The Simpsons s15e03 Episode Script

The President Wore Pearls

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (CAMERA MACHINERY WHIRRING) Oh, boy! Casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.
I really shouldn't be here.
I have a problem with games of chance.
I played Candy Land with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
Aw, Marge.
I bet you've gotten that out of your system.
Bet? System? Betting system? God is telling me to gamble! (PEOPLE PROTESTING) Hey! Hey! Hey! Deal.
Hit me, hit me, hit me.
Busted.
(WHIMPERS) Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night.
My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism.
So relax, have fun and please God don't piss me off.
Congratulations, Mr.
Student Body President.
Your Casino Night is a huge success.
Thanks, Principal Skinner.
I got the idea from an episode of Saved by the Bell.
It was always on too late for me.
I'll put everything on lucky 17.
(REPEATING) D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh Woo-hoo! And the winner is 17! I win! This is it, baby.
First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One.
Ohhh! I'd like to cash in these chips.
Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.
Sir, this casino is for charity.
These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.
I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you! But I'm up $200,000.
Give me my money! Think I won't manhandle a little boy? You don't understand.
It's not real money.
None of these people have won any money.
What? Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.
(MILHOUSE SCREAMING) Look at me! I'm a big man! But I break just like a little girl.
Well, this was a disaster.
I should've known.
The same thing happened on Saved by the Bell.
Care for a milk? No, thank you.
Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.
I'll have that milk now.
Easy there.
That's whole milk.
I'm a private citizen now! I can drink what I like! You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore! (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I guess we're gonna need a new student body president.
We're from Acme Amusement Rental.
We're looking for Principal Skinner.
Uh.
Yes, we all are.
Whoo! (HUMMING) Oh! Hey, student body president! Ah! I can join past presidents like Otto, or Krusty Nelson, you're running for president? I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do have all the answer keys to every test.
(ALL CHEERING) Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving.
Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate license exam.
My ticket to freedom! (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson! I'm doomed.
(SIGHING) I can't beat Nelson.
Why don't you start a rumor that he's ding-a-ling-a-ling, hello! (GIGGLING EFFEMINATELY) What a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata! I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.
(VOCALIZING EFFEMINATELY) Honey, you could be popular.
You've just gotta be yourself in a whole new way! No.
I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration.
Fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options.
(LISPING) My name is Nelson.
I use a salad fork.
La-dee-dah! I wash my face! Where did you get that tutu? Clothesline.
(GIGGLING) And we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French! (SPEAKING FRENCH) What is she yakkin' about? I rest my case.
(SCATTERED COUGH) Nelson, rebuttal? Yo, everyone, it's me, Nelson! (ALL CHEERING) (CHANTING) Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! (SINGING) I'm not that cool I don't wear jeans I've polished an apple or two But every grade that I grubbed I grubbed it for you So call me Bookworm But I'll never squirm when there's work to be done Yes, I'll take my lunch at my desk While you're all outside having fun Don't vote for me kids of Springfield Unless you want an effective leader I'll talk to teachers I'll handle Skinner A vote for Lisa makes you the winner Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Vote Lisa! Hey, I've got a song, too.
(SINGING) I am Iron Man! (PLAYING AIR GUITAR) Vote for me! Ah, screw it.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks.
" Skinner! I'm worried.
This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself.
She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.
Yeah.
The students will do anything she says.
She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.
Yes.
Well, we've got to find a way to control her.
Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you've hired has some sort of toxin in his shack.
Yes.
Hello, Willie.
Well, if you ask me, a woman's weakness is her sense of vanity.
Vanity? You might have something there, Edna.
So when's my inauguration? Hmm.
Let's see.
When hell freezes over, tough guy.
You wanted to see me? Actually, Lisa, I wanted you to see you.
You're our president now.
But you look like the First Lady of Yawn.
What would you change? (SINGING) Eyes, pearls, smile hair points, dress, voice shoes, Swatch watch I may be the new girl But you can't brainwash me Just OshKosh B'Gosh me And then leave me be To fight for kid power I must be heard not seen I have to lead wisely Not just primp and preen Nails, dimples ears, scrunchie Purse, lunchbox teeth, Milhouse This outing up suits me There's beauty within me So let's Olsen twin me Give them someone to love This grownup makeover Has made me a super tween For they are my people and I am their queen Oh, Lisa.
You look so successful.
Like you're the wife of a businessman.
I wish I'd married a businessman.
Then I'd have nice things.
Well, it's a little over the top.
But there's no reason I can't look good and take back the playground from the gypsies.
(PLAYING FOLK TUNE) ls our Frisbee now.
Hey, Lisa! Can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.
Make it snappy, Milhouse.
I've got an important meeting in the Teachers' Lounge.
The Teachers' Lounge.
Is it true they make fun of students in there? Oh, don't be silly.
WILLIE: Look at me.
I'm Milhouse.
I tuck my shirt into me underpants.
(ALL LAUGHING) WILLIE: I've got no friends.
So I confide in Willie.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Oh, that's good Oh, hello, Lisa.
We were just discussing Vasco da Gama.
Well, I have some ideas for ways we can improve the classroom experience.
We need to get teachers more involved.
Have them meet with struggling kids in the morning before school.
Fine.
I'll come in early to meet with students.
And I'll have hypnotherapy when? Or we could hand out teachers' home phone numbers so kids can call them whenever they have questions.
I've got a question.
You're crazy.
Look, in the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance.
Outstanding notions.
Each more implementable than the last.
It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them.
Here's your schedule for the day.
"Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots.
" "Move the brush fire hazard needle"? Shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy? Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed.
Don't hide your light in a smoky back room making dusty old decisions.
(GIGGLING) Well, I am proud of my light.
But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall.
(GASPING) Use it anytime you like.
You mean I can come to the school after hours? Weekends? Even during the summer? Yes.
It's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder.
Just sign these authorization forms and you can be on your way.
(CHUCKLES) That little girl should learn to read things before she signs them.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.
No.
Just standard key release boilerplate.
Okay.
Boy, she'll believe anything.
"Key release boilerplate"? I find that very hard to believe.
Mmm-hmm.
And yet there it is.
I'll just lock this door.
Boy, this key opens everything.
(GROANS) And then as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.
I'm so proud of you, Lisa.
What? You're like Geraldine Ferraro.
Except you won where she failed miserably.
Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever! (SLOW APPLAUSE) (SARCASTICALLY) Bravo, Lisa.
Bravo.
Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
I was being sarcastic.
You were? (SARCASTICALLY) No, I was being sincere.
Oh, I'm so confused.
Lise, Skinner is using you like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) I'm so happy with my evil plan Say goodbye to music gym and art Soon we will have the perfect school Where fun and excitement never start I'm so drunk I can barely see But it helps me get through another day My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt I've got to go puke in some hay Lisa is a fool I think the rules are cool I've fallen in the pool SEYMOUR: Mmm! Not a cloud in the sky.
A perfect day to unveil Operation S.
L.
A.
A.
A.
M.
So Long Athletics, Art, and Music.
Care for a t-shirt? T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"? (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) Forgive me, sir.
(GASPING) They've taken everything.
Oh, no.
(WEEPING) Look what they've done to my triangle.
(PANTING) I'm doing it! I'm almost to the top! Hello, self-esteem! Repo man! Ahhh! Ow! (LAUGHS) I love this job.
"All extra-curricular activities are hereby canceled," "to be replaced by nothing!" (ALL GASPING) Who would sign such an order? "As ordered by Principal Skinner" "and approved by Student Body President Lisa Simpson!" (ALL GASPING) And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance! I would've gone with you.
Well, you still can! Well, I don't feel like it now.
Oh! That's cool.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
(RUMBLING) Look, they're taking away the art room! I'll be cooking my Lean Cuisine in your kiln tonight! (LAUGHING EVILLY) (SINGING) What have I done? What they wanted you to Skinner betrayed me But a tango takes two I almost had a date.
I've gotta tell Willie about this.
(IN A SING-SONG VOICE) Lisa is a sellout.
Lisa is a sellout.
Lisa, what's a sellout? With the band gone, how will I know who to beat up? They eliminated English for Fat Kids! Okay, you'll do! Lise, you made this school even worse.
And it wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.
They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name.
Lisa, you've got to stand up to these guys.
And when you do, people will remember you.
Just look at these postage stamps.
There's Bugs Bunny, Fat Elvis, Autumn in New England, Bats of the Southwest, all heroes.
Do you want to see Elvis kiss a bat? (MIMICKING ELVIS PRESLEY) Hey, baby, come here.
I want to kiss you.
(KISSING) Squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me.
You tricked me into betraying my fellow students! Lisa, student government is meaningless.
Look at your constitution.
It's written on the back of a place mat.
And not a good place mat.
It's from someplace called "Doodles.
" I see.
Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school? I can't see the harm.
I hereby resign as your president.
And for my last act I call a general student strike effective immediately! Gimme that! Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined unless all of you do it.
Then I'm stymied.
(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Strike! Lisa, please help me lure them back.
I had to do what I did.
Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants.
Seymour! Quit using me in analogies.
Yes, Mother.
Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art! What about gym? Meh.
(CHANTING) Hey, hey, Seymour S.
Nurture our well-roundedness! Sneeze, puke, burp, fart, we want music, gym, and art! Why didn't I cancel Sign Making and Creative Chanting? Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs? Would you be willing to pay an extra $1 .
23 in taxes to fund them? No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.
(CHANTING) Strike! Strike! Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother.
You do? Cool.
A blank check for mayhem.
Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.
Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym? They've taken away our crepe paper.
Those Fudruckers! (SIRENS WAIL) Oh, no.
They heard me.
Remember, boys.
These are little kids.
So take out your tiny batons.
(CHUCKLES) Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen.
Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you? You mean, the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread (SOBS SOFTLY) Sit down, boys! We're joining this strike! Chief, are you sure the mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you? Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I? Yes, Chief, you could.
Well, let me ask you this.
Shut up.
The Springfield student strike has entered its fourth day with no end in sight.
Today professional buttinski Michael Moore arrived on the scene.
Kids who don't get to take music and art are 10% more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies.
Where did you get that statistic? Your mother! The student strikers have been joined by other unions including the Springfield Goat Milkers, the Association of News Room Cue Card Holders Ow.
And the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies.
Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice.
At the heart of the strike is former student body president, Lisa Simpson.
Her brother had this to say.
Lisa is a nut.
She has a rubber butt.
Every time she turns around, it goes putt putt.
Indeed.
But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days.
It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.
Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school! Willie, can't you turn your hose on them? They are wee children.
I'd sooner turn it on myself.
Well, that's a good idea, too.
Now see here, you nose-wiping hair-combers! Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike.
All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top.
Then one day the mine collapsed.
No one made it out alive.
Not even Willie! Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.
You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.
Yes.
In fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.
If we stand together, we are strong! (ALL CHEERING) Lisa Simpson, you have just been transferred to the Springfield Magnet School for the Gifted and Troublesome.
Please climb into the idling bus.
But, but I (SINGING) Poor Lisa Poor Lisa Don't cry for me kids of Springfield You can still reach me through e-mail at Smart Girl 63 underscore back slash at Yahoo dot com, at Yahoo dot com (SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh, this place is paradise! Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all.
Just like my last massage.
I'm not driving You can't go to that school! But this is my dream.
Oh, why can't you have a normal dream like being an Olympic figure skater? Okay.
Let me take figure skating.
Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at 6:30 every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me.
LISA: Well, what can I be? HOMER: I don't know.
How about a horse whisperer? LISA: Okay! HOMER: Over my dead body! English - US - PSDH