The Simpsons s13e06 Episode Script

She of Little Faith

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Planet from Outer Space.
Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray.
(CHOKING) Space air is flooding in.
Right.
Goggles on! (BREATHING HEAVILY) (BREATHING HEAVILY) Good Lord! We're on a collision course with a monster from space! (BARKING) That's just a dog in a spacesuit! From the looks of it, a male dog.
ANNOUNCER: We'll return to our film after these very loud messages.
Hi.
I'm Colonel Chet Manners, five-time space shuttle alternate.
Loser.
Do you want to boldly go where people like me, but not me, have gone before? Then get the Orbit King, with yaw control like you've never seen.
Hey, Lise, is Dad's credit card number You know it is.
(SINGING) When you have a rib-eye steak You must floss it Oh, that meatloaf tasted great You must floss it Now floss it, floss it good Hey, Dad, will you help me build this model rocket? Just a second, Son.
I gotta put on my contacts.
I didn't know your dad was so interested in science.
Science? He didn't say "science.
" He said "pie pants.
" Mmm.
Pie pants.
This is launch master Homer counting down, five, four, three My eyebrows! My beautiful eyebrows! Over here, guvnor.
The word "unblowupable" is thrown around a lot these days, but I think I can say with confidence Okay, that shows you what could potentially happen.
What was that? Greetings from Neddedy Space Center on Cape Flandaveral.
We noticed your "sky-rotechnics" and thought we'd join in.
Ooh, looks like a perfect landing.
Wow! Did you see that yaw control? I have eyes, don't I? (HAMMERING) (DRILLING) I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out.
And could you stop calling us "nerds"? "Dweeb," "wonk," "spaz.
" It's all good.
Who wants some astro-lemonade? What precisely makes it astro? Look, I don't want to start a whole thing with this.
Okay, the rocket's ready to go.
(ALL CHUCKLING EXCITEDLY) Super.
Now if you'll gather round, I'd like to say a few words.
All nerds clear the launch area! Let's wait in the car.
Now, all we need is our astronaut.
Bart, where's America's newest hero? He's saying goodbye to his wife.
He's leaving her with five babies.
She already ate three.
That's sensible.
Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God! Five, four, three, two, one, countdown! (GASPS) Wow! That's it.
I'm off the hooch.
Hey, wine! Dad, the rocket's off course! Okay, Nibbles.
You can guide her down.
"Step one, right in front of you is a blue handle.
"Pull for a controlled burn of 2.
4 seconds.
" Now it's heading for the church! Don't worry.
I planned for this.
This is the worst thing you've ever done! You say that so much, it's lost all meaning.
I have convened the church council to see what we should do now.
Fixing this church should be our top priority.
And I say that as a teenager, and the parent of a teenager.
Fixing all that damage is gonna be very expensive.
Yes, barring some sort of miracle All right! We'll help ourselves, yet again.
People, we need some fundraising ideas.
Let's just write to David Bowie again.
No, he's done enough for this church.
Anyone else? I've got the answer.
Just let me run this church like a business.
It's kind of you to offer, Mr.
Burns, but the buzz around town is that you're, well, evil.
That's just a skip-rope rhyme.
Believe me, the Lord's gonna go for this in a big way.
Now, who's with me? I guess we have no choice.
Excellent.
(GROANS) You'll get yours.
This is Lindsay Naegle.
And don't let the skirt fool you.
She'll have this place making money in no time.
Isn't that skirt a little north of the knee? You're telling me.
I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams.
Step one, let's sell some ad space.
Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe? Conflicted.
Too bad! You've already signed the deal! Actually, he hasn't.
Well, we highly value your input, until you sign the deal.
Let me handle this, Monty.
Good idea.
I'll be hiding behind that tree.
What are they doing to the church? We're re-branding it.
The old church was skewing pious.
We prefer a faith-based emporium, teeming with impulse-buy items.
I feel like I want to throw up.
Then my work is done.
Why does Jesus have a lasso? Because he's all man.
(ALL GASPING) Money changed.
Get your money changed, right here in the temple! That could not be more blasphemous.
Where's Bart? Do a nice one for Grandma.
Fine.
These new pews are so comfy.
I am not going to be taken in by all of this.
Lisa, don't sulk.
You're on the JumboTron.
(PEOPLE CHEERING) Adorable.
And Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners, especially Mrs.
Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery.
And now, let us rise and Um Um He's not gonna say it.
Trust me.
He'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night vespers.
and thank Crazy Larry whose big-screen TV prices are insane! And now, to deliver a special sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness, the Noid.
That's it! Quiet, Lisa.
Everyone in the store is looking at you.
They should take a good look at themselves and what their church has become! (ALL GASPING) Lisa, it's still the same basic message.
We've just dressed it up a little.
Like the Whore of Babylon? That is a false analogy.
(PEOPLE MURMURING) No, it's not.
It's apt.
Apt! (ALL GASPING) Don't you see what Mr.
Burns has done to this church? He restored it from nave to narthex! He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers.
He put ice in the urinals.
Those are all wonderful things, but they've cost the church its soul.
And I, for one, will not be a part of it! Do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in? No! I'm leaving this church forever! Oh, no! I don't know how to feel.
You should be very upset.
Got it.
(WAILING) HOMER: How is that? MARGE: A little much.
(HOMER WAILING SOFTLY) Lord, I'm not turning my back on you.
I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption.
(MARGE IMPERSONATING GOD) Why do you have to be so different? Always making a big deal out of everything? Mom, I know it's you.
I can't believe you're eavesdropping on my prayers.
Honey, I'm worried about your soul.
I want at least one person from this family to go to heaven.
I still believe in God.
I just think there's another path to him or her.
Her? She's just kidding, Mr.
Lord.
Still looking for a new faith? Yeah.
Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart? No.
How about Methodist? No! Look, I'm not just gonna pick a religion that seems cool.
I'm gonna pick one that's right for me.
How about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching! I'm going out for a walk.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (GASPS) Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhists? Yeah.
If I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys all the time.
Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
Richard Gere? The world's most famous Buddhist.
What about the Dalai Lama? Who? You know, the 14th reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokiteshvara.
Who's Buddha? It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.
Mr.
Gere, I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace.
Or is that just a pipe dream? We all have dreams.
Mine is of a free Tibet.
That would be so great.
I dream about meatball sandwiches, all-you-can-eat for two bucks.
Good luck.
This pamphlet contains the teachings of the Buddha.
"All things are impermanent, and are empty of inherent existence.
" Hey, Richard, in An Officer and a Gentleman, did you really do all those sit-ups? I wish.
I did one, and they just showed it 1,000 times.
"Nirvana is achieved through right views and right speech.
"Positive actions lead to happiness "and negative actions lead to unhappiness.
"No creator gods, just the pursuit of enlightenment.
" I'm a Buddhist! LISA: (SHOUTING) Hey, I'm a Buddhist! My Satan-sense is tingling.
Into the root cellar, boys! When can we come out? Maybe never.
Yay! Yay! So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe.
So, butter your bacon! Yes, Father.
Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over.
Hold that thought.
Bacon up that sausage, boy.
But, Dad, my heart hurts.
(GROANS) I'm a Buddhist.
What? (GASPING) That's it.
No more chat rooms for you! You know, Lisa, around here, Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches.
A Buddhist wouldn't want any.
Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
Who cares? I'll tell you someone who cares.
He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
His name's Gunnar, and he's dating my mom.
Sometimes, he buys us beer.
I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
Hey, she came on to me! Get him! Hey, Lisa.
What are you doing? I'm planting my own Bodhi Tree.
If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace.
Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you? No! Good! I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you is not worth your time.
(CHANTING) You're gonna get a bath tonight! So, the good news is church revenues are up 1,073%.
And when will the church see any of this money? When hell freezes over, suckers! (MR.
BURNS LAUGHING) Whatever.
Just take it.
Well, next on our agenda, Marge Simpson's devil daughter.
She's not a devil.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, Christmas is coming, huh? Yeah.
And Santa doesn't leave presents under the Bodhi Tree.
You think we can bribe her back with Christmas? Marge, you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy-Bake Ovens than with this Time to begin Operation X-Mas Remind of How Good Is.
Just do it! Do it! Do it now! I think this tree could use an angel.
Well, at least it's tasteful.
(BARKING JINGLE BELLS) I was just making Christmas cookies.
But since you don't believe in Christmas anymore, I guess you don't want any.
Well, they do smell good.
It's a pity.
All right! Trash cookies! (GROANS) Uh-oh.
I think I ate a dog food lid.
Here she comes! And a-one, and a-two, and a We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish We wish Hello, Lisa.
I just came down for a glass of water.
Well, you do have a present under the tree.
I guess no one told Santa you were a Buddhist.
Well, Santa can take it back because I'm not ruled by material (GASPING) Is that a pony? I don't know what Santa left you.
I just know his name is Clip-Clop and he loves sugar.
Lisa, we love you, and we're not trying to put any pressure on you.
Aw.
Lick it.
Lick it.
No! Oh, no! Our daughter's run away on Christmas Eve! More sugar, please.
Bag's in the kitchen.
All right! My family tried to trick me into celebrating Christmas.
You know, we are meditating.
(BUZZING) Oh.
Sorry.
That's all right.
I was only about to achieve enlightenment.
But who'd want that? Who likes short-shorts? I like short-shorts.
Those guys are way off.
Anyway, your family didn't have to trick you.
Buddhists respect the diversity of other religions as long as they're based on love and compassion.
(EXCLAIMS) It's true.
So, why don't you go home? I'm sure your family really misses you.
I can really celebrate Christmas? You can celebrate any holiday.
And, you know, my birthday is August 31.
Oh.
I'll send you an e-mail greeting card.
Sweet.
Now I really should be getting back to my family.
Yeah.
I'm spending tonight with my step-daughter, Hannah.
I do her hair, then she does mine.
We're gonna go spend Christmas with Moe, you know, so he don't have one of his Christmas "accidents.
" Hey, he can't do much without this.
I did it! I found our dog! Now our Christmas is complete! We were looking for Lisa! I thought we were caroling.
We better call the police.
Lisa? You came back! (YAWNING) Yeah.
I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.
So, you're back on the winning team? No, I'm still Buddhist.
But I can worship with my family, too.
So, you're just going to pay lip service to our church? Uh-huh.
That's all I ever asked.
Well, I'm just glad you're back.
And don't worry, honey.
I'll pray double hard for both of us.
Now let's get you some Christmas cookies.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, where's my pony? Yes! Merry Christmas to us all! I'm serious.
Make with the pony.
And a happy and healthy New Year! Here, Clip-Clop! Here, pony-pony! Happy, happy New Year!