The Simpsons s13e09 Episode Script

Jaws Wired Shut

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Ah, there's nothing better than relaxing with my favorite magazine.
(GASPS) Oh, they're showing the filling now.
Can they do that? (LOUD DANCE MUSIC STARTS) What the hell is that? Rainbows.
Tank tops.
This is the gay pride parade! Woo-hoo! BOTH: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it! You do this every year! We are used to it! Spoil sport! (UNEASILY) Uh Oh, honey.
Think pink! Look, a salute to safe sex.
We're glad.
PATTY: But don't tell Mom and Dad.
Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together? Cool! It's Lesbians of the Caribbean! (SINGING) Yo, ho, ho It's an alternative lifestyle for me Oh, a salute to brunch! Wave to brunch, Maggie.
Oh, look at those abs.
Everyone here has a six-pack and I'm the only one with a keg.
Oh, God! Cover up! (SLINKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (WHINES) That's it! We're out of here! Four tickets for Shenani-Goats! Why is this movie PG-13? "It may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, "and scenes with Garry Shandling.
" (BOTH SHUDDERING) These are so easy.
It's obviously Tom Hanks.
Who? Otm Shank.
He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy.
Otm Shank.
(ALL LAUGHING) (GROANING) Come on! Show the movie! (HOMER MOANS) NARRATOR: Justin's soccer team was in last place (GRUNTS) You suck! No wonder your parents are getting divorced! NARRATOR:until they dug up a new player.
Ed O'Neill is Soccer Mummy.
(I GOT YOU (I FEEL GOOD) PLAYING) I feel good Go, Soccer Mummy! You taught me to believe in myself! I feel good (LAUGHING) (MOANS) Uh-oh! The professor said not to let him get a boner! (BANDAGES RIPPING) I'm laughing! But it's a laugh of impatience! Show the movie! (MOANS) So many previews.
So many previews.
So many previews.
ANNOUNCER: And now, our feature presentation.
(GASPS) MAN: If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love Movie Call! (SCREAMING) Start the movie! ALL: Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the movie! Start the They're out of control! Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers.
Stop the madness! Start the movie! Maybe we should try to calm Dad down.
I prefer to egg him on.
Hey, Dad, has the movie started yet? (ROARING) Homer, you're going to get in trouble.
I'm not scared of those ushers.
What are they gonna do? Advance on me? This ends here! And so, for helping to KO litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum! Litter is my most treacherous foe.
I would like to eat its children.
So long, suckers! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) My mouth.
My beautiful mouth! Excellent bout.
Now we go party.
(WAILING) Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.
Broken jaw! (MOANS) (CHUCKLING) He won't be able to talk for quite some time.
I've wired his jaw shut.
It's all explained in this pamphlet.
Oh, dear! You can't eat solid foods! Those are his favorites! (MUFFLED) I can't eat solid food! Stop it, Homer! Oh, don't worry.
On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.
(MOANING) Hey, Dad, I'm gonna make a human yo-yo.
If you object, clearly say no.
(MUFFLED) No! No objections, eh? That's great.
(GRUMBLING ANGRILY) Milhouse, you ready to imitate that Jackass show? All those disclaimers made me want to do it more! (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Oh, yeah! Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff? Hey, it's Duffman! Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman can never die! Only the actors who play him! Oh, yeah! You must be here for the Duff Trivia Challenge.
That's right, local distributor.
One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff! Okay, chug monkeys, "What beverage brewed since ancient times "is made from hops and grains?" How about ancient hop grain juice? Beer! Beer! Beer! Wait, wait, wait.
Homer's trying to make a guess.
Beer, beer, beer! What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me! (SOBS IN FRUSTRATION) (BLARING HORN) Time's up! The answer is beer! Ooh.
Duff luck.
I never would've figured that out.
That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.
(SOBBING) I am not gonna make you another sparerib smoothie.
Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.
"How was your day?" Do you really want to know? Uh-huh.
Well, let's see.
I was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains, when who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.
(CHUCKLING) It seems he wants to ban culottes in the schools.
(GRUNTING) Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.
HOMER: Marge thinks Flanders is annoying.
This marriage just got interesting.
(GRUNTS) You want to know what happened? Really? We were playing foursquare and I called no double taps, and Ralph double taps.
And I said, "You're out," and he says, "I can do a summersault," which had nothing to do with anything! HOMER: Aw! Maybe a hug will cork her cry hole.
Thanks for listening, Dad.
We gotta coordinate on this thing.
So the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is Mrs.
Doody, and everyone's looking at me like, "Take it, Bart.
Run with it.
" Then it hits me.
I've become a clown.
A class clown.
And it sickens me.
HOMER: Wow, Bart has feelings.
Three wars back we called sauerkraut "liberty cabbage," and we called liberty cabbage "super slaw!" And back then, a suitcase was known as a Swedish lunchbox.
'Course, nobody knew that but me.
Anyway, "Long story short" is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling.
You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event.
We weren't going to go after last year's unpleasantness.
That donkey is such a bad influence on you.
But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet.
Maybe we can go.
I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.
(MOANING IN DELIGHT) (ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING) A formal! The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.
Uh-huh! So, how are we enjoying the festivities? Yes.
The music is from southern Hungary.
That's quite an ear.
Have some money.
Your husband is quite the gentleman.
Most people laugh at my googly eye.
(STIFLING LAUGHTER) Well, I've never seen a man politely pass up so many hors d'oeuvres.
My husband, Maxtone Witherball, has already had three shrimp! Someone's done her henpecking.
You two are quite the couple.
You must dine with us at Toad Hall.
Thank you.
(THE BLUE DANUBE PLAYING) This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
(MUFFLED) I'm horny.
I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful.
Oh, Homer.
This is the kind of night I thought we could never have together.
(WHIMPERS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires.
You'll be just the way you used to be.
(GASPS) And Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) (EXCLAIMS) Homer, your breath smells terrible.
I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.
Nicely done.
And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen.
I learned so much about my family.
You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in awhile.
Really? Let's try it.
MOE: Hello? Yeah.
I'd like to arrange for an escort, please.
To where? How about Orgasmville! You Hello? Hello? Oh! Hey.
How you doing? I was just telling all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.
I couldn't agree more.
You're today's modern, enlightened man, the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid '70s.
Hey, what are you doing in here? I'm an alcoholic.
Homer, will you appear on my show? Sure thing, alky.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Afternoon Yak.
Today we will meet a man who couldn't open his mouth, so he learned to open his heart.
Please welcome Homer and Marge Simpson.
So, Marge, tell.
What's it like kissing a man with a mouth full of metal? My boyfriend has a metal tongue stud.
Who cares what's on his tongue, as long as he's a stud where it counts! I'm talking downtown! (ALL CHEERING) Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw? Well, he would eat all the time.
We'd be making love and he'd have a mouth full of Hershey's Miniatures.
Krackel was my favorite.
I hope that was the only miniature in the bedroom.
I'm talking downtown! (ALL LAUGHING) And before he broke his jaw he never listened, but now he takes to heart everything I say.
(CHEERING) Well, as much as humanly possible.
(BOOING) Well, Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to weckless, criminal behavior.
He did such crazy things.
Roll the clip.
Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers! I'll take one.
You pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
Hey there, little sweet (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) Dude, I thought we were friends! Well, I'm not proud of that clip.
Homela, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.
Do you promise not to revive your weckless, weckless ways? I don't know.
The Demolition Derby is next month.
Please, Homie? No more craziness? For me? Well, okay.
For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
Very good.
Our next topic, "My Son Still Wets the Bed.
" You told me we were going to Red Lobster! Hmm.
All clean, just the way I left it.
HOMER: I'm gonna kill you! Well, so much for the new Homer.
What's going on? We're rehearsing a play.
Yes, and I was merely reading the title, I'm Gonna Kill You.
It's just a false alarm.
Nothing to get excited about.
Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
Professor Van Doran, so good to see you.
Rehearsing a play, I see.
This place is so dull.
The 911 button is covered with dust.
I just poured myself a new glass of milk.
The old one sat out for a little while.
Are you coming to bed? It's 7:30.
Marge, I could stand here and argue with you, but then I'd have to get a new glass of milk.
Good night, honey.
Boy, things are going really good.
Good, good, good, good, good, good, good! Hmm.
Look at that freckle.
I should dig that out.
That feels good.
(SIGHS) MARGE: This place is so boring! If somebody doesn't do something interesting, I'm gonna have to! But what? The Demolition Derby? Oh, that'll scratch my itch.
Marge? Marge is gone! But at least the Demolition Derby form is What? No! (TIRES SCREECHING) Ooh, listen to all that revving! ANNOUNCER: Drivers, start your engines! (REVVING) Vendors, start your gouging! MAN: I'll pay anything! ANNOUNCER: And now, smashie-smashie! (TOOTING HORN) Looking good, Mrs.
Come on, old girl.
Show them what you got.
Whoa! Catch you later, radiator! Oh, my God.
I hit someone.
Then I taunted him.
I've never felt more alive! (CHUCKLES) (EXCLAIMS) What was I thinking trying to feel alive? Forget that! Don't hurt me! I'm not like you people! I'm loved! (GRUNTS) I caught a head! Oh, dang! It's been scooped out.
Go around! Go around! There she is! Dad, you've gotta do something! But bold moves are no longer my forte.
She could get hurt! What do I do? What do I do? Wait, I know.
Beer here! Sure, sonny.
I'm gonna saves me wife.
Now, let's get this show on the road.
So many dings.
HOMER: Quit banging my wife! (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this.
(MUSIC SLOWING DOWN) (WHEEZING) (IMITATING POPEYE) Looks like I needs some fuel for me mule.
Gas for me ass.
Now to save me Marge! Homer, save me! Save me! (GRUNTS) He saved her! Isn't it great to have the old Dad back? I thought you liked the new Dad.
This family needs a live wire, but it's just not me.
That's okay, Marge.
You're a good wet blanket.
The kind I like wrapped around me.
Aw! ANNOUNCER 1: When Homer's jaw was crushed, crushed, crushed, his life took a nitro-burning funny turn! ANNOUNCER 2: Oh, yeah! It's important to grow, grow, grow, but if you take it to the max, max, max, it's gonna get ugly! ANNOUNCER 1: In the mud! English - US - PSDH
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