The Simpsons s15e04 Episode Script

The Regina Monologues

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) Look, Smithers.
Crackle-berries! Spot me a federal, will you? Sir, I've spotted you over $100,000 this year.
Perhaps you could carry your own money.
(LAUGHING) Money is for the poor.
Why don't you use your ATM card? Ah! Yes.
The automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton.
(GRUNTING) Oh, Smithers, guide me in.
My pleasure, sir.
Smithers, what's my password? It's your age, sir.
Excellent.
Let's see.
What's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars! Oh! Oh! My moolah! It's escaping my clutches! (BUZZING) Your kid sucks! Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey Dads.
Commence fighting! Hockey Dad rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! Dad, stop! It's only assault.
Don't make it murder! Ignore.
Ignore.
ANNOUNCER: You are a big man.
Big man! (GASPS) What? There's a ladybug in your hair.
Get it out! Get it out! Got it.
You're a good friend, Bart.
The best you'll ever have.
$1,000.
Do you know how much furniture we could rent with this? You'll rent nothing! This money is mine.
I found it.
Which means someone lost it.
You'll have to put up flyers and see if anyone claims it.
(BOTH GASPING) Marge, this is why people don't tell you things.
(CHUCKLING) Well, we put up a flyer.
Let's see someone claim that money now.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, what does that flyer say? What if it's for guitar lessons? We must know! I'm on it.
Uh-oh! You know the drill.
Try to land on my back-fat.
Can you describe the bill? Describe? Sure.
Of course.
Whose picture's on it? It would have to be somebody famous.
I'm gonna say, Hitler.
Next.
Does the bill have bank teller blood on it? No, it doesn't.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
That's the last of them.
You did the right thing, Bart.
And now you can keep the money.
Sweet.
What am I gonna do with $1,000? (SINGING) It's Bart's moon party from outer space With R2-D2 playing the bass Hmm.
No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres.
(IN SING-SONG) it's Bart's moon party from outer space What? Bart, why don't you spend the money on something for Mom? She does so much for us.
Well, someday I'd like to go on a nice vacation.
We've gone on plenty of great vacations.
Yeah.
But you always wind up kidnapped or on a chain gang.
And I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon.
HOMER: I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged.
Oh, forget it.
Bart, don't waste your money on me.
(SIGHING) Great, lady.
MILHOUSE: Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie.
I completely buy the illusion of shadow.
This must be worth like a million dollars! (CLOCK DINGS) Time's up.
Beat it, do-rags.
I want to see it some more.
If you let me keep looking at it, I'll give you a quarter.
Hmm.
This gives me an idea.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL GASPING IN ADMIRATION) What's all this other stuff? Hey, I'm charging five bucks to get in.
They deserve to see the boy behind the bill.
Bart, that exhibit over there is biased, insensitive, and anti-feminist! Ugh! You can't whitewash history, Lise.
What do I get if I join the museum as a "Friend of Bart"? A subscription to BARTFORUM Magazine, and Bart will say "Eat my shorts" on your home answering machine.
How much to have Bart crank call me? (CHUCKLING) That would be hilarious.
That's just me, though.
You know, I love to laugh.
Young man, I believe you have something that belongs to me.
Prove it, Bony Curtis.
When the errant bill struck my chest, it left a distinctive bruise.
Had my heart been inside at the time, it could've been fatal.
BART: it's a perfect match! Yoink! (SCOFFS) Without that bill, this ain't a museum.
The Hard Rock Cafe in Phoenix has better crap.
I'm recycling this pin in disgust! Bart, your museum took in over $3,000.
Finally, I can get what I've always wanted.
A used Toyota.
Bart, I don't care what Mom said.
I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation.
Well Okay.
For Mom, I'll do it.
Where should we go? Well, I'd like to return to Brazil, but I hear the monkey problem is even worse now.
I wanna go to England.
How come? Back in 1944, I was stationed over there.
And I met a beautiful girl.
Edwina, my slowly opening flower, I'm shipping out in the morning.
Won't you make this night memorable? Anything for you, my brave Yank.
EDWINA: I say.
Ohhh! Nice.
ABE: Little did I know I really was shipping out in the morning! I'll never forget you, Edwina! But I did Until just now! Grampa, that's so romantic.
We gotta go to England! That sounds great.
But only if your father promises to behave.
Marge, I'll be on my best behavior.
You have my word as a gentleman and a lady.
Now let's see.
Which rifle should I bring? (GRUNTS IN DESPAIR) Hello.
Welcome to the United Kingdom.
Prime Minister Tony Blair? Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport? Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21 st century Britain.
Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? No! But thank you.
Tony l mean, Mister Prime Minister, what shall we see first? There's so much to see here.
Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover.
Oh, and you Americans love castles.
There's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
The place I was born is now a gator farm.
Smashing.
Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country.
I'd love to but I'm late for an appointment.
I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23.
Cheerio.
Wow! I can't believe we met Mr.
Bean! England is so classy.
Every cab has its own butler.
Actually, I'm not a butler.
I had already hired this cab when you got in.
But the more the merrier, and all that.
(CHUCKLING) Make with the tea, Jeeves.
Yes.
Very good, sir.
We're big shot tourists from everyone's favorite country, the USA.
We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant! So give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit! I wouldn't dream of it, sir.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Did you spend an unforgettable night with a soldier from the US Army in 1944? You did? Was he from the 1 st infantry Division? He was? And was he a gentle, caring lover? He was? Sorry I bothered you.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her.
Aw, Dad.
I wish there was something I could do.
Touch that mini bar and you're dead! Oh Look.
It's J.
K.
Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books.
You've turned a generation of kids on to reading.
Thank you, young muggle.
Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series? He grows up and marries you.
Is that what you want to hear? Yes.
All right, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish & Chips.
SQUEAKY-VOICED BRITISH TEEN: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish & Chips.
Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease.
" Fish? I don't know.
I'm not really a vegetarian.
Please order or Miss Dench'll be furious.
She'll beat us, she will.
JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? TEEN: No one, Mum! I swear! JUDI DENCH: I'll "mum" you! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) TEEN: Blimey! Well, Marge.
You gotta admit, I've been on my best behavior this trip.
You punched out three people on the street.
That was over soccer results.
Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box? Do you understand any part of what you just said? I understand the word "gave," unless it means something else in this country! Word to the wise.
British candy is a bit sweeter than what you're used to across the pond.
Look, teabag, just fork over the brown.
BOTH: Mmm! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH GIGGLING MANIACALLY) Homie, I don't think we'll be able to find the kids from up here.
Now, now.
Let's just look.
There's Big Ben.
There's Piccadilly Circus.
There's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American black music who ever walked the earth.
There's the kids.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH GROANING) Well, look at those filthy urchins.
Surely they could never be taught proper manners.
One gold sovereign says I could do just that.
(CHUCKLING) it's a bet, Lord Daftwager! You can't bet on my kids! This is America, pal! Don't worry.
We'll find more wagers.
I love you, Lord Daftwager.
Yes.
And I you.
Yes, quite.
Ohhh! Look at all these classy British plays.
I don't have a cherry orchard.
(GASPS) Sir lan McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor.
Thank you, my dear.
Please take these free tickets to my play.
What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all! What? By saying Macbeth? Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth! Ah! Now I've said it! (CRACKLING) Ohhh! This is cool! Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bart! Stop saying Macbeth! (CRACKLING) Mom, you said Macbeth! (CRACKLING) Mr.
Macbeth, I'm really sorry.
That's quite all right.
You didn't know.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
Good luck! It's bad luck to say that, too! (ALL GASPING) Homie, you're doing a great job driving on the left.
This is turning out to be our most enjoyable trip ever.
Yes, this trip is entirely uneventful.
(CHUCKLING) (TIRES SCREECHING) Dad, no! You turned into a roundabout! ALL: Whoa! Whoa! MARGE: Turn, turn, keep turning.
Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning.
HOMER: I see an opening! MARGE: No, it's too risky! We'll just wait till the traffic thins out! Turn, turn.
Keep turning, keep turning, keep turning.
(GROGGILY) Keep turning, keep turning.
That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best! Unilaterally! (CARS HONKING) (ALL SCREAMING) Ahhh! Okay, I'm gonna go over there and see if they're cool.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, you can buff that out.
We can buff that out.
That's factory error.
Oh, that thing is supposed to be on fire.
Lady, please.
Get back in your overturned car.
Let the guys handle this.
We'll deal with him, Your Majesty.
(SCOFFS) Your Majesty? (MIMICS WHIPPING) Dad, you rear-ended the Queen of England! The Queen of what? (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (TRUMPET BLOWING) MAN: Changing of the guard! (GROANING) HOMER: Wait! We have to exchange insurance! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (JUDGE POUNDING GAVEL) Homer Simpson, you are hereby charged with damaging the Royal Coach and putting several dents in the Royal Horse.
How do you plead? M'Lord, we Americans love queens.
Be they homecoming or dairy.
This woman, however, is an imposter! (ALL GASPING) Her luggage is inscribed "H.
R.
H.
" Which means her real name must be Henrietta R.
Hippo! Why did you let him be his own barrister? What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen! I guess it's just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.
Your Honor, I've completely disappointed my wife.
That's punishment enough.
You understand these things.
You're a grandmother.
I'm a man! (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) And a very manly one if I may say so, m'Lord.
If I might say a word? (ALL GASPING) I haven't had an easy life.
I've seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy, and then as I was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this great lumbering brute! Boy, she's good.
If she were 100 years younger and I were 100 years older Oh! If there is any love left in you for me, destroy him! America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones! (BIRD CAWING) In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR) Look at his great staring eyes.
Like saucers they are.
(IN MOCK BRITISH ACCENT) He claimed he was me father, he did.
Bart, you're not helping.
Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab! Come on, queue up, lads.
Oh, Marge, I am so sorry.
I should've listened to whatever it was you were saying.
It's partly my fault.
I've been nagging you so much on this trip, you couldn't know which nags to focus on.
Well, Marge, if I die here, there's one thing I want you to remember.
Don't buy any videotapes in England! They won't work in our VCR! (SOBBING) Dear God of England, please let me go.
In return, I will spell the word "color" with a "U.
" And I will use the metric system with every cubic milliliter of blood in my Oh, I can't do it! It's so stupid! BART: Dad! Huh? Oh! We found a secret tunnel out of the Tower! It was used by Sir Walter Raleigh! A secret tunnel? I don't know.
Won't that get me in more trouble? Homer, you couldn't be in more trouble.
They're going to put your head on a pike.
They're practicing with melons.
Smash it on! Don't worry it.
Let the pike do the work.
Okay, what do I do? Push the gray brick in the back of the fireplace! Sweet freedom, here I Ahhh! (SIZZLING) Put out the fire first! Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts.
Goodbye, sparkly elves! ALL: Goodbye! Oh, my God.
We've made a terrible mistake.
This tunnel comes out in the worst possible place! An elephant's butt? Yes, Bart.
An elephant's butt.
Boy, a Krispy Kreme would really clean up down here.
Hey, this place is amazing! It's fit for a Duke, or even an Earl Oh! (BLOWS SHRILL BLAST) Uh-oh.
The Queen's in trouble! And you didn't want to give her a whistle! (SCREAMS) Please, Your Majesty.
I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon.
But we Americans are England's children.
I know we don't call as often as we should and we aren't as well-behaved as our goody two-shoes brother Canada, who by the way has never had a girlfriend.
I'm just saying.
But please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me.
That was very sweet of the Queen letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
MADONNA: (IN FAKE BRITISH ACCENT) I'm telling you, I'm English.
English women don't pump gas naked.
See you in Atlanta, bitch! EDWINA: Abe Simpson.
Are you leaving again without saying goodbye? Edwina, you got my message! Sorry I never saw you again.
I just felt the cultural differences between us were too great.
Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat.
You don't have to apologize, Abe.
You Yanks saved our bacon.
Mmm! Bacon.
(DROOLING) Abe, this is my daughter Abbey.
She's 58, this month.
Fifty-eight? Well, 59 years ago, your mother and I were have Oh! Well, gotta go! See you in heaven! Mummy, he's everything you said he was.
Lady, you're gorgeous.
You make Dame Edna look like a dude.
Why, thank you.
You're all right, love.
(MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) English - US - PSDH