The Simpsons s14e14 Episode Script

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

The Simpsons Mr.
Spritz Goes to Washington D'oh! Ah! We return to a late episode of The Three Stooges: "Brittle Boneheads.
" - There.
- Unh.
Take it easy, Moe.
He don't have health insurance.
Take that, you You, um - Chowderhead? - Thanks, for nothing, unh.
Ha, ha, that was my paralyzed side.
Oh, stroke victim, eh? Unh.
Please, Moe.
I don't wanna do this no more.
Get up, Curly Four.
- Curly Four? - I need a quarter for the bus.
Droll.
Hmm? Hmm Hmm.
Mm, mm.
Promo.
Ew! Fox.
Now, I got you Unh, not the swear jar.
It's the only thing holding back the filth.
Nutty fudgkins.
Do you hear a noise? What? Why is that jet flying so close to our house? Why don't you ask those guys? If I stop pedaling, I'll die.
But it still beats U.
S.
Air, ha, ha.
The people there don't know how to make a flight.
They must've moved the flight paths over our house.
This is a private jet.
Why do we gotta watch The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood? The boss.
He's got a thing for the ya-yas.
Why was I born a man? Ew! I got Bart's veal.
I got Lisa's plankton kebobs.
Ew! Marge germs.
Maggie, give me that.
How much longer is this going to go on? Get out of my airspace.
Dad, why don't you go to the airport authority and complain? I'm on my way.
You man the rake.
This is not a Delta hub.
Go up to Room 915 and ask for form 1790.
We've already been to Room 915.
We've already filled out form 1790.
It was an application to open a Cinnabon stand.
Look, can you please just tell us why you've changed the flight paths? Uh, look, they were changed because it disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.
- Vote Quimby.
Vote Quimby.
- Vote Quimby.
Ahh! Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.
Thanks a million, Joe.
You're the swellest.
That's your voice? Now, I regret building you that opera house.
There has to be a solution that pleases everyone.
From ducks and trees to you's and me's.
Are you threatening a government official? - No.
- Good.
Because we're the government.
We make the laws.
We print the money.
And we breed the super-soldiers.
So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes and remember, you didn't hear about super-soldiers.
There's the 1050 from Newark.
The 1052 from Phoenix, connecting from Dallas.
The 1055 from Portland is running late.
Again.
There it is.
Ha, ha.
Homer, we haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.
The dog has eaten all its hair.
And the fixtures won't stay in one place.
I've had this dream before.
I never thought I would say this.
But I think we have to move.
Never.
Stay plugged in.
I will find you.
Cookie, think you can sell this house? Well, it'll be tough, but I can do it.
Cookie's number one on the West Side.
- But this is the East Side.
- Who is this lady? Hmm, hmm? Why are you selling your house? Occasionally you might hear a faint roar.
See? It all works out.
I'll give you three crayons and my milk.
It's a good offer.
I advise you to take it.
Hmm, make that a chocolate milk and you got a deal.
I'm walking away.
We can't sell the house.
We can't live here.
What are we going to do? Why don't we go to our congressman? That's a great idea.
Why didn't you say something before? I've been saying it for three weeks, but every time I open my mouth - What? - What? The shaking's so bad, all my omelets have become frittatas.
That's the saddest story I've heard in my 75 years of public service.
It makes my blood boil and my left arm feel numb.
Also I taste copper.
Quick.
Someone perform CPR.
Uh I see a bad moon rising - That's CCR.
- Uh, uh It looks like we're in for nasty weather Congressman Wilcox was laid to rest today.
Special election will be held to fill his seat.
I guess there's only one way out of our problems: A murder/suicide pact.
How can you say that? It's just an expression, Marge.
You're watching Channel 6 Springfield's home of Krusty the Klown.
Now on three times a day.
Because at Channel 6, we got nothing else.
Hey, Krusty should run for Congress.
He could help us with the airplanes.
Yeah, and entertainers are always winning elections.
Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, Sonny Bono, Gopher from Love Boat.
Mary Bono Sure I'll help you, kid.
Take a picture of me and my number one dying fan.
Ha, ha.
Have your mom mail back the hat after, uh, you know I'm not dying.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
Keep fighting.
Where's my chai latte? Krusty, we need you to run for Congress.
Congress? But I hate the government.
They've been on my back like hump on granny.
IRS, ATF, Immigration Immigration? Oh, uh, Teeny here is from Brazil.
His uncle was the head monkey at the Bureau of Tourism.
But if you get elected, you can change all that stop those airplanes from flying over my house.
Yeah.
I could even tell the FCC to take a hike.
Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
Oh, all the good ones.
Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
It's doing 13 while she's elevening your five.
- Can I keep this? - Sure, no 12 off my ass.
Welcome, fellow Republicans.
To start with, Brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.
"All Millard Fillmore Schools are now Ronald Reagans.
The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan.
And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan.
Bleh! Excellent.
Now, to the matter at hand.
Whom will we put up for young Wilcox's Congressional seat? Gentlemen, I am your candidate.
Maybe Bob Dole should run.
Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should.
Bob Dole likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
We want Krusty We want Krusty Uh, just one thing.
Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged "indiscretions"? Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous? Russian hooker.
You tell me.
Oh, no problem.
We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
I did find out one fact: she was a guy.
Well, if Eddie Murphy can go on to do Dr.
Dolittle I suppose we can make this work.
Congratulations, Krusty.
You're running for Congress.
Why don't you pound that sign into your own lawn? Eh, I'm still undecided.
I vow to reach out to the Latino community.
- Aie-yai-yai! - What'd I say? You said, "You're going to vomit on their mother's graves.
" Oh, so that's why my maid quit.
I was the first clown to put a woman in sketches.
Miss Bada Boom Boom Boom.
She had more acting talent in one boob than most women have in their entire rack.
Hmm Aw.
Yeah, you with the million-dollar gams.
Don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be.
Yeah, listen to the tomato with the melons.
Hmm.
Oh, three-bean salad.
Sorry.
You can't join us.
This is a hundred-dollar-a-plate fundraiser.
For 200, you get a picture with me.
For a thousand, I can have somebody whacked.
Uh, it's a joke.
When you give me that look, it's a joke.
I'll have some more salad.
This is Kent Brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of Krusty opponent John Armstrong.
How can I prove we're live? Penis.
Now, here's the candidate.
Krusty is an insensitive bore, unfit for public office.
Take a look at this incredibly offensive sketch from his show.
I shall now call the roll.
France.
Oh, my cheese, she stinks.
No, wait.
It's me.
- Jamaica.
- Hey, man.
I call for a joint session.
This vote is dreadlocked.
San Francisco.
Hello there, sailor.
I'm here and fabulous.
Now, I'd like to make a motion.
Woo! You can't judge me by that sketch.
It was a different time, 1998.
Those jets keep going lower and lower.
Sorry.
Krusty, we're desperate here.
We need you to turn your campaign around.
Is it the Jewish thing? Because I can change that.
I'm Carlton Witherspoon III.
Where's my five iron? Krusty, I don't usually give advice to Republicans.
But it would be nice to be on the winning side for once.
You have to start making an honest connection with the voters.
Talk about how you can help regular families, like ours.
Help regular families, make an honest connection.
Krusty, why did you just drop your pants? I needed a joke to go out on.
Let me tell you all a story.
When the network offered me I threw my caviar in their face.
No.
Connect.
Uh, because I was thinking about the American family.
One family in particular who was stepped on by the government and had nowhere else to turn.
- Boring.
- I'm talking about the Simpsons.
Let him speak.
You know what? I'll never stop fighting for them.
Or for any other family that needs someone to stand up for them.
I like that clown.
He's really looking out for me, the average Joe Sixtooth.
Where'd you get yourself another tooth? Sidewalk.
If you send me to Washington, you'll all have a voice.
A voice that will go: Ahooga! Wah-wah! Wacka-wacka-wacka! Krusty.
Krusty.
People, tell me your problems.
I'll fix them all.
The government wants to shut me down the pipes under my toilet don't lead nowhere.
Elect me and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow.
I gotta go.
Don't forget to vote.
And watch out for the 612.
Welcome to Fox News.
Your voice for evil.
We'll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield's 24th Congressional district.
For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer, Krusty the Klown.
And for the Democrats, this guy.
I have a name.
Yes, I'm sure you do, comrade.
I do appreciate your being here, you're usually so mired in sleaze it must be an effort to come down to the studio.
- May I say something? - Certainly, congressman.
He hasn't won yet.
You make a very adulterous point.
We will now conclude this debate with a Krusty campaign commercial.
When a man loves his country Like Krusty loves America Krusty the Klown, the man from funny.
I've brought laughter to your homes three days a week, 18 weeks a year for 12 of the past 25 years.
But whenever America has needed me, I've been there.
Photographs have been modified to include Krusty.
Election night is so exciting.
I'm on pins and needles.
And I'm on Pepto and Xanax.
I'm so nervous, I kissed my dog and gave my girlfriend a flea bath.
Laugh it up.
That joke cost me a thousand bucks.
We're ready to announce a winner in Springfield's 24th Congressional District.
Yay! I won.
I'm a senator.
- Congressman.
- Whatever.
I swear to uphold and protect the Constitution of these United States.
So relax, gun nuts.
I can't touch you.
I'd like to introduce a bill banning air travel over residential areas.
Hey, hey.
What are you? An idiot? Freshmen congressmen don't introduce squat.
You gotta pee in a bucket until your second term.
But how am I supposed to serve my constituents? You can start by scrubbing off some of this Capitol Hill graffiti.
You got a lot of work ahead of you.
Grover Cleveland sucks what? Leave that, lest we forget.
Someone on this fakakta committee's gotta care about my Air Traffic bill.
I'm sorry, congressman.
But this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use.
I say we make them out of chocolate.
Kids eat them.
Why fight it? Oh, I need some air.
Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it.
I blather on for hours.
Yap-yap-yap-yap-yap-yap! There he is.
Krusty, we came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
Uh, let's see.
Did I promise to be a slave to big oil? - No.
- Well, then none.
Krusty, I can't believe you're giving up.
I thought you'd make a difference.
I voted for you.
How could you vote? You're only 10.
This is not about me.
Or how many times I voted.
You were gonna get rid of the airplanes over our house.
And now they're worse than ever.
Krusty, you've let everyone down.
And even worse, you let down this sacred document.
You're right.
It's time I made a difference.
Dad, this is a kid's menu where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument.
Stained with the blood of American patriots.
- That's jelly.
- From the unknown toaster.
I came here for a reason.
And I will not be silent until Hey, where is everybody? No one usually shows up unless there's a vote.
- Well, then why are you here? - I steal stuff when everyone's gone.
My Christmas shopping's done.
- Poor Krusty.
- We gotta do something to help him.
Yeah.
And to make things even more suspenseful our plane leaves in a half-hour.
Excuse me.
I think I can help.
I've been working in this town for a long time and, well, I know how to get things done.
Beat it, Waxie.
No.
Let's hear him out.
He looks a little like Walter Mondale.
Yeah, looks like.
Let's just say I know how a bill becomes law.
Oh, that's easy.
First it's introduced, then it goes to committee, then Wrong.
That's wrong.
Now, I'll show you how things really work around here.
Sorry, Krusty.
But there's no way I'm letting your airline rerouting bill out of committee.
Congressman, I have a tape here of you using your free mail privilege to send a get-well card to your aunt.
Ah! If they hear about this in Modesto, I'm ruined.
Maybe I wanted to be caught.
Now, Homer, that southern congressman is your biggest obstacle.
Your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote.
You think you can do it? Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.
How about a drinking contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill.
- How about before? - Ha! You remind me of my high school drinking coach.
Now, enough talking.
Let's drink.
Now, your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill.
One that can't fail.
The House will now consider the Flags for Orphans bill.
Okay, paperclip, do your stuff.
Now, we just need a distraction.
You call this a bicameral legislature? I say, I say, my groin.
We will now vote on the Flags for Orphans and Airline Rerouting Bill? Oh, well, it's paper-clipped.
Chairman Hayes, any objections? Congressman Beauregard? Hmm? I don't wanna fight no Union.
- All in favor? - Aye.
Motion carried.
The system works.
I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington.
And the reason it worked is because you all did your part.
But I didn't do anything.
I just passed the bill in three hours.
Quit complaining.
At last those planes are flying where they belong.
That's right, over the homes of poor people.