to you over a cup of coffee? That is if you're willing to give me another shot.
Are you sure you want to do this, Ned? I'm sure.
- So how about a movie tomorrow night? - Sounds great.
I think Ned is gonna be all right.
## [Disco: Women Vocalizing] # Get dancin', dancin', dance # - # Get dancin', dancin', dance # - [Man] Keep movin'.
# Here come deejay Disco Tex # # Truckin'with his Sex-O-Lettes # # Get dancin', dancin', dance # # Guaranteed to rock the boat # # Machine-gun rap and locomote # # Get dancin', dancin', dance ## [Man] Come on, baby.
Come out there and dance to your song.
Turn yourself on! [Speaking Spanish] Over Hollywood-America needs you! We need you to go dance! We need you to get together and boogie-woogie-woogie-boogie! - [Murmuring] - Shh! [Orphan Girl Coughing, Wheezing]