The Simpsons s13e16 Episode Script

Weekend at Burnsies

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) All right, family.
Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight? (EXCLAIMS INDIFFERENTLY) Same old garbage.
(ALL LAUGHING) This guy's always on! Oh, you two.
We're eating genetically modified vegetables.
Look how big they are! This corn doesn't look so big.
That's baby corn.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISBELIEF) What? American corporations should stop playing God with nature.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
They're all grown by the vegetable division of Union Carbide.
Mom, my potato is eating a carrot! That's it.
From now on, I'm growing all our vegetables myself.
(CAWING) Go away! Go away! What you doing, Mom? I've tried heckling them.
I've tried jeckling them.
It's time I made myself a scarecrow.
(GASPS) Go away! Go away! "in God, the Father Almighty "Creator of heaven and earth" Shoo! Shoo! (SCREAMING) "Heaven and earth" Where were we? Now I'm lost.
(CAWING) Yeah, I did it! Marge is in the house! I will be soon.
Because it needs some cleaning! (WHISTLING) Huh? (SHRIEKS) I'll regroup at Red Lobster.
(SHOUTING) You ain't pretty no more! (CAWING) Look.
I've made some friends.
Now, go do my bidding! Uh Whatever it may be.
(CAWING) So, Lisa says by killing their enemy I became the alpha crow.
I got to admit.
I'm kind of nervous here.
We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him.
I'm sure he'll turn up.
Look, here's one of his buttons.
All right, that's it.
Get them out of here! This ain't no crow bar! This is a crow bar! See? They got the little stools and everything.
That's Russell Crow, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddley, Hume Crow-nyn, Gregory Peck.
Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
It's a murder, honey.
A group of crows is called a murder.
I'm sleeping on the couch.
(CHOKING) Drop it in! Don't cram it in! Forget it! I'll do it myself.
Aw, look.
Maggie wants to fly, too.
Hey! Cut it out! Put her down! (EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF) Thank God you're okay.
Okay, that was not cool.
We need to lay down some ground rules.
We'll get to that! Right now, I think we need some time apart! (CAWING ANGRILY) All right, that's it! Shoo, you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! (SCREAMING) That is not a worm! (SCREAMING) Ow! Ow! I hate getting stitches in my eyes! Stupid crows! Don't be mad at the crows, Homer.
They weren't trying to blind you.
They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
Mmm.
Fascinating.
Say, Doctor, can you do something about my searing pain? Well, there is a medication.
Although, it's a little controversial.
Does it go in the butt? I'm talking about medicinal marijuana.
Prescription pot.
Texas THC.
Look, man, I don't do drugs! Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic.
You're not afraid, are you? I had a bad experience with drugs.
('60s ROCK PLAYING) HOMER: It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school.
Hey, Homer, want to smoke some marijuana? They say it's a gateway drug.
Well, well.
If it isn't the Doobie Brothers.
Uh-oh.
Crotch the weed, man.
Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps? (SNIFFING) (SNARLS) (SCREAMS) For me, the '60s ended that day in 1978.
But, Homer, you can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.
But isn't marijuana, or "dope," illegal? Only for those who enjoy it.
Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state.
We'll also provide you with a prescription bong.
(CHUCKLES) Do you want the wizard or the skull? (SINGING) Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind Incense and peppermints, the color of time Okay, let's see.
"Toke as needed.
"Caution, objects may appear more edible than they actually are.
" (INCENSE AND PEPPERMINTS PLAYING) (SINGING) Incense, peppermints Incense, peppermints What's that billowing down the stairs? (GASPS) It's smoke! (SNIFFS) It smells like the art teacher's office.
HOMER: (SINGING) Smoke on the water Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Uh-oh.
Da-da-da-da-da! They burned down the gambling house It died with an awful sound I am hungry for a candy bar I think I'll eat a Mounds (GASPING) Homer! You're doing drugs! And now I'm guilty of possession! I could go to prison unless I testify against you.
Marge, it's making my eyes better.
And it's legal.
I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid, monkey face! And he'd just have to sit there grooving on it.
(SINGING) Color sky Havana lake Color sky rose carmethene Alizarian crimson Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven Wear your love like heaven (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Marge, I just realized I am the "ow" in the word "now.
" And if you tell anyone Honey, I like it when you call.
But we just talked five minutes ago.
(BEEPING ON THE LINE) Hang on, I've got call waiting.
Hello? HOMER: Hey, it's me.
I've got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out.
(GROANS) (PLAYING BLUES) (CHUCKLES) Dad, I thought you didn't like her saxophone.
I didn't.
But now, Daddy's special medicine, which you must never use because it will ruin your life, lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience.
Ever! Dad, it's 1:00 a.
m.
and I'm out of saliva! (SHUSHING) (GROANS) (PLAYING) HOMER: Wow.
That saxophone would make a great pipe.
(DOORBELL CHIMING) Hi-diddily-hey, Homer! Oh, my God! This dude does the best Flanders! You got the mustache and the "diddily!" Okay, now do Wiggum! (CHUCKLES) Homer, it's me.
Ned.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
The God dude.
Hey, I got a question for you.
"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot "that he himself could not eat it?" (SIGHS) Well, sir, of course he could.
But then again, wow, as melon-scratchers go, that's a honey-doodle.
Now you know what I've been going through.
Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.
Mmm.
Oh, man, this is long.
Could you read it to me? (GASPS IN DELIGHT) I guess that could be arranged.
"The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people.
The end.
" Wow.
Wow.
God does so much for me and he doesn't ask anything in return.
Well, I know he's wishing you'd sign his petition to re-criminalize medicinal marijuana.
Done and done! Now do Wiggum! Well, okay.
I guess it would go something like this.
(IMITATING WIGGUM) All right, Simpson, you're under arrest, see? I said Wiggum! "And so, potential investors, I hope you don't think our IPO is an IPU.
" (CHUCKLES) Then I hold my nose thusly.
What do you think, Smithers? Bit of a downer, sir.
Well, I hope the investors like it.
I have to raise $60 million or we're out of business! Why is that, sir? I told you, I pissed it away! Don't make that face.
Yes, that's the one.
Smithers, I need someone who laughs at all my jokes.
You know, honest feedback.
Oops! I thought this was the can, man.
(LAUGHING) Well, you're a happy Homer.
What's your name, young man? You just said it! (LAUGHING) Well, if you like that, listen to this.
Working hard or hardly working? (GUFFAWING) Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
No, Smithers.
I would've said anything to get your stem cells.
Now, welcome aboard! You're covered with a very fine fuzz.
(CHUCKLING) "Hardly working.
" Where did you get that suit? Whoa, whoa! One question at a time! Yes, you? Look, I'm really starting to worry.
There's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere.
We're all out of paper clips.
And the curtains smell like doob.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got news for you! I just got promoted, and it's all thanks to "Yes-I-cannabis!" (SCOFFS) We have a kitchen? (MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) WOMAN ON TV: Now, where are those three chandelier-hangers I hired? (GLASS SHATTERING) MAN: You mutton heads! This is why we can never hold down a job.
(LAUGHING) Look at Shemp.
He is so high! Hey, "Shemp" is "hemp" spelled backwards.
And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards! Now, I'm scared.
Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes? As soon as I graduate, I am so out of here! KENT ON NEWS: This just in.
The Marijuana Re-Criminalization Initiative took another step forward today as supporters collected the final signatures required to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election.
We got to get out and stop that initiative! Marge, I'm gonna need No guac in mine.
Good night, Homer.
Dude, your mom is hot.
Don't encroach on our roach! Don't encroach on our roach! (SINGING) You've got to run like an antelope out of control (MUSIC STOPS) (PEOPLE MURMURING) Okay, okay.
Hold on.
Hold on.
(SNIFFS) I smell marijuana smoke.
That better be medicinal! If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are out of here! We can wait all night, people.
Here we go.
(MUMBLES GRAVELY) Whoa! This guy is seriously ill.
My doctor never told me that.
I had to hear it from Phish.
(SINGING) A one, a-two, a you-know-what-to-do Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run You've got to run like an antelope out of control Thank you.
And now, a man who's a real pothead.
I'm sorry.
"Pothead.
" Homer Simpson! (PEOPLE CHEERING) Good afternoon.
I want to thank you all for coming down here, taking time off from your jobs.
Jobs? What? Jobs Because we need to keep medical marijuana legal! (ALL CHEERING) Whether you suffer from glaucoma or you just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make things fabulous, medically.
(CHEERING) So, my mellow fellow citizens, when you go into that voting booth on Tuesday, the seventh (PEOPLE MURMURING) Uh, Homer, that was yesterday.
Oh, man! They already voted! And we lost! (DISAPPOINTED SIGHS) Oh, man! I can't believe we spaced on the date! What are we gonna do? Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands, although Wow! That's right! I married that chick.
They call them fingers, but I never see them fing.
Oh, there they go.
There we go.
Dump all that medical marijuana on there.
(ALL SNIFFING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Actually, that smoke is a little too inviting.
Throw on that sack of barber hair.
(ALL COUGHING) I could've smoked that pot and worn that hair.
Homie, you don't need drugs anymore.
Your eyes are all better.
Eyes? What the hell are you talking about? I want my old dad back.
The one who was yelling all the time and You know, I'm not really sure what I want.
Homer, it's over.
I want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again.
All right, I'll do it for my kids.
As long as you're doing things for me, would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house? Never! Yeah, I can still crash here, right? Get out.
Remember when I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Get out.
(SIGHS DESPONDENTLY) What's the matter, Homer? You're drunk.
But you're not like sloppy drunk.
Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds.
Look, I'm really glad you're off the wacky-tobacky.
Yeah.
You were getting all spacey and everything.
We were gonna have an intervention.
Yeah.
But at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning.
I nearly died.
(LAUGHING) I was already making excuses not to go to your funeral.
It's been three days, and my mind is clearer.
My sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize simple shapes and patterns.
Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Unregardless, I will no longer be a slave to this! Why are you keeping that thing? As a reminder, Marge.
(RINGING) Yello.
Ahoy-hoy, Executive V.
P.
I'm putting the final touches on my speech to the investors.
And I need your generous guffaws.
But I can't find you funny anymore.
I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now, we're ordering out.
What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici? See you soon.
Don't worry, Homie.
You don't need Mary Jane to laugh at Mr.
Burns' jokes.
Just picture him naked.
(SHRIEKS) Or With a funny hat on! (SCREAMING) "So, profit margins will be thinner (CHUCKLING) "than Louise Brooks' negligee.
" You know, Louise Brooks, the silent star of Lulu.
(WHISPERING) One of us has got to start laughing.
If Mr.
Burns gets flop sweat, he'll die of dehydration.
I'm drenched with sweat.
I'm going to take a bathiola.
When I come back, you'd better be laughing.
This stuff can make anything funny, even that show that follows Friends.
But I promised my family I wouldn't smoke it anymore.
Well, I've got to do something.
Start inhaling, Waylon.
This suit used to belong to Judy Garland.
We could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.
You mean that guy on 60 Minutes who yells all the time? Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr.
Burns has been in the tub for an hour! (SCREAMING) Oh, Mr.
Burns! You were too beautiful for this world.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
We killed Mr.
Burns! Mr.
Burns is gonna be so mad! The investors meeting is in 20 minutes! So what? Mr.
Burns is dead! We can carry on.
Michael Eisner's been dead for five years.
Ted Turner's just a hologram.
Now, we got to think.
So, when somebody says I was an embarrassment to the country, I say, "It depends on what the meaning of 'was' is, jerk!" (CHUCKLING) You owe me $200,000.
Good night, everybody! Bill Clinton, everyone! He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude! And now, a man you will see is definitely not dead, Mr.
Montgomery Burns! (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) Mr.
Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions? Mr.
Burns, a two-part question.
One, when will you see a profit again? And two, what's that red stuff coming out of your ear? Mr.
Burns, may I field that one? It's true we're losing money.
But there's no reason we can't dance, dance, dance the night away! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (AUDIENCE GASPING) Mr.
Burns has left the building! ALL: We are mollified! We are mollified! Brilliant.
We lost $60 million and they're cheering for more.
(GASPS) Mr.
Burns, you're alive! Yes.
I regained consciousness during my big dance number.
Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.
And you wanted to take him to the hospital! Oh, and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown its fangs! Smithers, make me slap him! You call that a slap? Make me slap you.
Now, both.
Now, just you.
Now, give me a taste.
Now, both again.
MR.
BURNS: Now, all three.
(SLAPPING SOUNDS) Excellent.