The Simpsons s13e21 Episode Script

Frying Game

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes.
But what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi? I cannot listen to this again! Guys, I just ordered my wife the greatest anniversary present.
A koi pond! A koi pond? Yeah.
A meditative lily pond with big, beautiful fish that fry up really good.
That's the perfect gift.
You don't even have to feed the fish, 'cause squirrels drown in it.
You got this husband thing down, Homer.
You must be some kind of marriage super genius.
How about a few tips? Certainly, Lenford.
Make every day a celebration of your love.
Surprise her with a pasta salad.
Put a mini-beret on your wang.
This stuff is gold.
Happy marriage, here I come.
This'll really help with my speed dating.
I got 400 no's.
I can't wait to see my surprise! Hey, hey, hey! No peeking! Happy anniversary, Marge! (GASPS) A koi pond! It's beautiful! Oh, you sweet, wonderful man-child.
I finally have a peaceful place to sit and hear my own thoughts.
MARGE: How much money did he piss away on this? (SCREAMING) What was that? (SCREAMING) What the hell is that noise? That caterpillar is screaming.
The poor thing's in pain.
What he needs is a visit from kindly old Doctor Foot.
Hold it right there, Doctor Foot.
You're about to kill an endangered species, the screamapillar, which has chosen your yard as its home.
Fine, I won't kill it.
Finish the job.
Simpson, allowing an endangered species to die is a federal offense under the Reversal of Freedoms Act of 1994.
You are now legally responsible for the safety and well-being of this screamapillar.
(SCREAMING) Everything you need to know is in this pamphlet.
Look at all this stuff.
"Without constant reassurance, it will die.
"It's sexually attracted to fire.
" Are you sure God doesn't want it to be dead? Hey, what's God gonna do? Make my wife leave me again? (SCREAMAPILLAR SCREAMING) What does he want now? If he wants to sleep with us, forget it! (BURPS) (YELLING) Put him down, boy! Put him down! (MEOWING) "Once upon a time there were three bears.
"The end.
" (SCREAMING) Oh, fine! I'll go back to the beginning! (GASPS) Oh, no! I crushed that horrible bug! What should I do? Bury it, quickly, before anyone finds out.
I'm gonna tell! The hell you will! (GRUNTS) Now we're in it together.
There's no going back.
(CHUCKLING) BOTH: Yeah! (HELICOPTER APPROACHING) Stop what you're doing! Why don't I hear any screaming? He's sleeping! Then why don't I hear any sleep screams? Well, the thing about that is (MUFFLED SCREAMING) Woo-hoo! He's alive! (LAUGHS) Now you can't punish me.
Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours of community service.
(EXCLAIMS) Next case.
Duffman v.
Duff Brewing Corporation.
Duffman's pension has been mismanaged! Oh, yeah! Objection.
That party-hearty attitude is a registered trademark of the Duff Corporation.
Whatever happened to fair use? Lousy community service! Meals on Wheels! Eat it up or I go to jail.
Didn't these meals used to have a cobbler? They discontinued the cobbler.
You smell like cobbler.
Now let's not get into who smells like what.
(SCREAMS) Oh, I can't let you leave now.
Safe and sound.
(SHRIEKS) That's better.
(SHRIEKS) Thank God I'm out of matches! Oh, no.
Here's another one.
Please don't kill me! I won't tell anyone about the skeleton! And I could bring you more victims! Like Lenny! He'd go great with wild rice! Oh, don't be such a nervous Pervis.
That's not a real skeleton, it's a Halloween costume.
But what about the ax? Oh, don't be silly.
I just use that to chop through those tough Meals on Wheels steaks.
Oh, I couldn't possibly eat all this.
Please join me.
You're the shut-in.
So I threw the SuperBall so hard it hit the ceiling twice, then broke a lamp! (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, Homer, I feel like I'm talking to Bennett Cerf.
Yeah, I've gotten a lot of compliments about my talking.
Before you go, would you mind opening this jar of butter pickles? My pleasure.
(GRUNTS) Oh, my.
You're as strong as you are handsome.
And I can ride my bike real fast.
Aren't you a wonder? Can I call you the next time I need a muscular he-man? Hey! I'm not running an employment service, you old Oh, you mean me? I'd be delighted.
(PHONE RINGS) Yello? Hi, Mrs.
No, I'm not doing anything.
I can mow your lawn.
Cover for me.
Yes, Mrs.
I'll be right there.
That woman is taking advantage of you.
And we need you to do things around here.
The oven light is out.
And you never finished filling up the aquarium.
Marge, I can't say no to a helpless old lady.
They put spells on you! Fine.
I'll go talk to her.
Homer's family needs him, too.
And that's that! Oh, Marge, you're such a good woman to care so much about your husband.
All I have left of my Chester is his tattered old Army jacket.
Let me sew that up for you.
Make sure you double stitch.
Then do these socks.
Darn her socks? I say darn her! I'll do them and then I'm out of here.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Did you hear that Gertie had a terrible fall outside the thrift store? Oh! She would fall there! (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, who do I have to gum to get a refill? (ALL LAUGHING) Freshen your drinks, ladies? Laxative? Yeah.
Mother, may I read a magazine while I wait in the car? Don't you read enough at school, bookworm? (ALL LAUGHING) (GROANS) I am so sick of doing her dirty work.
She's taking advantage of us, Homer! The Missus prefers you call me Simpson.
(WOMAN SCREAMING) She's got a set of lungs on her.
(BOTH GASP) Are you all right? That man took my diamond necklace.
(LAUGHING) Don't worry.
You're gonna be just fine.
(MOANING) Oh, my gosh.
She's dead! (STUTTERING) So let me get this straight.
This mysterious man with braces just stabbed the old lady and disappeared? Without a trace.
Found her will, Chief.
It was just changed to leave the Simpsons $50,000.
So it's a good thing she died, from our point of view, financially.
Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with Did you do it? Chief Wiggum! Homer and I are innocent! I'm sorry, Marge.
I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an Did you do it? No! Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be Does that ever work? No.
No, never does.
Book him, Lou.
Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
I'll be back on the streets by dinnertime.
You'll see.
And the elephant that couldn't stop laughing was put to death.
Speaking of death, octogenarian Myrna Bellamy was brutally murdered last night.
The top suspects, her disgruntled servants, Homer and Marge Simpson.
BART AND LISA: Hmm? Top suspects? Oh, dear.
Now everyone will think Homer and I did it.
The real killer is the man with the braces.
If Dad killed everyone he talked about killing, would any of us be here? You'd be dead a million times.
(ALL LAUGHING) CARL: Do you really think Homer could be a killer? I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years could do such a horrible thing.
Well, we've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill.
You just have to drown it out.
(SINGING) I've been working on the railroad all the livelong day Yeah, that's better.
Oh, man.
What a day! I'd kill for a beer.
(ALL GASPING) Right away, sir.
I don't want no trouble.
I'd stab somebody for a pickle.
Give me some peanuts.
You didn't say you'd kill me.
I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts.
(STUTTERING) Here you go, mister.
Today's readings come from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, maybe just Matthew and Mark.
(CLEARING THROAT) Amen! (CAR TIRES SCREECHING) Next on the Springfield Death Tour is the home of Marge and Homer Simpson, also known as "H-Diddy and his Murder Ho.
" (ALL GASPING) Go away! Wait, wait! That's a suggestion, not a threat.
Homer! What? It goes right by our house.
This is ridiculous.
You've been through my delicates, my silkies, my dainties, and my unmentionables! I insist on searching every inch of this home personally.
Here's my underwear drawer.
Where's that robot? Hey, Chief.
You better get in here.
(GASPS) Mrs.
Bellamy's necklace! Homer and Marge Simpson, you're under arrest for the murder of Myrna Bellamy.
Homer, what are we going to do? You know, Chief, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe.
Think again, dirtbag.
Because I can just swipe it later from the evidence locker! Yeah, your wife's gonna look pretty good in that, Chief.
She's a super lady.
I can't believe we've been arrested for murder.
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll cut us a deal by becoming a jailhouse snitch.
I know who stopped up the toilet.
(GROANS) Now don't worry, kids.
You'll be placed with a caring foster family.
Young'uns, meet your new brother and sister.
They's worth five dollars a day county money.
I'm Bart.
And this is Lisa.
Them's city names.
From now on, you're Dingus Squatford Jr.
and Pamela E.
But I like my old name.
You hush up, Dingus! They hated the victim.
Her death earned them $50,000.
And the necklace was found in their home.
Does the defense have any closing remarks? Well, not at this time, Your Honor.
This is the only time.
Well, then no.
Foreman, have you reached a verdict? Verdict? Is that what we were supposed to do? (STUTTERING) Well, in all my years on the bench 'Cause that's what we did! You juries.
Gonna be the How do you find? We find the defendants guilty.
(GASPING) Homer and Marge Simpson, I sentence you to death in the electric chair! But we're innocent! It was the man with the braces! Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! Play it! We appreciate your coming to comfort us.
But we're not Catholic.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Well, then I hope you enjoy your stay in hell.
Nice dress.
Oh, go home and have sex with your wife! That's it.
Bring it on! Why you little (GRUNTING) Come on, you sainted How can you have such an appetite at a time like this? Let's just say I'm planning a little surprise for the execution.
This cannon is gonna be full when I go off.
Ka-boom! You know, this is our last night and our cells are side by side.
It's hard to get in the mood with all those murderous eyes staring at us.
Just think of them as twinkling stars.
Homie, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I just keep thinking about everything we're gonna miss.
The kids growing up.
(SOBBING) I want to confess.
I killed and robbed the old lady all by myself.
Marge is completely innocent.
The only thing she's guilty of is loving too much.
The murder I did.
Congratulations, Mrs.
Your husband confessed to everything.
You're free to go.
Oh, my love.
You saved my life.
Now you do it for me.
Dead man walking on the green mile! Give me your hands, boss.
I'll kill you! I killed them other people, and I'll kill you, too! You want some cornbread, Mr.
Jingles? Well, you can forget it.
Because I'm gonna kill you! (LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes, Governor! No, Governor.
It's not too late.
Yes, Governor.
I'll tell him right away.
The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher! Oh, yes! Oh.
Chin up, Homer.
We've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Marge.
I'll always love you.
Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show, Frame Up! (GASPS) It's the man with the braces! I'm also your host.
Now let's meet a ghost.
Bellamy? There never was a Mrs.
Only me, Carmen Electra! I knew it! And I'm some actor they hired! Frame Up is Fox's latest hit, right after No Pants Island and Fart Date! This whole thing was a joke? I've never been so relieved! Relieved and angry.
So wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You tied up the judicial system, costing the city millions of dollars, just for a TV show? Yes.
And I'm gonna be in the show? Yes! Can Eddy and Lou have producer credits? Yup! Now what are your last names? We don't have them.
We're like Cher.
Oh, Homie.
I'm so lucky to be married to such a selfless and loving man.
Mom, Dad! Thank God you're okay! We were in the greenroom.
I had so much shrimp.
Well, I'm glad everyone's all right.
But I think you should be ashamed.
Toying with a human life for TV ratings.
Uh, Homer.
My face is up here.
I've made my choice.

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