The Simpsons s13e03 Episode Script

Homer the Moe

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHING) What are you reading, Homie? The Bridge column.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that South.
You never know what he'll do next.
Oh, look at that, "Dad and Drabble.
" He's like an unfunny version of me.
Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew's getting flat.
That's odd.
He's outside digging.
Probably digging for drugs.
There's no drugs out there.
No, of course not.
It's not a school project.
I'd have heard of it.
I'd better go check it out.
What are you doing? Digging.
Why? To make a hole.
A hole for what? More digging.
(GRUNTING) Okay, then.
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll find out what he's up to.
Kids shouldn't have secrets.
(WHISTLING CASUALLY) Oh, hello, young man.
Beautiful day for digging, isn't it? Yep.
Yeah.
Uh Digging for anything in particular? Nuh-uh.
So, I guess you wouldn't mind if I was to dig a hole of my own? Go for it.
Maybe I will.
What's stopping you? Very little.
(GROANS IN PAIN) I'm having chest pains.
Where's the defibrillator? Clear! (ELECTRICITY SURGING) (HOMER SIGHS IN RELIEF) This thing pays for itself.
Bart? This is Dr.
Kaufmann.
He's a special kind of "talking" doctor.
Call me Bob.
Well, that's quite a hole you're digging.
Thanks, Bob.
You know, a hole is a great place to hide when people are fighting.
Are there angry people in your house? My dad's always yelling that whitey's keeping him down.
I see.
You keep digging like this, you're gonna go straight through to China.
If it happens, it happens.
Those inscrutable Americans.
What are they up to now? I will stop them.
I am strong.
I am the Great Humungus! We all know you're the Great Humungus! Well, I'm just saying Oh, you're always "just saying.
" MOE: Homer, is this story going anywhere? Yes.
Eventually, I become king of the Morlocks.
But Morlocks are from the future.
You calling me a liar? Wait a minute, Homer.
If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Yeah.
How'd you know the Chinese were spying on you? Well, I just naturally assumed.
That is the stupidest story I ever heard.
And I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series.
I am sick of you drunks and your shaggy dog stories.
Sorry, Shaggy.
(GROWLING) Now I got to go home to that! Thanks a lot! Oh, quit your bellyaching, Coffee Boy.
You're lucky I let you in here.
Geez, Moe.
You've been a real crank lately.
You take that back! Now you see? That's what I'm talking about.
You're always pointing that shotgun at us.
And calling us "dumbasses.
" Which we're so not.
Well, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine.
I serve you drinks, You yak on and on and on, and I never get one stinking tip.
Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in awhile.
What do you call this? (FRIGHTENED SOUNDS) Don't do that.
Who am I kidding? I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick.
Remember that? That was an amazing throw.
How did I lose my passion for the job? When I was in bartending school, I thought I had the world by the jigger.
Hey, where'd that painting come from? I put this up recently, and it's a good thing I did because it really illustrates my point.
Yeah, good old Swigmore U.
Gee, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with What do you call it? Human feeling.
Yeah.
Maybe you should What's the expression? Go back there.
What's the word I'm searching for? Uh Yeah.
A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of getting people loaded.
But who'll run the bar while you're gone? Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me, Lenny! Oh, pick me! I'm an urban Lenny! Look, I don't want to start a tinkling contest here.
Or do I? Woo-hoo! Oh, don't look so proud.
That was wind-assisted.
And if anybody wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell them to go to hell! Can do.
Now don't you worry about a thing.
(GIGGLING WITH JOY) Hey, what are you doing? I got to pay for that! No, Moe.
You've got it all wrong.
People buy beer from you.
Look, I got to go.
(EXPLODING) I thought you said you had to go? (SIGHS) Ah, the old college gates.
Ah, geez.
The old college clock.
Man, when's the last time Moe cleaned this? Hey, Homer, another Duff.
Hey, Homer, do you mind if I bring in some outside food? Well, I don't know.
What would Moe say about that? But on the other hand, Moe's not here.
(HOMER CHUCKLING) Homer, you're the greatest.
(EXCLAIMS) Hey! Lenny! Sorry.
Sorry.
For what? A little splattered food never hurt anybody.
Now everybody shut up and dance! (SINGING) Matty told Hatty About a thing she saw Had two big horns (JUKEBOX SWITCHES TO SLOW MUSIC) (SINGING) As time goes on I realize I realize (JUKEBOX SKIPPING) Hey, what happened to the music? Don't worry.
You got to hit it just right, like Fonzie.
(IMITATES FONZIE) Eh! (SCREAMS) Oh! Whoa! Hemorrhage-amundo! Are you gonna be okay? (IMITATES FONZIE) Eh! Now can anyone tell me how much grenadine is in a Cosmopolitan? (MURMURING) None.
A Cosmopolitan is made with cranberry juice.
(MURMURING) Moe Szyslak, you old glasswipe.
(RINGING) Yello? Yeah.
I'd like to speak to a Mr.
Tabooger.
First name Ollie.
Ooh! Bart! My first prank call.
What do I do? Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
I don't get it.
Yell out, "I'll eat a booger.
" What's the gag? Oh, forget it! Professor, I'm I'm burned out on bartending.
When I first saw the movie Ironweed, I thought, you know, this is for me.
But now, well, I'm not so sure.
Nonsense.
You were born to sling suds.
The problem must lie elsewhere.
Describe your tavern in one word.
Uh Is "crap-hole" one word? Yes, if it's hyphenated.
Then I'll stick with crap-hole.
Well, no wonder you're depressed working in that environment.
If you want my advice, beautify your hole, and you'll beautify your soul.
Nice hole, nice soul.
Hmm.
Look at that pond.
Why does the water sparkle so? I'm dying, Moe.
Is there anything I can do? No.
Unless you have a cure for cancer.
Do you have a cure for cancer? Because that would be great! I'm sorry, Professor.
Goodbye, Moe.
Bye, Professor.
(SIGHS) Hey, don't you want to take your shoes off before you go swimming? Professor? Oh.
Oh.
Um Hmm.
(SINGING) I'm a-walking down the street Gonna open Moe's bar I'm a-singing what I'm thinking Hey, look at that dog Huh? Teen vandals smashing the bar! Moe's gonna kill me! (GASPS) Hey, Homer.
You dirty teen! (GRUNTING) Hey, Homer, stop! Stop! It's me! Sheesh! Moe wrecking Moe's bar? (STUTTERS) I almost fainted, but then I didn't.
What are you doing? My professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal.
And it would look pretty, too.
And now I want you to meet the guy who's gonna help bring Moe's into the 20th century.
I am Formico, the dean of design.
Hi, Formico.
Uh-uh-uh.
My name must never be spoken.
Sorry.
He seems nice.
Not fair.
Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bartender, it's all snatched away.
Freshen your drink, pal? Just leave the bottle.
There you go, doll.
(COUGHS) Ew! Look, buddy.
I don't care where you go, but you can't sleep here.
Wow.
Check out the new Moe's.
HOMER: Wow.
It looks like an alien headquarters.
Couldn't you just see aliens running out of there? Couldn't you? Hey, wait up! Looks like a long wait to get in.
Not for friends of Moe's.
Oi! Oi! Is your name on the list? Don't you know who I am? It's okay, Cecil.
They're VIPs.
Cecil is a girl's name.
Oh! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Welcome to m! So, what do you think of the new joint? This place looks like it's from the not-too-distant future.
Yeah.
You like it, Homer? Um The rabbits are cute.
That one ain't moving.
Change number seven.
I don't get all this eyeball stuff.
What are they supposed to represent? Eyeballs? It's Po-Mo.
Postmodern.
Yeah, all right.
Weird for the sake of weird.
ALL: Oh! Where are the barstools? Up there.
Ain't it trippy? Whatever.
Just give me a Duff.
We don't serve Duff no more.
We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff.
It's made out of soy sauce.
Whatever.
Just give me a Duff.
Hey, Formico.
Say hello to my beloved regulars.
Oh, hello.
Moe, would you like to meet some attractive young models? Models? Oh, boy.
HOMER: Okay, look cool.
Wait a minute.
You're all from Russia? (AGREEING IN RUSSIAN) And you really think I'm attractive, huh? (AGREEING DESPONDENTLY IN RUSSIAN) I don't know.
What's so great about this oxygen bar? Yeah, I think I'm getting the bends.
Lenny, stand on my chest.
I'm trapped.
This is creative design run amok.
That's it! I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his (PANTING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.
And "penis" is Russian for Moe, we want our bar back! Yeah, this place is crazy! All these beautiful people make us feel like losers! You'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot.
Oh, so you're ashamed of us.
Well, you've turned into a big phony! Hey! Nobody calls Moe St.
Cool a phony! All this yelling is taking away my horny.
Is it? Oh, that's it That Dagmar, Julian.
Throw this bum out.
I'll throw myself out, thank you.
I believe I had a hat! Suckers! (LAUGHING) What are you doing, Dad? I think it's pretty obvious.
I'm turning our garage into a tavern! The kind Moe's used to be.
This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe.
It's not about spite.
It's about petty revenge and getting back at that traitor, Moe! Now help me nail up this urinal.
Beautiful.
Running a bar is a full-time job, and you don't even do your full-time job.
But when I'm passionate about something, I see it through to the end! Father, give me legs.
Father! (GROANING) That is so interesting.
So what you talking about? Something interesting? No, I was just comparing Kurosawa's films to Herzog's.
Uh-huh.
Carry on.
My diet lets me eat anything I want for one minute a day.
My youth consultant gives me Botox injections in my head, neck, and navel.
(SIGHS) Hiya, pal.
So how about them current events? Oh, you got one of them cell phones, huh? Yeah.
No cord at all on those.
Hey, game's on! Hey, we were watching that! Come on! Sports! Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now.
I'm glad you ain't around to see what a mess I made.
Oh, but I am.
(GASPS) (EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) You've discarded your loyal regulars for a mob of soulless snobs.
Well, at least the tips are good.
Are they, Moe? Take a look.
Oh! (LAUGHING) Hey, why you mocking me? We're friends.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
ALL: (SINGING) I won't drink at Moe's! Homer's old garage is all I need I won't drink at Moe's! Because Moe's a big jerk and a she-male, too! That calls for another beer.
Barkeep! I thought this was gonna be your bar.
It's a family bar.
Right, kids? Can we go to bed now? As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons.
But you're not even using them.
She's so "sweepy.
" She doesn't know what she's saying.
Aw! Who am I kidding? I ain't Moe St.
Cool.
How could I toss my friends out into the cold with no place to get liquored up.
(DISTANT LAUGHTER) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, what's going on? We're rocking great! Mount St.
Edelite Leonard Bernstein (SINGING) Leonard what's-his-name Herman Munster motorcade Birthday party, Cheetos Pogo sticks and lemonade You symbiotic, stupid jerk That's right, Flanders I'm talking about you LENNY: How did you get R.
E.
M.
to play in your garage? I told them it was a benefit.
They think they're saving the rain forest! (ALL LAUGHING) Suckers! (CHEERING) Yeah, baby! Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires? Come on.
Would a poor person have a bar in his garage? Hey, guys.
Stand around me.
I can't go with Lenny watching.
So, got to pee, huh? Forget it.
What the You can't open your own bar! Seems to me I already did.
But it's illegal! You can't run a bar in a private residence! Bar? I see no bar.
This is a hunting club.
Which is permitted by state law to serve beverages of a refreshing nature.
Hunting club? You lied to us! Michael, no! That's not the R.
E.
M.
way.
You're right.
Let's recycle those shards and get out of here.
(MUTTERING) Here we go.
It also says, "A licensed hunting club must actively "engage in the sport of hunting.
" Which I'll be doing tomorrow morning, smart guy! Hunting? Dad, no! Lemons.
It's not fair, Dad.
Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting? It's the law.
My hands are tied.
Okay.
Cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes.
Come on, turkey! Join your friends! Do you really think the turkey's just gonna climb onto the plate? I would.
Psst.
Lisa.
Moe? Listen.
I don't like you and you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
You don't like me? I like you.
You do? Then I like you, too.
Here.
Have a towelette.
HOMER: Here, turkey-turkey-turkey! Turkey-turkey-turkey- turkey-turkey! Nobody's gonna kill you.
All right.
From now on, no talking.
If you want to signal me, use this bird call.
(IMITATES BIRD) Ow! Ow! Not the face! Ooh! Ooh! Okay, the face! Oh, that actually feels good after the crotch.
HOMER: All right, turkey, where are you? Turkeys, the only animal smarter than man.
What the hell is that? A turkey! Dad's gonna slaughter that poor turkey! Not if I scare it away with this cougar call.
(IMITATES COUGAR GROWLING) You did it, Moe! A cougar! Die, cougar! (MOE GROANS) MOE: My leg! Oh, geez! Got that cat right in the leg.
Dad, you shot Moe! Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint! (SCREAMS) Son of a LISA: How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? MOE: It's a snap when you use certified contractors.
BART: Like the ones found in your local yellow pages? MOE: Exactly.
I'm sorry I shot you, Moe.
Aw, that's okay.
It's like my dad always said, "Eventually everybody gets shot.
" Oh, I'm glad you two are friends again so we can all have Thanksgiving dinner together in this bar.
Hey, who invited the hippies? I did.
You owe R.
E.
M.
an apology for eco-fraud.
All right, I'm sorry.
But I will not save the rain forest! Good enough.
Let's eat.
And we should all be thankful to Michael, Peter, and Mike for supplying this beautiful turkey made entirely of tofu.
Tofu and gluten.
I'm thankful I ate before I came.
Oh, come on, Bart.
Smell those curds.
Mmm! Curds.
And I'm thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, these alternative rockers, and my favorite bartender.
Here you go, pal.
And here you go! (DINGING)