The Simpsons s14e13 Episode Script

A Star is Born Again

The Simpsons A Star Is Born Again D'oh! Ah! Come on, come on, let's get to the beach.
Hold your horses.
I was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your father's swimsuit.
It came out again.
Well, I'm all set.
I'm gonna be following the latest designs from Modern Sandcastle Magazine.
Well, I'm all set too.
Then all that's left is to protect Maggie from the sun.
I think she needs a diaper change.
Well, it ain't happening today.
Look, everybody, here they come.
Once again we celebrate Springfield's most beloved event.
For each year, on the third Tuesday of May sweeps we witness the return of the stinging red jellyfish.
What a sight.
It happens every year like the swallows returning to Capistrano.
Or the Fox network getting a new president.
I made a new friend.
I'm going to Africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and Santa and gorillas and Daddy, why is everyone so happy the jellyfish are back? Well, in the old days, people thought jellyfish venom had curative properties.
Now we know it just makes things a lot worse.
- Like laser eye surgery? - Exactly.
Jellyfish, along you came And right away I'm stunned Sweet words I long to whisper But you've paralyzed my tongue Oh, what a magical evening.
The moonlight, the music, the water.
Enough talk.
Dip me, my love.
Lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Ah.
This is as romantic as the night I proposed.
Maybe we can have this band play at our wedding.
I was hoping we could use this audio cassette.
- Seymour, we've got to have a band.
- Fine.
But no cake.
Sarah, you're as lovely as the day I first arrested you.
I was so shy.
Ah, well, Sea Captain, looks like you and I are sailing solo tonight? Are you hitting on me? Because I don't do thaton land.
Well, guess I might as well head back to my store.
I got a date with some twins, the state and federal tax forms.
Poor Ned.
This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone.
I know.
And it doesn't get any easier from here.
There's the Tongue Kissing Festival, Cinco de Ocho, the Hobo Oscars.
Days just made for lovers.
Not widowers, lovers.
"Form of business"? Sole proprietorship.
"Owner's marital status"? Happily married to a dead woman.
Excuse me.
Are you open? Mm-hm.
Open as a tomb on Easter.
What can I ding-dong-diddily do for you? Boy, they don't make them like you in L.
A.
Oh, I should say not.
I gave up on L.
A.
when those TV people made that poor nun fly.
All those Puerto Ricans looking up her dress.
That's not right.
Do you have any left-handed eyelash curlers? Do I? No, I don't.
But I can have them here by Tuesday.
Well For now, I'll take a left-handed crimper.
Why, you are gorgeous.
- You don't know who I am, do you? - I sure do.
You're the most important person in the world because you're my customer.
Are you for real? I'm as real as the nose on your face.
Yeah.
Real.
Well, it looks good.
And it sounds pretty too.
Thanks.
I'll see you later.
I'm here for a while and I don't really know anyone.
Would you like to have dinner tomorrow? A woman asking a man out? Well.
Well, why not? And maybe I'll eat my steak with a spoon.
Call me.
I'm staying at the Springfield Four Seasons.
Ask for Zelda Fitzgerald.
What the? That's a pseu-diddilyeudonym.
Well, I've got a date With a girl with no name It sure feels good To be back in the game At dessert Maybe I can ask her her name Because I can't pray for her Without the right name Ba-doo-doo-doo-doo I've got a date with a movie star? Sure you do.
And I'm going apple picking with Scooby-Doo.
Psst! Homer.
Flanders.
Can't a man just drink alone on a Wednesday morning? I need your advice.
It's about a lady.
Ooh.
Ha, ha.
Let me guess.
Skinner's mother? She sure knows how to swing it.
No, it's Sara Sloane.
I have a date with her tonight.
Sara Sloane? The movie star? Yup.
Why would that Twinkie wanna go out with a Ding Dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time.
In Europe, they call it a Dinkie.
Well, sir, that's very encouraging, but I can't date a movie star.
I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.
Now, wait just a minute.
I used to worry Marge was too good for me.
She was always thinking of ways to improve me.
But then part of her died and she doesn't try anymore.
So we're all where we wanna be.
I'm sorry for the disguise, Ned.
I don't wanna cause a commotion.
Excuse me, Miss Sloane.
May I have an autograph? Excuse me, Miss Sloane.
May I have an autograph? - Sure.
- Oh, man, this is going right on eBay.
I mean, my wall, which I will sell on eBay.
Sad to say, this isn't the worst I get.
Oh, oh, can I just push this plastic cast onto one of your boobs? Okay.
Now you are the worst.
Rod says "Marco.
" And darn it if Todd doesn't say "Polo" right back.
Oh, listen to me just running my gums about my kids.
You're probably bored silly.
No.
It's a nice change from all the actors I usually date.
All they wanna talk about is their Botox, their Tae Bo or their Xbox.
Huh.
Sara, there's something I've been dying to do all night.
So let's just get it over with now and hold hands.
Mm.
Heaven's gate.
I'm gonna be tasting you on my moustache for a week.
Wanna try for a month? Mm.
Sara Sloane has been involved with every Tinseltown hunk from Affleck to Zmed.
Well, yeah.
She's had more stars on her than Lisa's homework.
Mm-mm-mm.
Now she's dating Mr.
Flanders.
That's so romantic.
Who the hell is Mr.
Flanders? Oh, Flanders.
Hello.
Yes, I'm Ned Flanders' close personal friend.
That's right.
Hot and heavy.
They've never been happier.
Oh, yeah, she does look pregnant.
Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one of those really strong mints? Hello? Hello? Jesus is the rock That rolls my blues away Shooby-dooby, yeah, shooby-dooby You guys are jamming.
Ah! Daddy, she swore.
You know, I grew up in a house like this.
I didn't know there were people like you left in the world.
Ha, ha, yup.
We occupy that useless mass of land between Los Angeles and New York called America.
Ned, I'm not sure you should open the door.
Oh, if someone took the time to press that button, this is the least I can do.
- Are you sleeping with Sara Sloane? - Is that moustache real? Do you plan to kill Sara like your last wife? It's the tabloids.
Everybody, run.
- Hey, come back.
- Pose, pose.
Your carpeted floor feels good on my toes.
Come on.
Let's concoct more lies.
Zookeeper's Wife, scene 102, take one.
Action.
Kiss me, Diego.
But your husband's animals are watching.
Where do you think I learned to do this? Mm.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This movie is turning into Sponge Bob No Pants.
- Ugh, cut.
- Sir, there's no reason Sara needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sam, he's got a point.
Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
- There's still time.
- I want a rewrite with no nudity.
All right.
But you're gonna have to kiss a woman.
Deal.
Ned, we won.
Yup.
All we gotta do is turn that woman into a fella - and that kiss into a game of Scrabble.
- You are so sweet to look out for me.
The public may not see me naked but you just might.
Ha, ha, well, that's, uh, very interesting, uh Easy, Ned.
Think of the Bible.
Miss Sloane, I loved you in Sleeping with Pinocchio and Honey, I Scotchgarded the Kids.
Thanks.
I grew really close to the actress who played my daughter.
- I think she's in France or something.
- Hmm.
And, Ned, I haven't seen you this happy in years.
Mm-hm.
I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election.
Hey, don't blame me.
I voted for the green M&M.
Ah! The paparazzi.
I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow.
Gypsies, tramps and thieves We'd hear it from the people Are you aware your daughter's gay? - Boy, those guys are such leeches.
- Moe, what are you doing here? Can't your old buddy, Moe, stop by with questions from the Weekly World News? Uh, number one: Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak? I'll have you know she pays full price for her watercraft.
- Rainier Wolfcastle.
- My ex-boyfriend.
Sara, Liebchen, take me back.
If tears could burst through my muscular ducts I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer.
Rainier, you're too jealous.
You beat up Jon Lovitz because he presented me an award.
Oh, come on.
No one misses a handshake that badly.
Sorry.
I found someone nice who doesn't talk like a freak.
Exact-a-tically-tacally.
My libido has been terminated.
Ned, I've never met a man like you.
You're sensitive.
You're in great shape.
You have a moustache.
And yet you're not gay.
Oh, no way.
I won't even eat vegetables over 2 inches long.
So anyway, uh, hmm, your movie's wrapping up soon.
I guess you'll be heading out on the first bus to the airport.
If you ride with a friend, you can save 20 bucks.
Ned, I know this is fast.
When I go back to Hollywood, I want you to come with me.
Ned Flanders in Tinseltown? - Ned, I'm James L.
Brooks.
- Oh, can I call you Jim? James L.
Brooks is good.
How about some sponge cake? - Well, I can't see the harm.
- With a brandy glaze? No! Perhaps you'd like a football game.
- We don't have a team.
- No! Hey, daddy baby.
- We're movie producers now.
- And we're Jewish.
Yay! Sara, I'm sorry.
But I can't move to Hollywood.
Heck, even Dollywood's too far out for me.
Too many people appreciating it ironically.
Well, then I'm staying in Springfield with you for good.
Oh, forgive my language.
But, uh, I'm one happy camper.
Mm.
Dude, what's it like kissing a movie star? What's it like kissing a woman? - What seems to be the problem, officer? - Problem is I can't seem to get an agent.
Ha.
Could you give your girlfriend my headshot? Uh, that's me as a greaser, emperor of China, Eleanor Roosevelt very regal, and now just plain me with an eye patch.
I'll give it to my agent.
I don't do TV.
Sure is nice to be shopping for a woman again.
Last thing I bought for a lady was a casket.
Sir, would you ask your sweetheart to sign her autograph for me? Well, of course Wait a minute.
This is to adopt two of your kids.
Oh, so it is.
I've already dumped three on Mia Farrow.
Sucker.
Look.
It's celebrity boy toy, Ned Flanders and his arm candy, Sara Sloane.
Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from la-la land to blah-blah land? Lisa, Springfield isn't a cultural wasteland.
Part of Stroker Ace was filmed at our airport.
And, um Oh, there's our ladies' book club.
Sara, you're welcome to come.
Oh, I'd love to.
Another scoop.
Sara Sloane to attend girl-on-girl book club.
Ho-ho, Moe, you lovable loser.
You just made yourself $5.
Whoo-hoo! Today's book is Bridget Jones's Diary.
Now, let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.
- Cramps.
- All my friends are dead.
Well, then, I guess it's time for margaritas.
Well, I wish someone had read the book since I did invite the author - Helen Fielding.
- Oh, never mind.
As long as they bought the book, I'll get the money.
Besides, most Americans can't understand the sophisticated subtlety of British humor.
I bid you good day.
Hop to it, honey.
If we get to the Pops concert early we can give up our seats to some old people.
Daddy, where do babies come from? Sweetie, that's not the kind of dress you wear outdoors or indoors or in a dirty dream.
Oh, loosen up, honey.
This dress just creates the illusion of nudity.
Well, Siegfried and Roy create a lot of illusions but I doubt their girlfriends dress like that.
She should be ashamed.
That's disgusting.
Don't look, Seymour.
- I'm a veteran, Mother.
- A veteran bed wetter.
Mother.
Sara, I hate to say it, but your top's upstaging the Pops.
Fine.
I'll wear your stupid jacket.
Ah.
Oh! Ah.
Oh! Ah.
Oh! Ah.
Sara, I love you, but I get the feeling you're just not a Ned-head tonight.
Is something wrong? Actually, there is something.
The time we've spent together has been wonderful but I want sex with you.
Uh, well, that's, uh, a mighty big kettle of, uh premarital, uh, doodly.
Ha, ha.
I knew you'd say that.
I need a glass of wine.
Oh! Ah.
This is quite a dil-diddly-lemma.
I better talk this over with the big man.
Homer, Sara wants us to have S-E-X.
Stupid Flanders, I'm not giving you any of my secret moves.
Well, I'm not sure I wanna do it.
I mean, who will buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You know, the cow being me.
Flanders, I'm always interested in talking about free milk.
And if there's cookies involved, so much the better.
Hmm.
Ned, look.
I know I said I wanted this.
But I don't want you to do anything - you're uncomfortable with.
- I consulted my Bible and found verses supporting what you wanna do and a lot of verses against it.
What does that one say, Ned? It says a man should make restitution if he eats his neighbor's grain.
And that's good enough for me.
Whoa.
Wow.
That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.
- That's what Maude used to say.
- A girl could get used to that.
Well, and you will right after the wedding.
You wanna get married? Mm-hm.
That's right.
I'm like Baskin-Robbins.
You get one free taste, then you gotta buy the scoop.
Ned, I love you.
But I'm not ready to be tied down.
I love you too.
And I always will.
But unlike the Bible I guess this ain't gonna have a happy ending.
I'm sorry.
Oh, darn the luck.
That sounds like the Lupus Fun Run.
Ha, ha! Fight Lupus.
Screen siren Sara Sloane shocked Tinseltown last night with a midnight marriage to Gosford Park megahunk, Bob Balaban.
This was followed three hours later by a quickie divorce.
Ah.
I bet we would have lasted twice that long.
Poor Ned, gardening away his misery.
His answer's not at the bottom of a hedge.
Hey, Hollywood, call me.
My number's on the bench.
It's the darnedest thing.
Women love you when you've dated a movie star.
I'm very happy for you, Ned.
Me too.
Uh-oh.
Here comes Helen Fielding.
Jellyfish I held you close And told you I love you But then The ocean took you back And now I just hold goo Jellyfish I held you close And said Thatl love you But then The ocean took you back My jelly I'll miss you For now I just hold goo