The Simpsons s12e20 Episode Script

Children of a Lesser Clod

[Chorus] #The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] [Tires Screeching] Welcome to the Springfield YMCA.
Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free.
And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll.
[Laughter] [Laughs] I know.
We'll never see any of you again.
- [Assenting] - [Homer] You got that right.
[Ball Bouncing] Alley-oop.
Three to one.
Oh, this is a high-scoring affair.
Yeah? Well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket.
[Muttering] I'll get a ball out of your peach basket one of these days.
[Romanian Accent] Welcome to gymnastics.
I am Coach Lugash.
I came to this country in '83 by cartwheeling over Berlin Wall.
[Giggles] - No giggling! It weakens the haunches! - [Gasps] What a little angel.
How old are you? - Eight.
- Eight? Too old! Go home, Grandma! I am sorry, little girl.
Lugash must go next door to anger management class.
Worthless anger management class! I hate it so much! I spit on it! Yo, boy, this class is tight.
You go from "sloppa" to "proppa.
" Cool.
- [Gasp] - Welcome to my etiquette class: - The Proper Young Man.
- But the black man said- Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass! Mmm, I'll pick, uh, Carl.
Lenny and Carl.
I kinda like the sound of that.
My turn, huh? Let's see.
Pick me! Pick me! I got hoop dreams, Coach! I got 'em bad! - Okay.
Homer! - Yes! Losers! Losers, losers, l- - You said Homer, right? - Mm-hmm.
Losers! I'll take Professor Frink.
Ah, you won't regret it, my good man.
What with the passing, and the dribbling and my shoes made of the flubber! And away I go! It's frightening.
Ow, that was painful.
Oh, the flubber is burning my feet! Now before we begin fitness buff Rainier Wolfcastle would like to say a few words about the Springfield YMCA.
[Grunts] Oh, hello.
I have purchased the Springfield YMCA.
I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve where I will hunt the deadliest game of all- Man! Now let's play ball! Ooh, and Lenny is taking off! - [Grunts] - That's a foul.
I am taking the ball and going home.
Hey! Hey, that's not your ball! [Rifle Clicks] The chase begins.
[Gasps] Whoo! You da man, Carl! I believe you can fly! Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American! [Grunts] [Chanting] Go, Carl.
Go, Carl.
It's my birthday.
It's my birthday.
Three-peat! You got mail, baby! - [Shrieks] - [Groans] Willie tickles the twine for two! Oy! Oy! Okay, guys.
I got a secret play I've been saving for the Olympics or possibly the Final Four.
And it goes something like this.
[Quietly] All right, Skinner, I want you to block out Carl.
Moe, you can take Professor Frink.
Homer, you take Groundskeeper Willie.
No way am I taking Groundskeeper Willie.
Yes, you are.
Are you a team player or not? Oh, my goodness, an untied shoelace.
I'll just get down on one knee and re-tie that.
[Grunts] Eat my dust, mortals! [Groans] I'm okay.
- [Metal Squeaks] - [Gasp] [Groans] Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
- Did you say anterior? - Yes.
[Screaming] Now how did this happen? Maybe a little morphine would refresh my memory.
[Chuckles, Sighs] I don't know.
I'm still a little hazy.
Ga! Oh, yeah.
- Now I remember it like it was yesterday.
- It happened today.
Hey, man, you're harshing my buzz.
Anyway, it all started when I was- [Straining] You go, Homer.
- [Grunt] Whoosh! - [Crowd Cheers] Ow! Jetson! We've got to get you into surgery.
Maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker.
- [Sigh] - [Grunts] So many times we've seen our father go under the knife.
One more and I get a free hysterectomy.
Now, Homer, you'll have a full recovery from your spinal cord injury.
- What spinal cord injury? - Oh, he fell off the gurney.
But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you can go back to work.
Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant.
Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill.
You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
But Doctor Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp.
But you don't have to worry about the bill.
We've never welshed on a- Look, a bear! Run! - [Snapping] - [Screaming Groans] [Growling] Now, Homer, I want you to stay off that leg for two weeks.
Two weeks? What am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV? That ain't my style, man.
Now, Homer, there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you.
[Sniff] No, they don't.
Mmm, everyone's having fun but me.
- ## [Humming] - Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy.
Mrs.
Simpson, can Homer come out and play? No, Homer won't be able to play for a long time.
[Groans] Would you make me someJell-O? You shoo, Barney Gumble.
[Sigh] Well, I can still hang out with you guys.
Sorry.
I got a baseball game in 15 minutes.
And I've got a rally for Take Back the Afternoon.
[Chuckles] So, the tables have turned! - Now you're the shut-in, and I'm the hip young dude! - [Cracking Noise] [Gasp] There goes my wagging finger.
I'm so bored! Aw, come on.
There's lots of ways to pass the time.
Hitch up your pants, air whittle.
[Humming] Make friends with a Chinese man.
Uh, Mr.
Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home.
- Thank you, Ping-Pong.
- My name is Craig.
Sure, it is.
This place is so boring.
I gotta do something to keep from going crazy.
I know.
I'll breed the pets to each other.
[Evil Laugh] - [Meows] - [Whines] - [Yelps] - [Meows] Soon I will have a miracle hybrid with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog! Let's get it on - [Barking] - [Yowling] - [Dog Whines] - No.
That's not how you do it! [Gasps] - [Yowls] - Quitters! - [Dog Yelping] - Hey, Homer.
Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being! - Stupid Flanders.
- Hey, Homer, I need to ask you a favor.
My babysitter canceled, and I got tickets to a Christian rock concert.
[Laughs] It's gonna be one wholesome evening.
So, you think Marge could take care of Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd? Well, Marge isn't here.
She had to identify a body at the morgue.
That's not my Uncle Lou.
And this man's not dead.
That's what I've been trying to tell you! - That's just gas escaping.
- [Cries] Would you mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a pickle here.
Well, they would keep me company.
And this pickle you're offering only sweetens the deal.
- [Cheering] - [Grunts] Mr.
Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich? - Sure.
Knock yourselves out.
And call me Homer.
- [Boys Gasp] Daddy said it's rude to call grown-ups by their first name.
Daddy's not here, is he? [Laughs] Now my good man, what do you like to play? - Pokémon! - Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the man and the- [Gibberish] - [All Laugh] - That is the darnedest thing.
So did you boys have a good time? Yeah.
Mr.
Simpson was really funny.
He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
[Laughs] Yeah.
Well, how was the concert? Well, sir, I've never heard a preacher use the M-F word so many times.
Anyway, thanks again.
Hey, it was fun.
My kids are sick of all my stories.
But they just can't get enough of me.
Can Mr.
Simpson watch us every day? [Laughs] Oh, Roddy, he's not running a day care center.
Don't tell me what I'm not doing.
So you are running a day care center? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh, I sure would.
It would give the boys a place to go after school.
Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face.
That's the one.
# This world is whistles and missiles # # Bones and trombones ## Why did you put my name on the sign? It's just a legal thing to protect me.
Is your knee really gross under there? - See for yourself.
- Ew! - Can I touch it? - Sure.
Go for the gusto.
[Whimpers] It's healing over my hand.
- It knows you're afraid.
- [Doorbell Rings] - [Chattering] - Hello.
I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
- We're calling it day care.
- Yes, whatever.
Just take them! Aw, aren't they sweet? - Any medical things I should know about? - Yes, probably! Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed.
I owe it all to my rewarding work with children.
And not picking at it.
Ah, yes, how is your day care center doing? Wonderful! Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top.
- You got any? - [Chuckles] Always with the morphine.
[Chuckles] Mmm.
Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Dad's been doing that for two hours! I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult.
- [Chuckles] Peek a boo! - [Whines] Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love? [Chuckles] Okay.
Is that all there is Is that all there is If that's all there is my friend Then let's keep dancing - [Laugh] - I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song.
Yeah! Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing till your knee was better.
Yes.
But then I discovered the joys of raising children.
- What about us? - Don't worry, honey.
You'll have children of your own someday.
Then you'll know my joy.
Hey, Bart, your dad gave me this temp tattoo.
It's so cool.
[Imitating Motorcycle] You have the "bestest" dad.
He read me a story about Chinese food.
You haven't seen the real Homer.
It's all burping and neglect.
I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.
Is that my jacket? - He said it looked better on me! - [Groans] If you're happy and you know it, say a swear - Boobs! - Heinie! - Mitten! [All Laugh] They're always laughing.
Laughing at nothing.
How come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own? I guess Dad just takes us for granted.
Well, don't worry.
This'll give his heartstrings a much-needed plucking.
[Laughs] Huh? Aw, what a beautiful frame.
Perfect for my day care permit.
Sweet.
Mm-hmm.
[Both Groan] Hang on, everybody! Three two one, blast off! [Laughing] That was "tree-mendous!" [Chuckles] Where's Ralph? I almost died! Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards.
We honor people who make life better for the community.
Like you with your day care center.
- I contributed by not objecting too much.
- Aw, that's my girl.
Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind-the-scenes footage of your amazing work.
- Is there a snack table? - It's already set up.
[Giggles, Chomping] Don't film this! Uh, excuse me.
This is a hot set.
No visitors.
- It's my room.
- Well, if you want, you can sit on this.
[Grumbling] - Teamsters are sleeping in my room.
- We'rejust resting our eyes.
'Cause the thing is there are no bad kids.
Ow! You stepped on my arm! Sorry.
Daddy thought you were a pile of cable.
Tell me about the Homer Cares Program.
My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.
Aww.
Did you make 'em yourself? Yes.
Through the magic of caring.
- Night will come soon.
- There's gotta be a way to get back at Dad.
Well, I've been cutting the felt kind of crooked.
No.
We've gotta show the world what Dad's really like.
Then everything will be back to normal.
[Evil Laugh] Back to normal.
[Evil Laugh Continues] I'm a nice guy I'm a hell of a guy And tonight we honor you Stop the music! Stop it! One more line, and we have to pay for the song! - Now, is anyone here from Springfield? - You know we are! Oh, tough crowd.
[Laughs] So what's in the news? Oh, right.
The bus disaster-very sad.
Now our first award is for biggest people pleaser.
You can walk all over these doormats.
[Laughs] And the nominees are Ned Flanders, Principal Seymour Skinner and Mother Teresa Junior.
And the winner is Principal Skinner! - [Grunts] - [Growls] [Laughs] Now I'm told there's a glitch in our Internet webcast.
So all of you out there, type " control backslash semicolon alt dot escape" - and you'll be fine.
- [Grunts] Ah, perfect.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
We'd like to thank our sponsor, Hanson's Hypno-Coins.
- If you can find a sturdier hypno-coin, you buy it.
- [Applause] Now, every year we find one Good Samaritan so deserving that not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
[Groans] Who writes this stuff? [Chimp Chitters, Growls] This year's winner ofThe Saint Who Walks Among Us Award- Please let me win this Lord, 'cause if you don't- [Krusty] Homer Simpson! - Yes! - [Cheering, Applause] All my love has come back in trophy form.
Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work.
[Man Narrating] It looks like any other home in America.
But this is the house that love built.
[Grunts] - [Engine Hums] - [Tires Screech] [Laughs] His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon ofhope.
Aww.
I guess you could sum up Homer in two words: - [Bart] Big phony! - [Gasp] This is the real Homer Simpson- - A beer-drinking meanie! - [Sniffs] - [Groans] - Huh? - And he gambles like crazy.
- [Laughs] - I'll call.
- Three nines.
Oh! I almost had a straight! Come to new papa.
- [Gasping, Murmuring] - Hey, what's the deal? We just spliced in some home movies.
What do you think? Well, I'd rather reserve judgment until l- Oh, my God! - I'll mace you good! - [Screams] - [Gasps] - That is completely taken out of context! Why you little- [Screaming] Our children aren't safe with that monster! Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse! You too, Ralphie.
You're out of that day care center.
Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds! [Grunts] No! No! No one is taking my kids from me! [Grunt] Run, children, run! [Cletus] Come back here with my young'un! The term "soccer mom" is thrown around all too often these days.
But the nominees in our next category- - [Chattering] - Where are we going? Uh, for frosty chocolate milk shakes! [Insane Laugh] Frosty chocolate milk shakes! - [Tires Screeching] - An award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight as alleged good guy Homer Simpson absconded with several children in a stolen paddy wagon.
Now let's go to Arnie Pie in the Sky.
- [Sirens Wailing] - [Arnie] I can see them right below me.
I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes.
Arnie, please leave this to the police.
I'm sick of being a reporter.
I want to make the news! - Arnie, this is not the time! - You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time! Where are we going, Mr.
Simpson? - I'll tell you where we're not going.
Jail! - Then you better turn.
Uh-oh! Aaah! [Groaning] [Arnie] He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat.
- He's digging a hole like a dog.
- [Sobbing] Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth.
He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck.
His legs are dangling in a comical fashion.
Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
[Kent Brockman] Arnie, Arnie, how are the children? [Arnie] I can't see through metal, Kent! All right, Fatty.
Out of the pipe! Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you? - Yep.
- Pretty much.
Well, I learned my lesson.
From now on, you two are the only kids I'll care about.
Oh, and Maggie.
Now let's all enjoy the snack table while we still have it.
The teamsters said they'd pick it up by 5:00.
Yeah.
That'll happen.
- [All Laugh] - [Homer] Teamsters.
- [All Laugh] - [Homer] Teamsters.
- [Bill Cosby] Pokémon? Pokémon? - Shh.
With the pokey and the man and the-[Gibberish]