The Simpsons s15e11 Episode Script

Margical History Tour

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (DINGS) I have to research a paper.
Where did all the books go? Books? Books are for squares.
We're now a multimedia learning center for children of all ages But mostly bums.
(SNORING) BART: Ay, caramba! Huh? What? (LISA READING) There are hardly any books at all.
No books? But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry VIII.
And I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it.
There, there.
I can help you kids.
(ALL GASPING) I know a little something about history.
Gather round.
Henry VIII had everything he could want, except a son to follow in his footsteps.
(FANFARE PLAYING) (SINGING) I'm Henry the Eighth, I am Henry the Eighth, I am, I am I've been eating since 6:00 a.
For dessert I'll have dinner again My name's synonymous with gluttony I'll always eat a turkey or a ham Stop singing that song! We all know who you are! Her Majesty, Margarine of Aragon! What are you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.
Your Majesty, I know you want a son.
But must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court? (ALL LAUGHING) As royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.
(GROANS) (MUTTERING) Must sire a dude.
Must sire a dude.
Father dearest, I am the son you crave.
I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine.
Could a girl belch like this? (BELCHES) Oh! My beautiful boy! Why can't I have you? I don't know.
Too much jerkin' your merkin? Why you little Get out of my dreams and into my wife! I could've married the King of France.
He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation.
Know what I mean? Oh, look at me.
I eat and eat and eat, and I never get any thinner.
Well, there's more of you to worship, O Sire.
Who would dare to flatter a king? Anne Boleyn, loyal subject, big fan.
Modern Wench magazine dubbed me "Anne of the child-bearing hips.
" Yes.
Wide hips indeed.
My son could cartwheel out.
Yoink! Hey! Where are you taking me? Marriage counseling.
(MOANS) Mmm.
We came here to talk about our problems.
Fine! I want to marry Anne Boleyn.
But I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain! Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work.
And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get busy! Woo-hoo! Divorce? Sire, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church.
But it's the only church we've got, so what are you gonna do? I'll start my own church.
What? Yes, my own church.
Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it.
Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate ltalian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
Mmm, I understand.
And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
I can see my house! Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart.
It's not your fault.
It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.
So grow a penis or get lost.
(STRAINING) I can't.
Well, why can't your heir be female? Or why can't we elect our leaders? I wonder if I could canonize a child? Leaving! Hey, I invented divorce! How did you get half of everything? You should've invented the pre-nup.
And now half of your kingdom, please.
I get lreland? (LAUGHS) And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you king and trophy queen.
In the name of the Henry, the Hank, and the holy Harry Amen.
Now let's put a son in the oven.
Oh, Henry! Henry, sorry I bore you a daughter.
Anne, I love her as much as I love you.
(DRUM ROLL) Your head lives for five seconds afterwards so I left a magazine in the basket.
Oh, my horoscope! "Today will bring welcome new changes into your life.
" Wrong! Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a Catholic mass! Lord ltchy, I accuse you of not signing the Act of Succession.
(GRUNTING) (MOANS) if only I had a son to enjoy this with.
Hey, baby.
How would you like to be queen for a day? (LAUGHS) it's funny, 'cause you're king.
Do you, Jane Seymour, take this king to be your lawfully wedded husband till your first little spat? I do! I double do! Henry is the ginchiest! The Lord is my I told you I was a dude! You didn't dump me.
I dumped you (SCOFFS) Why on earth did I marry you? My track record! I've had 10 sons.
Now take a ride on the kingmaker! (SHUDDERS) Swing and a miss! Come on! I'm 95.
You could use a butter knife, for God's sake.
Don't just stand there.
Bury me.
Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but, well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto.
I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right.
That means a lot.
My whole life, I was looking for that one woman whose execution could bring me happiness.
Now I realize I was just beheading myself for divorcing you.
And locking me in a dungeon.
(LAUGHS) (COUGHS) Listen to us.
We still finish each other's sentences.
Margarine, won't you take back an old head-chopping fool? Of course, Your Majesty.
Let me just fluff your pillow for you.
(GASPING) See ya in hell, fat man! Finally, Henry's daughter Elizabeth became queen.
England's power was never greater.
And British actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age.
That was awesome, Mrs.
Check plus-plus, here I come! (GIGGLING EXCITEDLY) (GRUNTS) Wow.
The library really is a great resource! And I just came in here to trip nerds for nothin'.
Ha-ha! Mom, I can't find anything on Sacagawea.
Just a couple of books on Ron Santo.
No problem.
In elementary school, we girls learned about Sacagawea while the boys were learning math.
All right! Toilet paper! In 1804, President Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark and some embedded journalists to find the Northwest Passage.
They paddled up the Mississippi from St.
When winter came, Lewis and Clark tried to set up camp, but encountered much hardship.
(STRAINING) Come spring, they sought help from Native Americans.
Long have we awaited the coming of the white man And Carl.
And welcome to the United States of America.
Have a flag.
And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll get right on it.
Now, in order to aid your journey across the land I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea.
In our language, her name means "little know-it-all" "who won't shut her maize hole.
" I will be happy to help the Americans.
Of course, I will be sad to leave my husband, the French fur trader, Charbonneau.
I will come with you.
Because by myself, the darkness, she scares me.
I don't know why I ever sold you to him.
Okay, those berries are poison.
Those leaves are poison oak.
And your belt is a snake, also poisonous.
I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude.
You know these (GROANING) I'm dying! But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible.
And when you get a chance, bury your friend.
Hey, we're still mourning.
Let's get a drink.
All right, customers! And they said you couldn't open a bar in Kansas.
Hey Hey! Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit.
That'll do it.
(GROANS) LEWIS: At last the Pacific Ocean.
SACAGAWEA: That's a mud puddle.
Some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems.
How did you two ever get to be explorers? We got the job because we own a compass.
Turns out the needle was just painted on.
It's been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here.
You morons! (ALL GASP) (GUNS COCKING) (BOWS COCKING) Wait! That's my brother! Don't kill them! They're my friends! Oh, come on.
Can't we at least have one pity scalp? Ah! My brother-in-law.
I haven't seen you since I killed all your buffalo.
Water under the bridge, eh? Eh? Don't forget the eyebrows.
CLARK: Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get us some sweet mermaid sex.
For the last time, those are salmon! How do you like that? Sacagawea has an opinion.
Big surprise.
You know, you could be a little more grateful to us for civilizing you.
(BLOWS NOSE) I am the only reason you guys made it this far alive! From now on, you're on your own! Stupid things with their compasses painted on.
She'll be back.
She forgot her husband.
Ingrates, after all I did for them.
Oh, warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend.
(ROARS) (EXCLAIMS) (ROARING) We're big! We're big! Which you mountain lions find terrifying! (MEOWS IN FRIGHT) (GASPS) They remembered what I taught them! Of course we did.
We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.
(GASPS) Look! The Pacific Ocean! We made it! We discovered the magnificent Pacific Northwest.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty.
Eugene, Oregon! And we owe it all to you.
You're gonna get the greatest honor this country can bestow.
And today, Lewis' promise has been fulfilled.
What is that? A quarter? A Chuck E.
Cheese token? No! It's a Sacagawea dollar.
You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar! Huh? Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about? I don't know.
The boogeyman? Come on, Bart.
We can make this fun.
History's like an amusement park, except instead of rides, you have dates to memorize.
Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.
Boring? Is there anything boring about a bad-ass rocker who lived fast and died young? I know there's a catch, but tell me more.
As a young prodigy, this popular musician wowed audiences across 18th century Europe.
And now the star of our show, my son, Mozart! He makes Bach turn back.
Haydn go into hidin', and, well, those are the only ones there have been so far.
(CHEERING) Hello, Vienna! Are there any aficionados in the house? Yeah! Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! I can't hear you! Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement! (PLAYING TURKISH RONDO) (SQUEALING) Great show, Son, but you forgot to push the merchandize.
Huh? Huh? Papa, let me be the headliner.
I always show up on time and I close the piano lid ever so softly.
Oh, little Salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family? Tito, Randy, and Jermaine.
(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING) Sally, no one practices as hard as you.
But it's your brother who keeps us in lead-based face powder.
(SWOONING) (MOANS IN DELIGHT) (HARPSICHORD PLAYING) Ew! A plague rat! (LAUGHING) Don't you have music to write? I'm doing it right now.
I call this my "Symphony in Gee, My Sister Sucks.
" (GROWLS) (CHUCKLES) O Lord, why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool? Because you are ugly! What is it about music that enchants us? The notes.
Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst.
"Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age 10 and under, the winner is Please let me win.
(CHEERING) (SCOFFS) I can't stand it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I want to see you all next week at my concert in Krakow! (ALL LAUGHING) Wow, it's sold out.
Mincing room only.
(GIGGLING) I hope they like the opera.
Oh, they're like sheep.
As the emperor goes, so do they.
(CHUCKLES SMUGLY) Wine here! Get your wine! Claret, Port, Riesling! Emperors drink free.
I'm an emperor! (BUBBLES AND SIZZLES) Nachti-Nacht.
(CACKLES) (SINGING) Beans, oh, beans, delicious in your mouth But watch out When beans come out down south Tooting, some call it pooting It's air-polluting The gas comes shooting right from your butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt Ooh! This makes me want to fop till I drop.
(MOANING) I say (YAWNING) (SNORING) The emperor finds it boring.
Then so do we.
(TITTERING) (SNORING) (GASPS) People bored with opera? That's impossible! (CACKLES) To failure, dear brother.
(SNORING) (REQUIEM PLAYING) (COUGHING) (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill.
So I brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria.
Guten Tag, everybody.
Guten Tag, Dr.
I can tell from here you have too much blood.
Let's get you covered in leeches.
Don't be shy.
Eat the little boy.
Now, in the morning, you'll be good as new or dead! But the important thing is we'll know.
(REQUIEM PLAYING) (SOBBING) Mozart, you can't die.
(MUSIC STOPS) I don't want to live in a world without the income you produce.
(SOBBING) (SNIFFLING) I'll never forget when you were a little baby and I sang you the lullabies you wrote.
Where is my sister? Where is darling Salieri? (SOBBING) I never wanted you to die.
I just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.
Dear sister, I have a confession.
In the eyes of history, I always thought your music would be judged the best.
Really? But now that I'm dying young I'll be cool forever.
(SIGHS) Eat my pantaloons! (REQUIEM PLAYING) Mozart is dead! (ALL GASP) Get you genuine death masks! Fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money! (CHUCKLES SMUGLY) I must show the emperor my Requiem Mass.
With Mozart dead, I am, at last, the greatest composer alive! (CACKLES) You'll have to wait your turn.
The emperor is with yet another musical prodigy.
(PLAYING PIANO) Splendid, young Beethoven.
I hereby declare all other music obsolete.
Thank God he died young.
I've gotta get dinner on the stove.
Mom, that sounds a lot like the movie Amadeus which was historically inaccurate.
Mozart worked hard on his music.
Salieri was a respected composer.
All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House.
Now there's a movie with good music.
(SINGING) Animal house, house, house Nobody ever went to class Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass Animal house, house, house Then they did the end like American Graffiti Where you found out what happened to everyone English - US - PSDH
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