The Simpsons s13e15 Episode Script

Blame it on Lisa

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SINGING) The Itchy and Scratchy Show! Tee one up for me, catty.
Sure thing, mousy.
(LAUGHING) Nice follow-through! Now that's what I call a moon shot.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Now that's what I call a moon shot.
Dad, that line was in the cartoon.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Our phone bill is $400! They charged us for a call to Brazil.
Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil? No, sir.
I didn't.
Choke on your lies! (GRUNTING) Homer, they must've made a mistake.
We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out.
Which phone company? There are hundreds of them.
And they all keep changing their names.
(SOBBING) I think we're with Comquaaq.
No, I think its Niagular.
No, last week they became Vertiqual.
(SOBBING) Wow.
Everything is so high-tech.
Dialing Murray Hill, So, I says to Myrna, I says, "That guy's a bum!" Ooh! That's the Movie Phone guy.
The movie we've selected plays at 8:00 p.
m.
at Springfield Cinema Six.
Thank you for dating Mr.
Movie Phone.
Our evening will be rated R, for brief nudity.
Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long-distance service if (GASPS) What the She hung up on me! What did I do? (SOBBING) Hello.
I'm your customer service rep, Lindsay Naegle.
We've met you many times, Miss Naegle.
Why do you keep changing jobs? I'm a sexual predator.
Oh.
Now, how may I best dispense with you today? We've been charged for calls to Brazil that we didn't make.
We are not paying this bill.
Fine.
I'll cut off your service.
Fine! I'll cut off your ponytail! Homer! Marge, it's called negotiating.
(MURMURS) Ooh.
Fascinating.
I need to call Janie, but I can't get a dial tone.
We're not paying our bill, so the phone company shut off our service.
(SIGHS) Why must you fight with every utility? I told you, I have too much time on my hands.
Homer.
We were cleaning out a cooling duct at the plant and found a box of old taco shells.
Oh, why didn't you call me? We tried, but a recording said you were a bunch of deadbeats.
Mmm.
That's it! They have awoken a sleeping giant.
Homer, what are you going to do? Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme.
Get me tools and beer! Yes! Free service, here we come.
All right.
Let's try the red one.
(SCREAMS) Okay.
I'll try the green.
(SHRIEKING) Let's try the red one again.
Oh, not again! (SCREAMING) Let's try them together.
(SCREAMS) (GROANING) Maybe the red one.
(SCREAMS) (SHUDDERING) How did I get here? We found you smoldering in the bushes.
That's it! We're just going to have to pay for that call to Brazil! What call to Brazil? The one I didn't make and Marge didn't make and Bart didn't make and hence, no one in the house made.
Uh-oh.
You made that call? But you're the good one.
Yeah.
The one we both like.
Why did you do it? Please don't be mad.
I've been sponsoring an orphan boy in Brazil.
Oh, aren't you sweet? Sharing your allowance with a poor Brazilian boy.
Don't you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers? I saw it in a movie, whose name I can't remember! Ronaldo used to send me a letter every month, but then they stopped.
That's why I called the orphanage.
But they said he disappeared.
How come you talked for $400? Well, then they started pressuring me for more donations, and you can't hang up on a nun.
That's right.
They have powers.
When I sent my first donation, the charity mailed me this video.
Hi, Lisa.
Thank you for your donation.
Because of your generosity, I bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas! (HUMMING) ALL: Aw! He's so adorable.
Can we have another baby? No way! I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one.
And with the money left over, the orphanage was able to buy a door.
Now the monkeys cannot bite me.
Uh-oh.
(SCREECHING) I am like sugar to them.
(SNIFFS) Oh.
That poor little boy.
We've got to find him.
How many people live in Brazil? A hundred and fifty-six million.
D'oh! Well, we've got to find him! What? I'm really concerned.
Fine.
I want to meet monkeys.
I don't know.
It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Not if we buy our tickets on the Internet.
It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City and East Saint Louis, spend a night in a haunted house and leave right now.
Then it's settled.
The Simpsons are going to Brazil! And I'll have been on every continent.
Except Antarctica.
The Simpsons are going to Antarctica next year.
This year, Brazil.
Okay, here are some travel tips.
"Only drink bottled water.
"Don't get into an unlicensed taxi.
"And remember, they have winter during our summer.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, in August, it's cold? That's right.
And in February, it's hot? Mmm-hmm.
So, it's opposite land! Crooks chase cops, cats have puppies.
No, Dad.
It's just the weather.
So, hot snow falls up? (SIGHS) Yes.
Woo-hoo! Get ready, Brazil.
I now speak fluent Spanish.
Well done, Bart.
But in Brazil, they speak Portuguese.
(SPEAKS ANGRILY IN SPANISH) Forget every word, boy.
It's useless.
But, Homer I said forget it! All gone.
(MURMURS IN DISAPPOINTMENT) This is your captain speaking.
The local temperature in Rio de Janeiro is hot, hot, hot, with 100% chance of passion! Fernando, you make that joke every time.
It was that joke that made you fall in love with me.
Hey, Maggie, how are you doing back there? Oh, so helpless.
(GASPS) Look, it's the giant statue of Christ on Corcovado.
Wow.
It's like he's on the dashboard of the entire country.
It says here we can get anywhere we want by taking a conga line.
Way ahead of you, Marge.
(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Take me to the hotel My hands are on a guy's ass Boy, this dude must work out SIMPSONS: Hey! Hey! Boy, they sure love soccer here.
Kick it! (LAUGHING) Goal! Look, Marge.
I'm Brazilian! LISA: "How to Loot Brazil"? I got it! I got it! I got it! (GIGGLING) Bart, what are you watching? Kids' show.
(HUMMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Bert and Ernie left it to your imagination.
Look, the room came with a fruit hat.
Hey, and a mini bar hat! (SINGING) I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say I will eat this Toblerone and I will not pay Guys! While you're singing and dancing, somewhere out there Ronaldo is waiting to be found.
(GASPS) There he is! Oh, wait.
You said brown hair, right? What a charming neighborhood.
Mom, these are slums.
The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended.
Works for me.
Yeah.
Check out the rats.
(SQUEAKING) Ooh! They look like Skittles! LISA: Here we are! "123 Papaya Street.
" This is Ronaldo's orphanage.
(ALL LAUGHING) Excuse me.
We're looking for this little boy.
Ah, yes.
Ronaldo.
He went out months ago.
And we haven't heard from him since.
Every day we light a candle for him.
Have you tried looking for him? That's plan B.
We're never going to find him.
(SOBS) Now, Lisa, it's not as bleak as that.
Can you fly me over town to look for him? We nuns cannot fly.
Oh, too much junk in the trunk, eh? Yes.
Have some meat on a sword, Lisa.
It'll cheer you up.
You know I'm a vegetarian.
But you're on vacation, honey.
I'm not wearing my wedding ring.
Homer! Okay.
On this map I marked all the places that Ronaldo liked to go.
If we split up, we should be able to search them all.
(EXCLAIMS) We'll do our best.
Now, let's get going! (EXCLAIMS) Check, please.
Si! (MURMURING) Does that include tip? Si! Hey, look.
There's Copacabana beach! The heart and soul of Rio! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Excuse me, Americans! (GASPS) How did you know? There is a dress code on this beach.
But we can help you.
I feel so European.
Huh.
Mine keeps disappearing.
Oh, well.
Oh, I hope they're going somewhere good.
Okay, boy.
Let's strut our stuff.
(SINGING) I'm in Rio and I'm walking on the beach I'm in my Speedo (CHUCKLES) (EXCLAIMS) No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(GASPS) Excuse me.
We think this boy might be here.
Okay, this is a samba school.
This is not a lost and found.
This is where we invented the lambada and the macarena.
We are now developing our most powerful dance, the penetrada.
It makes sex look like a church! I don't think my daughter should hear this.
You can't protect her forever! You stupid lady! Give me a drink with all your sweetest Brazilian fruits mixed together.
Here you go.
Sweet.
Sweet.
Sweet! (GAGGING) (PANTING) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) There's got to be a million kids here.
We'll never find Ronaldo.
Ronaldo? You know him? No, no.
I was just distracting you while my children robbed you.
(KIDS LAUGHING) (GASPING) Oh, look at all the stuffed coatimundi.
I bet Maggie would like one.
(SNARLING) (BOTH SCREAMING) I'll just get her this bracelet.
(HISSES) (MARGE GASPS) Everything here is something.
Hey, Bart.
How many more places do we have to search? Just one, and it's across town.
Taxi! My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.
So that means I don't have to pay the fare? I suppose Woo-hoo! I'm afraid you don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation.
Fine.
Take me, but let the boy go! I'm afraid he has already gone.
(GROANS) (MIAMI VICE THEME PLAYING) Where are you taking me? Shut up.
And take that stupid bag off your head.
No.
It smells like cinnamon.
Behold, the Amazon.
But quick because we're burning it down.
Listen, I really need a rest stop.
Again? I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
We just call them nuts here.
(LAUGHING) Suckers.
(HOMER SCREAMS) Suckers! (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) I guess planning a vacation around a missing kid is not the way to have fun.
Hey.
Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies.
Clockwise! Counter-clockwise.
(TURNS OFF TV) Where's your father? Kidnapped.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! What are we supposed to do? I don't know.
Wait for the call.
(TURNS ON TV) WOMAN ON TV: On top of.
Beneath.
On top of.
Beneath.
So, you want me to find your husband? Yes.
And you also want me to find a little boy? That's right.
I don't think there is a boy or a husband! I think you have a thing for me.
(GROANS) I've been shot! I am flattered, but I do not swing that way.
I have another itch.
Yeah, well, scratch it yourself.
I'm not going there again.
I have sent the ransom note.
If your family wants to see you alive again, they would be wise to pay.
I don't know.
They've been seeing me alive for free for a long time.
So, have you got the $50,000? Well, with all our savings and the money Grampa wired us, we have $1,200.
That's very nice, honey.
That'll buy you one of my legs or something they call a mystery bag.
I'll get back to you.
They have $1,200.
$1,200? (SCOFFS) You've already eaten that much.
Come on.
I didn't (MURMURING) Well, maybe.
Enough of your blarney! Get the money! (RINGING) Ahoy-hoy.
Mr.
Burns, it's Homer Simpson.
I've been kidnapped and I need $50,000.
Hmm.
Well, I'm high on sheep embryos, so I am feeling charitable.
How about I advance you the money and you work it off? No deal! (RINGING) Moe's Tavern.
Home of the stinkiest rag in America! Hey, Moe.
Homer, listen.
I need 50 grand.
Don't ask me why.
No, no.
I need 50 grand! I asked you first! Fine.
I'll send you 50 grand.
Thanks.
(RINGING) HOMER: Hello, Flanders.
I need 100 grand.
Well, I don't really have that much.
But if you need it that bad, you'll be in my prayers.
Go suck a Bible! (BOTH MURMUR ANGRILY) This is all my fault.
I came to find someone, but now I've just lost Dad and (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) What is that noise? That irritating, intoxicating music with a beat that sends your inhibitions packing? It's Carnival! (PEOPLE CHEERING) (LAUGHING) Oh, your father would've loved this.
The drunkenness, the ambiguous sexuality (GASPS) I've got to get out of here! You cannot run from Carnival! Because even running is a kind of dance! I am on fire, and I dance! I'll just dance and worry at the same time.
(MURMURS WORRIEDLY) Hey, look! It's the stripper from the kids' show.
She makes paying attention cool.
(GASPS) Lisa! Lisa! (SCREAMS) It's me, Ronaldo! Ronaldo! Yes.
I am Flamenco Flamingo.
And it all started with the dancing shoes you bought me.
Why didn't you tell me? I tried to write.
But I didn't know what state you lived in.
It's a bit of a mystery, yes.
But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.
Oh, no! The parade, she starts.
Meet me at the estudio.
Where is it? That way! Here is the ransom for your father.
Are you sure you can afford it? I make as much as Malcolm in the Middle.
And because I have no parents, my earnings remain unstolen.
We're supposed to bring the ransom money to the top of Sugar Loaf Mountain.
The tension is killing me! How about this? (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) That's not tense enough.
It's making light of the situation.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Yup, that's it.
Just right.
That's the one.
Look, there's Dad! Listen, I made a little scrapbook to remember the kidnapping.
I'm still working on it.
But as you can see Look.
This is that cigarette butt you burned me with.
You slept like a baby that night.
(ALL LAUGHING) I remember that, yeah.
Homer, why are you laughing? He has the Stockholm syndrome.
(LAUGHS) He has come to identify with his captors.
They let me stay up all night! Well, you won't be doing that at home.
Now, hand over the money and you get your Homer back.
(LAUGHS) Look at all that pink and purple.
KIDNAPPER 2: Our money sure is gay.
You are free to go.
Woo-hoo! Piece of cake! (GRUNTING) (ALL SCREAMING) We should make these transfers in a safer place.
It was Homer's idea.
You say no to that face.
(ALL SCREAMING) (HOMER GROANING) Homie, are you okay? Yes, honey.
I'm better than okay.
Because I've learned that no matter how bad I screw up, you'll always bail me out.
Aw LISA: Mom? Dad? We better do something about this.
Don't be sad.
It's Carnival! (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) BART: Whoopee! English - US - PSDH