The Simpsons s13e10 Episode Script

Half-Decent Proposal

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERING) (SOBBING) (DREAM PLAYING) Dream Dream, dream, dream Dream Ooh, Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me.
(CHUCKLING) (KISSING) In my arms when I want you (RUMBLING) (HOMER SNORING) (EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION) (SNORING CONTINUES) Cool! Mom's on drugs.
If we turn her in, we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.
She's not on drugs.
She couldn't sleep because of Dad's chronic snoring.
I'm taking him to Dr.
Hibbert's this afternoon.
You know how hard it is to get a doctor on Wednesday morning.
(LAUGHING) Yah! I haven't lost so much sleep since little Bartie had the scoots.
Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
Here's what it costs.
Interesting.
Here's my counteroffer.
(LAUGHING) Get out.
(HOMER SNORING) (GROANS) (GRUNTING) (HORN HONKING) I'll get it! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) (HORN BLOWING) Pedals, people! So Lisa, do you have a date for the harvest dance? This is not a good time! It's never a good time! Overnight bag, no husband in sight! It's happened! She left Homer? I'll get the Champale.
And let's get that ring off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah.
I didn't leave Homer, and I never will.
I just need one night away from his snoring.
Great.
We'll have a girls night.
No bras! (WOMEN LAUGHING) Let's catch the tail end of Nooky in New York.
Nooky in New York? It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
That sounds great! If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat cheese quesadilla, I'm gonna scream.
I also enjoy sex.
Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops and a guy who works on Wall Street.
Broker? Nah, she's just really sore.
(LAUGHING) This is so like our lives.
It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on BHO, it's Arli$$.
BOTH: Ah! Gentlemen, start your envy! (CHUCKLING) Men's World Magazine has listed the 100 richest men in the country, and coming in at number five is Springfield native Artie Ziff.
Ooh.
Whoa! Your old boyfriend.
Please.
We went out once.
Artie made mega bucks with a revolutionary invention, a converter that changes that horrible modem noise into easy listening music.
(ELECTRONIC NOISE) (MUSIC PLAYING) Also available with lyrics.
(ARTIE SINGING TO THE TUNE OF GEORGIE GIRL) Hey, computer geek You will be connected in no time What a catch.
Why didn't you sink your claws into him at the prom? Yeah.
He was warm for your form.
Well, he seemed like a sweet little shrimp.
But then he turned into an octopus.
Artie! Artie, no! Stop! Marge.
Marge, you know you can't resist my busy hands.
Artie, get off of me! Well, I think you should get in touch with him, you know, just to congratulate him on his success.
Well, I suppose I could write him a letter.
Are you nuts? E-mail, female.
You just tell us what you want to say.
(CHUCKLING) Okay, hold onto your hats.
(SLURPING) Dear Artie.
Dear Hottie.
Congratulations on your recent TV appearance.
I want to sex you up.
Your love slave, Marge.
(GASPS) You can't use the word "sex" on the Internet.
Watch me! (GASPS) (BUZZING) Anti-trust suit.
Anti-trust suit (YAWNS) A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence? I was just thinking about her.
For the last 20 years.
(HUMMING) LISA: Mom, did you sleep well at your sisters'? Mmm-hmm.
HOMER: Whoo! Mmm.
MARGE: For you.
Ooh! Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge.
(HELICOPTER HOVERING) Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn.
Let's approach with caution.
(LAUGHING) Unguarded breakfasts.
The sweetest taboo.
(GASPS) Ooh.
Well, well, Marge Bouvier.
Artie Ziff? Oh.
That e-mail.
Look, I got a little drunk and we were I'm not surprised you want me back in your life.
You can't spell party without Artie, if you misspell party.
Or Artie.
How you doing? Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married.
Married? Was it consummated? Pretty much, yeah.
What's going on? Homer, don't talk with your mouth full.
I've told you before, it's rude! Oh-ho.
Trouble in paradise.
Hey, Marge! It's that guy who couldn't get any off you! How would you all like to take a ride with me? You're the old flame.
Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition.
Spill it, moneybags.
(LAUGHS) Yes, I do have everything, but yet I often wonder what life with Marge would've been like.
It's like being married to my best friend, and he lets me feel his boobs.
(CHUCKLING) Homie! Homer, I will give you $1, 000,000 to let me spend a weekend alone with your wife.
(GASPS) Mmm.
A million dollars.
Wait a minute.
How much sex would be involved? Because if it's some No, no, no.
All I want is to show her what life would be like had she chosen me.
Artie, that's a sick idea.
Come on, Homer.
We're leaving.
Just think about it! You'll win her yet, Artie.
I mean, Arr-tie! Hey, where's our parents? (SNORING) Hey, Marge, I just thought of something.
What? If we had Artie's money, I could get that snoring surgery.
Plus at least two of those other surgeries I desperately need.
No way, no how.
I'll get used to the snoring.
Just like I got used to saying "Courteney Cox-Arquette.
" Besides, I like some of the noises you make in bed.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) One squeaking spring symphony coming up.
(BOTH MOANING) Wow! Homer, that was amazing! Yeah, I (SNORING) (SNORING CONTINUES) Honey, did you get any sleep? Oh, I'm so sorry.
(SNORING) Are you snoring while you're awake? (SNORING) Huh? You need that surgery.
We'll have to call Artie.
Okay, Ziff.
You get her for the weekend, but no funny stuff.
And by funny stuff, I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo, which is pretty much any John Woo film.
Your wife's virtues shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.
Remember, Homie, I'm doing this for us.
See you on Monday, This round's on me, Moe! I got a big payday coming.
Yeah.
Homer sold his wife for a million bucks.
I didn't sell her.
I just rented her to an old boyfriend.
Gee, a million bucks.
That's gonna buy him a lot of swings in the old batting cage.
(CHUCKLING) Looks like everyone's a winner.
Marge gets a great new life And you get more sprawl space on the bed.
Wait.
You really think Marge is gonna fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey fight tape? I'd dump your ass.
Me, too.
Yeah, I can't get Artie out of my head.
He's like a spy in the house of Moe.
Oh, God, you're right.
I gotta get her back before it's too late! Hello, Artie.
Where are you taking me? We're taking a trip through time.
Forwards? No.
Backwards! To the sexy '70s! Oh, my God! Artie, it's our senior prom.
(DISCO INFERNO PLAYING) (SINGING) Burn, baby, burn I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the '70s.
Disco Stu is working pro bono.
Marge, many years ago I turned a groovy night into a complete bummer.
Tonight you get the prom you always deserved.
(SINGING) Precious and few are the moments we two can share That's very sweet, Artie.
Come, dear.
We can dance all night.
The band hasn't worked since the wrap party for James at 16.
Some say they're cursed.
(WHIMPERING) (MUTTERING) Oh, my God, it's our high school prom! And once again I have no date! Simpson! Hello, Dondelinger.
You're not on the guest list, Simpson.
Orders of Prom King Ziff.
(SNIFFING) And have you been drinking? Just for 25 years.
Let's go, mister.
Oh.
(GUESTS APPLAUDING) You're very sweet, but no fake prom could make me forget my husband.
I'm sorry.
Very well, Marge.
I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi, but before the evening ends, may I request an innocent peck on the cheek? Okay.
(GRUNTING) Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born! (SOBBING) Get off me, you little nerd! (GROANS) I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth.
Keep your money.
I'm going home.
Stop looking at me! Keep dancing! Don't you know how to dance? Watch me! (DRUMS PLAYING SOLO) Aw! He's gonna sleep tonight.
Oh, guys, it was horrible.
I saw Marge kissing a far superior man.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doing her right now.
(SOBBING) Oh, yeah.
Make me the bad guy.
My life here is over.
Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me and never come back? Sounds like a plan.
Then it's settled.
We leave Springfield forever.
What'd I miss? Anything good? That's $912.
Send the bill to Baron Von Kiss-a-lot.
No problemo.
(BIRD SCREECHING) (IN GERMAN ACCENT) This just arrived, Herr Baron.
Okay, who's the wise guy? Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to see A tape on the bed? Marge, if you're watching this then it means I've figured out how to work the camera.
Last night I crashed a certain fake prom.
That's right.
Artie Ziff's fake prom.
(GASPS) Homer was there? I saw something terrible and I can't even say it.
So I'll have these two dolls do it for me.
(IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Kiss me, Artie.
(IN A DEEPER VOICE) With pleasure.
Homer's a big jerk.
Ooh.
But I can explain! I'm leaving you, Marge.
The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries.
Don't worry about the kids.
I'll drop them off with Patty and Selma.
BART: Patty and Selma? Screw that! Just run the camera, you little (CHOKING) (SOBBING) Goodbye, my darling.
Oh.
It's no good.
Everything reminds me of Marge.
I know what you're going through.
We're coming up on Mount Carlmore.
I carved that one wonderful summer.
What did Carl think? You know, we've never discussed it.
Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoorsy.
Close to a bathroom? I'll put you on rig 13 as soon as they burn off the corpses.
This job will be perfect.
I'm gonna leave this world the way I entered it, dirty, screaming, and torn away from the woman I love.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Quick and pointless.
That's the death for me.
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
Dad just got a library card in West Springfield.
He checked out and a book called Dying for Dummies.
(GASPING) He must have taken a job in the West Springfield oil patch.
That's practically a death sentence! (ALL GASPING) What happened now? Homer bowled a 300 game? Grampa, that happened a year and a half ago.
We have to go save Homer.
But West Springfield's three times the size of Texas.
We'll never find him there.
Unless I really appreciate you helping me find Homer.
Think nothing of it, Marge.
I hope we can always be friends.
Of course.
With privileges? Mmm? Mmm? Does that work on anyone? No.
But when it does, hello! (GRUNTING) Another oil well successfully capped.
Let's raise our goggles in triumph.
(SQUEALING) (ALL SQUEALING) (ANTS EXCLAIMING IN RELIEF) (ANTS SCREAMING) Oh, no! This is how Faceless Joe lost his legs! Looks like we're goners.
Oh, well.
Circle of life.
(HELICOPTER HOVERING) Marge! Climb up! Ain't you coming, Homer? Why? So I can watch my wife spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man? I don't think so.
Good day! But Homer We said good day! Listen to me, Homer! You've won! You own Marge's heart, and that's something I could never buy.
Woo-hoo! There's nothing on that helicopter for me.
Don't be so sure.
(GASPS) Carl Carlson? Artie, thanks for saving my life.
Now, I believe there's the little matter of the million dollars.
We can't take his money.
Oh.
(SNORTS) I can't take his money.
I can't print my own money.
I have to work for money.
Why don't I just lie down and die? Now, Homer, if there's one thing you should've learned from all this, it's that I'm rich, rich, rich! And now, I bid you adieu! I'm Artie Ziff! I gotta hand it to Artie Ziff, Marge.
That little nerd saved my life.
And our marriage.
With his latest invention, the snore converter.
Goodnight, Homie.
Goodnight, honey.
(SNORING) (SWEET DREAMS MUSIC PLAYING) ARTIE: He's a loser, Marge.
Dump him! ARTIE: (SINGING) I travel the world and the seven seas I am watching you through a camera! English - US - PSDH