The Simpsons s14e04 Episode Script

Large Marge

The Simpsons Large Marge D'oh! Ah! Woo-hoo! - November, 1948.
- Americans picked their president.
Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E.
Dewey.
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.
Dad, I'm telling you, Truman wins.
"Dewey Defeats Truman.
" Woo-hoo! I win the bet.
Who's your daddy? But the headlines are dead wrong.
Harry Truman triumphs by 2 million votes.
Not if I can stop that inauguration.
I win, Dad.
That means I get to choose today's father-daughter activity.
Let's hear it.
We're building homes for the homeless.
You know it's gonna be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself.
"Domiciles for the Destitute"? Is this that thing Jimmy Carter does? Yes.
But now that it's hip, all the ex-presidents are doing it.
There's Clinton, Bush Senior and the nice guy who finished last, Jimmy himself.
Hey! Why you - I'm sorry, George.
I didn't see you there.
- No hard feelings.
I'll slaughter you, you lamebrain.
- What are you laughing at, Clinton? - Ow.
Dad, what is that? Well, if Bart can be El Barto Oh, if only I had your courage, señor.
Ha, ha, thanks.
Dad, you're getting paint on your wedding ring.
Huh? Oh, right.
Can you hold it? This is a Band-Aid wrapped in tinfoil.
My real ring's inside a turtle.
- Are you sure we'll find husbands here? - Absolutely.
These volunteer events are crawling with the successful single men we deserve.
And how.
Let's see what we've got.
Well, he's not much to look at.
But he is a good father.
Hello.
Wedding-ring tan line.
He's new on the market.
Hmm.
- Can I help you? - Maybe.
I'm Lindsay Naegle.
I could move you into a beautiful new home.
Mine.
- Sign here, kiss me here, initial there.
- What the? You're listening to Radio Disney.
The songs you love rewritten for babies.
Who left the milk out? Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck Dad left the milk out Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck That's good satire.
It doesn't hurt anyone.
What do you think, Maggie? Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck Oh, look, there's your father? Well, I've read enough articles about flirting to know it when I see it.
And that's how my beautiful wife brought our son Bart into the world.
- Aw.
- Touching.
You knucklehead.
- A little help.
- I'll give you a little help.
Uh, Homie, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met? Sure, why not? Sometimes I worry you might think about other women.
Hey, why would I want Purina when I got Fancy Feast right here? That doesn't sound very convincing.
Aw.
It sounds like all you're looking for is a little reassurance.
Well Bart, remember when I was crying at recess? I think I'm finally ready to tell you why.
Let's see what's on TV.
I stick my neck out for no one, Frankenstein, no one.
Oh, cool, the old Batman show.
Struggling in vain.
Gather your wits, old chum.
We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy.
You mean, Clownface? None other.
Well, if it isn't Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder.
Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain? Well, sure.
He was also Uncle Velderschmoink on Bewitched.
Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us? I'm just gonna take you for a spin.
Hoo, Ha, Hee, show our guests to the twirly gates.
Holy g-force, Batman.
The blood's rushing to my head.
That's right, my panicky chum.
In a few moments, you and I will literally blush ourselves to death.
Oh, my, this is taking a long time.
Oh, cool.
We should try that at school.
Hey, yeah.
You can try it on me.
Batman got out of it okay.
Faith and begorra, Batman.
How did you ever escape? Fortunately, I always carry my Carousel Reversal Spray.
Oh, what don't you have in that belt? Patience for harlequined hoodlums like yourself.
Truer words were never spoken, crusader.
Manjula, remember when Apu cheated on you? Yes, thank you.
I'm worried Homer might do the same thing.
What would make a husband lose interest like that? What I do now I do as your dearest friend.
Look at this flab.
Look at it.
Oh, my God.
Is that me? Oh, my God.
Is that me? Most assuredly, yes.
Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do? I need to fit into this in time for a funeral.
Thank you.
Uh, I need some liposuction.
Just enough to make me attractive to this man.
One 10-minute suck and tuck.
Doctor, before we begin, I have a couple questions.
Time is money.
Ask the mask.
What if I just do aerobics, hmm? Hmm, that's funny.
Hmm.
I don't feel sucked out.
Doctor, my assistant is as flat as ever.
Where are the new knockers the taxpayers paid for? Hmm, you're right.
That's like flatsville.
Then where did I put those implants? What on earth have you done? My maguppies became bazongas.
Great Ceausescu's ghost! Are those real? Oh.
Oh, right.
Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding.
My surgery was botched.
"Botched.
" What is that, the word of the day? You had no right to make my bosom this ample.
Look, just come back in 48 hours, I can remove the implants.
Oh, I'll come back all right.
And I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you.
Yes, your husband.
I'm sure he's going to be furious.
I'm a little worried about the spinning, Bart.
If you're uncomfortable with this in any way - Do it, Otto.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
- You're the boss, kid.
My change purse! Hi, Milhouse.
Skinner, I was a little wary of bringing these veterans of Iwo Jima to tour your school - but I see my fears were unfounded.
- Thank you, sir.
And what more fitting finale than to gaze reverently at Old Glory? Come on, boys.
You know the drill.
My God! This youngster befouled the flag! Wait, this just doesn't add up.
Milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil.
Hey, what's going on here? Something crazy? There's your queen bee.
Explain yourself, Simpson.
Uh, I saw Krusty do it on TV.
Then Krusty will feel my wrath.
The spritz has hit the fan.
You won't hurt Krusty, will you? He's all we got.
- Shut your puke hole, punk.
- Sir.
Yes, sir.
Oh, sweetie.
Hmm.
Oh! Don't worry, Maggie, I'll have these silly things out in just two days.
Till then I'll just try to hide them from the family.
Making it the latest Segway scooter accident to claim over 1000 lives.
Not feeling well.
Going to bed.
Dinner and breakfast are on the table.
Did you label the meals so I could tell which is which? Yes.
Locally, two school children offended veterans, educators and flag hags while imitating a stunt they learned watching TV's Krusty the Clown.
Besieged by angry protestors Krusty responded as follows: - Would you people get a life? - Not an option.
- Stop corrupting our children.
- No.
Bart, this is all your fault.
Don't worry.
Krusty always lands on his feet.
Help! I got Aah! Well, someone's tucked in to an insane degree.
Good night.
Hey, give me some of those blankets.
- Unh! - What's this? It's enormous.
- Oh, my God.
There's another one.
- Homer, let me explain something.
- Explain later.
- Homie.
Ooh, ooh, Homie.
- Hey, what happened? - I fell off.
Now, don't get too used to these.
That awful doctor said he'd take them out in a couple of days.
Yeah, he truly is a monster.
Hey, let's go out to dinner tomorrow.
Just you, me, the kids, and the twins.
What do you say? Hmm.
Hmm? Hmm, they do make my neck look thinner.
Oh, all right.
Let's do it.
Mom, Lisa pushed me in the laundry basket.
Whatever Bart is saying is a lie.
Mom, what happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
Well, that cinches it.
Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
I saw them earlier, I was working on it in the hall.
I'm sorry, we are totally full.
Boy, oh, Boyardee.
Ha, ha.
I bazoom you want a table.
Right this way.
Wow, Mom, your guns got us a great table.
Right by the lobster tank.
For you, pretty lady, I make the fresh pasta instead of the crap from a can I give to everybody else.
It's as cold as my love for you.
And, Marge, if your mouth get tired, Angelo here will chew for you.
Yes.
I like to chew.
Thank you, fellas.
Mom, doesn't it bother you that they're giving you attention just because of those? That's not true, Lisa.
There are a lot of complicated issues here that can only be explained through song.
You took a 20-carat diamond And made it gleam Like a big spaghetti dinner Smothered in whipped cream You're like X-Men Number 3 In a Mylar bag You're a brand new muscle car And all the wheels are mag You make me feel as young As the blood I get from sheep You're like Jacqueline Bisset In me favorite film, The Deep You're sexy and exotic Like a hooker from Belize Or a patient with insurance Who's crawling with disease - You're a sundae - Underneath two great big cherries Keep in mind they're only temporaries - Still we'd like to say - That we are very, very Glad to see you And I decree you The hottest thing to hit this city Since the fire that killed 11 Dangerous criminals Hooray! And they're all mine Hmm.
Homer, how come you never sang a song like that to me before? Uh, I was getting around to it.
Kiekie Highsmith, Highsmith Modeling.
Honey, I like your look.
Forget it, Kiekie.
You're not putting your brain into her body.
That's not why I'm here.
I can offer your wife a lot of modeling work.
Trade shows to start.
Then, who knows? No dice.
Take your fun and adventure outside.
- Now, wait, Homer.
- For what? Confirmation of my attitude? Homie, I could use a little more excitement in my life.
Hmm, maybe I'll just keep these.
That's great, Mom, but don't forget: I got Krusty in hot water Now I've got to help him out - Shut up, boy.
- Oh.
I don't get a song? Mom got a song.
With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.
Oh.
And now, one of Ov Mitt Con's Faces to Watch 2003: Rookie spokesmodel, Marge Simpson.
This sure beats slaving over a hot stove.
Whoa! Whoa! Gentlemen, say hello to Springfield's newest supermodel.
You're a lucky man, Homer.
Yeah.
This is the longest I've ever gone without looking at Lenny.
Don't make a fuss over me, boys.
Just pour me a beer in a clean glass.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said no fuss.
Uh, I wouldn't eat them peanuts, they're, uh, spit-backs.
So, Krusty, are you ready to shoot this apple off my head? Well, if by "shoot" you mean "teach" and by "my head" you mean "safety," then, yes.
Oh, man.
Now they won't let Krusty do anything fun.
Teletubbies get away with more than this.
I've learned my lesson, Krusty.
Never again shall I look directly at an eclipse.
This sucks! Bring out Mr.
Teeny! I can't.
They made me release him into the wild.
We got Krusty into this, we'll get him out.
We have to make him a hero again.
Maybe if we cut his foot off, people will feel sorry for him.
It didn't help your dad get your mom back.
Hi, Mrs.
Simpson.
My mom said I'm not to look at you.
- What's with the belt, Mom? - It's for my back spasms.
If guys didn't keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight.
You liked all the attention you were getting.
I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.
- Hey, Krusty.
- How'd you get in here? - The doorman died.
- Oh, no.
He was my agent.
I have a plan that will make the world fall in love with Krusty again.
It's too late.
I've given up.
The Krusty I know didn't get where he is by giving up.
No, I got where I am by naming names in the '50s.
Okay, what's your plan? Simple.
We just have to cause a riot at the Springfield Shoe Expo.
I like.
I like.
Oh, this is my Woodstock.
I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes.
My forthrightness is my undoing.
Kiekie, I'm tired of tradeshow modeling.
My back really hurts.
You seem unhappy.
So I'm going to inject this smile solution into your jaw.
Did you just drug me? What the? - Technically, it's a toxin.
- Hmm.
Okay, here's the drill.
A rogue elephant, played by my old friend Stampy is about to crush sweet young Milhouse.
Then you run up and save the day by saying Stampy's safety word, "magumbo.
" Whoa, he's a big as Brando, but he takes direction.
Eighty-nine percent of Americans would rather have a shoehorn than a computer.
I'd like to 89 you.
I've heard about you vendors.
Hey, lady.
I like the way your body looks.
- Stop objectifying my mom.
- I will in a second.
Ooh! Hey, baby! You're an object! Ha-ha-ha! Help! Help! Who will save this promising young honors student? Hey, hey, hey.
I'll save the day.
- Hey, it's that clown who hates children.
- And flags.
I say we judge him by what he does next.
Yeehaw! Hey, elephant, I got one word for you: Columbo! No, that's not it.
Modesto! Daktari? Nintendo? Oh.
Whoa! Oh, if he bites, I'm sunk.
If he swallows, I'm good.
- Dad, look.
- I'm on it.
Be careful, uh Uh-oh.
All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face.
- You mean the trunk? - Easy there, college boy.
Wait! Wait! My son, my husband, and the Van Houten boy are in there.
Sorry, ma'am.
We don't negotiate with elephants.
- Ready - Mom, do something.
- aim - I've gotta stop them from shooting.
I don't Lisa, don't hate me for this.
Continue aiming.
Still aiming.
Hey, cops.
Check out this all-points bulletin.
Whoa, look at those magumbos.
Hey, that's it.
Magumbo! I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Oh.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, you saved Krusty's reputation.
You learned a woman doesn't need a 48-inch chest to be beautiful.
That's how I felt all along.
Lisa learned a lesson.
Lisa learned a lesson.
Kids, I'd like to re-introduce you to classic Marge.
I finally feel like me again.
- You're not disappointed are you? - Not at all, sweetie.
At least one of us should be able to put their arms around the other one.
Anyway, you're the only man I want ogling me.
Oh, we're gonna do a little more than just ogling.
Oh, Homie.
Let's go get fried chicken.
Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Who let her jugs out? D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Marge let her jugs out D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho Shh.