The Simpsons s13e17 Episode Script

Gump Roast

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (RINGING) Hey.
(SCREAMING IN PAIN) (SCREAMING IN PAIN) Want a chocolate? Hold it right there, Forrest Plump! This town has laws against impersonating movie characters.
Oh, behave! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) "Luke, I am your father.
" (LAUGHING) "Shagadellic.
" What are you doing here anyway? Waiting for my wife.
She has a surprise for me.
Hey, hey, hey.
I didn't ask for your life story.
Did you say life story? Things started out great.
I ate what my mother ate.
And my mother loved chili.
Then suddenly (SCREAMING) Let go! Let go! Wow.
Tell me some more.
Don't you have criminals to catch? Hey, I'm working on it.
We We got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the mob.
Oh, there he is now.
Hey, Pete! Pete! They fixed the Coke machine! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Now where were we? My father and I were never really close.
"Jack and Jill went up the hill and "Jill came tumbling after.
The end.
" Good night.
Is that the same Jack from Jack And The Beanstalk? You know, Son, I believe it is.
And Jack Sprat, is that him, too? Say, how about a little NyQuil? All gone.
Hmm.
I never found true happiness until I met Marge.
Excuse me.
Is this Room 106? Hey, who's that? I I don't know.
(CLOSE TO YOU PLAYING) Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near? Just like me they long to be Hi.
Would you like to go She's mine! HOMER: We'd do everything together.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING) Ooh! (SHOUTING IN FEAR) (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) Wow.
A '50s nostalgia cafe.
(LAUGHING) Well, well, well! I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life.
You just won yourselves a motorcycle! Whoo-hoo! HOMER: And life just gets more exciting.
Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.
We've gotta get home before someone sees us.
You know, all this danger is kind of a turn Okay.
Then came the day that changes every couple forever.
The day we got our elephant.
(YAWNING) (GASPING) (GASPING) (EXCLAIMING) (TRUMPETING) (ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) While I wait for my family, I'll tell you about the time my baby shot my boss.
Hey, that's great, but I gotta get going.
Whoa! There's a whole 'nother row of these bad boys! Keep talking.
It's time for your surprise, Dad.
Yeah.
Hop in, Homer.
Ah.
The family car.
We've been through a lot together.
(CLANKING) (TRUCK HONKING) Get off the road, you freaking maniac! Yeah, you jackass! Homer, maybe I should drive.
What? I can see fine.
(CARS HONKING) (EXCLAIMING) (KIDS SCREAMING) HOMER: That had nothing to do with the bucket.
Homer, you genius! Geronimo! Huh? (SCREAMING) Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
(GASPING) All my other senses are getting sharper.
(SNIFFING) Bart, you had pizza for lunch.
(SNIFFING) Lisa, you're extremely depressed.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) As if.
Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice? Kathleen Turner! (PURRING) No! It's me, Krusty! And you're at the Springfield Friars Club where tonight we're roasting you, Homer Simpson! (ALL CHEERING) Are the proceeds going to charity? (SCOFFING) Hell, no! Whoo-hoo! We're all here tonight for one reason.
To keep Homer away from the buffet! (LAUGHING) Excellent.
(GASPING) That was at my expense! What kind of a roast is this? Now I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it.
First we have Mark Spitz.
Who's Mark Spitz? What's a telegram? Oh, forget it! I gotta get to the hot wings before the Comic Book Guy.
"You know, Lisa.
They say father knows best.
" "That's true, Bart.
" (READING) (LAUGHING) Excellent.
But seriously, we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years.
(RINGING DOORBELL) (SINGING) Joy to the world, the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King Let every Season's greetings.
Peace out.
(RINGING DOORBELL) (SINGING) Silent night (GLASS BREAKING) Holy night (HOMER YELLING) (SINGING LOUDLY) AII is calm (DOG GROWLING) All is bright HOMER: Oh, that hurts! (SNORING) BOTH: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No.
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? No! If I take you, will you two shut up and quit bugging me? Yeah.
Well Of course.
BOTH: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore? Yes! Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.
Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? (EXCLAIMING) Bart, what are you doing? Hey, what the All right.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up.
And it has.
(ALL LAUGHING) But it's all worth it just to hear him sing.
(SINGING) Shaving my shoulders I'm getting it all shaved off Max Power, he's the man whose name you'd love to touch But you mustn't touch His name sounds good in your ear But when you say it, you mustn't fear 'Cause his name can be said by anyone Max Power! I like pizza, I like bagels I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I get the picture.
I'll eat eggplant I could even eat a baby deer (SCATTING) Who's that baby deer on the lawn Enough already! Dancing away my hunger pangs Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way And now our next speaker is Mr.
Warmth himself, C.
Montgomery Burns! I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of Homer J.
Simpson.
(GASPING) Again and again he's brought this town to the brink of annihilation.
(ALL LAUGHING) Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children! (ALL LAUGHING) Just look at all of his catastrophic nincompoopery.
(LAUGHING) Poop.
LENNY: Get ready, everybody.
He's about to do something stupid.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show.
Now if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about (SPARKING) (ALL LAUGHING) (ALARM RINGING) (ALL SCREAMING) Get out of my way! Fire, fire, fire, fire Here comes one of our fellows now.
I think I won, Mr.
Burns.
Now here's a couple that's been dating.
Carbon dating! Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner! (ALL APPLAUDING) Sweet Toledo! What's keeping that dress on? The collective will of everyone in this room! (LAUGHING) Excellent.
You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me! I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn.
Little did I know he would soon become Mrs.
Joe DiMaggio and (SNORING) Roll the clips! Uh-oh.
Okay, don't panic.
Remember what the instructor said.
If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
(EXCLAIMING) Stupid sexy Flanders! Ow! My legs! This is the worst pain ever! (EXCLAIMING) Single.
(LAUGHING) How's he doing? I don't know.
I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
Faster, Marge! Faster! The snapping turtles are massing! Heads up! Coming through! Look out! Hey, volleyball! Can I play later? Hi, Apu.
Oh, dear! You have ruined my work, you flying fat man! (EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) Hey! (SIGHING IN RELIEF) Step on it, Mom! Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher! HOMER: Higher.
Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higher! I'm soaring! Soaring majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.
Higher, Marge! Higher! It won't go any Higher, I say! I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared! I want to look down on the clouds with contempt! I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on his Uh-oh.
Lower! Lower! There goes my turn.
Hey, Abe, you want to hook up after the show? Yeah! To a suicide machine! (LAUGHING) Now everyone knows Homer loves his family.
I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies! It's always secrets and lies! Homer, these people are professional roasters.
Don't give them fodder.
(SNORING) (MARGE GROANING) Secrets and lies! Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders! Thank you so much.
(SINGING) The Camptown ladies sing this song (SCATTING) Homer Simpson's breath is strong (SCATTING) Hey, hey! Now hold on there.
The nice people want to hear the real words.
But, Ned, I was singing the real words.
Oh, let's just take it from the top.
The Camptown ladies sing this song (SCATTING) The Camptown racetrack's five miles long That's better.
Homer's breath smells bad Oh, those are not the words! Silence! Cease all quips and comebacks! Look! You weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show! (SCREAMING) This can't be good for my pacemaker.
(ALL GASPING) What are you doing here? Our planet has been observing your puny species since your planet was created 5,000 years ago by God.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
And now humanity must be judged! The fate of your planet rests on one human being, Homer Simpson! Why him? Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man! Hey, he stole my bit! Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy.
Yep! Word for word.
Okay, let's see what we've got.
It has to be on Channel 3.
Yes, yes.
Oh, yeah.
That's a fine-looking D'oh! Okay, no big deal.
(SHRIEKING) Stupid Lisa! You gotta build fast.
Cement drying! All right, let's see.
English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le grill! What the hell is that? (STUTTERING) Come on, fit, you! (HOMER SIGHING) Yeah.
That's one fine-looking barbecue pit.
Why doesn't mine look like that? (SCREAMING) Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? (SCREAMING) How's your father's project coming along? I think he's almost done.
(SCREECHING) Yeah.
He's done.
Why you little (GRUNTING) DOCTOR: Better or worse? HOMER: Worse! DOCTOR: Better or worse? HOMER: Much better! Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! Ow! (BOTH PANTING) I'll mace you good! (SCREAMING) Your species is brutish and primitive! Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet? Wait! What about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind! (LAUGHING) Sure, let's give it a shot.
Oh, there's my sweet little Maggie.
Oh, Maggie.
You're a Simpson again.
(BURPING) You know, Maggie.
The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back.
I hope you never say a word.
Daddy.
(SOBBING) It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness! These are not tears! We are vomiting from our eyes! Your baby's treacle has only intensified our loathing! Wait! Look at the screen! The baby continues to reminisce.
(EXCLAIMING) Elton John! That's my name.
Well, not really.
Stephen Hawking! Stephen Hawking! Hi.
I'm Ron Howard.
(GASPING) Billy Baldwin! I'm Alec Baldwin.
Wait a minute.
Xena can't fly.
I told you, I'm not Xena.
I'm Lucy Lawless.
Oh.
Wow, Joe Namath! That's right.
My car broke down in front of your house.
NSYNC MEMBER: Yo, dudes! Awesome show! (GASPING) It's *NSYNC! (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Word! This child thinks of nothing but trendy Hollywood celebrities.
We can learn much from this innocent one.
Like Justin Timberlake's home phone number.
So I guess you can't destroy Earth, since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work here.
We will not destroy the Earth! On one condition.
You name it.
I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards! And tomorrow, the Daytime Emmys.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Oh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter! Could an Evening Shade reunion be in the works? (GASPING) There's Shannen Doherty.
Didn't you have a thing with her? Don't go there.
MAN: (SINGING) Ullman shorts, Christmas show Marge's fling, Homer's bro Bart in well, Flanders fails Whacking snakes, monorail Mr.
Plow, Homer space Sideshow Bob steps on rakes Lisa's future, Selma's hubby Marge not proud, Homer chubby Homer worries Bart is gay Poochie, U2, NRA Hippies, Vegas, and Japan Octuplets and Bart's boy band Marge murmurs, Maude croaks Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes Maggie blows Burns away What else do I have to say? They'll never stop the Simpsons Have no fears We've got stories for years Like Marge becomes a robot Maybe Moe gets a cell phone Has Bart ever owned a bear? Or how about a crazy wedding where something happens and (SCATTING) Sorry for the clip show Have no fears We've got stories for years