The Simpsons s13e07 Episode Script

Brawl in the Family

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Let's get started.
First I'd like to announce that thanks to the magic of Disney Animatronics, Strom Thurmond will live another (RECORDING) Twenty more terms! Moving on to new business, what act of unmitigated evil shall the Republican Party undertake this week? Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
You've already done enough, Nader.
Let's get rid of PBS! Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long! (SCOFFS) I say we crack down on the hippies.
Bla.
What about this dang environment? Back in Texas, we got rid of it, and it made everyone a lot happier.
ALL: He was so happy Excellent.
We shall destroy the environment by scrapping every anti-pollution law.
Now Bob Dole will read from the Necronomicon.
(SPEAKING IN LATIN) In addition, the administration has declared recycling a felony.
And Smokey the Bear is now Choppy the Lumberjack.
These trees are our national heritage! (ROARING) (LAUGHING) A grizzly bear with a chainsaw.
Now there's a killing machine! (HOOTING) Stop endangering yourself.
Stop endangering yourself.
Eyes stinging! Good Lord! Acid rain! (SINGING) I'm singing in the rain Just singing in the rain What a glorious feeling (SCREAMING) It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! (SCREAMING) We'd better stay inside, at least until the squirrels stop melting.
No problem.
There's plenty of activities inside.
Now let's see how our blind dates liked each other.
Oh, I really felt there was a connection, and I would definitely go out with her again.
He smelled like puke! The TV! (EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) (SCREAMING) Stop screaming, Homer.
Quit trying to control me.
We don't need TV to have family fun.
Why don't we play Monopoly? Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly.
(READING) Let's stick to original Monopoly.
The game is crazy enough as it is.
How can an iron be a landlord? Pennsylvania Avenue.
I want to buy a house.
Hey, where'd they go? New shooter! (CHUCKLES) That's it, baby.
Welcome to Marvin Gardens.
(CHUCKLES) We'll see about that.
One, two, three D'oh! You're a little light here, Dad.
I'm good for the rest.
You know I am.
Well, I'd like to trust you, Homer.
But you've been in jail three times.
They told me it would be like this on the outside.
These hotels are made of Legos.
Bart, you're cheating! Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Oh, sure.
You take his side just because he bought you that house on St.
James Place.
Who else is gonna take care of her? Dad? Why you little Stop fighting! Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
I've been prying them apart since before you were born! (CHOKING) Okay.
Everyone turn to the left.
Hey! Oh, come on, people.
The Prison Nutcracker Suite is one week away.
And I don't see five Sugar Plums.
I see five guys who don't know their moves and don't seem to care! There, I said it! (PHONE RINGING) That better be Wardrobe.
And it better be good news.
Hello? (BART CHOKING) It sounds like a domestic disturbance.
All right.
We'll be right back.
And don't try anything, because Johanssen there is a snitch.
(GROANING) Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief.
How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night? We better send in the Negotia-bot.
I am Brenda.
I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner.
Destroy! Destroy! Hey, this is taffy! Police brutality! And chew-tality! Nice work, Brenda.
I'll take it from here.
No way.
This is my collar.
(SCOFFS) Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? (GIGGLING) You got that right.
Quiet, you! That counts as your phone call.
Thanks a lot, everybody.
Now, I'll never get into an Ivy League school.
You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.
Take it back! Take it back! Stanford.
This family has hit rock bottom.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) Hello.
I'm Gabriel.
(GASPS) A heavenly choir.
You must be an angel! (LAUGHS) No.
That's my pager.
(MUSIC STOPS) I'm a social worker.
I'm here to help you stop fighting and become a family again.
No.
You are an angel.
Like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife, or Will Smith in Bagger Vance, or Slimer in Ghostbusters.
Sir, we know you're not an angel.
My husband sees too many movies.
Don't blame me.
Blame Tinseltown in its second golden age, may it never end.
In a difficult case like this, I like to observe each family member individually.
Well, my room is my sanctuary.
My family knows that and respects that.
I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters! Just 10 more years.
Just 10 more years.
Just 10 more years.
Attention, everyone.
This is Gabriel, my personal social worker.
He has to be here.
I'm just that nuts.
(KIDS EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE) How come you get a social worker? I'm the one with stigmata.
Thank you, Marge.
You sure do love cooking.
Food keeps my family happy.
So, I make a few practice dinners before showtime.
Because at 6:00, we go live! Ah! Okay, Gabriel, this is a bar.
It's where I go to drink alcohol, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Homer, I am not an angel! (SNORTS) Well, not with that temper.
Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us.
Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy.
How I loathe him! (GLASS SHATTERING) HOMER: Oh! Okay.
Why are we in the woods? Is this heaven? No.
I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns.
Marge, you medicate your family with food.
Bart, you'll do anything for attention.
Cut that out! They chose me.
Homer, your problem is quite simple.
You're a drunken, childish buffoon.
Which is society's fault because It's your fault, Homer.
But I've got an exercise that will help all of you break out of the roles you're stuck in.
Who feels like lunch? Me! Me! Right here! Me, too! Good.
I hung it on the top of that tree.
But how are we supposed to get it? You'll just have to cooperate.
Cooperate? Well, this is one family that doesn't swing that way! Are you sure? I made roast beef sandwiches, one falafel Thank you.
and plenty of beer.
Give me that beer! (EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) Gabriel, are you okay? Yes.
But I'm afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors.
(GROWLING) We've got to do something! But what? Okay, family huddle.
Here's how it's gonna go down.
As a family, we drive away.
We cover for each other as a family.
That's what Gabriel would've wanted.
Look.
We can't fall into old patterns.
We've got to think of a plan.
Okay.
But talk like this.
Fine.
I'll talk like this.
What? Look, Gabriel! We're learning to work together! That's great.
But so are the wolves and cougars! (SNARLING) (STOPS SNARLING) (CONTINUES SNARLING) Dad's on the log.
Now, Mom, you get the car and pull them to safety! (GROANS) My driving ankle.
Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive a car? Okay.
But it's my first time.
Here's the keys.
I got a set.
Now, Bart! (WOLF ROARING) Give them the food! Oh, no! The roast beef is making them stronger! And the falafel is making them angrier! (HOMER EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) Give them the beer! It will impair their motor skills! No! I will never Oh, wait.
It's Blatz.
Hey, they're all right.
ALL: (SINGING) We are family Our bitter fights are now history ALL: We are family Wolves and cougars ate our roast beef Well, I think you all did great.
You broke out of your normal roles to accomplish something as a family.
I really earned my wings.
I knew it! No.
I mean this CD.
(READING) (SINGING) Band on the run You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together, but our bond has never been stronger.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Our family is as functional as all get out.
Could this be the end of our series of events? (TIRES SCREECHING) Can I help you? Yeah.
I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
Oh, it's the woman I married in Vegas! (ALL GASPING) Homer, you're a bad man, and your seed should be wiped from the earth.
No offense, children.
Homer and Ned, you may now kiss your brides.
Give it to me, baby.
Homer! It's okay! We're married! (GASPS) You and Ned married a couple of floozies? Marge, I'm sorry! But it wasn't my fault.
Liquors drunkened me! If I had known there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would never have let you go! Look, I did marry her! But I abandoned her! Amber, tell her how I abandoned you! This is the worst thing you've ever done! (DOOR SLAMS) Well, Ginger, it sure is neat that you managed to hunt me down.
Where's the bed? Oh Lord, I know my new wife is a little more peppermint than you're used to.
But I know you'd want me to honor my sacred vows.
So, I will.
Hey, stud.
Where do you keep your Wet Ones? I need a shower.
Oh, we've got a real shower upstairs.
Upstairs? I hit the jackpot! So, sitting on the bed, eh? Get out, Homer.
Look, I married her.
But that is as far as we went.
We never ever made whoopee, or even mouth whoopee! Homer, I don't know if I can ever forgive you.
Please go away.
Fair enough.
But I'm gonna come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife.
An annulment from his secret wife.
Mr.
Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon Hold 'Em," is perfectly legal.
Both marriages stand.
But I only love Marge! I hereby order you to take care of both of your wives! Bailiff, ring him! (SIGHS) You can't kick me out.
It'll cause a miscount in the census! A miscount! (MARGE EXCLAIMS ANGRILY) Of all things to ever come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst! Please, just leave me alone.
Now, now.
Mama's gonna make you a snack.
(GASPS) Ooh! Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Don't stop.
Oh, yeah Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Oh, you do that like a pro! Oh, no.
She's making him a sandwich! HOMER: Use both hands! (SNORING) (SINGING) Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory! Me and the boys made you breakfast in bed.
It's the best darn-diddily way to start your first Flanders day.
Think you can Irish up this coffee for me? Oops.
Watch the swears, honey bear.
We don't use the "I" word in this house.
Where's my cigarettes? We flushed your sin sticks down to hell.
Smokers are jokers.
Smokers are jokers! Smokers are jokers! I think I'm gonna throw up.
Who wants to hold Mommy's hair? Me! Me! I do! Hey, Vegas Mom, how long are you gonna stay here? I'm not going anywhere.
I already unpacked my delicates.
Doesn't it bother you that you're breaking up our family? You know, I bet you and me could be friends.
I could show you how to put on makeup.
I'm eight years old.
You could look seven.
And I could teach you to count cards.
Nah.
I already got a system.
LENNY: Jeez, Homer.
I thought someone with two wives would be happy.
No.
You're thinking of someone with two knives.
I gotta tell you, this is pretty terrific.
(LAUGHS) Yeah! (SNORING) (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) (GRUNTING) Can't panic.
Must remain calm.
(WHISTLING) (YAWNING) Ah! The sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.
Homer? Marge, you're speaking to me? Why don't you come inside and we'll talk? Talk about what? Sports? Bigamy? Bigamy! Not a sports fan, huh? You insensitive jerk! Maybe this family would be better off without you! You know, there are only so many times I can say I'm sorry and still mean it! Why don't you just take Britney Beers and get out of here? I would, if it wasn't for the kids! Hey, the heart wants what it wants, dude.
We had a good run.
Well, that's the last we'll see of them.
Come on.
We're going to Moe's.
My lady's glass is empty, Moe.
Bring her another Cookies and Cream martini.
No, honey.
This time make it a Sex on the Beach.
And hold the Beach! Hey, Homer.
Your new wife is great.
Her lips look like night crawlers! You know, she can put that mole anywhere on her face.
Wow.
To Amber, who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life.
Oh, my head! Aspirin.
RU-486.
Morning, love muffin.
Who are you? I'm your new husband.
And that was a wedding night I'll never forget! Oh, no.
We didn't.
Well, we almost didn't.
But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
You want to give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office? No! Oh, thank God! (SNORING) We're married? But how? Do you, Amber, take Abraham as your lawful wedded husband, renouncing all others? Oh, sure.
He paid for the hour.
(GASPS) Whoo-hoo! You crapped out, Vegas Mom! Our plan worked perfectly.
And we carried it out as a family.
What plan? You got me drunk.
Yeah.
But this time you woke up with more than a hangover! You're married to me! Me! I can't take it! You're too goody-goody! That's not you talking.
That's the honey-mustard dressing! Come on, Ginger.
Let's go back to Vegas.
Yeah.
I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in.
(TIRES SCREECHING) I'm so proud of us.
When we stick together, we can do anything.
Oh! I lost another wife! I'm so sorry, Grampa.
Well, it hurts now.
But the senility will take care of that.
There she goes.
You know, I have a son about your age.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, I love that.
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