The Simpsons s13e22 Episode Script

Papa's Got a Brand New Badge

So sticky.
(GROANING) Marge? I'm back here.
Ah, the old folks.
It happens every heat wave.
Okay, people, out of my freezer! (ALL GROANING) But we're hot and elderly! I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased.
Don't you go too far.
(CHUCKLING) (CHILDREN CHATTERING) This air conditioning is better than any truant officer.
I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years.
(GIGGLING) Oh, Arthur.
(MACHINERY RUMBLING) We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.
Hey-oh! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar.
Burns, can your plant handle it? No problem.
We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage.
Who are they going to complain to? Their parents? But, sir, we're at full capacity.
One more appliance could overload the system.
(SCOFFS) Fear not.
Our town has dodged disaster, and I have come out smelling like guest-room soap.
(SIMPSONS GRUNTING) You know what will cool this place down? A little touch of winter.
Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win! (JINGLE BELL ROCK PLAYING) (SINGING) Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell what? Dad, it's a blackout.
A blackout? Oh.
Every time Santa and I get together, it's a disaster.
MOE: Oh, no, the power's out? We'll miss Fox's Celebrity Boxing! BARNEY: I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley versus Mister Ed.
It's terrible, all the traffic lights are out.
Driving sure is dangerous.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I got some yuppie jerkoff headed right for me, yakking away on his cell phone.
I hear that.
I got some big shot barreling down on me.
Hey! Who are you talking to? Your boyfriend? Hey, jackass! Your voice sounds familiar! (SCREAMING) I don't hear an alarm.
Let's take stuff.
Whoa! Isn't that stealing? No, it's just looting.
Let's go nuts.
MAN: (SINGING) Hot town, summer in the city Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty Mannequins.
You can't buy these! Oh! Look at all these tube socks! But at night it's a different world Go out and find a girl Come on, come on and dance all night Despite the heat it'll be all right And, babe, don't you know it's a pity That the days can't be like the nights (LAUGHING) Oh, crap! (ALL SHOUTING) (PLAYING MARCHING TUNE) Kent, this city has exploded in a fireball of pent-up rage! I think what the viewers want to know, Arnie, is, is my house okay? You mean, is your giant castle okay, Kent? Don't hate me because I bought at the right time, Arnie.
When's my right time, Kent? When's my right time? Oh, no! They're stealing the tire fire! ALL: Ow! Ow! (POLICE SIREN WAILING) Finally, some repression.
CLANCY: All right, everyone! Disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force! What, what? We're not prepared, Eddie? (ALL SHOUTING) CLANCY: Someone call 911.
EDDIE: Oh, they never come.
(SIGHING) Thus ends the rule of law.
Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them! Please, can I throw one little No.
What if I just burn down a No.
Can I at least incite further No.
I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus.
No more irresponsible behavior.
Can I have a beer? All right.
But not the imported.
Homer? You've got to set limits, Marge.
No beer! (BELL TOLLING) Get your T-shirts here! "I survived the Springfield riot!" (SCREAMING) Remember me as a hero.
(ALL SHOUTING) The looters stole me glass eye! This be a superball.
Back in my day, we had people who stood up to ruffians.
We called them men.
I agree with the hideous crone! Yeah! Hear, hear! She's ugly! I think I speak for myself, Comic Book Guy and Bumblebee Man when I say, I blame Chief Clancy Wiggum! Yeah! Yeah.
You know, it's not just my fault.
You were the ones doing all the looting.
Oh, sure.
Blame the victims.
Throw some Nikes at his head.
What size? People, rest assured the police department's ineptitude shall not stand.
I am announcing the formation of a blue-ribbon committee.
(ALL GASPING) A committee? Did he say blue-ribbon? Committees don't get any better than that.
Man, am I appeased.
So, can we keep the stuff we stole? I think that's implied.
(CHUCKLING) I don't care what they say.
I won't feel safe in this town until we have better police.
Wiggum couldn't catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party.
Dad Oh! Seriously, everyone says your parties rock.
Homer, this is all your fault.
If you hadn't plugged in your dancing Santa, none of this would have happened.
I admit it.
I did screw up.
But I won't feel guilty until I can put a human face on this.
Mom! Dad! Someone stole my Malibu Stacy collection! Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face? Yes, and she's crying.
(CRYING) That's it! Nobody messes with my little girl! I'm going to find those dolls! Are you gonna call the police? Oh! Forget it! They couldn't catch a cold with a cold-catching thing.
See, when you don't use Milhouse, it's hard.
I love this kid.
All right, I've come up with a composite sketch of my prime suspect.
Behold! Dad, that's Bart.
Look at him over there, eating that apple.
What's he planning? What? Maybe we should look for clues.
You're right.
(GASPING) What's this? A cap! From The Wooly Bully.
Do you sell hats? Yeah.
To people? People with heads? Maybe.
Dude, I need a new cap.
Ah-ha! Did you steal dolls from my daughter? I think they demean women! Well, think again, son.
You're going to juvie.
But I just got out of juvie.
Good! 'Cause I need directions.
Well, you'll be happy to know Malibu Stacy's fine.
I really appreciate what you did, Dad.
You said you'd do something and you followed through on it.
Hey, you know, stopping criminals is fun.
I felt like a big man pushing that kid around! Yo, empty the register, dude.
Okay, okay, you're the boss.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Silent alarm activated! Oh! That's it! (GASPING) HOMER: No cops in sight.
If I'm gonna save that clerk, I'm gonna have to take the law into my own hands again.
Cheese! (EXCLAIMING) That's muy picante! Homer, you are so brave.
If anyone deserves to take a penny, it is you.
Well Well, no.
Come on, come on, there's only one in there.
You know, I've had a lot of jobs.
Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary.
But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
If you like protecting people, you can make that your job.
You know, start a security company.
(GASPING) Finally, a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people! Fellas, I'm starting my own private police force.
Will you join me? Well, who would my partner be? How about Lenny? BOTH: Him? No way! You'll do as I say, or I'll have your badges! Once I make and give you your badges.
Flanders? I was able to find your missing leaf-blower, belt-sander and morning newspapers.
Well, nice work, Inspector Find-It! Did you catch the thief? Who said it was a he? Well, I sure didn't.
Who said you did? Nobody.
Wrong answer! Let's go! Okely-dokely.
You're pushing your luck, pal.
HOMER: (EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY) Here's my commercial! (SCREAMING) A monster! Is this you? If it is, don't dial 911.
Simply dial Help me, SpringShield! Have no fear, SpringShield's present! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) Thank you, SpringShield! Friend? The only friend you need is SpringShield.
Monster put in wallet.
That commercial is very effective.
You know, the old lady's apartment was actually Lenny's.
We just used a different duvet cover.
Well, they're both lovely.
Hey, Officer Homer, how'd you get so big and strong? Green vegetables and homework.
Oh, shucks! Hey-a, Officer Homer.
You look-a hungry.
I shine-a you up a nice big pizza.
Wow! Look at Dad.
People really respect him.
Hold your heads up high, kids.
(BONES CRACKING) I didn't know my chin went that far up.
(BONES CRACKING) Oh, yeah, that's the pride.
Homie, to honor Springfield's newest hero, I made you your favorite dinner.
All three courses are dessert.
Even dessert? Dessert is three desserts.
Mayor, you've been unflinching in your support of Chief Wiggum.
Yes, I still believe in our duly appointed police force.
Behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size-46 pants.
Wiggum? (GLASS SHATTERING) (CHUCKLING) Am I getting warmer? Clancy, you're a disgrace! And in my blind rage, I hereby turn over all this town's police duties to Homer Simpson and SpringShield! Woo-hoo! I'm Chief of Police! Police? Uh-oh.
Oh, wait.
It was better the other way.
Now that I am the law, I'm gonna make a lot of changes around here.
First, I'm gonna cut overhead by freeing Otis, the lovable town drunk.
You can let me go, but I'll just keep exposing myself at the mall.
What a character.
Cool! A lie detector! Lisa is a dork.
Lisa is a dork.
Dad, make him stop! Well, according to this, he's telling the truth.
(SQUEAKING) Hurry up, boys.
We've got to get these toy poodles to the pet shop.
All right, Fat Tony! Your little game is over.
Hey, how'd you find us? One of these ferrets is wearing a wire.
(BEEPING) You're not a pet and you're not a friend.
You're nothing to me.
With this latest arrest, Springfield is now free of crime.
Although overrun with ferrets.
Happy days, people.
Truly happy days.
Daddy, how come you're not at work? I don't know.
How come you're not at school? My teacher says she's tired of trying.
Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie.
So am I.
MARTY: It's Bill and Marty on the line right now with Springfield's very own Fat Tony.
FAT TONY: I wish to announce that my associates and I will gun down Homer Simpson if he has not left town by noon tomorrow.
(ALL GASPING) BILL: Wow, that's quite a threat! Do you have a song request? FAT TONY: Radar Love.
If that thug thinks he can run me out of town Oh, man, I love this song! (SINGING) I've been drivin' all night and I've got sweat on the wheel (HUMMING) There's a voice in my head that drives my heel (HUMMING) It's my baby callin' on the telephone (HUMMING) I got some pizza and I'm bringing it home (HUMMING) You all know me.
I've kept the streets safe for you and your children.
I've tricked or treated at many of your houses.
Last year, I was Jar Jar Binks.
Now, who will stand and fight with me? (MAN COUGHING) I'm with you, Homer.
Shut up, Flanders.
Anyone else? What about you, Dr.
Hibbert? Oh! Well, I'd love to help you, Homer, but I have too darn much to live for.
I just discovered Thai food.
I'd help you, but I have yet to kiss a human girl.
And I've got a TiVo full of unwatched Dharma and Gregs.
Sorry, Homer.
I'm a coward now, like all recovering alcoholics.
After everything I did, you're going to abandon me? (MAN COUGHING) Homie, please, why don't you just leave town? What? And let them come after you and the kids? We could come with you.
In one car? With no air conditioning? And the little poop machine going every 20 minutes? (BELL TOLLING) I need you guys to help me! Why'd you lock yourselves in? Hey, why does anyone do anything? The point is, what's done is done.
My Jersey muscle.
It's so good to see you.
Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips? I ain't sayin' nothin'.
I understand.
How is your mother? (EXCLAIMING) Who says I have a mother? Very well.
Let's do this thing.
(WOKE UP THIS MORNING PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) You woke up this morning Got yourself a gun Mama always said you'd be The Chosen One She said, "You're one in a million "You got to burn to shine" But you were born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eyes And you woke up this morning And all that love had gone Your papa never told you about right and wrong But you're looking good, baby I believe you're feeling fine Shame about it Born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eyes So, sing it now Woke up this morning You got a blue moon Got a blue moon in your eyes (GASPING) Is your husband at home? Fat Tony, how can you do this? Sorry, but this is the business we've chosen.
But you're just perpetuating a negative Italian-American stereotype.
I mean, you could be a pizza man, organ grinder, leaning-tower maker, and did I say pizza man? You are listing my broken dreams.
I don't get it.
I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid, or corrupt and now I'm going to get killed for it.
(CLOCK CHIMING) (EXHALING) Any last words, Simpson? Yeah.
You can kill me, but someone will take my place.
And if you kill him, someone will take his place.
And that's pretty much the end of it.
The town will be yours.
All right, let's do it! Dibs on the crotch.
ALL: Oh! (GUN FIRES) He's got backup! Somebody does care! Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter? I see a lot of things.
You know, you could be a little more helpful.
(GUN CONTINUES FIRING) (ALL GROANING) Oh! Homie, I'm so glad you're alive! Yeah, but this town doesn't deserve me.
I'm giving this badge to the next guy I see.
That's funny.
Because this is how I got the job the first time.
I'm so glad this all worked out.
Thanks for saving my husband, Chief.
Hey, I didn't shoot anybody.
They took my gun, they took my badge.
Hell, they would've taken my squad car if I hadn't hid it under some hay.
Well, then, who shot all the gangsters? I must have a guardian angel.
With a rifle.
MARGE: Time to check in on our little sweetie pie.
She's taking a nap.
Yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot Mr.
(LAUGHING) She's just like Clark Kent.
When there's lots of excitement, she's nowhere to be found.
Nighty-night, sweetie.
(WOKE UP THIS MORNING PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) You woke up this morning Got yourself a gun
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