The Simpsons s14e03 Episode Script

Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade

The Simpsons Bart vs.
Lisa vs.
The Third Grade D'oh! Ah! Welcome back to Animal Survivor.
Okay, tribes, it's been a rough week.
Rhino, you lost the tribe's fishing equipment.
And we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion-gazelle alliance.
Oh, I hate reality shows.
A year ago, you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
I've grown.
You haven't.
And now we're back to Touch the Stove.
So, Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards.
Uh, yeah, it all started when - Touch the stove.
- Aah! I can't take any more of these shows.
If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at.
Networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors.
Stupid writers and actors, priced yourselves right out of the business.
Nice going, geniuses.
Let's get one of those satellite dishes.
Then we can stop suckling on the six-network teat.
Get back, honky cat.
Those systems are too expensive.
Marge, we can't pinch pennies on the machine that's going to be raising our children.
Come on, kids.
Daddy knows a way to get some money with no risk.
And the winner by a nose is No Risk.
Woo-hoo! Okay.
Now all we have to do is install your satellite dish.
Can you be home from 8 a.
m.
Monday morning - through June? - No problem.
Hey, Flanders, check out my new satellite dish.
Boy, that's jim-dandy roof candy.
I'd love to come over and watch that Church Channel.
- I bet you would.
- Oh, you'd win that bet.
I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view.
Or as I like to call it, "pray-per-view.
" Damn your sparkling wordplay.
And bless your humble home.
Oh, it's red wire to red wire.
What idiot dreamed that up? Cool.
It's the NBC News feed.
Mm, feed.
You get to see what they do during breaks.
We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer.
- Clear.
- Oh, Lord, I'm so fat, aah.
Hey, Lis, wanna try some satellite TV? We've got Japanese Friends.
Do you like my new shirt? It says, "Reggae Hairstyle Rock 'n' Roll.
" Could I be more Japanese? You are the emperor of last year.
Your comeback shames me.
How about The Clock Channel? Coming up on The Clock Channel: 6:00.
Wait a minute, I saw this one.
I have to study for the elementary school achievement test, and so do you.
Hey, I don't have to study on the weekend.
It's Wednesday night.
Kids, kids, you're both right.
- Mm.
- Oh.
We're back with Who Wants to Marry an Internet Billionaire? Uh, no, millionaire.
Oh, well, now he's broke.
Why don't you turn off the TV and join us for dessert? I made a pie.
Put pie here.
Would you like some ice cream with that? Me not pig.
We now return to Robo Trouble.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, Robot Rumble.
Why are we fighting each other? Together we can defeat the humans and rule the Earth.
I agree.
Sucker.
Homicidal robots.
So like us.
Bart, the test is in two hours and you haven't slept in a fortnight.
- What's a fortnight? - You should know.
It's on the test.
No pressure, children.
These test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave.
- This test is boring.
- What else is on? It's finally happened, Bart.
You've lost your mind.
Now, let's raise the roof for the bland informative rap of M.
C.
Safety and the Caution Crew.
Yo, yo, yo, y'all feeling cautious? I say a crosswalk, a cross-ity walk And don't stop crossing Till you're on the next block First you look both ways Then you walk not run Obeying safety rules is acceptable fun Break it down now Just walk, don't run Drink juice, yum-yum Watch out, Beatles.
I have one more important announcement to share with you.
Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage? Oh? Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday's big test you're being immediately moved up to the third grade.
She's not so great.
She got diarrhea when we went to Carlsbad Caverns.
Okay, Bart since you like attention so much, I have a second announcement.
I was going to tell you this privately but because of your incredibly low test score we're sending you back to third grade.
Huh? What? I gotta be in the same class as her? What? I gotta be in the same class as him? Hmm? They're gonna be in the same class as each other? An old Army buddy is visiting Mannix? Class, meet our newest third graders, Lisa and Bart Simpson.
Lisa comes to us from Miss Hoover while Bart was taught by Mrs.
Krabappel.
Slut.
Hi, Bart and Lisa.
A rooster sits on a roof facing north.
It lays an egg.
Which way does it roll? Okay, the sun rises in the east so the rooster would probably wanna lay it on the cool side Roosters don't lay eggs.
They're boys.
- Very good, Bart.
- Mm-hm.
Lisa, I want you to stick close to your big brother until you catch up.
Young man, you're not in this class.
- What are you doing here? - Laughing at jerks.
Quiet nerds burp only near school.
Bart, I'm doing my geography homework.
That's how you remember the four original provinces of Canada.
"Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia.
" Quiet nerds burp only near school.
Here's how you remember their principle exports: Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel.
Stop.
I wanna learn on my own.
Canada's governors general: Clowns love haircuts, so should Lee Marvin's valet.
Get out! Here are your math tests.
Morgan, Dakota, Ashley Dakota, Tyler, Tyler, Lisa.
What's this weird mark next to my A? That's an A-minus.
Mm, minus? Nice work, Bart.
An A? Copacetic.
You did better than me? Eh, I took this test last year.
The answer key never changes.
B-C-B-C-A-A-B-B-C-C-D.
False.
False.
True.
William Jennings Bryan.
That's cheating.
Bart cheated.
Young lady, in the third grade, we don't care for tattletales.
And we don't care for moaners either.
Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher.
Pukers in back.
Kids, look what I got you for your third-grade field trip.
Matching fanny packs.
Now your fannies match.
- Hey, get away from me.
Get - Get away.
- Quit it.
- Stop it.
Let go.
Stop.
You'll crush your juice boxes.
Oh.
All right, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip.
- I'll take Kyle.
- I'll take Ashley.
Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk.
I'll just put you two together.
Oh.
There's a swingin' town I know Called Capital City - Punch buggy red, unh.
- Ow.
You are such an immature - Punch buggy white, unh.
- Ow.
- Stop fighting.
- He started it.
He did punch buggy first.
What's punch buggy? When you see a Volkswagen Bug, you punch somebody and yell the color.
- Punch buggy blue.
- Ow.
- Punch buggy green.
- Oh.
- Punch buggy taupe.
- Ow.
Oh, that really hurt.
Two for flinching.
Now, as we cross the street, I want you to hold hands with your buddy.
Hey, dude, who's your girlfriend? Did you see his face? Well, what happened, dude? Did your girlfriend dump you? Now, children, if you look up at the capitol dome you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot-bellied sparrow eating our state pasta, bowtie.
Order, order, order.
The chair recognizes the esteemed representative from Capital City.
The Capital City Goofball? That's right.
To win, he spent 80 million from his own pocket.
Mr.
Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag.
This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment particularly as we are a northern state.
This lively debate has given me an idea.
Tonight, each buddy team is going to design a new state flag.
Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffing? Well, Bart's being his usual jerky self.
But, Mom, I'm really excited about this new flag design.
Oh, and the hotel gives you a free USA Today outside your room.
No, I'm sure it's free.
Okay, I won't touch it.
Well, make sure you don't.
And try not to let your brother get under your skin, honey.
Believe me, he doesn't.
His act is getting old fast.
He thinks he's really cool.
But frankly, the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties.
One last sunbeam and we're done.
"To fraternal love.
" When I get through with that flag, it's gonna be a Bart-mangled banner.
So I understand you children have some state flags for me.
- Who would like to go first? - We would, Governor Bailey.
- Team Simpson.
- I spearheaded this one.
I'll just unfurl this.
That was my worst unfurling ever.
Lisa, how could you? The governor is crying.
Oh.
You weren't on this field trip.
How did you get here? Biked.
Bart, I am so mad at you.
Ha-ha-ha.
You should've seen the look on your face.
It was like this: - Huh? - Oh, the bus.
Okay, children, before we leave - is anyone missing their buddy? - No.
Ah, the buddy system, foolproof.
Floor it, Otto.
Wait! Wait! - Ha, ha, they left without you.
- They left without you too, you idiot.
If I'm an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in the third grade? Because you've already done it once.
- You've lost me.
- Oh, forget it.
- Hey, how do we get back? - No problem.
We'll just circle around like those kids in The Blair Witch Project.
I must be getting close.
I recognize that girl.
- Oh, Bart, I think we're lost.
- I used to be lost.
Until a friend turned me onto a book.
A book that changed my life.
It's called, Lisa is Stupid.
- You die now.
- Aah? Whoa.
Hey! They're gone.
I don't know what happened.
If the buddy system can fail, I don't know what to believe in.
There, there, Audrey.
It's happened to all of us.
Willie, we have two more names for the wall.
Why is it always the kids with the long names? - Hello, Principal Skinner.
- A parent who waives the right to sue - says what? - What? - Got it.
- Hey, you can't fool us.
We're from the Learn to Fart state.
Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying.
Huh! My poor babies.
I'm so sorry.
Lisa's a very special little girl.
And we'll spare no expense in finding her.
- What about Bart? - We're looking.
But in the meantime, the class clown pro tem will take his place.
Cowabunga.
- You cold? - What do you care? - Here.
- Thanks.
Where'd you get? Oh.
Bart, you're my big brother.
You should act like it more often.
You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
- Thanks, Bart.
- And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacy dolls.
- Okay, you go.
- I don't think I've done anything else.
Okay, I'll go again.
Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"? - Yes.
- Yeah, funny story.
One day, I was really bored and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway This is where the kids were last seen.
Aah! The plastic casing from the tip of Bart's shoelace.
A mother knows.
Well, he's not gonna get very far without that.
- Bart, is that you? - No.
Say your prayers.
Oh, Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead.
Bart.
Listen, we're really sorry.
We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary.
Lost on a field trip? Heck, why didn't you say so? That's how Grandpappy wound up in these parts.
They was taking us to Capital City to see The Nutcracker.
And I wandered away from the group married a bear and I started up my family.
I told you, I ain't a bear.
Roar, roar, roar.
No one understands you, She-Bear.
- Thanks for driving us back to town.
- No problem.
We were going there anyway to pick up the new Spy magazine.
I'm sorry, they don't publish that anymore.
The world I grewed up in is gone.
Oh, my special little guys.
You're okay.
You're okay.
And, Maggie, you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing Bart and Lisa.
If this episode has taught us anything it's that nothing works better than the status quo.
- You're back to the fourth grade.
- Yay! And, Lisa, you have a choice.
You may continue to be challenged in third grade or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond.
Big fish.
Big fish.
The status quo.
The status quo? Ay caramba.
That's just sad.
Shh.