The Simpsons s13e14 Episode Script

Tales From the Public Domain

Homer, you got a letter.
It's from the library.
Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since O.
Wait a minute.
Blood in the Bronco, the cuts on his hands, those Jay Leno monologues! Oh, my God! He did it! (WHIMPERS) Here's the book.
(BLOWS) "Classics for Children"? Yeah.
I checked that out when Bart was born.
I was gonna read to him every day.
What happened? Stuff kept coming up.
Mostly car-related.
Piece of crap.
Why don't you read to us now? I decide who reads and when! How about now? Mmm.
Homer's Odyssey.
Is this about that minivan I rented once? No, Dad.
It's an epic tale from ancient Greece.
That minivan had the biggest cup holders.
And change slots for every coin, from penny to quarter.
Dad, I loved it, too, but it was seven years ago.
"It was the end of the Trojan War.
"Clever Odysseus had come up with a plan "to destroy the Trojans once and for all.
" (GRUNTING) Hi, odiddily-Odysseus! (MUTTERS) Stupid king of Troy.
I think I speak for all the Greeks when I say this war has gone on for too long.
I'll say.
I'd really like to go out and get the mail.
Anyway, over torture, one of your soldiers mentioned that you collect giant wooden animals.
We hope you don't have a horse.
Well, I don't have one from you.
Bring it in! Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
What are you laughing at, Dad? If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny.
Anyway, "As night fell, the Greek soldiers crept from the wooden horse.
" (SNORING) Aw, look at them.
Sleeping like little angels.
Spare no one.
(SCREAMING) Remember, just 'cause their heads are off, it don't mean they're dead.
Now I can return to Ithaca and my sweet wife, Penelope.
Odysseus, do not forget to thank the gods for our victory with an appropriate animal sacrifice.
Forget it! Sacrificing animals is barbaric.
Now have the slaves kill the wounded.
No sacrifice? We'll teach that mortal to trifle with the gods.
I got it.
(GRUNTS) (EXPLOSION) You fat lush.
You just destroyed Atlantis.
You used to be fun.
Where's the Zeus who used to turn into a cow and pick up chicks? He grew up.
Maybe you should, too.
Poseidon, you take care of Odysseus.
I'll send him far.
Off course.
(LAUGHS) "Greece" is the word.
Is it "vase" or "vase"? You gonna be asking that the whole trip? Gentlemen, I must be wasted, 'cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me.
Yarr! Yarr! (ALL SHOUTING) (ALL SIGH IN RELIEF) SIRENS: (SINGING) On the island Island of Sirens Our hot sex Will leave you perspiring Hey, that's kind of catchy.
It's coming from that island.
Let's steer heedlessly towards it.
Heedlessly it is.
(HUMMING) The feta is cheesy The Sirens are easy Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure, wow! On the island We'll sex you up Island of Sirens Oh, God! They're hideous! (BOTH EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Someone gouge my eyes! FRINK: Save me from the ladies! It's been so many years since I've seen your father.
I hope he's still the magnificent physical specimen he was when he left.
Mom, maybe it's time to choose a suitor.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Discus Stu has ouzo for twozo.
I'll leave you guys alone.
Discus Stu was talking to you.
(SHUDDERS) Oh, where could your father be? HOMER: Almost home.
(ALL CHEERING) (ALL GROANING) Ain't I a stinker? Welcome to my island.
I am Circe, the sorceress.
Boy, who decided to give every weirdo an island? You must be thirsty.
Drink from my cauldron.
Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling.
Out of the way, slim.
(EXCLAIMS) (ALL SNORTING) Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys.
Guys? (ALL SNORTING) That pig looks like Lenny.
Hey! Mmm.
That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.
I'm still hungry.
Didn't you eat enough of your friends? (GASPS) Those were my friends? Yes.
I've been saying that for hours.
That's it! I'm going home! Which way to Ithaca? It's not so easy.
You must go through Hades, crossing the River Styx.
(SINGING) You're my lady Of the morning Oh, this truly is hell! Okay.
It has been 20 years, and you suitors have been very patient.
We've been beyond patient! When we came here, Helen of Troy was hot! Now look at her! This is the face that launched a thousand ships, the other way.
HOMER: Honey, I'm home.
Well, look who the fates dragged in.
Oh, I'm sorry I was gone so long, but I'm gonna do something I haven't done for 20 years.
Take out the trash! (ALL GROANING) Sweet Penelope, you're just as beautiful as you were when I left.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
ALL: Aw.
(ALL GROAN) Brave Odysseus, it's been 20 long years.
Regale me with tales of your adventures.
Quit suffocating me.
I'm going to Moe's.
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) Oh, here's the story of Joan of Arc.
Ooh! Did you say Joan Van Ark? No, Mom.
Joan of Arc.
It's never Joan Van Ark.
This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called France.
"The French were fighting the English in the Hundred Years' War, "which was then called Operation Speedy Resolution.
" Son, how's it going with the breakfast pâté? I'm on it.
(QUACKING) (SQUAWKS) Bartrand, where is your sister Joan? Morning bells are ringing.
Morning bells are ringing.
She's talking to her invisible friend.
And please bless Mama and Papa and Bartrand and Coco Chanel.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Joan of Arc, I am your God.
(EXCLAIMS WORRIEDLY) I have chosen you to lead the French army to victory over the English invaders.
But I'm just a little girl.
I know.
I have three eyes.
Now get cracking.
God wants you to lead the French army to what? Victory.
Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it! God spoke to me.
I must obey.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Joan, give me your dessert.
That's just you, Bart.
GOD: Joan, give me your dessert! Yes, sir.
(GOD MUNCHING) That's going straight to my five thighs.
All right, garçons.
You know, French for "one.
" Well, you keep switching back between French and English.
Just fire the damn thing.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH) (GROANS) My fault this time.
I didn't tuck in my legs.
Wait! I have been sent to lead the French army to victory! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, really? And how are you gonna do that? With modern ideas, like putting bigger, harder people in the catapult.
Or, how about rocks? (ALL MURMURING) SOLDIER: Rock.
I don't know how to feel just now.
And now, attack! (YELLING) (SWORDS CLANGING) (LISA EXCLAIMING) Shouldn't we help her? Yeah, right behind you, Lou.
(YELLING) Uh-oh.
There's my supervisor.
What's all this then? It's a little bird with a knife, isn't it? (GROANS) What a thing to happen! (GROANS) (ALL GROANING) Blimey! We welcome our savior, Joan of Arc.
It is customary to kneel before the king.
I would gladly kneel, were you the real king.
(ALL GASPING) You are the true dauphin.
You had this impostor try to fool me to see if I was truly sent by God.
Bravo, Joan of Arc.
You are as brainsome as you are toothsome.
(CHUCKLES) Quimbe, you may resume your regular duties now.
It would be my pleasure.
Vibrate for me, footstool.
(VIBRATING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Loyal subjects, let us drink to Joan of Arc, who will conquer the English, and has already conquered my heart.
(LAUGHS) Uh, God says we should just be friends.
I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the 12th girl he's struck out with this week! Boil him in oil! So no 10:30 show? Let us kill the English! Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants! (ALL CHEERING) They're attacking again.
I thought we had a truce.
Just because you keep saying it doesn't make it so.
(GROANS) Oh, my word! You can't stop me! I was sent by God! I want my mommy! I captured a wee girl! I'm the greatest hero in English history! (WHINNYING) Joan of Arc, you are accused of heresy, witchcraft, and that man told me you pushed him.
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) I would like to call my only witness.
Almighty God.
(ALL GASPING) GOD: I told this maiden to lead the French to victory.
Wait a minute, you two-timing spot of light.
You told me to lead the English to victory! (GASPS) Is that true, Lord? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Well, I never thought the two of you would be in the same room, actually.
This is a little embarrassing.
Goodbye now.
That was weird.
Let's burn her! ALL: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her! Don't burn her! She's just an innocent child! Burn this guy! He lost a good bucket! Joan, renounce your faith.
Save yourself.
Don't worry, beloved parents.
God won't let anything happen to me.
Getting kind of hot around here.
What happened, Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they? Of course they didn't, honey.
"Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up "on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc.
"They got married and lived in a spaceship.
The end.
" (HUMMING) Well, that's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
Our next story is Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.
Dad, these old stories can't compare with our modern super writers.
Steven Bochco could kick Shakespeare's ass! Look, this story's more interesting than you think.
It starts with Hamlet's father getting murdered.
Does he get to marry his mom? I don't know, but that would be hot.
"Once upon a time, there was a young Prince of Denmark.
" Hamlet! Avenge me! Dad? Yes.
I have returned from the dead.
Looks like you've returned from the buffet.
Why, you little D'oh! My son, I have some shocking news.
I was murdered.
Murdered, I tells you! Really? Behold! As I slept, your Uncle Claudius poured poison in my ear.
Poison most foul! (MOANS) So he could marry your mother and become the king! Yeah, that was quite a weekend.
Now you must avenge me.
Avenge me! How? I don't know.
Surprise me.
(IN GHOSTLY VOICE) Surprise me! Could that fat ghost be telling the truth? First, I've gotta get Uncle Claudius to confess.
Then I've gotta kill him.
It's cold outside.
You'll need a sweater.
(IN GHOSTLY VOICE) A sweater! And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just might be a Viking! (ALL LAUGHING) That's what I get for sitting up front, eh? (LAUGHING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) I love these jesters.
They're exactly what I need to forget about my first husband.
Yeah, I really miss the old guy.
It was all I could do to put on his jewels and score with his wife every night.
How are you doing, kid? Nice to see you.
Now we would like to warn you, our performances tend to make audience members blurt out hidden secrets.
Oh, boy.
Aha! Methinks the play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.
Catch my conscience? What? You're not supposed to hear me.
That's a soliloquy.
Okay, well, I'll do a soliloquy, too.
(CLEARS THROAT) Note to self.
Kill that kid.
Okay, we're gonna open it up with a little improv.
Somebody shout out a location! This castle! Okay.
How about an occupation? Usurper of the throne! (GRUNTS WORRIEDLY) I think I heard "usurper of the throne.
" Now finally, I need an object.
Ear poison! Hey, do you have diarrhea? I have diarrhea.
Sit down! Wait a minute! I didn't use that much poison! (ALL GASPING) I mean, I didn't use that much poi, son, at the royal luau.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (GASPS) Daddy, it's true! Uncle Claudius murdered you! Oh, great.
Now Hamlet's acting crazy.
Well nobody out-crazies Ophelia.
Hey, nonny nonny, with a hoo and a haw, and a nonny nonny hey! (SPLASH) (YELLING) Hamlet, what'd I tell you about running with swords? Someone's behind the curtain.
It could be Claudius.
Only one way to find out.
(MAN GROANING) Ow! Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain? I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.
Daddy's stomach is crying.
Laertes, you gotta do a special big-boy job for Daddy.
I need you to avenge my death.
I like revenging! I'm gonna kill Hamlet.
Here's my mad face.
But just in case you don't kill Hamlet, I put some poison on the food, on the drapes, even on Rosencarl and Guildenlenny here.
If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead.
Booyah! (BOTH GROAN) Now, Hamlet, you know the rules.
Laertes here gets one practice stab.
Oh, boy! Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Now there's nothing to stop me from getting my vengeance.
You sure you don't want a nice piece of fish, or to finger the drapes a little? This ends here! (EXCLAIMS) (GROANS) Remember me as a peacemaker.
(GROANS) And now to celebrate life! Whoa! Bloody floor! (GROANS) No way I'm cleaning up this mess.
(GRUNTS) And that's the greatest thing ever written.
Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where every character is murdered could be so boring! Son, it's not only a great play, but also became a great movie called Ghostbusters.
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