The Simpsons s15e08 Episode Script

Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) That's a salt-water croc, the largest reptile in the world! Oh, crikey! She's got me by the dangle-down! This naughty little Sheila can snap a man's ribcage like (CRACKING) Like that! (SCREAMS) Hey, I'm watching that! Not anymore.
ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: Malibu Stacey wants a craft room and Malibu Ken needs a closet for all his beach thongs.
They'll get help from designer Jeremy on, Dollhouse Do-Overs.
We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box.
Oh, I missed the feeding frenzy.
I hope you're happy.
Obviously, yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) MAN ON TV: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.
ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: We'll be right back with Who Will Marry a Million Bears! (SINGING) I like ice cream I like ice cream How about you? Look, Maggie! A show for babies! Topped with chocolate syrup Whipped cream too Mom, that's Roofi.
His music is why babies are idiots.
Well, Maggie likes Roofi.
And babies only like good things.
Why don't you let us watch TV and get her a Roofi CD? Bart! (IN PIG LATIN) Ap-cray.
ROOFI: (SINGING) One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks it's on batteries.
Clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Backed up by solar power.
(GROANS) Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! Look, Maggie.
Funny Daddy! (GROANING) Too hard.
Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six (SCREAMING) Three, four, pick up the floor (SHUDDERS) (BELL RINGING) Time to go home, Bart.
You don't understand.
I can't go home.
You got to give me detention.
Look! I fed the gerbil coffee! Ah! (INDIFFERENT GRUNT) Please, make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times! We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.
Now go home.
(SINGING) So he went upstairs and knocked on the door There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Twenty-eighth floor, twenty-eighth floor There's a helpful bear on the 28th floor Aw! Look how happy she is.
Her eyes aren't focused.
(GROWLS) it makes her happy.
(MUSIC STARTS) So does sucking on the dog.
Hello, Springfield.
Roofi is coming to your town.
One show only.
Tickets will go fast, very fast.
So your parents should be getting in line.
If you don't come, Roofi will be sad.
And the helpful bear, she will die! (COUGHING) (SINGING) Tickets, tickets buy them now Roofi he will show you how Visa, AMEX or MC Or make out that check to me! Give Daddy the remote, Maggie.
Give Daddy the D'oh! (LAUGHS) Oh, wise guy, eh? (GROANING) MARGE: I got the Roofi tickets! I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity, not like Janie's mom.
(HORNS HONKING) (GASPS) This concert is oversold.
It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously.
ANNOUNCER: And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter.
Not guilty! The Teletubbies! (CHEERING) Custard! Custard! Custard! They make The Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good.
Oh, the second one wants custard, too? That's a little repetitive.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, no! It's raining! And Maggie's diapers are extra absorbent.
(CRYING) How's the crowd, Steve? Awful fussy.
You kidding me? Did you make funny faces? You did? Well, did you jiggle your keys? I did it all, man! ANNOUNCER: And now, here's Roofi! (SINGING) Sing the nonsense song with me Yum yum wow Woop de we Flibberty flabberty one two three Ow! Okay, who threw that? Who threw it? REPORTER ON TV: A play date with disaster at Cletus' farm.
I'm at the first aid tent where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo-boos.
Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line.
Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible? (TYLER COOING) (BEEPING) (GASPING) All right, that's it.
Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't want to go in there.
Some of those babies have their teeth.
And those super sharp little fingernails.
Better leave it to the professionals.
I don't feel right clubbing women and children, chief.
I hear ya.
Some days are tougher than others.
Just close your eyes and club.
CLANCY: This is it, boys.
We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out.
(BLOWING TUMMY KISSES) (BABIES LAUGHING) LOU: This is a bouncer one here, Chief.
KENT: Baby's got backlash! Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies.
Bad babies, yes, you was.
They destroyed my home and the equity I'd built up therein.
Asked if he intends to take legal action, the farmer replied, "I ain't fungified" "hidee-hoo about no legrification noways," then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.
That riot has far-reaching consequences.
Kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore.
I have no sister city! The babies' damage exceeds $1 million.
Which will now be sucked out of your pockets.
MAN: My loose change! Let me now introduce a woman who wants to make sure that what I just did never happens again.
Good evening.
I'm Lindsay Naegle.
And I am the founder of SSCCATAGAPP.
Singles Seniors Childless Couples and Teens and Gays against Parasitic Parents.
Catchy name.
(CLAMORING) We're tired of picking up the bills for other people's kids.
We already pay millions every year in school taxes.
CROWD: Yeah! Excuse me, everyone.
I'm a mother.
(BOOING) And I'm an American.
CROWD: Yeah! I bake apple pies.
CROWD: Yeah! And I love baseball.
(BOOING) Save your breath for blowing up water wings, breeder.
I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV! Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did.
Children are the future.
Today belongs to me! CROWD: Yeah! You can't change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them! Promises were made! Tough tortellini! I'm sick of printing a children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! We're tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays! Then how would we ever get to see Camelot? We'll merely watch the movie on tape! Is that better? To me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.
(SINGING) If ever I would leave you it wouldn't be in summer! (BOOING) Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child friendly thing in town! (CROWD CHEERING) (SQUEAKY VOICE) it's time to put away childish things (DEEP VOICE) and become a man! MAN: Talkin' 'bout my generation I hope I die before I get old CALCULATOR: Y? Y? Y? Why don't you all fade away Talkin' 'bout my generation And don't try to dig what we all say KENT: Kids are people, too.
Worthless incomplete people.
That's the battle cry as single Springfield-ites are continuing to run roughshod over children and families.
From now on, children acting up in public places will be lightly tased.
CHILD: Mommy, pick me up.
And in downtown Springfield, a statue is being erected to America's most misunderstood hero, "The deadbeat dad.
" That's all? Just a statue? This country makes me sick.
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign Blockin' out the scenery Breakin' my mind Do this, don't do that Can't you read the sign? (CHANTING) Gamble, gamble, gamble! (SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
Miss Naegle, I'm sorry to surprise you like this.
But I thought if we met face to face, we could settle our differences.
Well, let's make it quick.
I know you have to get back to your kids and I'm late for a skydiving massage.
I'll cut to the chase.
I've brought with me the very best reason I can think of for what I believe in.
Her name is Lisa.
And I wouldn't trade her for all the sleep-in Sundays and speed dating in the world.
Miss Naegle, even though I disagree with your principles, I certainly admire your success.
Well, Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.
Mom, I locked your keys in the car.
Then wait in the shadows! Also Maggie puked in your purse again.
Poor me.
All my purse is full of is disposable income.
Sorry, Marge.
I don't think I'll ever understand your point of view.
Not even with all my free time.
Then I guess this means war with the most powerful weapon at my disposal, a voter-sponsored initiative.
(GASPS) You wouldn't dare! I've already drawn up the petition.
Well, I'm not worried.
You won't get that thing on the ballot until the November general election.
The March primary.
Mom, can we get a pretzel? We've got pretzels at home.
Not cinnamon.
Well, we finally got things the way we want them.
Not a highchair or complementary crayon in sight.
I'm gonna tell an anecdote about lovemaking without having to look around.
Truly we have entered a golden age.
(SCREAMING) MARGE: Attention, everyone.
I wish to announce the formation of PPASSCCATAG.
Proud Parents Against Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays.
PPASSCCATAG is also a disease of the brainstem.
That's how I'll remember it.
(LAUGHS) To overturn these horrible anti-family laws, we've prepared the Families Come First initiative.
Now, the first thing we're gonna need is money.
I'm so sorry, Marge.
But I guess you get the bill? Oh, for the love of pizza! Luigi Risotto? That's me.
I'm from the US immigration Department.
Save our families! Sign our petition! The only petitions that I sign are to bring back canceled sitcoms.
Thank you.
America needs the wisdom of Herman's Head now more than ever.
Well, howdy, ma'am.
I represent the tobacco lobby.
And frankly, no politics gets done in this country without a little help from us.
(MARGE GASPS IN SURPRISE) Now we own you! But I haven't endorsed it yet! Football injury.
(LAUGHS) Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen.
Forget it.
(ROARS) I guess no one gives a damn about the American family anymore.
I'll sign your petition.
Burns? You care about children? Yes.
Particularly their supple young organs.
Oh, unfenced backyard pools, where would I be without you? Hey, if Burns is signing that petition, maybe we should, too.
Rich guys always want what's best for everyone.
Coming up later, what your dog can tell you about your prostate.
But first, Marge Simpson's "Families Come First" initiative seems to be gaining steam.
Leading her opponents to counter with this commercial.
As a mother, I love my family.
That's why I'm against the "Families Come First" initiative.
"Families Come First" will hurt families.
And I love my family too much for that.
(IMITATING MARGE) I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First.
" Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife.
That ad makes me look like a criminal! Then why did you appear in it? That wasn't me! Maybe she was you and you're not! How many kids do we have? Three.
Wrong, lady! Oh, wait.
The baby.
MARGE: I try my best.
They ridicule me.
They mock everything I cherish.
Honey, this marriage is a partnership.
When you fall, I pick you up.
And when you can't finish a sandwich, I eat that sandwich.
You're my rock, Homie.
And I promise this rock is gonna weigh you down for the rest of your life.
Aw! Honey, no one messes with my missus.
I'll come down on those guys like the garage door on Bart's bike! What are you going to do? You just leave everything to Homer.
And now I believe you owe me half a sandwich.
I always keep one near the bed for you.
Here comes my commercial.
In six, five, four I probably should've watched it first.
HOMER: You've probably heard a lot of bad things about "Families Come First.
" But newspaper writers are a bunch of jerks.
Who really opposes "Families Come First?" Many childless advocates are like Ben Affleck.
Famous, successful people from out of state! They live in fancy houses in other places.
"Families Come First" is supported by life-long Springfieldians you know and trust.
Like me, Milhouse's dad, Bumblebee Man, Surly Duff, and that jerk that goes, "Yes!" For more information, visit our We're not affiliated.
We're just piggy-backing on their message board.
I am Rudy Giuliani.
Do as I command you.
I am Rudy Giuliani.
Do as I command you.
It says, "Yes on 232.
" We want no on 232! Yes on 242! Either way.
The important thing is the system works.
And the bumper stickers misspelled "on.
" They all say, "Yes No 242.
" And it's the night before the election and you haven't handed them out! I need to be alone right now.
Marge, wait! I am Rudy Giuliani.
You must forgive Homer.
I am Rudy Giuliani.
You must forgive Homer.
I am Bart, we're gonna lose.
We have to do something! Lisa, kids are the problem.
Maybe kids can be the solution! Okay.
But how? Hey, I'm the visionary.
You come up with the nuts and bolts.
Hmm Oh, my God! I just had my most brilliant idea ever! Don't you mean "my" most brilliant idea ever? You don't even know what the idea is.
I know you have an ugly face.
Bart, why are we fighting? Because we're kids.
Kids! Maybe that's the answer! (GROANS) There's the enemy.
Give them all you got.
I love you.
I love glue! I love you! Aw! Such a sweet little thing.
Time to destroy your future.
Feeling flu-ish, fever, nausea, child germs.
Must participate in democratic process.
(GROANS) I'm afraid the polls have closed.
And on Prop 242, the winner is yes! (ALL GROANING) For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures, children.
Looks like everything's back the way it was which is the only way it should ever be.
Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.
Can I bring my laser pointer? What do I care? ROOFI: (SINGING) One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! One, two, tie your shoe Three, four, pick up the floor Five, six, don't play tricks Seven, eight, clean your plate Nine, ten, start over again! English - US - PSDH
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