The Simpsons s13e04 Episode Script

Hunka Hunka Burns in Love

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) I love Chinatown, although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.
(PEOPLE GRUNTING) (GASPS) Ooh, it must be Chinese New Year.
(SIREN WAILS) (ROARING) People buy them when they're small and cute.
Then they flush them down the toilet.
(GONG SOUNDING) Uh, yeah.
I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce.
Bart! Excellent choice, sir.
How is the Feast of Twelve Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce? Very disappointing.
Then I'll have the sweet and sour rice.
Oh, very good.
Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses? Neither, thank you.
Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an animal? No! Fortune cookies! And now to read my fortune.
"Geese can be troublesome.
" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh.
Fortune means geese cause problems.
Well, I knew that before I came in here.
A guy outside told me that.
"Every house has a bathroom.
" Oh, these fortunes are terrible.
Is there a problem? These fortunes are terrible.
They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.
Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortune? Easy.
Well? "You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
" That's not bad.
Come with me.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) It's terrible! What am I doing here? I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks! Then I'd be making a difference.
They ruined my best fortune.
I wrote, "Let a frown be your umbrella.
" They change it to "smile.
" A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile! This gentleman here can write better fortunes than all of you put together.
Show them.
Okay, let's see "The price of stamps will climb ever higher.
" (ALL EXCLAIMING) Very profound.
(EXCLAIMS) He's like a young me! Please! Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy! You're hired.
Let's see.
"You will invent a humorous toilet lid.
" "You will find true love on Flag Day.
" "Your store is being robbed, Apu.
" Are you getting all this, Lisa? I don't know.
"You are a real winner.
" That fortune really nailed me, and my winning ways.
(GIGGLES) "You will take a short sea voyage.
" Yarr! I'll enjoy that.
$14 and 10, 11, 12 cents.
There you go.
You know, sir, tipping is customary.
Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny! General Gao, you're a bloodthirsty fool, but your chicken is delectable.
This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.
(CRACKING SOUND) Nice job, sir.
That was my thumb.
There seems to be some sort of communiqué! It's your fortune, sir.
Capital! "You will find true love on Flag Day.
" Why, it's Flag Day today.
True love at last! Well, it's just you and me here, sir.
No time for jokes, Smithers.
Come along.
We're going womanizing.
Oh, goody.
So I foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Monty.
It's such a delight to talk to you.
I've gone five minutes without saying, "Well, I never!" Excellent.
Let me fetch you another Thomas Collins.
(WHISTLE TOOTING) Damn that Pennybags! Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Perhaps there're some girls in here.
Great heavens! It's one of those nude female fire stations! I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree.
Let's go, Smithers.
Smithers? (GROANING) That fortune promised me true love.
(SIGHS) This has been the worst Flag Day ever.
(GASPS) That constable is ticketing my car! I told you we should've parked next to the curb.
Now, see here, Flatfoot! (GASPS) My goodness.
You're beautiful.
Oh, thanks, but I still gotta give you the ticket.
Of course you do.
You can lift my wiper any day.
(CHUCKLING) Is it still Flag Day? For 12 more seconds, sir.
Miss, would you submit to a wooing by a gentleman caller? Oh, I'm sorry, but you're really not my (WHIMPERING) Well, okay.
O frabjous day! She said yes! (HUMMING HAPPILY) He'll pick you up at 7:00.
Wear a petticoat.
Petticoat? Here's a place that rents them.
It's about time Mr.
Burns found a woman.
I can't stand to see a man single.
Some people enjoy being alone, Mom.
No.
Everyone should be paired up.
It wasn't meant to be.
I've gotta be honest, Monty.
I've never dated anyone who knew Calvin Coolidge.
Well, I've never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You're a nice guy, Monty.
You're always laughing and tenting your fingers.
I like that.
Excellent.
And you're so upbeat.
You think everything's excellent.
I really feel safe with you.
It's like going out with my brother.
MR.
BURNS: Yes! It's going great! So, what are you into? "Into"? Yeah.
Like, what's a fun day for 104-year-old? Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends like piloting motor coaches and collecting dog waste.
So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or if you'd rather stay home, you could sing while I accompany you on the clavichord.
Actually, Monty, I I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War.
Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other.
The age difference is just too Balderdash! It's not important how old you are on parchment.
It's how old you feel in the humors.
I'm sorry, Monty Stop that dog! It has my gum! Look.
There's one of my young chums now.
You there! Yes, Mr.
Burns? Tell my young sweetheart here of our youthful exploits.
Uh Play along, chubsy.
There's a pie in it for you.
Oh! Yeah.
Monty's a wild man! Yeah! Whoa! He ran his own casino, stole the Loch Ness monster, got shot by a baby, and blotted out the sun! Wow.
That was you? So, shall I pick you up at 8:00? Well Come on.
He's a total player.
Okay.
Stop kicking my door.
Well done, young man.
Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process, because these days, you Where did you get that pie? Windowsill.
(SCREAMING) New underpants? Homer, what are you up to? Burns wants me to come along on his date to show him where hip young people go.
Well, don't look too hip.
You don't want that girl falling for you.
You're right! These would stop Joan Collins herself! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (PANTING) Drat! I wish that song were longer.
I've got to admit, you can really shake it.
Yes.
That's totally voluntary.
So, you guys come here all the time? Constantly.
When we're not being kicked out for our rowdy youthful behavior, eh, pally? Yep.
No one's rowdier or more youthful than Old Man Burns! You mean Young Man Burns.
(WHISPERS) Put my hand on her knee.
Yes, Mr.
Burns.
I said her.
And I said knee.
Oh! Sorry.
I'm going to make such love to you that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.
Turn left here.
No problem.
Mmm.
(EXHALES) All right, you're dismissed.
I'll take it from here.
But Mr.
Burns, you're exhausted.
Yes.
But I have a little secret.
I've obtained a rare powerful aphrodisiac.
It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the 16th century.
See you tomorrow night, Simpson! Huh? (CHUCKLES) (SHOUTING) (BOTH MOANING) Homie, that was amazing! (GASPS) I hope the kids didn't hear us.
Wow.
(HUMMING) Burns looks happy today.
Watch me take advantage of his good mood.
Mr.
Burns? Can I have a raise? Clean out your desk.
You're gone.
Well, I had a good run.
(SINGING) If I counted all of the things I've got You might really think I had a lot But I won't be satisfied if I don't have you Living in a castle like a king Wouldn't be much fun without my queen (ELECTRICITY SURGING) And I'd probably throw it all away if I don't have you (WHOOPING) Once again, my dear, you've beaten two strapping young bucks! Excellent.
Did you hear that? That "excellent" was excellent.
Can I have some ice cream? I finished my pizza.
In time, in time.
I need to speak with you in private.
Back in a moment, my dear.
We have to Expel some urine! You're going to ask her to marry you? Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love! Are you sure you want to do this so fast? Yes.
My biological clock is ticking.
I could be dead again soon.
Wait, my dear.
I think you'll find that red ball more "engaging.
" Hmm? (GASPS) (GASPS) Monty, it's beautiful.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Gloria, say you'll marry me.
Oh, Montgomery.
Of course I'll marry you.
Spectacular! Now we must celebrate.
I'll get some Champagne-iola! This is the happiest day of my life.
Nothing could spoil it.
Absolutely nothing.
(HUMMING) Okay, gun.
Check.
Dollar-sign bag, check.
Power bar, check.
All right! Let's rob this Bowling alley? Okay, whatever.
All right! Totally Gloria? Snake? I thought you were in prison.
I was.
I told the guard that I was going out for a pack of cigarettes.
Then I totally stabbed him.
(CHUCKLES) You're looking good, baby.
Why did we ever break up? You pushed me out of a moving car.
The cops were chasing us.
I needed to lighten the load.
And, um, protect you.
Ha, ha.
Come on, baby.
We can talk more at my hideout.
No! I'm engaged now! (GASPS) My ring! Let go of her, or I'll scream! (SCREAMING) Callooh! Callay! We're in luck! They had a magnum at the shoe counter.
Now for Gloria? Her ring.
Well, she's run off! With Simpson.
Well, this is my house.
Uh-uh.
Jeez, I just wanted to escape.
Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage.
He's not my boyfriend.
Mr.
Burns is.
Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom.
You're dating that old trilobite? Gross! We're in love, Snake.
Don't say that, baby.
I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night.
Pistol-whip? Ooh.
Mmm.
Pistol Whip.
Local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious and won't bother us if we don't bother them.
On a serious note, two local residents have been missing for the last 20 minutes.
We take you now live to Barney's Bowlarama and the last man who saw them, C.
Montgomery Burns.
I don't understand.
She was my young sexy fiancée.
He was my sexually-virile best friend, and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.
How could this ever have happened? Well, according to our audience insta-poll, and 37% say she's a skank.
Almost there.
Wow.
Who do you have to kill to get a place like this? I think his name was Gustafson.
Ow! (SCOFFS) Let me guess.
Now you're gonna start working him over with the brass knuckles.
You are so predictable.
You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
Shut up.
D'oh! Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me.
It used to.
What if I beat him harder? Wow, you so don't get it.
Has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion? Don't worry, Mr.
Burns.
We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's anti-theft system.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Car gone! Car gone! Yeah, we know that.
Where has it gone to? (SHOUTING) Car gone! Car gone! Car gone! Chief? This yokel says he saw Simpson driving down near Hickton.
Uh-huh.
My peepers don't lie.
That's nice work, Lou.
Lock him up.
Huh? Hey! Hey, I want that lawyer what wears the cowboy hat.
Release the girl, Simpson! I think I can take him out, Chief.
That's a sweet shot.
He's tied to a chair.
That means Dad's not a kidnapper, he's a hostage! Get off my lawn, coppers, or I'll totally turn the sprinklers on! Come on, Snake.
You don't want to soak all these people.
We're in minute two of this standoff.
What's the situation, Chief? Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent, so unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking (GUNSHOT) Ow, ow, ow, ow! Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it? I swear I can change, Gloria.
I'm taking classes in computer fraud.
That's what you said about the telemarketing scams.
But you didn't stick with it.
I don't like bothering people at home.
Good fire.
Good fire.
Keep burning.
Almost there.
Just a little more.
Wait! (SCREAMING) (GASPS) But Gloria is still inside! Save her! It's too dangerous! But I got a sister you might like.
She's completely hairless, like those cats.
I don't care if she's Miss Hairless America! I'm spoken for.
Now step aside.
I'll save Gloria myself.
You? No offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
Perhaps.
But this monkey skeleton is in love! (GRUNTING) (SIGHING) Oh.
Who am I kidding? I'm just a feeble old man.
(GROANS) Gloria! He did it! He saved her! Well, the important thing is they're both safe.
I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!" Wow, Mr.
Burns.
How did you do that? Never forget, Homer.
There's no muscle stronger than the human heart.
What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his.
Yes.
Monty, you saved me! And to think I was once in love with that dirty lowlife with his arrogant smirk, gutter mouth, tough-guy attitude, macho tattoos, hair that can't be tamed, (INHALES) prison-sculpted body Uh-oh.
I'm sorry, Monty.
Oh, Snake! Don't ever change.
Yeah, but But you I don't get it, Simpson.
I'm a "bad boy.
" Oh, I know.
I'm absolutely evil.
You're preaching to the choir, man.
What do I have to do? Grow a devil beard? Devil beard? You know, the little goatee thing.
HOMER: You mean a Vandyke? MR.
BURNS: No, a Vandyke has a moustache, doesn't it? LISA: I think it can.
BART: Are you talking about a soul patch? MR.
BURNS: No! Wait.
Maybe.
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