The Simpsons s13e11 Episode Script

The Bart Wants What It Wants

Simpson! We know you have the Olympic torch! For God sakes, Homer! Give them back their flame! No! The Olympics have preempted my favorite shows for the last time.
You can always find your favorite shows next month.
You wait till next month! You wait till next month! (GROANING) Every four years.
(GRUNTS) We've recovered the flame! (GASPS) It's beautiful.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
(SCREAMING) No! (SIGHING) I'm bored.
Hey, a fair! (TIRES SCREECHING) Springfield Preparatory School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
But knowing about it would make you want to go here.
Hello and thank you for coming to our fundraiser.
I'm headmaster St.
John Van Hookstratten.
Is that your beer tent? (EXCLAIMS) Monkeys point.
(SNIFFLING) Monkeys cry.
(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE PLAYING) This campus is so lush and verdant.
You probably recognize it from the film Calling All Coeds.
Oh! Is that where Boozer drank the pee? It's one of the places.
(SIGHING) This school has everything.
I know.
Doesn't it just honk you off? (GASPS) Their periodic table has 250 elements! And our school board's cut us back to 16.
All of them lanthanides.
You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue.
(GRUNTS) Here's your bond issue! (CRASHING) Quick.
Take these.
Principal Skinner, you're just stealing.
(GRUNTS) Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.
Mmm! All this food is so froufrou.
(GASPS) Ooh! Faberge egg salad.
Look, Brandine.
It's Wolfgang Puck.
Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm, I swear.
Try my Rice Krispie squares.
They are wasabi-infused with a portobello glaze.
And you can buy them at the airport.
I make mine with M&M's.
With M&M's? Now that's what I call fusion.
I could sell them on the Internet.
To the Puck-mobile! Ha! Go, go, go! No one's doing any bumping.
Time to ram-a-lam these ding-dongs.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, Marge.
Watch me burn Flanders.
"Ned Flanders bids $50.
" (GIGGLING) And the winner of the $100 bill is Ned Flanders! (GROANS LOUDLY) This is going right to the orphanage.
(EXCLAIMS) We have a winner! These will be great for advancing our research.
Our research.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (GRUNTING) (BOYS CHUCKLING) Hey, that's my backpack! (CRYING) Look at her cry! New money always cries! (GRUNTS) Drop the backpack, Jack.
The name is Jackington.
(ALL GRUNTING) Retreat! To the Hamptons! (BULLIES SINGING) Tra-la-la, la-la-la! You were so brave to take on all those bullies.
Those weren't bullies.
That's a bully.
Hey, butler, stop butling yourself.
(GRUNTING) Would that I could, sir.
Time to go, Greta.
Your mother's custody starts at 1800 hours.
Your dad's McBain? (LAUGHING) I've played many characters.
McBain, Officer Nick Vengeance, Sergeant Murder, and I was a voice on the Frasier.
Would you like to come to my house sometime? If it's okay with my dad.
We play Uno.
I chase you with hose.
No biggie.
Cool! (GROANS) I guess we're leaving, too.
(BOTH GRUNTING) No, I belong here! Please! Don't worry, honey.
We can't afford this now, but when it's time for college, I promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is.
In South Carolina.
Oh! I will not be a Gamecock! You will too! No! (ALL STRAINING) Go Gamecocks! No! It's so cute you're going to a little girl's house.
Look, boy, here's my advice on women.
Don't give them nicknames like "Jumbo" or "Boxcar," and always get receipts.
Makes you look like a business guy.
(CRASHING) What the hell is that? (TIRES SCREECHING) That car's as big as all outdoors! Wow.
What kind of mileage does it get? One highway, zero city.
(EXCLAIMS) Mmm-hmm.
(CAR HONKING) Bart, your little tie makes me smile.
Excuse me, but you don't sound as tough as you do in the movies.
If you don't shut your big yap, I will rip off your face and use it as a napkin! (ALL LAUGHING) Laughing time is over.
These are props from one of my dad's movies, The Incredible Shrinking McBain.
Wow! The Q-tip he used to kill Ross Perot.
(CHUCKLING) Everything in your house is so cool.
What's your house like? Oh, it's okay.
My bed is stuffed with hay.
(LAUGHING) Bart, you're so funny.
You haven't seen Itchy & Scratchy till you've seen it on DVD.
(SINGING) The Itchy & Scratchy Show (SCREAMING) Oh, my body! (BART AND GRETA LAUGHING) Check out the audio commentary.
We shot this at and the crew was getting a little cranky.
You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderbergh.
Always wants more (SCRATCHY SCREAMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) I hope you enjoy these German sausages.
I've been grinding all day, so I'm not sure what organ meat is in what intestinal casing.
Bratwurst? Sauerbraten? Donderblitzen? Oh, Mom, isn't there anything vegetarian? (LAUGHING) Homer, I see your daughter is one of those whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maidens.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, one time she (GASPS) She's looking at us.
Be cool.
(HUMMING NONCHALANTLY) What are you doing? (GASPS) Oh, I gotcha.
One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war! (BOTH GRUNTING) One, two, three! Hey, that was a fast count! (GRUNTING CONTINUES) Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied.
Whazzup! Oh! You brought someone.
Yeah, this is Milhouse.
He's my best friend because Well, geographical convenience, really.
I'm wearing my bathing suit under my pants.
Um You want to go swimming? Okay, but you have to watch me dive.
Do you promise? Just go! (SPLASHING) (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) He'll sleep tonight! Hello, gentlemen.
Would you care to meet my new best friend? Rainier Wolfcastle? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, I've been using that ab roller you endorse, but I haven't gotten any results.
Right, because you've been using it backward.
Are you really Homer's friend? After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover film? Is it true that if I kill you, I become you? (SCOFFS) This looks like a job for my authorized look-alike.
I live in his trunk.
So how much you look-alikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin.
(SCREAMING) (SQUELCHING) These courtside seats are great.
Thanks for the hookup, Wolfie.
I just want my daughter to be happy.
Plus, you eat the pretzels I drop on the floor.
That I do, sir.
Bart, my school's having a dance.
It's pretty lame, but maybe you can make it fun, if we went together.
Yeah, I guess.
(CROWD CHEERING) (ALL CHANTING) Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! (ALL CHEERING) Ouch! I sat on something sharp! Oh, that's just Lara Flynn Boyle.
(LAUGHING) I have a Boyle on my ass! Now, Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-up comedy act tonight.
If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down.
I won't tell if you put me on the guest list.
All right.
Plus one? Nay.
Now, I'll give you directions starting from the Simpsons' house.
(CHUCKLES) We are so there! Aren't you supposed to take Greta to the dance tonight? Oh, yeah.
Maybe I should keep my promise.
SEYMOUR: I just hope the audience is kind because my material is weak, and I have that bladder thing.
That's it! I'm blowing off the dance! This is the biggest thing that's happened to me since chocolate milk! They've got chocolate milk now? (GRUNTING) (GROANS) That was the prop comedy of the sea captain.
More like "thar he blows!" (ALL LAUGHING) Yarr, I'm so sorry.
All right.
Let's keep this train wreck moving.
Principal Skinner? I know him.
He's not funny.
Well, enjoy.
(MICROPHONE STATIC) (CLEARING THROAT) So, it's standardized testing time again.
Have you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong circles? Seymour! Seymour! (LAUGHS) Lost my place.
(CLEARING THROAT) Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe a little improv would raise the roof here.
Would someone name a profession? Loser Principal! Uh I think I heard California surfer.
What a dork.
Greta called.
It seems you told her you were sick.
Lisa, I only lied because it was the easiest way to get what I wanted.
Bart, this girl is in love with you! Think about it! Hey, I didn't lead her on.
I always played it light and breezy.
Well, if you don't feel the way Greta does, you've got to tell her before she gets hurt.
All right.
I know what to do.
I'll dump her like she's never been dumped before.
Then we'll go right back to being friends.
Well, Bart, you really understand women.
Lise, women are easy.
State capitals are hard! (CHUCKLING) And where were you? Cockfight.
You're breaking up with me? (CRYING) Don't worry.
We get that a lot here.
(CRYING) Lou, you can't leave the force! I can change! I just think there's more money in private security.
All I'm hearing is I'm too fat.
(CRYING) Aren't I? (CRYING CONTINUES) I can't believe he dumped me! In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.
Dad, this isn't a movie.
Let my muscles hug you.
Greta, I'm sorry I didn't handle the breakup well, but you're a sweet kid and someday you'll find someone who Whazzup! Milhouse? Greta? Well, no one has to draw me a picture! Oh! But I did.
(GASPS) Greta, is this how it is? Yes.
Except he kissed me in the eye.
(MOANS) I was an idiot.
Now I'll be alone forever.
Why did I break up with her? Oh, Bart, it's human nature.
You only want her because someone else has her.
Prove it, using examples from this room.
All right, look.
Maggie's not playing with this ball right now, but look what happens when I take it.
(GRUNTING) See? Give me the ball! Give me the ball! (GROANS) (USE TA BE MY GIRL PLAYING) She use ta be She use ta be my girl She use ta be my girl I wouldn't lie about a thing like that She use ta be my girl Well, well She use ta be my girl (PHONE RINGING) (WOLFCASTLE ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Leave a message at the beep.
But don't be a message monster hogging all my tape! (BEEPING) Uh, Greta, it's me.
I think you left your pencil over at my house, and He's there now, isn't he? I knew it.
You're there.
Just hear me out.
Bart, forget it.
I'm leaving in 10 minutes.
My dad's shooting a movie in Toronto.
(GASPS) You're going to Spain? Goodbye, Bart.
So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior? This is for love, Dad.
Someday you'll feel what I feel.
It's only fair.
We went to Europe when Lisa lost her balloon.
Maggie, what do you think? All right, Son.
We'll all go! First class! (CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) It's so clean and bland.
I'm home! Wow! This bus station is the birthplace of Paul Shaffer.
Dad, no! It says, "Don't walk!" It doesn't matter.
They have free health care.
(GRUNTS) Whoa! I'm rich! Take off! To the Great White North! Take off! It's a beauty way to go! Take off I'm a 10-year-old boy in Toronto.
I should be the happiest kid in the world.
But I can't stop thinking about Greta! You'll win her back, eh.
And B, we're closing in five minutes.
Would a US dollar change your mind? American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir? Take off! To the Great White North! Over there you can see them shooting the film Canadian Graffiti.
Oh, I see you drive on the left up here.
No, Ma'am.
I'm drunk.
There it is! Wolfcastle's movie set! (BOY GRUNTING) (BULLIES CHUCKLING) Excuse me.
Which way to the chess club? What's your name, nerd? Melvin Eugene Puny-meyer.
Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd.
Ha! Just more of you to pick on.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
(GRUNTING) (EXCLAIMING) There she is, boy.
I don't know, Dad.
What if she's still mad at me? Listen to me, Son.
No one loves a quitter.
So you go over there and you win her back.
But she might say no.
Oh, I quit.
There's no convincing you.
(SIGHING) I'm gonna take a nap.
(SNORING) You're not gonna win her back.
She's with the "House" now.
(CHUCKLES) Milhouse, she's only dating you to get back at me.
My therapist said that's all I could ever hope for.
So take off, hoser! (BOTH GRUNTING) MILHOUSE: I'm gonna knock you into the next province! Well, we've seen some wild sweeping here today.
The broom handling has been truly dazzling.
(GRUNTING CONTINUES) What's this? Two young Yankee Doodles have turned this match into a dandy.
(LAUGHING) Both our viewers must be thrilled.
Greta, I miss you so much.
Please be my girlfriend again.
Yes! The "House" always wins! Sorry, Milhouse.
I thought Canada would save our relationship, but it only made it worse.
You're breaking up with me? Why? I guess I was just looking for someone more masculine.
I told you! I don't know how that scrunchie got in my hair! Sorry, guys.
But you two have put me off dating for at least four years.
I think I'll just buckle down and co-produce my dad's movies.
Need a unit production manager? (GROWLING) It's too late, Bart.
Well, I guess we're single again.
I can't believe I have to give her half my stuff! But are we still friends? Till the next one.
So, what do we do now? Well, we're in Canada.
Let's find something fun! I've got just the ticket! Come on! I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic Basketball team.
It's just that easy.
(GRUNTING) Wow, that was close.
You can be the center.
(MUSIC PLAYING) How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips? KEARNEY: How come you suck? Uh I lack confidence? MILHOUSE: Whazzup! English - US - PSDH
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