The Simpsons s15e09 Episode Script

I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Bart, I got it! I ran here as fast as I Bart, that creepy kid is here.
(VULTURES CAWING) Hey, Milhouse! Oh, what's this? (READING) Oh, wow! This'll look great on my bike.
Flame decal for the chain guard, Marine Corps tassels, bullet-proof seat, and a rub-on tattoo for that special someone.
That's me.
(READING) Oh! MAN: (SINGING) Why don't you come with me, little girl On a magic carpet ride Now to turn on the moto-mimic.
(BIKE MIMICS MOTORCYCLE ENGINE) it sounds like a motorcycle gang.
And we don't have backup! We'd better lay low.
But Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou.
That is one bitchin' bike.
Daddy said a cuss word! Lighten up, Roddy.
NELSON: Ha-ha! It's the baby bike brigade.
Hey, Bart.
I used to have a bike like that.
Back before I was born.
Oh, no.
They've got big boy bikes.
Thanks for the tassels.
My mom can wear these on her boobs at work.
(LAUGHS) Hey, give those back! Gentlemen, first gear.
(GROANING) Oh, man, I sure wish I had a ten-speed bike.
A ten-speed bike? What did your mother say? She said, "Yes.
" MARGE: I said no! I'm confused.
Which is it? MARGE: it's no! His old bike is fine.
Yeah, the kitchen lady's right.
No new bike while your old one still works.
I see.
So if my old bike didn't work, I would automatically get a new one? That's right.
No questions asked.
(LAUGHS) Boy, I'm really gonna miss you.
We've really had some great Ooh! A Mercedes! DR.
HIBBERT: What the Halle Berry? Yes! (GASPS) My bike! My crappy, crappy bike! I'm very sorry, Bart.
I'll pay for a new bike.
(LAUGHS) This was a wakeup call.
From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my Kool & the Gang air freshener.
Celebration's over, boys.
(CAT SCREECHING) (THUD) (GASPS) Snowball! (SOBBING) Snowball ll, I can't believe you're gone.
I wrote this poem for you.
It's called "Cat Math.
" "Four paws, plus one tail," "plus nine lives equals one special cat.
" "One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl.
" I know how you feel, Lise.
No kid wants to outlive their pet.
Oh, sweetie, when I was your age, I lost my guinea pig, Cinnamon.
And I thought the pain would never (GASPS) Oh, Cinnamon! It should've been me who chewed through that extension cord! There, there, you're both right.
Son, would you like to ride your new bike out of the store? Can I? For true? For true, Son.
Hey, pally.
I don't want to downshift your enthusiasm but that's a floor model.
Your bike is in here.
I could put it together right now for a small assembly fee.
Here we go.
Now it starts with the fees.
I'll assemble it myself.
Dad, no! Think of the bike! I can make a bike.
I made you.
Yeah, great workmanship.
Hey, that's gonna win you a lot of bar bets someday.
Man, this is so confusing.
What the hell is this? Oh! (GASPS) Bike's over there.
You actually did it.
You're the coolest, Dad.
(CHUCKLES) Look what my dad just built for me.
ALL: Whoa! Hey, guys.
This butt's for you.
Oh, no! No one does this to Dolph! No one! (LAUGHS) Uh-oh! Whoa! I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down.
This should be every boy's dream.
Ha-ha! Your dad's not handy.
Son, are you okay? I brought a homemade first aid kit! It's spring-loaded for quick access.
(SCREAMING) Oh ANNOUNCER 1 ON TV: We now return to Robot Rumble on the Testosterone Network! All right! ANNOUNCER 2 ON TV: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steakhouse.
"And you won't be teed off when you come in" "because our steaks are cooked to par-fection.
" "Our leader bar is filled with scrumptious" Two more pages? I'm not reading this.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, boy.
What do you say we build a robot? Face it.
You're not the most mechanical guy in the world.
But you're good at other things like eating while driving! That's something! And nobody gets madder at the news! First of all, thank you.
Secondly My son thinks I'm an oaf.
Mom, I'm not sure I'm ready for a new cat.
When Bad Things Happen to Cute Children says that a new pet will pull you out of your sorrow cycle.
That book doesn't know how I feel.
Oh, it's very wise.
It's written by a Rabbi, who surfs! All right.
I'll look.
Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck up.
Infected eye, clearly a skunk.
(GASPS) Meow! Welcome to the family, Snowball lll.
There's nothing worse than the look on a boy's face when he says, "Dad, I don't think you can build a fully functional robot.
" (SCREAMS) Robot, I command you, do something cool.
Oh.
I could quit now, but then my son will never look up to me.
Oh, why was I born a dad? Why do I suck? Wait a minute.
What is it my dad always said to me? If you can't build a robot, be a robot.
That's it! (KRUSTY CLOCK LAUGHING) KRUSTY CLOCK: It's Tuesday, the first.
If you live in Krusty Brand low-income housing, your rent is due! (YAWNS) (SCREAMS) "Dear Bart, if this robot doesn't prove I love you," "then you can both go to hell.
" (GRUNTS) Hey, it didn't fall apart.
Cool! Now stop! (GASPS HAPPILY) Smash this six-pack! (CHUCKLING) Oh, awesome.
I gotta tell Milhouse! Oh, the beer's gone.
I'll have to suck it out of the shag.
(SINGING) You plop the cat food down You toss the tin can out You drop the worm pills in And you stir it all about You add a lot of lovin' and you serve it to your cat That's what it's all Snowball lll? (GASPS) (SOBBING) Oh, Lisa.
Honey, it's okay.
You're a Buddhist.
So you know your cats are now reincarnated as a higher form of life.
Like a dog or a snowman.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
We gotta go fight some robots! Come on, Homer.
How long does it take to go to the bathroom? Huh? "Dear Bart" HOMER: I'd love to be with you.
But I just remembered an old Army buddy has come to town.
Will meet you later.
Love, Dad.
Well, I wish Homer was here.
But don't worry.
I've got a name all picked out for you.
Chief Knock-A-Homer, let's win this one for Dad! (HOMER BLEEPS) ANNOUNCER 1: In this corner, operated by Frank Murray and little Frankie Junior, Buzzkill! And in this corner, the challenger.
Chief Knock-A-Homer! There's no love lost between these emotionless devices.
Robots rumble! Go, go, go! Go! Go! Oh, jeez.
I'm the only one in the audience over 15.
Are you here with your children, sir? Yeah, my two kids, Screw and You.
(SCREAMING) ANNOUNCER 2: What's this? Knock-A-Homer has dropped his hammer.
Doin' it for the boy.
Pain is love.
To bleed is to care.
ANNOUNCER 2: Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people.
He's killing him softly with his saw.
Killing him softly? With his saw.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Woo-hoo! I mean, beep-beep.
Mom, I'm not sure if I'm ready to open my heart again.
But this kitten's name is Coltrane.
Maybe it's a sign.
Coltrane? Lisa, I'm glad you're ready to love again.
But a kitty needs a proper name, like Whiskers or Paws Skaggs.
Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him.
You got to name me.
You should be glad I did.
Your father wanted to call you "Bartzina.
" Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake? (PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHING) (THUD) Coltrane! "Coltrane, you were with us only briefly" "but we will always have the ride home from the shelter.
" And, um, I guess that's it.
Amen.
And Lord, if you think I'm making lemon bars for your bake sale Sunday, you better stop killing our cats.
Mom, I'm not sure God responds to threats and intimidation.
It's the only way to talk to bullies.
Then Knock-A-Homer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer! (LAUGHS) Pretended.
Dad, what are all those cuts? Various bug bites and wounds.
Now stop interrupting your brother.
In my day, mechanical men had funnel heads and showed respect! Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories.
There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad What a handsome lad That's my boy B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad Well, that ain't too bad 'Cause that's my boy Well, you can have your TV and your nightclubs And you can have your drive-in picture show ANNOUNCER 1: Well, if you ever want to see a mailbox shoot a boy, that's about as close as you're gonna get.
Dad, it was so great.
Knock-A-Homer really took a pounding but then he won! (GROANS) Not so rough, Bart.
Daddy can't handle so much love right now.
This robot's the greatest thing you've ever done for me.
I can't believe you've never seen him fight.
Well, I've been busy, Son.
They really need me over at the nuclear "plank.
" Well, the next match is Saturday.
Can you come then? I don't think so, Son.
But on the other hand, I may be closer than you think.
Oh.
So much metal in my eye.
Ladies and gentlemen Who am I kidding? Just gentlemen, join us next week for our title bout when Knock-A-Homer will try to unseat five-time defending champion Smashius Clay, AKA Killhammad Aieee! (CROWD APPLAUDING) Our robot can kick that robot's ass.
Right, Dad? Dad? (SHUDDERS) Oh, no.
My recurring nightmare is coming true.
There are many people I'd like to thank for this award.
My wife Anjelica Houston.
This is for you, Angie.
We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds.
(SCREAMS) Now, a tribute to those who have left us this past year.
(WHIMPERS) BART: Sure he's tough but he's never come up against a wooden mallet.
Listen, Son.
There's something I have to tell you about our robot.
(DOORBELL RINGING) There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart.
(ALL EXCLAIM IN WONDER) You guys are just in time.
My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot.
Uh I just installed a chip that makes it 10 % more bloodthirsty.
All right! And if anything happens to me, I want you bullies to take care of my boy.
Don't worry.
I'll raise him like the mean streets raised me.
I wish I had bullies like you growing up.
Hey, hey! These cats'd rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you.
(CATS HISSING) My job was to keep Lisa's hope alive.
But instead, she's really depressed.
You think you got problems, look what I just pulled out of my arm! (GASPS) That's what we in the business call a "biggie.
" Business? What business? The business of being a dad.
Can you hand me that magnet? Sure.
(CLANKING) Can you do my back? I guess I'm not meant to own a cat.
I'm much happier petting this leaf.
(EXCLAIMS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Wait! You don't want me to have this cat! (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me.
My cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead.
Now go.
Cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball.
(GASPS) You're not hurt.
You're a good luck kitty.
All right, old Gil's gonna collect big from insurance.
I'll be eating food tonight.
(HUMMING) (EXPLOSION) I'm keeping you.
You're Snowball V.
But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball ll and pretend this whole thing never happened.
That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
I'll just be moving along, Lisa, Snowball ll.
(EXPLOSION) Okay, I've been studying Frink's robot.
And I've discovered he has one small weak spot.
This goes here Yeah.
Oh-oh.
His weak spot is now his strongest point.
(HOMER MOANS) That moan sounded almost human.
HOMER: The hell it did.
(BELL DINGS) ANNOUNCER: End of round one, (SINGING) B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad But that ain't too bad, because that's my boy You look a little sluggish out there, boy.
I better open you up.
(GASPS) Dad? Bart, I'm sorry.
I could never build a robot this awesome.
I'm a fraud! So you fought all those robots? Affirmative.
That is so cool! You really think so? Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together.
You risked your own life.
Even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world! And I am the luckiest ANNOUNCER: Round two! Oh, no! Dad! (SIGHS) (ALL EXCLAIM) That robot has given birth to a man! Hey, what gives? He's not killing me.
FRINK: I'll tell you what gives.
I'm afraid he is subject to lsaac Asimov's laws of robotics, with the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good.
My robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see? Only to serve them.
Mmm.
He knows just how I like my martinis.
Full of alcohol.
Go, go, go! Now's your chance! (CHUCKLES) Bart, all that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside.
Why did you make it do that? To keep me focused.
And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine, man! (BOOING) Show me where in the rulebook it says that a human can't be a robot.
Right here.
Rule One.
Well, then Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble! I concur! (BOOING) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot but I've gone whole summers without seeing you.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
I'm pretty unreliable.
I like you, Son.
I like you, too, Dad.
English - US - PSDH