The Simpsons s14e01 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XIII

Ha, ha, I don't know, neighborinos.
I'm all for Halloween fun but a séance sounds a little PG-13.
But this is your chance to contact your late wife, Maude.
Well, I do miss the missus.
Maude Flanders, we the living beseech you to appear.
Ned I'm back.
Give me a kiss.
Chill out, dudes.
It's me, Bart Simpson.
What are you looking at? Maude.
You still look as pretty as the day I buried you.
Are you ready for tales that will shatter your spine and boil your blood? - Well, duh.
- Then choke on these! Treehouse of Horror 13 Now to spend some quality time away from my family.
I've got a list of things for you to do.
- My favorite is number three.
- Oh, I'd love to.
But someone made me too many pancakes and now I have to sleep them off.
Oh, those were for the Church breakfast.
Were they now? Hammocks.
Get your hammocks.
The hammock man.
I'm glad he's a little early today.
The price is $10.
But I must warn you, this is no ordinary hammock.
Its webbing is a mesh of comfort and evil.
You had me at "comfort.
" Mm-hm.
Hmm, Mr.
Hammock, say hello to Madam Ass.
Unh! What the? It made another me.
- How cool is that? - Wa.
Hmm, no bellybutton.
Shuttle's in the hangar.
You wanna be my slave? Outstanding.
Oh, uh Mm-hm.
Speed it up, ugly.
Eh, he had a good run.
I'm gonna need help with this.
Hmm.
Beer for me? No, you've got chores to do.
Chores? Me need clone.
Wait a minute.
Wow, four of me.
I think this could be a magic hammock.
And it just might be the answer to my problems.
Uh What do you think, Homer? Does this make my hips look big? Outfit good, flatters butt.
Oh, aren't you a dear? Then after World War II, it got kind of quiet till Superman challenged FDR to a race around the world.
FDR beat him by a furlong.
Or so the comic books would have you believe.
The truth lies somewhere in between Me good dad.
Hmm.
Does Dad seem a little dumber than usual? Me not notice.
Homie, you've been such a sweetheart today.
Let's go upstairs and - I'll take it from here, fake-o.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
Unh! - Unh! Why you little Aah! Man, are we evenly matched.
Me concur.
It would take three clones to beat the original Homer.
Hmm.
Huh, I mean four.
- Oh.
- Suckers.
Kids, your father made us breakfast.
Yay! - Go, go, go.
- Okay.
Say, Homer, I was, uh I was wondering if I could borrow that chainsaw you, uh, stole from me.
Yeah, but you have to leave a credit card.
- No problem.
Discover okay? - Ned.
Okay, here's my Amex.
Mm-hm.
Homie, I must say you have the energy of 20 men lately.
Twenty-three.
Today, I'm gonna mow the lawn, do my taxes, shoot hoops with Bart and girl it up with Lisa.
Aw.
Oh, I gotta get rid of these guys.
Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield does anyone remember the way home? I do.
Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on.
Okay, everyone out.
Now to make sure this hammock never troubles anyone again.
Ooh.
Mm? Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milk shakes.
Ah, look at that corn.
Old Gil's hard work is finally paying off.
Well, at least I got my health.
Aw.
Beer, beer, beer.
Like comedy clubs in the late '80s, these ravenous clones are everywhere.
They've destroyed every building in town except Moe's Tavern, which is reporting record business.
Now, uh, who's gonna be picking up the tab? Lenny.
Anything for Homers.
Dad, is there something you'd like to tell us about this horde? You'd think so, but no.
They look like you, they were rude to Patty and Selma and the horde has been described as very gassy.
Yeah, it's a good group.
Currently the, uh, Vietcong I mean, the, uh, Homers are occupying these areas.
By tomorrow Good God, we're doomed.
No! We're out of doughnuts.
That's it.
I know exactly what we should do.
Thank God.
And you said we shouldn't let little girls in the war room.
Look, I was wrong, okay? Mm, doughnuts.
Want doughnut.
- Doughnut.
- Chocolate.
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Son of a D'oh! Thank you, general.
That's a big relief.
The horde is almost dead.
There's still some writhing and twitching.
- But that should stop by morning.
- Good news.
Mm.
One handsome hubby is all I need.
No bellybutton? You're a clone.
- Then the real homer - First over cliff.
My Homie's dead? How will I go on? You like back rub? Oh, well.
And if you can't be With the one you love Love the one you're with Goldie, you were more than just a goldfish.
- You were a member of the family.
- Rest in peace, pal.
"William H.
Bonney.
" "Gunned down July 14, 1881.
Aged 21.
" So young.
"I dream of a world without guns.
" Don't we all, William? Lisa has a dead boyfriend.
He's not my dead boyfriend.
He is a dead boy who happens to be my friend.
Mr.
Bonney, I'm gonna make your dream come true.
If not for guns, poor William Bonney might've become a doctor or a senator.
Or a frustrated novelist.
Ha, ha, sure.
The point is let's stop the madness and ban guns now.
Yeah! Yeehaw! The girl's right.
I'm sorry.
I can't live without passion.
Well, well, not so tough without your gun, are you, Snake? Ow.
I guess you are.
That's what I like about this job, you learn stuff.
Twenty-eight, 29.
There's one missing.
Not Mr.
Blastie.
It's okay, boy.
You'll be shooting angels in heaven.
Well, boys, now it's our turn.
Uh, this always made me feel like a man, you know? Now all I got is my enormous genitals.
Three cheers for a gun-free Springfield! - Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! Springfield's weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding.
The bumps tickle my bottom.
I proudly declare our town utterly defenseless.
If only poor William Bonney were here to see his dream come true.
Oh, but I am.
William Bonney? Better known as Billy the Kid.
Ha-ha-ha! Looks like the only guns left are in my cold dead hands.
Now, I'd like you to meet the Hole in the Ground Gang.
Frank and Jesse James.
- The Sundance Kid.
- Aah! - What happened to Butch Cassidy? - "What happened to Butch Cassidy?" We're not joined at the hip.
And the most evil German of all time, Kaiser Wilhelm.
Huh? He ain't no cowboy.
Sure I am.
Yippy, wippy, wippy.
Okay, he's in.
Now, let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor then rob the poor and shoot the money.
Play us some "pian-ee.
" That's piano! I said, "pian-ee.
" You, play the "cell-ee.
" You, sing a song about cattle rustling.
And you, sing one about, uh, robbing banks.
Calf's in the field So you sneak up slow Grab him by the tail And go, man, go Break into the bank And snatch that dough Please don't hurt our family Marge, let me do a solo.
This could be my big break.
I very much doubt that, Homer.
These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Hey, so are the Grammy judges.
Ha-ha-ha, ugh! Pardon the grabbing but I've perfected a device that could save us all.
A time machine.
We can go back to the past and save our guns.
Give me.
Uh, for flailing out loud, I hope he doesn't do anything to ruin the space-time continuum.
That's all Oh, dear.
Poor William Bonney might have become a doctor or a senator.
Hear me, people of the past.
Hey, everyone, that's us.
I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope.
Grab your guns and follow me.
- Yeah! - All right! Dad, what are you doing? Ooh, how to explain this to a child? Hmm.
Future Daddy needs to double kill these corpses so they won't come back as zombies and Get him! Another tragedy prevented by gun violence.
I guess guns really are the answer.
Hear me, people of Springfield.
I come from yet another distant future where gun violence has destroyed the very Earth itself.
What is this, open mike night? Hah! Now to get me some caveman hookers.
Tell me again why we're spending our vacation on the Island of Lost Souls.
Hey, what could be more fun than an island shaped like a big smiley face? Welcome to my island.
Dr.
Hibbert? But we heard you'd gone mad.
Yes, completely mad.
About providing topnotch vacation values.
Ha-ha-ha.
Willie, help them with their bags.
Now, he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Ha, ha.
I've been around Scotsmen.
Homer, someone's in trouble.
Hey, I'm on vacation.
Dr.
Hibbert, this is a topnotch resort.
Can you recommend some activities? Well, one activity you might enjoy is not asking questions.
But man's inquisitive nature is what separates us from the animals.
Why must we be separated? Think what Shakespeare might've accomplished if he'd had the eyes of an eagle or could spray stink on his critics.
Now, who'd like some turkey? It's a lovely nerd I mean "bird.
" No! Wait a minute now.
Guess what, I'm dying, ha, ha with the basting and the butterballing and the chestnut stuffing in my pupik.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Death.
Homie, something very creepy is going on here.
They're gonna try to sell us timeshares? I think I'm going to do a little sleuthing.
Bring back some ice.
"House of pain.
" This must be where you pay the bill.
Why am I always so funny when no one's around? Oh, I'm around.
Unh.
What's up, honey? Want a little loving? Woo-hoo, quite a tiger there.
Easy, easy.
Ha, ha, I guess it has been a while.
Okay, that hurts more than it tickles.
Quiet, youse.
Isn't vacation sex always the best? Marge, you were like a wild beast.
So voracious and prowly.
And I've never seen you use your tail like that.
What the? Oh, my God.
She's become a monster.
Which I have to admit, I sort of suspected during the sex.
Gotta find a way to change Marge back.
And replace the M&M'S I took from the minibar.
Hey, Homer.
Flanders.
Oh, a perfect vacation ruined.
Hate to be a needy Neddy, but could you do me a favor? - Hmm.
- Milk me.
Uh, I really don't wanna do that, Ned.
Oh, come on, Homer.
All I'm asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk.
- Ugh, fine.
Ooh, that's nice.
You're actually quite gentle when you wanna be.
You know, you're not helping.
In the jungle, the creepy jungle Homer rides a freak Shh.
Hey.
Huh! What's that? I'm a dog.
Hear me, accursed brethren.
I understand that some of you are still wearing tattered pants.
Please, throw them on the bonfire and embrace your animal essence.
Okay, but I'm keeping the tattered vest.
I still have my dignity.
Hey, slops.
Ooh, a toenail.
Ha, ha.
I can't believe it.
Hibbert's turned you all into human guinea pigs.
We prefer "Italian-American pigs.
" Hey, Dad, check it out.
"Eat my shorts"? Why, you little Maggie.
Lisa.
Ugh! We were just playing.
What game? Let's Eat Maggie.
Manimals, inverta-broads.
You must fight back against the one who did this to you.
Yar, the half-man, half-gorilla speaks the truth.
Now, I admit I made a few mistakes, but all in the name of progress.
Hear, hear.
- It's Mr.
Burns.
- With a fox attitude.
Think about it, my hideous children.
Aren't you better off now than you were as humans? Me gusto pollen.
Disco Shrew can still boogaloo.
You guys are nuts.
All you can do is eat and sleep and mate, and roll around in your own filth and mate and eat Where do I sign up? So how do you like being a walrus, Dad? It's great.
I haven't been this skinny since high school.
Homie, someone owes me a back scratch.
Look at that island shaped like our number four.
Makes you think.